//------------------------------// // 1313: 3 // Story: They're EVERYWHERE! // by Nameless Narrator //------------------------------// This particular room in the many cellars of Blueblood estate definitely doesn’t look like the repurposed prison where 1313 had been held before nor a common storage. A casual observer might guess that, thanks to the strange magical locking system which completely ignored Zamira and opened automatically for 1313 approaching the entrance, it could be a cellar for the more expensive kinds of wine or even some kind of vault, but they would be wrong. The overall warmth of the room, the several more normal doors leading holes know where, and the pipes lining the walls dispel the idea, leaving the changeling at a loss as to why Zamira wanted him to come here with her. Other than to open the lock, of course. “I can’t help feeling you’re using me for something,” he keeps looking at a shallow pool into which roughly 3 ponies might fit with a bit of a squeeze now filling up with hot water.  “Nonsense, this is just… so that you get into the spirit of things. You know, do things the Blueblood way,” replies Zamira while fiddling with some kind of a control panel belonging to a metal box hanging on a wall by the door. “You couldn’t sound more suspicious if you said - let’s go to the vault, grab all the gold, and go shopping!” “What? Noooo...” Zamira waves her foreleg dismissively, “This is absolutely harmless.” “I don’t even know what you’re so eager about anyway,” 1313 gives the small pool an appraising glance, “It looks like a common birthing basin, only with water.” “You’ll understand once you get in.” “No, I’m the one with the explosives strapped to me, you go in first.” “And just how is that supposed to- nevermind. So you’re saying I can go in, right?” “Yeah, sure.” “Awesome!” she walks in and lies down on her back with the kind of casual indecency only someone with a perfect body can muster, “Ahhhh… this beats the staff shower any day of the week,” she stretches and moans, her wet coat clinging tightly to her toned body, “You sure you don’t want to hop in too? The water’s just perfect,” she winks at him, her feminine wiles completely failing to even register to the already distraught changeling.  1313 pokes the water surface. Nothing happens, all his bits are still in their right places. He can’t be sure but there is a small chance that an explosion would just scatter someone as fragile as him all over the place and, with a helping hoof, it could be possible to put him back together, but as far as plans for getting out of this entire situation go, that isn’t even plan Z, falling more into the territory of plans marked by strings of special characters from alphabets long unused. Spurred on by the lack of kaboom, 1313 walks into the pool and sits down. “Not bad,” he says with a shrug, “Still can’t see what all the fuss was about.” With a devious smirk, Zamira stands up onto all fours, steaming water dripping off of her, walks over to him, pushes him on his back, and looks down at his passive face. “Gee, Blueblood would already be groping me if we were like this,” she says, “You’re almost sucking all the fun out of this, almost,” she reaches past him, making sure to rub as much of her barrel as she can against his muzzle, and 1313 hears the click of a button and the whirring of machinery. She quickly withdraws and props her back against the opposite end of the pool just as- “Aaah, what’s that?!” 1313 bolts upright, his head turning from side to side as a strange tickling sensation assaults his body from underneath. “Mhmmmmmm...” Zamira only moans and sinks deeper into the now gently bubbling water, “This is the life.” “Is it… a bath with bubbles?” 1313 asks, carefully lowering himself down again. “A jacuzzi!” Zamira opens her eyes again, taken aback by the unimpressed changeling, “Don’t tell me this is so common to you that you can’t enjoy it.” “No, no, this is the first time I’m in something like this,” he shakes his head, “It’s not bad, actually...” “See? You haven’t blown up so just relax and enjoy the bubble massage- wait, you know what? The knob behind you - set it to 3. That should make things a bit more interesting.” “Ohhhh, so that’s what you were doing,” 1313 turns around and does his own fiddling, “I thought you were just trying to mess with me with all that rubbing and- oh my!” the background whirring grows a little louder and the empowered streams of bubbles coming from all sides of the pool make him slowly sink back in with a growing dizzy smile. “Mmmm,” Zamira moans again, shifting in the water, “I was. I just didn’t expect it to fail so miserably. You really made me self-conscious there. I know Blueblood has been taking some of the female staff members here on occasion and I doubt it was just to have a relaxing bath together,” she freezes, “I really hope they scrub this thing with acid after every ‘use’.” “Thanks for putting that image into my head and making me hope that shapeshifting gets rid of potential STDs,” 1313 sighs, “It probably does, though, otherwise my species would have died out a long time ago. It’s not as if I haven’t done the same thing you tried on me to a pony.” “As a mare?” “Oh yeah, it’s a lot easier to get away with identity mistakes as a good-looking mare, especially if you just giggle and pretend you’re not that smart.” “Sooo… can you look like anypony? Or, you know, a griffon, dragon… fun stuff?” “Pretty much. Hole, I can transform into a rock for a few moments, but a change in mass like that takes a lot of energy to maintain.” “Hmmm,” she’s now measuring him with an expression of someone who hasn’t eaten for days and now got a free pass to Hayburger, “Since, you know, we’re alone, and so… hot already… I’ve always had this idea about a diamond dog. Do they have, you know-” “Yes,” 1313 immediately catches on. There are some things infiltrators learn very quickly, and one of them is that while there are almost no unicorns in Appleloosa which sits near the diamond dog mines as well as the Badlands, the earth ponies there are horny after a day of sweaty work in the sun. “And could you…?” “Sure, how stretched would you like to feel?” She blinks, surprised by his sudden forwardness. “I can choose?” “Obviously,” 1313 is now the one who crawls over to the visibly blushed zebra bodyguard, presses against her, and whispers into her ear, “Would you like to just paint the pool red and green or the walls and the ceiling too?” “Wha-?” “I go whoosh, we both go boom,” with the final word, he blows hot air into her ear, and unceremoniously stands up before returning to his spot on the other side. “Gods damn it, I completely forgot!” she facehoofs, realizing she’s been played completely and perfectly. “You ponies tend to when you’re flustered,” 1313 nods. “You changelings don’t?” “An infiltrator? Not in a situation like this. Most lings are genderless, especially drones and warriors, since they spend their time in the hive and don’t need those organs to interact with ponies in that way,” he shrugs, “It’s not as if it’s forbidden to have a gender or anything, even for us low ranks, it’s just not of any use other than adding a weak point to our bodies, really. If we live long enough, though, we tend to gravitate towards one or the other but it’s never as clear cut as with you ponies. I’m a male but it’s so much easier to feed as a mare that I used to spend most of my infiltrating time as a female.” “Must be nice being able to look like anypony...” sighs Zamira. “Must be nice being able to grow food without having to steal the love meant for someone else...” 1313 retorts. “Touche.” “That was uncalled for, it’s just how our bodies work.” “Touche, not douche.” “Uhh… I don’t know what that means.” “It’s prench ponish for ‘you hit the nail on the head’.” “Oh, I only speak central equestrian ponish. I wasn’t a high enough rank to leave on complicated missions that required knowing different languages and cultures.” “1313 isn’t high… or low… or...?” she scratches her head, “With the amount of changelings that attacked Canterlot, it has to be one of those.” “For an infiltrator, 1313 is pretty low. Uhh, high means stronger and better. Most changelings you saw were drones and those are generally like… five digits and more.” “So there are only 1312 changelings stronger than you? That’s quite the achievement, honestly, and a surprise, considering how easily you… umm… break.” “It’s not that simple. Sometimes the rank can come in with a specific talent useful for the hive. Let’s say that if I wasn’t so easy to put together after coming apart, I would be somewhere among the topmost drones in terms of power. But hey, luckily I’m not meant for forcing anything and I can focus on infiltrating,” 1313 explains, slowly getting used to the heat and constant massaging and relaxing properly.  “Still,” Zamira rubs his hind leg with her own, “I wish I could say there were just 1312 better guards and warriors than myself.” “As I said, it’s different with us. It’s not as if all 1312 of us put together could take on rank 1… probably. I met her only once and she’s scary.” “I see, quality over quantity as far as the top ranks go. I like that,” Zamira smiles, “Speaking of quality-” *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!* “Huh?” both Zamira and 1313 bolt upright. She pokes fake Blueblood, whispering, “Answer it!” “Yes?” 1313 calls out. “Zamira, you there?” calls a female voice. “Yeah, I’m here, I’m here!” the zebra replies out loud, recognizing the voice of another zebra bodyguard from her merc group and relaxing, “What’s up?” “An invitation to a ball in the castle just came via a courier.” “Okay, leave it in my quarters. We’ll have a look at it-” “Quit banging Blueling and get prepping! It’s for tonight.” 1313 and Zamira exchange glances. “In the castle… with the princess,” she breathes out. “And all the security...” adds 1313. *** “Okay okay okay, breathe...” 1313 keeps mumbling to himself as he’s pacing back and forth in Blueblood’s suite, “You’re used to taverns and earth ponies so drunk they can barely recognize even your general shape but this can’t be that different, right? You’ve fooled his parents already. Who knows him better than his parents? No one. Point 1, game 1, set 1 to you. Easy, easy, easy...” “You won’t be of any help if you collapse from hyperventilating,” says Zamira sharply. “The invitation is for me, only me!” “And, as I’ve told you three times already, that doesn’t matter. Nobles often take a small retinue with them because some of the more paranoid ones don’t trust the castle staff bringing them food. Granted, every time I’ve been in the castle with Blueblood I’ve been the plus one on the invitation but- stop freaking out!” 1313 has slumped down on the carpet and propped his back against the bed. “Rule one of infiltration - ponies easily miss details but quickly notice a broken pattern,” he mutters. “It’s been a week since the invasion, the city is under reconstruction, and have you read the newspapers yesterday?” “N-No?” “There were some incidents in lower Canterlot that required the attention of the paladins. In fact, I’d hazard a guess about that being the reason for the show tonight. Nobles will know that and we can play off of that in regards to extra security. Got it? I would slap you to get it together but I’m worried your head might come off,” she walks over to him and presses her nose against his, saying, “I will be there with you and we will make it believable, got it? Raven, princess Celestia’s personal secretary, knows me and even if I’m not on the list, she’s seen me by Blueblood’s side time and time before.” “Bu-But what if I blow up the second I leave the mansion outside of the schedule?” “You won’t. Blueblood left detailed instructions on how the explosive device works.” That makes 1313 pause his trembling. “Do you mind tell-” Zamira stare turns freezing. “1313, it’s no secret that despite you and your kind attacking this city, I like you personally more than Blueblood, but that’s not just a low bar, that’s a bar that has been buried underground so deep it’s melting from the heat. The money Blueblood promised me for this would be a fantastic first step towards early retirement with my own house and several lovers of species varying according to my momentary whims. Hay, if you survive this, I wouldn’t be against you alone playing the part of all of those BUT, and it’s one of those gorgeous, huge, bouncy zebra butts, right now we’re still in the part where I’m in it for the bits. I won’t hesitate to blow you up myself if you try to rob me of that. Kapische?” she jabs his chest, “That means ‘understood’.” “I-I understand,” stutters now more confused than scared 1313. “Then start breathing properly and focus!” she turns away, slapping him with her cropped tail, “You’re the one used to getting into places where you have no business being. Come up with something!” 1313 closes his eyes. “Aren’t we overcomplicating this?” he asks after a moment, “Can’t we just decline the invitation?” “Normally, I would say yes but the invitation was signed by princess Celestia herself. As Blueblood’s aunt, not related by blood I think, it would be rude to deny a personal request like that. Besides, she genuinely likes him for some unholy reason, and he’s always wanted to impress her in order to gain favor and status,” she ponders her words for a moment before reluctantly adding, “Fiiine, he doesn’t act like a completely selfish prick around her so he might like her for real too.” “That’s good,” 1313 breathes a sigh of relief, “I’m not used to acting arrogant and self-centered. It’s not a way to get love. We could play a ‘prince changed or shaken by recent events’ card.” “I wouldn’t go for a full change of heart, especially when changelings will still be on everypony’s mind. Keep it aloof even if you decide to be a warmer version of Blueblood,” out of nowhere, she claps her hooves together, “I got it, how about a bit of a roleplay?” “I’m up for anything that increases my chances of not eating a magic murderbeam in the face,” 1313 nods, “Any situation in particular?” “One I can think of off the top of my head.” 1313 doesn’t like the smirk growing on Zamira’s face but it’s not as if anything on her mind can be worse than failing during the real event. “Alright, go-” “You utter sleazebag!” she marches up to his face and pretends to slap him, “How dare you ogle baron Starstruck’s wife and then storm out of the museum when I call you out on it?!” “I’m… sorry?” “Sorry, SORRY?! You called me FLAT!” “My apologies, miss, you certainly are not flat. I was way out of li-” “MISS?! Don’t act like I’m one of those commoner whorses you surround yourself with-” “PAUSE! Are you seriously going to interrupt everything I’m saying?” 1313 frowns at the zebra. “Just… trust me on this,” she replies with a strangely weary tone in her voice that makes 1313 doubt she’s just being irritating for the sake of it. “Miss- LADY! I might not have acted in the most appropriate way but I won’t stand for you insulting my highly professional staff-” “Pause! Kissing my ass won’t get me to go easy on you,” Zamira smirks, “Yet.” He puts on his best arrogant expression. “My staff.” “Oh pish posh, I know where exactly you’ve been shoving your staff even while we were dating and I’ve been willing to look the other way as long as you didn’t shame me and my family like you did.” “What did I, in your eyes, do? I was the perfect gentlecolt-” “Pause,” Zamira raises her hoof, “If you assume you’re in the wrong, you’ll be right most of the time.” “Geez, is he that bad?” “You have no idea,” she shakes her head, “If his father didn’t pay so well I wouldn’t put up with a tenth of his nonsense.” “Fine but before we continue, can you at least tell me what I did? He- I can’t just generally fail at everything I do, right?” “Can’t you?” she beams, “You might need a pen and paper for this… or a book.” *** “Again. I can’t help feeling you’re using me for something.” “Ahahahaha, you’re so funny!” “Seriously, we’ve passed a Royal Guard post already and their eyes almost fell out. of their sockets.” “They’re just jealous of my armor.” “I GET THAT! That’s the problem! What is it even for?” “Protection.” “No, their plate armors are for protection. How are a black leather thong and whatever the rest of that leather and chainmail gimp suit supposed to be protecting you?” “Me? It’s protecting you. The more ponies are looking at me, the fewer are scrutinizing your trembling hooves.” “My hooves aren’t- holes, they are...” “Yep. So keep it together, I’ll be with you the entire evening. That is, unless some important court member makes me the right kind of offer.” 1313 sighs. Zamira notices it and adds: “Don’t worry so much. Even if somepony promises me the life of a mistress with her own mansion, I’ll see this through with you. I just might need a five or ten minute break to… apply my oratory skills on them,” she purses her lips glimmering with gold lipstick. “You know, since Bluebl-” 1313 stops as he nudges him and corrects himself, “-since my father hired you for my protection but I picked you for, you know, looks… how does it make sense for me to be okay with you skulking off with another noble?” “He never lets me, obviously!” she hisses quietly into his ear, “But you aren’t going to take this chance away from me. are you?” “I don’t have a choice, do I?” “Of course you do,” she laughs out in a loud, overexaggerated manner, drawing the attention of another pair of guests currently stepping out of a carriage parked in front of the castle. With a wide smile towards them she adds, “MAKE WAY FOR PRINCE BLUEBLOOD!” Not for the first time in the past week, 1313 ponders whether he really shouldn’t just risk plan B00IVI. On the other hole, it’s not as if he’d still be alive without Zamira so he may as well repay her in some way. His newfound determination wavers when a duo of Royal Guards presumably responsible for ushering the guests inside cross their spears in front of them. “Invitations, please,” says one. 1313 gives them a cold glare before letting out a snort of contempt and nodding to Zamira who pulls out the requested gilded piece of paper from holes-know-where in her bondage bikini armor. “Invitation checks out,” says the guard after scanning it with a beam of light cast by his horn, “Am I correct in assuming that she is your additional protection, Your Highness?” he looks at 1313. “What does it look like?” 1313 frowns, measuring the guard with barely contained disdain. The guard looks Zamira up and down. “She looks like-” he begins and stops when guard number 2 puts a hoof on his shoulder and whispers something into his ear. The corner of 1313’s mouth curls up when his changeling hearing picks up something along the lines of ...harem whorse cosplaying one of those OnO female ‘warriors’. Number 2 bows before 1313 and out loud he says: “My apologies, Your Highness. Due to recent events, we’ve had to call in Royal Guards from other cities for support and this guy is from Manehattan. They’re a lot less tactful. Bronze Hilt, perform a full scan of His Highness.”