“Git back here ya varmint!” Granny Smith yelled as she ran around her yard, brandishing a cast iron pan with her mouth.
“What? No! Why would I do that?” I shouted back to her, running for my (un)life.
“Granny!” shouted Applejack, following close behind the two of us, “What are ya runnin’ ‘round like that for? There ain’t no varmint there!”
Okay. Record scratch, freeze frame. I bet you’re wondering how I got in this mess, huh?
Yeah, me too. Especially since my new so-called “Friends” weren’t doing much to help me. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were on the ground laughing, and Rarity only barely seemed to be holding her composure.
“I could use a little help here!” I shouted at the three as they continued to enjoy my plight. In the back of my mind I felt like I was missing something, but I was too preoccupied not getting mauled by an old lady with a frying pan to worry about that.
“This is why you should never listen to girls,” the little voice in my head says, “They just lead you to this!”
I shook off the negative thoughts and decided to try hopping the fence, hopefully this crazy mare couldn’t jump that high. I neared the wooden barrier and just before I was going to cross it, I grabbed the top of it and leapt over.
Or, well, I tried to leap over. I actually wound up catching my foot on the top of it, then going head over heels into the grass. It turned out though that while I was correct and Granny Smith could not hop the fence, I had also chosen to attempt my great escape about ten feet from the gate. I had barely just gotten back to my feet when I saw that black circle of doom descending upon me, ready to turn me into some sort of double-ghost.
Then the thing just bounced off me like I was made of rubber. Didn’t hurt me at all, just felt like being smacked with a pillow. Granny wound up falling on her own behind from the recoil, her weapon flying from her grip as she did, and I quickly escaped behind Pinkie Pie before she could get back up rather than question it.
“Granny Smith!” Applejack trotted over, “Are you alright? You know the doctor said you shouldn’t be runnin’ around like that!”
“Oh shush Applejack, I’m still as fit as I was when you were born! A little fall ain’t gonna take me down.” Granny was quick to get back on her hooves, “Now help me wrangle up this here pest before he does somethin’ to the apple trees!”
“Why would I even do anything to your apple trees?” I asked incredulously, “What would I even do to your apple trees?”
“Er, well,” the elderly pony seemed to deflate a little “I don’t rightly know. But yer a weird critter wanderin’ around this here orchard, and I can’t just let you alone to do whatever you want!”
“Granny Smith Apple!” Applejack stomped a hoof and shouted, “You cut this out right now!”
Pinkie and Rainbow went “Oooooh!” at each other as the young mare told her grandmother off.
“Don’t you talk to me like that Applejack! I was chasing off varmints back when you was still in diapers! I know when a critter is fixin’ to harm this here farm!” Granny Smith retorted to her granddaughter.
The “Oooooh!” from Pinkie and Rainbow intensified.
“I’m jus’ worried about ya, that’s all!” Applejack’s tone softened, “And I don’t know what you think you’re seein’, but near as I can tell you’ve been chasin’ the air around the yard for the past five minutes now.”
Rainbow’s “Oooh” deflated while Pinkie’s transformed into an “Awww” at the concern her friend had for her grandmother.
“What do you mean I’ve been chasin’ the air? Don’t you see this here creature?” Granny came up to me and jabbed a hoof towards me. “It’s right by Pinkie Pie here fer Celestia’s sake!”
“Pinkie?” Applejack turned to face Pinkie and by extension me, confusion clearly etched onto her face, “Do you know what Granny Smith is talkin’ about?”
“Wellllllll,” Pinkie drew out the word, moving her head from one side to another, “I was gonna tell you about him, but as soon as we got here Granny Smith started chasing him around the yard. We were just walking up to the door when she burst out with that frying pan. It was pretty funny watching her chase him around after then, then he tried to jump the fence and faceplanted, which was even funnier,” she covered a giggle with her hoof, “and then Granny finally got him but it didn’t work then you two talked a bit and now we’re here!”
Pinkie stood and smiled at the end of her story, the rest of us simply staring at her.
“What Pinkie is trying to say,” Rainbow Dash interjected, now hovering above me, “Is that you can’t see the creature Granny Smith saw because he’s a ghost.”
Applejack looked up at Rainbow and raised a single eyebrow. “Say what now?”
“I know, it sounds crazy,” the pegasus began, crossing her forehooves in front of her chest, “And at first I didn’t believe it myself, but then Rarity picked me up and put me in his arms and suddenly I could see him!”
The farm pony turned her questioning gaze from her blue friend to her white one, the clear question not needing to be asked.
“Yes Applejack, I can see him too. In fact, I do believe that if I do the same for you as I did for Rainbow here, we can solve this problem here and now.” Her horn began to glow and a faint blue aura appeared around Applejack.
“Oh no ya don’t!” The orange mare wriggled out of Rarity’s magical grasp, the aura fading from around her, “I don’t know what has gotten into all of you, but until I get to the bottom of it ain’t no one castin’ no spells on me!”
“Applejack!” Pinkie said, widening her eyes to beg her friend, “Don’t you trust us?”
“Pinkie Pie, you know that I do,” Applejack reassured her friend. “But I also know about all the crazy situations we get ourselves into. Maybe if it were just one of you I’d hear you out but having four ponies all of a sudden tell me they believe in ghosts seems more like somepony is trying to trick us!”
Pinkie, Rainbow, and Rarity all took a moment to look at their friend in shock. They clearly hadn’t thought of that angle, and I really had not either. I couldn’t refute her logic either, it seemed all too plausible, especially considering the misadventures I had witnessed these very mares get into.
“Girls,” I said, “I think we’re going to have to convince her without taking the easy route.” I scratched my chin, thinking, “But I really have no idea how.”
The three of my new friends, as well as Granny Smith, all looked at me as I concentrated. I stood there for a few moments, trying to ignore their stares. Applejack was growing more concerned as time went on. I suppose from her perspective it would appear her friends all just went quiet and started staring off into space. I could see how that would be, well, concerning.
“Well?” It was Granny Smith who broke the silence.
“Awful forward old mare, aren’t you Granny Smith?” I replied, raising one eyebrow in question.
“I’m old! I ain’t got time fer sittin’ around like that!”
“Fair enough,” I conceded with a shrug of my shoulders. “But I was telling the truth. I really have no idea how. I was hoping one of you would have one.”
“Ooh! Ooh! I got one!” Pinkie raised her hoof in the air and wildly flailed it back and forth.
“Uh, sure Pinkie, go ahead.” I spoke slowly, pointing to her like a teacher in a class.
“Alright, so it’s gonna require a clown, several industrial size drums of whipped cream, just a single pie crust, and many, many balloons.” Pinkie flipped through a notepad as she spoke. She then tossed it into the air and let it land in her hair without even looking at it. I watched it for a second as it slowly became assimilated into the Pink. I blinked once and decided to pretend I saw nothing. I did that a lot around Pinkie, come to think of it.
“Pinkie, that just sounds like a party!” Rainbow Dash said from above, “Not all problems can be solved with parties!”
The pink party pony gasped. “That’s not true! All problems can be solved with the proper application of partying!”
“That is correct, and in this case the proper application is none. Zero partying.” I definitely was not going to start becoming some sort of social butterfly just because I made a few new friends.
“Oh, don’t be such a shut-in Charlie.” Rarity waved a dismissive hoof at me. “I would think someone who hadn’t had any contact with anypony for as long as you have would relish the opportunity to finally interact with others.”
“Uhh, does anyone wanna clue me in on what we’re talkin’ about here?” Applejack waved a hoof as she cut in, confusion evident in her voice. “What happened to us talkin’ about y’all seein’ a ghost? How’d we wind up on parties?”
“Wellllll,” Pinkie once again swung her head from one side to the other, “As soon as we got here Granny Smi-”
Pinkie’s rant was cut off by an orange hoof in her mouth, the owner of said hoof saying “I’m gonna stop ya right there Pinkie. I’m gonna need somethin’ more than just your word that this ghost of yours is real.”
“Like what?” Rainbow said from above.
“Well…”
“Remind me again, what exactly are we trying to accomplish here?” I asked, still trying to make sense of what was in front of me.
“Well, according to Applejack, this is an old Apple family ritual for talking to ghosts.” Pinkie told me, taking a seat outside in the circle of ponies now surrounding me.
“According to me it is! And when I say somethin’ will work, I mean it!” Said Granny Smith as she smacked the floor with her hoof.
“Granny, Big Mac got me to do this when I was just a filly. It didn’t work then and it won’t work now!” It seemed Applejack was just as sceptical as ever.
“Well, you didn’t have a ghost in your house back then.” Rainbow said to her friend. “Now, you do!”
“Just relax Applejack, Charlie is certainly nothing to be afraid of,” Rarity added, “No offense, of course.”
“None taken?” I questioned, raising an eyebrow. I didn’t say anything more as each of the mares lit a candle, which they all held between their front hooves.
Granny Smith took command from there. “Okay, now, to get a ghost to appear before you, you must hold your candle up and repeat after me: “Spirits, spectres, spooks, and ghosts, hear me! I command you to come out at once!”
“Okay that is not a real chant, come on.” I griped, “You could at least say it in latin…”
“Don’t question the ritual! It's just like the ghost stories my granpappy told!” The elderly pony scolded me, continuing with “My granpappy Red Delicious used it to talk to the first member of the Apple family and he saved the farm that way!”
“That actually sounds like quite the story. Could we hear that instead of doing this?” I certainly didn’t feel like standing in the middle of the world’s lamest seance.
“No! Now quit yer yappin’ so we can start!”
I looked to the others as all this was going on. Applejack of course seemed the least excited, her expression just begging for it to be done already. Rarity didn’t seem too enthused either, mostly due to being asked to sit on the bare floor. Both Rainbow and Pinkie however seemed enthralled, each holding their candles up and listening to Granny Smith closely.
Pinkie was, rather unsurprisingly, the first to start the chant.
“Spirits, spectres, spooks, and ghosts, hear me! I command you to come out at once!” I could see her suppress a giggle.
“Pinkie, don-”
“Spirits, spectres, spooks, and ghosts, hear me! I command you to come out at once!” Rainbow Dash chimed in, looking more impatient than eager.
“Come on,” I moaned.
“Spirits, spectres, spooks, and ghosts, hear me! I command you to come out at once!” Rarity was next, how she kept a straight face I’ll never know. Probably something about being a “Proper Lady.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Alright, I guess we’re doing this.”
There was at least one other who was as cynical as I was. Applejack was clearly hesitating to join in, a sceptical scowl on her face. I saw her give an urgent look to her grandmother, who sent an even more intense one back. Applejack finally rolled her eyes and droned out “Spirits, spectres, spooks, and ghosts, hear me! I command you to come out at once!”
Granny Smith was the last to join in. When she spoke the chant it came out more like a stern command, truly a voice only a grandmother could muster. “Spirits, spectres, spooks, and ghosts, hear me! I command you to come out at once!”
A second passed. And then another. A whole moment, in fact, went by. I looked around at the ponies and shrugged my shoulders.
“Darnit Granny, I knew this was a waste of time! I’m goin’ to go get Twilight and together we’re gonna figure out what’s wrong with all of you!” Applejack stood up and began to storm off.
“This coming from the mare who has the most ridiculous routine I’ve ever seen?” I scoffed.
“What do you mean by that, Charlie?” Rarity asked.
Applejack, noticing her friend was talking to what appeared to be thin air, turned around and said “What are you goin’ on about now?”
“She,” I said, pointing a rather accusing finger at the farm mare, “Has the most ridiculous routine to feed her pigs I’ve ever seen.”
“What does she do?” Pinkie Pie asked me.
“It’s hilarious, she opens and shuts the gates over and over, she flails around making stupid noises, she even clucks like a chicken!”
“Wait, hold on, you’re telling me that every day Applejack has been clucking like a chicken while feeding her pigs, and I haven’t been there to see it once!” Rainbow Dash sounded almost offended at missing out on the hilarity.
“Yeah, then she ties herself up with a rope, jumps off the roof of a barn, and lures the pigs to their trough with a cob of corn! It’s kind of impressive, really. Mission Impossible: Farm Animals.” I waved my hands in an arc in front of my face for flair.
“She jumps off the roof of a barn with a rope tied around her waist just to feed her pigs?” Rarity gave her friend a concerned look, “That seems rather dangerous, darling.”
All of us turned our eyes to the mare in question. She was sitting on her hindquarters, mouth agape. “How do y’all know about my routine? I’ve never had any of you around when I did it before!”
“Charlie told us!” Pinkie Pie piped in, “He told me he used to spend a lot of time watching ponies before we could see him. It was a little weird at first, but then I decided that if nopony could see me then I would do the same probably.” She then walked over and hugged my legs, and I stroked her mane a bit. It was incredibly soft, and also quite springy.
“Granny Smith, you must have told them!” Applejack pointed an accusatory hoof at her grandmother.
“No I did not! I didn’t even know myself!” The elderly mare said back.
“But, if you didn’t tell them, then how did they-” Applejack’s gaze was drifting across the room as she spoke, her eyes widening until she suddenly stopped. I must have been quite a sight to her. From my dark hair only on my head to all the clothes I was wearing. She probably hadn’t even seen denim and a jacket like this before.
“Hey there,” I said, waving a hand, “I’m just going to say it because everyone else is too nice to do so. We told you so.”
“Granny,” AJ said without taking her eyes off of me, “I see the varmint now. Get the fryin’ pan.”
All of us quickly shut that idea down with a resounding “No!”
“Look, just calm down. As you can see, I’m not hurting anyone. I literally cannot hurt anyone. Watch.” I walked over to her, and we looked at each other for a moment. I reached out, and I saw her ears tilt back as my hand drew near. I attempted to touch her, and the invisible force keeping me away from everything stopped me.
“Whoa, that feels weird!” Applejack quickly ducked away from my hand. “You really are a ghost!”
“Yes!” Rainbow shouted in exasperation, “That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you!”
“Well, excuse me for being a bit sceptical after all we’ve been through!” Applejack retorted. “And really, if you think this was bad, what are you gonna do to convince Twilight?”
The three mares and myself just looked back at Applejack, not saying a word. Rarity raised her hoof but quickly froze and put it back down.
“We don’t really know,” I admitted, rubbing the back of my head.
“Well, now you’ve got me roped into this, so let’s figure out a plan!” Applejack said, leading us to the kitchen table. I stood still for a moment, amazed at her take charge attitude. She actually seemed to accept it the quickest out of all of us. I grinned a little as I followed the ponies to plan out our toughest challenge yet.
From the top of the stairs, Big Mac and Apple Bloom silently listened as the five ponies in the kitchen below spoke to thin air.
“Any idea what it is they think they’re seein’, Big Mac?” The filly whispered to her brother.
“Nnope.” He whispered back.
“Thinkin’ maybe we should stay outta this one?”
“Eeyup.”