//------------------------------// // Ch. 11 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Is Just So Darn Cool // Story: Rainbow Dash is Best Pony // by Tirimsil //------------------------------// Rainbow Dash shifted in her sleep. "... a billion combo trials..." She tried to ignore the deep rumbling noise. "... big... key... stolen... creatures... funny accents... fightin'... herds...." She fluttered her eyes open. "... what's all that noise..." she mumbled. Sounded like everyone in Ponyville was on a rollercoaster - so much rumbling and screaming. Also, this constant, high-pitched droning sound, like Fluttershy was outside her window practicing her choir voice. "What freakin' time is it." She glanced at her cloud clock, but couldn't see it clearly. "Why's it so dark?" She jumped out of bed. The silhouettes carved into her stained glass window were lit upon the floor, but all else was nearly pitch black. She turned to look out the window and leapt back with a roar. "Why's the moon so freaking big?!" Indeed it was massive, as though it were about to fall right onto Ponyville. Oh snap, the moon's actually gonna fall on Ponyville. she concluded. She heard that weird rumbling again, and the screams became louder. In a flash she was out her front door. There was no roller-coaster -- the entire city was shaking from earthquakes, lit in purple and red and coated in fog, like that one horror game with the sex monsters, the golden-yellow moon blinding and nearly filling the sky. She dropped down into the market next to Octavia and Vinyl, huddled together in an abandoned fruit stall and shaking. "What's going on?!" Dash shrieked. She looked to the north as the two of them pointed wordlessly and saw black clouds rumbling with thunder over Canterlot. By Celestia's embarrassing high school photos, she thought, her wings falling limp. Did that sexy bastard bring back Nightmare Moon? "Where are Twilight and the others?" Dash demanded. "Canterlot!" Apple Bloom called as the Crusaders ran to her from the porch of Town Hall. "They're already gone!" "Then I'd better mosey before the moon gets tired waitin'," Dash concluded, and she was in the air - though a bit low, glancing nervously up at the moon as though she was afraid of hitting her head on it. "She's so cool," Scootaloo assured herself, shuddering. She didn't even glance at the train station. Even if she wasn't unfathomably faster, there was no way the trains would be running during the end of the world. They shouldn't have gone off without me, she fretted. Need all of us together. Need to hit this dude with the friend beam. She tried not to think about Twilight or Fluttershy taking Mr. Button-Nose on in a fight. He clearly hadn't been eaten alive by Luna, after all. Dash touched down at the gates to Canterlot. The guards were KO'd. She leaned down briefly to check their pulses, sighing in relief when finding them alive. Then she kicked off again, under the gate, intending to rise up past the rooftops and gun it to the castle. Poof! "Ribbit?" What? Rainbow Dash questioned, plopping to the ground with a wet slap. She blinked, croaking, before straining to try to look closer at herself. "... Ribbit." ... I'm a frog, she deadpanned in her head. "Ribbit." I'm going to kill this guy. At least she was a cool frog. She was really colorful. Try and catch me, she perceived someone saying in a "ribbit", and she turned to see a huge brown-green toad, easily twice her size, awkwardly dancing, slowly spinning in circles without a care in the world. "Ribbit!!" Dash croaked furiously. C'mere, you! She attempted to canter after it, slipping on her frog-feet and falling on her face. The dancing frog elegantly hopped away and resumed its annoying dance. "Ribbit~ ribbit ribbit..." it mocked. Better hurry~ or you'll be stuck like this forever... "Ribbit..." Dash growled, which we will leave untranslated. Watching her opponent's movements, she attempted to copy them to leap after in pursuit, though she did not find much success. "Ribbit ribbit!" her opponent danced jovially. The moon's falling! As Dash backed away, she noticed the other frog slightly approached. Huh, she thought. He's staying just over a hop or two away... Maybe he has to stay close to frogify me... She suddenly got an idea and turned, clumsily scrambling away with the occasional very poorly-executed leap. "Ribbit ribbit!" her harasser chirped, following easily after her. Not likely! "Ribbitribbit," Dash swore again - the soft bottoms of ponies' hooves may have been called frogs, but she wasn't having much luck learning how to frog. Still, after several agonizing minutes, during which she managed to elevate herself from drunken floundering to inefficient somersaulting, she found what she was looking for, catapulting herself into a fountain within a small plaza. "Ribbit??" her pursuer questioned. Water?? He hopped onto the lip of the fountain and resumed dancing, though he no longer spun around, peering intently at the water's surface. Ha, Rainbow Dash smirked to herself, flat against the bottom of the fountain, hiding under the splash where the water fell into the basin. Not like you could pull of those sick dance moves underwater, pal. You're gonna have to stay up there. Then she scowled. Of course, I, Rainbow Danger Am-a-Frog Dash, am just as lousy a swimmer as I am a leaper, and I can't stay here forever. This water's probably chlorinated, and I'm not sure how good frogs are at water-breathing. Fortunately, her idea wasn't done yet. Plip! "Ribbit!" she heard the warbled call of her aggressor through the air-water barrier at the strange sound. There! And he hopped quickly around the fountain, resuming his dancing, scanning the water where he must have thought he saw movement. Several seconds passed in silence. "Ri rib ribbit..." it called. I know you're in there... He abruptly found a bright red tongue flicking out of the water and directly onto his face. "Ri--" Wh-- "Riribbit." Here I am. Dash called in transit. CRACK. With the first flick, Rainbow Dash had learned how long her tongue was. When her opponent changed his position, she moved slightly, fired her sticky tongue directly at his face, and - as he was much heavier than she was - yoinked herself out of the water, ramming directly into him. She liked to think there was a still frame and her theme song started playing when her tongue exited the water. The two of them tumbled off of the fountain. As Dash struggled to her feet - "Blech! Blech, I've got frog-mouth" - she heard the familiar click-clack of her hooves against the marble. She quickly looked around and under her, not particularly wanting to step on the toad. She squeaked as it leapt out from under her, spinning and tumbling into the grass, then stumbling around with swirly eyes. "RiBbIt~" it burped groggily, toppling over and reaching up at invisible somethings with one froggy hand. Dash blinked. I guess I was one of those kinds of frogs, she concluded. Good thing Tree Hugger wasn't here, she shrugged and took off into the sky. Rainbow Dash rose up to Celestia's balcony, took one look at the thing standing there, and dove beneath said balcony, hugging the spire's wall. "What in the name of Rarity without her makeup is that?!" she shrieked aloud as a storm of death swirled off the balcony and into the night, with the most hideous roaring belch this side of Pinkie after taco night. She quickly flittered up then down, only glancing briefly to confirm. Once more, a baleful maelstrom of black miasma billowed out and over the balcony edge, dissipating in the sky. Dash covered her mouth and nose, closing her eyes, unsure of its toxicity. Could this thing render Canterlot uninhabitable? She had definitely seen a huge pair of kissy lips on a stalk with a ton of green tentacles surrounding it. Is that some kinda plant? she conjectured. Did Sapphic or whatever his name is create that thing? Surely those things can't be natural on some part of this planet! She'd have to ask Fluttershy about it. Maybe Zecora. She popped up one more time, this time going extra high, so she could watch exactly what it did. As it scrunched up its big lippy face, shaking its head manically, she backed away, watching intently. Then she saw it barf black goo all over the balcony, which quickly expanded into a heavy, nauseous-looking gas, vanishing as it spilled over the edge. I should really find another way in, she considered, watching it repeatedly barf in her general direction, so bizarrely fascinated she forgot to feel sick. But then I wouldn't be Rainbow Dash, she rationalized, dropping back down out of its line of sight and approaching under the balcony once more. She looked down, leaning side to side so her parallax would let her judge the distance to the bottom. She nodded professionally. Then she dropped all the way down to the bottom of the tower, kicked back up, reached just under the speed of sound, and rammed the underside of the balcony as hard as she could, immediately retreating to a safe distance. There goes my book money, she smiled sadly, wincing in soreness as the balcony crumbled to bits and the horrible barfing plant monster fell to its doom with the crash of trash cans and angry cats. Honestly, I can't believe there isn't a class action against us Heroes of Harmony yet. She fluttered to what was left of the balcony, struggling to open the doors outwards without the proper footing. Still she managed, entering Celestia's bedroom. "Hello?" she called. If nothing else, it might provoke whatever monster was in there to reveal itself ahead of time. "R-Rainbow Dash..?" Celestia groaned. "Princess?!" Dash cried in disbelief, squinting to see in the darkened bedroom. Strangely, it seemed that the place had not been seriously affected, except that Princess Celestia was candidly flopped onto her side on her bed, covered in cuts. Rainbow Dash gasped and cringed - Celestia had taken cuts everywhere. Her opponent had certainly not been a gentlecolt. Fortunately, she was not actively bleeding, though her white mattress was stained rust. "A-are you okay?" Dash worried. "I am in no condition to fight that equine monster - he was far too quick, and overwhelmed my defenses," Celestia coughed. "That... that creature you just saw, it reminds me of when Luna and I shared a bathroOoOM--" She heaved and made the sourest lemon face Rainbow Dash had ever seen, coughing for several seconds. "This is no time for jokes! Have you seen the others?" Dash worried. "Where's your sister?" "The other five witnessed my indignity and pursued him at my insistence... Luna was in her room last I knew," Celestia reasoned. "The madpony likely headed there, and the others would have followed. I've not seen them." "Are you going to be alright?" Dash repeated. "Being alive hurts," Celestia complained. "But Luna did worse when I was under Daybreaker's spur... I made it back here, after all... If the moon does not fall on our heads, I will recover," She assured her. "Go, they need you." Rainbow Dash quickly bowed, rose, and headed out of her door into the hallways, closing it behind her. She heard Celestia locking it with her magic followed almost immediately by snoring. Dash continued on, her heart hot and fiery with worry and rage. Dash took one look and her eyes went dark. Along with several royal guards, Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy were scattered around the luxurious hall to Luna's room like bowling pins. Like Celestia, they were covered in cuts and dried blood. Twilight's and Rarity's horns. Fluttershy's wings. All over all of them. Silver-locks, the sexy creep, stood in front of Luna's door, still as a cat. "Mother, I'm here to see you," he said patiently. "Go away," came Luna's muffled voice from the other side. Dash wasn't surprised to hear that she sounded uncharacteristically terrified. So would Dash if some hot piece of work showed up claiming to be her son, trying to turn her back into the most evil thing she'd ever been, cutting up her sister and best friends. My best friends, her heart burned. "Please open this door," the stallion continued. "Mother, let's take this world back together. Isn't it a splendid idea? To honor this imperfect world with the blessing of darkness?" "Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao... yu mo gui gwai fai di zao..." Luna began repeating to herself. "You." Dash cried, pressing her hooves against the ground in her battle pose. Well, okay, her angry cat pose. "Who are you." The stallion turned to her with a pout. "Do you mind," he cooed evenly, "I'm trying to talk to my mother." "I do mind, actually," Dash answered evenly. "Name. Now." He sighed. "I suppose you'd do well to learn the name of your eternal steward," he conceded. "You may call me Seraphic Nova in the time left to you." "Seraph it is, then," Dash snarled. He scowled, as though offended by the shorthoof. "You're a real looker, ya know that," she continued. "But you're also a jerk. Maybe Faust might forgive a pretty boy like you, but I won't. What the heck do you think you're doing?!" He tilted his head curiously. "I woke up to find my hometown in chaos!" Dash cried. "Because the moon is falling! My family must be terrified! My friends are lying all around broken and sliced up like peeled potatoes!" "Reminds me of when I insulted Applejack's parents," Rarity slurred. "Reminds me of when I insulted my parents," Applejack added. "Please remind me what happened in the last five hours, I'm totally blank," Twilight moaned. "I was there for the beginning of all this and know not what the daffodil is going on," Luna bemoaned from behind her door. "Raaaaaaaaaaagh!" Rainbow Dash shrieked. "Where do you get off?!" "Hahaha," Seraph chuckled. Dash hated chucklers, only Applejack got away with it. "They've come again, mother. Unbelievers... They do not believe in your power, your wisdom, your beauty." "'Tis a really weird thing to speaketh to thy mother," Luna protested. Seraph's tail twitched and straightened, pointing in Dash's direction one or two body lengths behind him, and in an instant she realized how he had inflicted those wounds. "Mother..." Seraph shuddered. "You were meant to rule this world... These worthless creatures are stealing your kingdom... But now I'm here with you. You don't need to worry. You don't need to be sad anymore." "... Sad?" Luna repeated blankly. "I am befreaked as all getteth out!" "Sad?!" Rainbow Dash screamed. "What about our sadness?! Look what you've done to everyone in this castle! Look what you've done to my friends!" "Dashie," Pinkie mumbled, "You really oughta run from this guy..." "He'll whoop you but fierce," Applejack attested. "Oh let her try!!" Fluttershy hacked and wheezed in the rough rasp of some stranger. "She can hardly do any worse than we did!" "H-have you seen Princess Celestia," Twilight wheezed. "Is she okay..?" "She's a tough old girl, she'll bounce back," Rainbow Dash growled, still glaring at Seraph. "You think you're such a hot tamale because you're pretty! But you're not a hot tamale! You're an enchilada! Greasy and sloppy and it falls apart when you try to eat it! My hooves are itchy. My throat runs dry. My heart burns with thunderous anger! You're in cirrus trouble, buddy - and the saddest one here is you!" Dash spat. "... Sad?" Seraph smirked as though she'd been making perfect sense. "Me? What do I have to be sad about? I'm the chosen one. The faithful attendant of the moon. Her shield..." He jabbed his obscenely long tail in Dash's direction. "... and her sword." Something in Rainbow Dash snapped. Her Princess, her best friends, broken and battered on the floor. And he was smirking. Looking over his shoulder at her with a manic grin, he raised a hoof and began to... gather something, some strange magic that gathered in the air near his chest and turned the hallway even colder. "What am I supposed to be sad about?" he taunted. Immediately kicking off with a cloud of dust, Rainbow Dash crossed the distance between them in a blink, skipping right past the tail. "YOUR FACE!" she roared. His eyes widened in surprise and he turned to thrust that glowing hoof at her, his tail starting to curl back towards her, as her back hoof spun towards his chin. KABLAMMO!! Everything went black.