At the risk of sounding like an old lady… ain't this a fine how-do-you-do!
Here’s Cozy Glow, by far my least favourite ungulate to ever clop their way onto the small screen…
About to be plucked, stuffed and turned into Christmas dinner... (sorry Yanks, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in merrie olde England)
And I was on the verge of actually jumping in the line of fire to defend her! Amazing.
Sure, stranger things have happened (just peruse the last sixteen chapters if you don’t believe me) but still, even I never saw this unexpected turn of events on the horizon.
This is coming from someone who’s been tested by at least half-a-dozen world-renowned child psychiatrists on account of his ‘febrile imagination’ (polite way of putting it), so you know it’s a major twist.
I had to spare a thought for poor Smoulder too, naturally. Standing there like a rabbit in the headlights, protecting her one-time enemy’s body from almost certain evisceration by her best buds… and not listening to a word the dragon said, because they thought she’d been brainwashed.
Does she regret our brief partnership now? I sincerely hope not. Usually, when my ‘real’ friends dump me, I can retreat into fantasyland to take the devastating feelings of rejection away...
But when said fandom responds by also giving me the ‘bum’s rush’... well, looks like it’s back to the booze I go. Glug glug. Sorry, liver.
What we really need right now is adult intervention, I reasoned, sneaking a peek at the static members of Twilight’s main crew. Well, they’re no help. They seem just as surprised and conflicted as me. And those guards are frickin’ useless, they’re just standing there following orders. I doubt they’d even blink if they weren’t given a command in advance. I guess it’s all up to me then, to belly-flop into the fray and break up proceedings. This shaggy bulk’s gotta be good for something, after all. Here goes nothing… and a-one! And a-two! And a-...
“Stop!!”
What the… to the accompaniment of a colourful flash, my countdown was interrupted by a single word echoing around the hallowed corridor of the school, silencing all conversation and ceasing all other activities immediately. All the stunned onlookers could do was stare in awe like slack-jawed yokels as Starlight Glimmer appeared on the scene via means of magical transportation.
Hey, have you tried getting a bus at this time? And the price of taxis these days! Outrageous.
Anyway, in the absence of any other responsible authority figure, she stood a thousand feet tall. Who’d have thought that at the start of season four? She’d even brought along some special guests, ponies that I knew well from just a day or so earlier, ones that I used to be very closely related to…
...Soon to be reclassified on the genus scale from ‘equine’ to ‘mincemeat’, as I hadn’t quite managed to fully halt my headlong rush before their arrival.
CRASH! BASH! WALLOP! “Ow…” “Ooh…”
“U-um, hi there Mr and Mrs Cozy Glow, sir and madam! Long time, no see!” I nervously greeted the moaning and groaning pair of pancaked pegasus parents underneath my folds of fat.
To be honest, it felt pretty comfy lying prostrate on them like that. If I had to spend another evening here, do you think they’d object awfully to being my makeshift mattress for the night?
Rolling her eyes in a very Twilight-esque manner, now it was Starlight’s turn to trot over and make introductions. “Nigel, I presume?”
What? How did she know? Especially as I don’t even look like mysel… wait. That’s been true ever since I washed up in these ‘parts. Touche.
“I can see by the look on your face that my assumption was correct. And by your actions, that everything I’ve heard about you is true, also.” Starlight said that last sentence in such a way that made me think that information wasn’t exactly complimentary. “Sandbar and the others, please leave Smoulder and Cozy Glow alone. More will be explained in a little while, but for now just know that if you hurt Cozy, you’ll be causing untold pain to one of your best friends. Finally, I have a private message for the ears of five other ponies in particular…”
Starlight then walked over to Applejack to whisper something in her ear, before Applejack told Rainbow Dash, who then repeated it to Fluttershy… before all of them were ‘up to speed’ on recent occurrences. The quintet seemed appropriately perplexed, but before I could get a stronger grasp of their demeanours they all made their way into Starlight’s room, with the unicorn counsellor herself being the last in to firmly shut the door behind her.
Obviously an impromptu meeting. About me. Which I won’t get to hear a word of. Grr, I hate it when people or ponies whisper about me behind my back… I stared at that closed office with annoyance, blissfully unaware of the poor creatures currently asphyxiating under my broad belly…
Or the gathering storm all around me.
“Er…” Ocellus kicked off the discussion in a very articulate manner.
“We….” Silver Stream followed on from where her changeling chum had left off.
“...Have questions.” The nominal leader Sandbar obviously had to have the last word, and if that left eyebrow was any higher it would be touching the stars by now.
“And we need to know the answers now.” Whoa, how did I forget about Gallus? Of course he’d have to be the one to cut through the crap and get to the point. Well played, Mr. Moody.
“W-Well.” I stuttered, wishing that Starlight hadn’t taken tips from her bestie Trixie to do a quick disappearing act. “Where do I start…”
“You can all ‘start’ by following me!” A path through the crowd was suddenly opened up by guards and other creatures making way, and who else could it be, but…
“Spike dude!!” Yes, those very words did just leave my lips. No, I am not ashamed of it. Spike has always been one of my favourite characters: the lovable little guy put upon by almost everyone who knows him, who never gets given proper credit for anything he does, abused, neglected, ignored…
Let’s just say I can relate, and leave it at that.
He didn’t seem too impressed by me, though. “Yes, I am ‘Spike’, but I don’t have a second name, let alone one as unique as ‘dude’. Anyway, Princess Twilight has just filled me in on what happened, and I am here to direct those most impacted to another room where everything will be explained…”
Bor-ing. I almost had to stifle a yawn there. I don’t need to be told what I know already. It’s action I need now to stop Cozy Glow’s tyranny, not more fine words! I hate exposition filler, dagnabbit…
“...And also inform you of news that some of you might not be aware of just yet.” As if in response to my audible disinterest, Spike pricked up my ears again with that tasty little titbit. “Now do hurry along, as time is short.”
...Not as short as you! I felt tempted to add, but this was neither the time nor the place for my usual brand of hilarity. Accompanied by the rest of the Young Six, (with Smoulder still clutching an out-of-sorts Yona/Cozy firmly to her chest) I began to follow them past everycreature else down the corridor…
Nearly leaving behind two very squashed pegasi in my wake.
“Oops, sorry ‘bout that whole ‘mashing you to a pulp’ thing. A-And pretending to be your daughter earlier, too. Tell you what… let’s let bygones be bygones. Fancy a ride?”