//------------------------------//
// Grand Galloping Gala Part 5 
// Story: Short Hand 
// by Andrew Joshua Talon 
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So. Like any civilization, the Equestrians put a lot of pomp and circumstance into their big to dos. And the Grand Galloping Gala was the biggest to do for the upper crust of their civilization. The gardens surrounding the Canterlot Palace were alight with magical flowers blooming in the starlight. There was music everywhere. Tables groaned with pretentious (and sometimes even good) food. Every pony was in their very best clothing.

Which given that most of them went around nude, meant that clothing was very much a status thing. Also a good way to tell a lot of them apart. Honestly, some of them looked like they were copy and pasted by lazy animators. 

Was that racist? I don’t know. I wasn’t particularly good at identifying earth horses. I’ll think about it later.

Our carriage arrived at the front gates, and I let the mares get out first. They trotted off, getting into some kind of elegant order Rarity dictated. I kindly helped Spike get off the top of the carriage to the ground, which he thanked me for with a grin. 

“Well then!” Rarity cried happily, assuming her position at the front of our little entourage, “Shall we?”

“Come on, come on already!” Rainbow Dash urged, looking impatient. “That trip was so slow!”

“Anticipation needs build up, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity scolded, to which the unrepentant pegasus just stuck her tongue out. “And don’t do that!”

“Come on, come on, we’ve got a job to do!” Twilight said encouragingly. “After all…”

I heard the music swell, and I groaned. I stood back towards the carriage as another musical number began. Spike looked up at me curiously, and I shook my head as the ponies broke into another spontaneous, and oddly choreographed, dance.

“I hate it when that happens,” I explained to the young dragon. Spike grimaced.

“They’re not that bad!” He insisted.

“It’s still weird,” I insisted. “It’s like something puppeteers you. I don’t like it. Makes me think of this one Buffy episode.”

Spike furrowed his brows before shaking his head and scampering off ahead. 

“I’m gonna dance with Rarity! You sulk here until it’s done!” he said over his shoulder.

“I am not sulking,” I grumbled. “It’s a silent protest of free will.”

“Sulking!” Spike shouted back.

I rolled my eyes. 





Thankfully the song was relatively short. I rejoined my companions as we walked and trotted up to the huge front gates. The entire palace was lit up like it was Christmas, with fireworks erupting behind it to frame the shining stars and moon. The entire spectacle could probably be seen for miles around.

Which was probably the point.

Now that she was in more familiar surroundings, Twilight seemed to grow more confident. 

“All right,” she said, “everypony remember the plan?”

“For the last time, yes,” Dash grumbled. She glared at Twilight. “The Princess better really be in danger, ya know!”

“Come on Rainbow Dash!” Twilight huffed, “she’s my mentor! She has no ulterior motives for this entire situation!”

“Well I wouldn’t go that far,” I muttered. Twilight shook her head.

“Everything is going to go perfectly,” she said, a skip in her steps.

We walked through the voluminous entry hall. The carpets were red, the marble shone like it had been scrubbed clean with power sanders, and ponies of every sort milled about and talked in front of expensive looking sculptures and paintings.

Our destination was at the other end: There was Princess Celestia, resplendent in a rather modest looking dress the color of rose quartz, standing atop a long staircase with a smile on her face as she greeted the many, many ponies coming into the palace proper.

Her eyes lit up and her smile grew just a bit brighter when she caught sight of us. The group of ponies that had just gotten done greeting her were encouraged to get a move on by a few Royal Guards, leaving our path clear. 

Well, save for a few official looking ponies lingering around the stairs. All looking a bit uncomfortable.

We walked up in front of her, and bowed.

Well I gave a respectful salute. I am technically a member of their armed forces, after all. Plus, I’m still American and an alien. 

“Welcome to the Gala, my little ponies, dragon, and human,” Celestia greeted us warmly. Rarity gave me a rather unladylike jab in my thigh, and I stood up straighter.

“Ahem,” I said, taking a few steps forward. I extended my hand.

“Your Majesty,” I said, “I am honored to have been chosen to escort you for the evening.”

Celestia’s smile widened just a bit more, and she seemed more relaxed. 

“The honor is mine, Ser Shepherd,” she replied. She extended her hoof and I took it in my hand. 

I bent my head down and kissed her hoof grieve thing. I know there’s a technical term for it, but it just escaped me at the moment. 

I could hear a few ponies gasp nearby. Twilight’s eyes went wide, as did Rarity’s. I consciously ignored this and stood up to look back into the princess’s eyes. Her smile was a bit mirthful, and there was a tinge of red on her cheeks.

“... Well! Shall we get started?” I asked. If I’d made a faux pas, I wanted to move past it as quickly as possible. 

Celestia nodded. 

“Of course! But first, my dear student,” Celestia said with a smile directed solely at Twilight, “I have a surprise for you. I unfortunately cannot give you as much time as I would like at this Gala, but I know somepony who has missed you terribly.”

“You do?” Twilight asked, blinking. Celestia moved to the side, and a tall, white unicorn in red uniform trotted up. His mane was blue and his eyes were kind. He smiled warmly at Twilight, and she returned the expression with a grin.

“Shiny!” She cried, trotting up to nuzzle the big guy. He laughed and hugged her back, then immediately cleared his throat and got back into his previous stance.

“Lady Twilight Sparkle, a pleasure,” he said, still grinning.

Twilight immediately pulled Shining down the steps. She gestured excitedly to me.

“This is-Oh! This is-!”

“Shining,” I said with a nod to the older unicorn. Shining nodded back.

“Shepherd,” he replied evenly.

Twilight winced in the sudden, stark silence.

“Oh… So you’ve met?” She asked.

I shrugged, and allowed, “A few times.”

“Quite memorably,” Shining agreed stoically.

The silence continued as Twilight looked back and forth between us. She probably just realized that the odd alien that she loved was… Well not exactly an enemy of her big brother, but definitely someone who had yelled at him a lot over national defense. I cleared my throat, but said nothing. Shining worked his jaw.

Celestia beamed and lifted her wing up against my back.

“Well! Let’s get to the Gala proper, shall we?” She said cheerfully. “Come along, Ser Shepherd! If you will?”

“Certainly,” I said. I reached out to take her hoof. Her telekinesis redirected my hand towards her back. Mentally I shrugged, and I walked alongside her as we headed through the huge grand doors into the palace ballroom. The rest of my friends headed off to their own goals, but we’d all stay in contact.

I’d wandered in here a few times when I’d been held in the palace. Let’s be honest, the place was huge and easy to get lost in. But the ballroom was quite beautiful. High vaulted ceilings colored in warm pinks, oranges and light reds, with banners of blue and purple stretching between the pillars. Magic can allow for very impressive architecture.

There was a stage where pony musicians played soothing classical music. I could see Octavia among them playing her cello, and smiled. She really was amazing if she got a gig for this.

“Thank you for rescuing me,” Celestia murmured in low tones, between her smiling teeth. I kept up my own diplomatic smile as we waded through the gala participants, who parted like the Red Sea for the Princess and her escort. 

“Usually that’s something you say at the end of the night,” I replied softly.

“If only,” she replied, and I almost thought I heard a repressed chuckle.

If she was this nervous, perhaps Twilight was correct in thinking there was danger.

“So,” I said conversationally as we passed by the large buffet table covered in ice sculptures, “where’s Luna? I mean, most fun parties are held at night nowadays, so why isn’t she here?”

“That implies this will be fun,” Celstia stopped in front of the punch bowl, and a pair of cups scooped up the drink, before one hovered in front of me.

“Well, one has to sometimes make fun,” I said, taking one of the glasses with a grateful smile. I sipped it. I raised an eyebrow at the taste.

“Not to your liking, Ser Shepherd?” The Princess asked.

“No, it’s just a bit bland,” I said. “Awfully floral, too.”

Not a drop of alcohol I could taste. Citrus predominated, with jasmine and rose. Not something I was used to at all, but not bad. Just… odd. A species thing, probably.

Celestia allowed herself a small smile. “The spells around the bowl prevent putting in anything other than punch, I’m afraid,” she sighed. “I’ve tried to make my own fun on occasion.”

The princess spiking her own punch bowl? I couldn’t help a grin, one she returned knowingly. 

“Your Majesty!”

Celestia’s smile went back to being a bit rigid as she turned and politely nodded to a tall, pale unicorn with a black mane and pointed beard. He was dressed in the finest of black silks, and carried himself like his skeleton was made of steel. He eyed me with a cold, hard expression, sharp as obsidian.

“Chancellor Neigh-Say, leader of the Traditionalist Party in our Parliament,” she said, by way of introduction, “this is Ser Andrew Shepherd, the Human Knight.”

“Yes. Our celebrity alien,” Neigh-Say said in a tone that almost sounded neutral, save for the hint of ground teeth at the end of his sentence. “It is… Good to meet you finally.”

“Charmed,” I replied, trying for my best welcoming smile. I extended a hand, which the Chancellor stared at for a time. After realizing he wasn’t going to do anything, I pulled my hand back. Celestia’s smile seemed just a tiny bit brittle.

“It is good to see you out and about,” Celestia said kindly, “after the injuries you suffered defending your household during the Thicket Crisis.”

“Well, it wasn’t anything that a few cutting spells couldn’t deal with,” Neigh-Say replied modestly. “As well as some of our finest guards.”

I wondered if I should make myself inconspicuous as the two began talking about houses and politics and other things I really had no idea about. I instead leaned back against the punch bowl table, sipping the fruity drink while watching the Chancellor. He seemed more than a little tense around me, shooting little glances my way like I’d suddenly attack at any moment.

“... Something I believe may interest the human… Ser Shepherd,” Neigh-Say said. I blinked, and nodded.

“Of course, it sounds interesting,” I managed. Crap, what had he been babbling about? Whatever it was, Celestia herded me along to follow the chancellor through the crowd towards a hallway adjacent to the main ballroom. There were several little exhibits on small pedestals and several ponies all observing them with mild curiosity.

My eyes widened as I spotted a suit of armor standing on one of the pedestals. 

A human-shaped suit of armor.

“Chancellor Neigh-Say’s family has kindly donated several relics of ancient humans to us,” Celestia said with a smile. “Things his forebears collected.”

“They were taking up space and seeing how we now have a… Human among us,” Neigh-Say said in a forcedly neutral tone, “I felt it wise to educate the public on your ancient race.”

“Oh, well, thank you,” I managed.

I walked up closer to the plate armor, making out individual details. The primary color was dark blue, with a dark red heart across the chest and a few similarly colored highlights across the grieves and the shin guards. The helmet looked Greek, like a hoplite’s helmet, which was weird on full plate armor. It even had a feathered mohawk atop it, of pure white feathers. It bore a circular shield on one arm, and a fine golden spear in the opposing glove.

 “I’m no expert, but that looks quite fine. How did it come to be here?” I asked.

“According to legend, it was used by Daniel the Brave,” Neigh-Say snorted, “one of the three Williams Siblings. The first Human Guardians of Ponykind, when we dwelt in Dream Valley.”

“The feathers are probably from Lady Surprise, his closest pegasus friend and comrade,” Celestia took over, smiling almost impishly. “And according to later stories, his wife and lover.”

Neigh-Say looked vaguely disgusted at that assertion. I managed to hide my smile at that by studying the armor closely. 

“Fascinating,” I said honestly. “I really must borrow a few books on that time from Twilight Sparkle.”

“Mostly fairy tales,” Neigh-Say snorted. He shook his head as he trotted up alongside the Princess. “The humans of legend were seen quite differently as time went on. Especially as they conquered and enslaved ponies and other species for their dirty work.”

“Megan the Magnificent did save us from Tirek, Neigh-Say,” Celestia reminded him patiently. Again the chancellor huffed.

“And then we saved ourselves when he enslaved us, without any humans to protect or aid us!” He replied. He gave me a glare. “It seems they failed us when we needed them the most, and we stood on our own. Perhaps they weren’t needed at all.”

“Well, you certainly have done well for yourselves since then,” I tried diplomatically.

He eyed me and nodded. “It wasn’t easy, but we’ve become a great civilization.” He gave me an intense expression. “Yours still has many issues.”

“Which one?” I asked. I was curious how they even knew of my civilization, and unless we had formed a world government since I left, there were several hundred countries he could be talking about.

“Your artifacts tell the tale!” Neigh-Say harrumphed. He pointed to another case, where a machine gun was on full display. “You fight amongst yourselves. It is written in every book and every weapon that has crossed over from your world to ours. To fight against enemy species is one thing, but you fight and kill yourselves!”

Oh god. They had the Ape shall not Kill Ape thing going on here. Or Pony shall not kill Pony, I guess.

“I’d be interested in seeing how moral you would be if ponies were the only sapient species on this world. We haven’t had significant external threats to test us, bind us together from time to time. Like the Thicket Crises.” I tried to keep my tone dry. Humans could be horrible, but I didn’t like being moralized at by someone who was ignorant of the details.

Neigh-Say’s nostrils flared, but Celestia trotted up to my side. She smiled gently.

“I believe both our species have a great deal to learn from the other,” she said, “and there’s no need to act like we’re flawless ourselves, Neigh-Say. It’s only a matter of watching parliamentary proceedings to see that.”

Neigh-Say grimaced, but nodded slowly.

“As you wish, Your Majesty,” he said. He gave me a tiny nod. “Ser Shepherd. If you will excuse me.”

“You’re excused,” Celestia said with a smile. The Chancellor stomped off, shooting me dirty looks over his shoulder every so often. I returned them with a cheerful smile and a cheeky wave.

“I thought politicians were supposed to pretend to like their constituents,” I murmured to her.

“He doesn’t get voted for, directly. His position is voted on by a group of elected… You probably don’t want to know, and I definitely don’t want to go through it now. I also don’t think he thinks of you as a constituent,” Celestia sighed.

“Yeah, I figured that,” I said wryly. “Still, there’s a big difference between our worlds. A really good human politician would lie to my face and assassinate my character behind my back. Or on Facebook.”

Celestia bit down a small laugh. 

“Your world sounds so wonderfully strange, the more you talk about it,” she said. She looked back up at the armor of Daniel the Brave. “I feel like I’m hearing stories about the Ancient Humans again.”

I gaped at her in surprise. She beamed at me.

“I was a foal once myself,” she said. 

“It’s… Just hard to imagine it,” I admitted. “But it is very, very cute. Did you have a nanny who read you and Luna stories?”

“We called him Starswirl, but yes,” Celestia chuckled.

We wandered through the exhibition to an open space, underneath a domed roof that shone magical light down onto it. That seemed to be the centerpiece of Neigh-Say’s little exhibit. I had to admit, it was quite impressive. Given the hard industrial lines, boxy shape, and deadly weapons mounted on its huge turret, it definitely hadn’t come from around here.

 I could feel Celestia’s curious look, and I smiled at her.

“That’s a... Bradley fighting vehicle? Or definitely some flavor of armored personnel carrier,” I explained. “A troop transport for combat.”

“With powerful weapons on the turret, I see,” Celestia observed. “To support the troops?”

“Basically,” I said. I patted the side of the large vehicle. “Not that this will be doing any of that. Unless you have a lot of diesel fuel for it.”

“Not a bit,” Celestia said. “Still. I’m sure if we need a means of improving Canterlot’s defenses, you’ll be able to use it properly to protect us.”

I gave her a smile and a wink. 

“I think I can handle things on my own, but good to know,” I said. I lowered my voice a little bit more. “By the way, the whole hoof kissing thing. Did I embarrass you or myself?”

Celestia winked. 

“Not at all,” she said. “Though don’t you think you are rushing into the consort role? Whatever will Twilight think?”

I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes.

I turned to face her fully, and raised my mostly empty glass with a charming smile. “Rushing? Not at all. And how could Twilight stand in the way of destiny? Can’t you sense it? We’re fated to be together. Why else would I have crossed realities to be here in front of you?”

Celestia watched me a moment in silence, before covering her mouth with her hoof. “Pfff- Clearly- Hee hee- I was wrong to knight you, for I’ve stolen the greatest new talent away from the theater.”

“I didn’t roll off the turnip truck yesterday, Your Majesty. I can recognize a sendup. Now seriously, how did I mess up court etiquette?”

“The kiss to the hoof is something only for ambassadors or others of a noble rank above Knight,” Celestia explained gently. She winked. “Shall I arrange for your promotion? There are many ways to do so. Marrying nobility, for instance.”

That wasn’t going to happen. “I am the only human. Should you ever open communications with Earth, I would be honored to be an ambassador,” I suggested wryly.

I don’t know why. Sometimes, I’m solution oriented. Even when I shouldn’t fix the problem.

“I’m not sure whether I should be worried that you want to keep kissing my hoof, or insulted that you don’t want to marry into our nobility.” Her smile remained steady, taking any heat out of her words.

“Don’t be. Well… Not yet, anyway,” I said with a shrug.

It was, after all, essentially the same problem. Besides, there was a much bigger problem to deal with.

“Please tell me you didn’t just ask me to this event just to inquire about my romantic pursuits,” I said, leaning casually against the Bradley fighting vehicle. I reached up to scratch at my cheek, coincidentally hiding the movement of my lips. “After all, surely there are more important things to talk about.”

I gave her a warm smile, eyebrows raised. She was over a thousand years old, she had to know about secret codes and skullduggery. She ran a royal court for God’s sake, she had to be familiar with intrigue.

Celestia chuckled softly, ruffling her feathers softly.

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe how important your romantic pursuits are!” She said. “I was despairing of Twilight ever opening up to anypony. Yet she’s opened up to you.” She hummed thoughtfully. “Perhaps she has a thing for males of other species.”

I blinked. If this was code… I looked around, but could find no Griffons, Caribou, Diamond Dogs… Was I thick, or was she not even…?

“Yes, well, other species have their own… Issues,” I said. “After all, they can be prickly. Difficult. Some see war as politics by other means. Or politics as war by other means.”

Celestia laughed, almost musically. 

“I look forward to learning more about the issues of your species, as you learn about ours,” she said warmly.

Okay, this might be a lot harder than I thought...