"MOVE IT."
A gap formed in the crowd outside of a mid-sized palisade, centered around something that was snarling and squeaking. Amidst the excitement of the village, past the streamers and signs and posters of every color, Rarity somehow tore through the vulgar masses and made her way awkwardly into Hayburger's plaza, approaching the big table. Squeak. "Curses." Squeak. Squeak. "Curse every pretty stallion to Tartarus. Except Shining Armor." Squeak, squeak. "Only good colt in Equestria and the goddess of love had to snap him up before I even met him. Curse her too. Even if I was probably ten when they got together."
"Mornin', Rarity," Applejack smiled. "Pardon me fer not wavin'..." One of her front legs was still in a cast and she needed the other to keep her balance.
"Oh poor you," Rarity spat, leaning forward in her ivory-and-amethyst wheel-walker to jab a hoof at her, with one of her back legs also in a cast. "What I would give for my only troubles to be that I couldn't wave at ponies!"
"Ya ever try ta buck apples with two legs on the ground? Sit down 'n' eat you some star-crossed burgers," Applejack rolled her eyes.
"It's pretty hard standing on two legs," Twilight nodded. She had casts on her wings.
"I'm very proud of my legs," Rarity huffed, raising her nose. "Or at least I was! When I could use them!" she snarled. "Someone be a dear and help line me up."
"Come on, Queenie," Pinkie beamed, looking absolutely fine. "It's not that bad." She skipped lightly behind Rarity and began to clumsily swing her around, to her distress. Rarity batted her away and finished wriggling herself into alignment by grabbing the table and moving the entire planet around herself.
"Oh Rarity, please be optimistic," Fluttershy cooed. She was covered in cute band-aids with hearts. "You just have a sprained cannon... There are so many ponies who can never walk without assistance... We're all very lucky..."
"No! Seraph is lucky!" Rarity scowled. "Because if he took my legs from me permanently... I'd smash them!!"
"Suuuuh girls," Rainbow Dash yawned, floating in with her wings holding her up like she was a loose marionette. "Sorry to hear you're sufferin' so much, Rares. Ya want me to help walk you home? Maybe," she yawned again, "Maybe help out 'round the shop..."
"I can help."
Rarity blinked, her outraged fire suddenly gone. She looked both ways and swallowed self-consciously. "Oh, um. Thank you, Rainbow Dash. As long as you girls are by my side, I won't want for anything even if I am completely crippled. But you look exhausted, you need rest."
"... I said I could help."
"Absolutely," Twilight nodded. "My schedule's pretty open - as long as I don't have to fly, I can help Rarity." She glanced over herself self-consciously, scuffed but otherwise intact other than the wings.
"I may be able to make time to help with the couture," Fluttershy offered. "I only have superficial cuts." She squirmed and looked down ashamed, opening her mouth to continue.
"Don't start." Rainbow Dash's head suddenly popped up to look at her. Dash stretched all her limbs and her neck and glared around at everyone. "I don't want any of you feeling guilty like you didn't fight that nutcase hard enough. I shoulda been there with all of you, and I'm the least injured, so if you're gonna blame someone, it's my fault... I'm a lousy Element of Loyalty." She looked down bitterly.
"I think you all could use some work, considering?"
"Are you kiddin'?" Applejack almost laughed. "Soon as you saw what he did ta us, you took him down somethin' fierce. Pow, right in th' kisser, loyalest thing I ever saw."
"Look, let's not worry about that," Twilight reasoned. "That's not what today's about." Right on cue, her stomach rumbled. She blushed deeply. "Hay Burger may not be the healthiest option, but it's something to help us get our strength back up."
"Oh wow, like, hi guys!" Lyra waved as she approached, her horn glowing golden under her red cap. An enormous ghostly golden hand was holding a clipboard next to her. "I didn't know you girls ate here!"
"... I didn't know ya worked here," Applejack returned.
"The Ponyville economy is, like, mega dynamic," Lyra nodded. "I just signed on a week back for a season or two."
"I usually only come here when... no one is looking..." Twilight meeped, ducking her head down and glancing at the crowds gawking at them through the gate.
"Oh my," Fluttershy fretted, "Ever since that photo made it to the papers..?" Twilight puffed her cheeks out in outrage but looked away and nodded.
"Then I won't keep you too long," Lyra nodded again, and, with her mouth, pulled out the pencil from the holder-thingy on the clipboard, taking down their orders and walking off.
"... What's Bon Bon do for a living, again?" Twilight whispered.
"Whattya mean?? She sells candy," Pinkie hissed in mild outrage. "That's why she's called that. And I think she might also erase ponies' memories."
"What!" Applejack scoffed.
"I thought that was Wallflower Blush," Rarity furrowed her brows.
"Wallie does it with a spell. Bon Bon does it with a doohickey. She tried it on me once and I pretended it erased my memory and she seemed to be okay with everything so I think it erases memories." Pinkie nodded with the firm scowl of truthfulness.
"... What'd you witness wut needed t' be erased??" Applejack fretted.
"Apparently me," Starlight Glimmer complained, having been sitting at the table the entire time. "Unless Seraph beat me up so bad I'm a ghost and you girls literally just don't notice I'm here."
"Starlight, shush," Pinkie scolded. "How many real actual episodes written by professionals just forgot about major characters even when they were super relevant to what was going on? Just 'cause this story forgot you ever existed doesn't mean you've gotta be so grumpy."
"Thank you," Starlight flopped in her seat in relief. "Finally someone acknowledges I'm here." She sighed. "Just wish I could've gotten a chapter where Rainbow Dash unwittingly helped me with black magic or something."
"She already made a deal with the devil last story. Now we're gonna forget you again for the rest of the chapter," Pinkie foretold.
"Wait, what--"
"Here ya go," Lyra returned, the big golden hand setting down their trays. "Oh, by the way, um, Rainbow Dash," she grimaced and went all pigeon-hooved. "S-s-sorry!"
"Om-nyem-mmf," Twilight was already viciously devouring her burgers.
"Huh?" Dash blinked. "For what?"
Pinkie froze with a burger halfway to her mouth to stare in horror and disgust at Twilight.
"Um, earlier, at Sugarcube Corner..." Lyra reminded her.
"Oh." Dash blushed. "No, that's fine. Don't worry 'bout it."
"By Kimono's poetry, Twilight, how long has it been since you've eaten?!" Rarity hissed in scandal.
"Pastel Palette was super cute," Pinkie praised. Dash blushed deeper and scowled at her.
Twilight froze, glanced all around, swallowed, and slowed down considerably.
"R-right," Lyra brushed bashfully at her hair. "Say, um... do you have... a spare one of those uniforms?"
"We got 'em in several sizes," Pinkie offered brightly and obliviously. "Someone ordered way too many. Just come by sometime and that someone was me and we'll find one that fits!"
Rainbow Dash groaned and hid her face under her wings.
"Hey, uh, girls..." Dash asked, staring up at the giant strip of paper spread over the entrance to Ponyville square. "What the heck is a..." She squinted. "D'BOO-tunt?"
"Debutante," Twilight frowned critically at the same sign. "I think Filly Sue All's-well wrote that sign for you."
"A debutante is a lady making her first splash in the big scene," Rarity answered.
"But I went to all those galas already."
"Yes," Rarity huffed, "And they're graciously pretending those never happened."
"I still don't know why them city-trotters didn't want no good food," Applejack complained.
"They had free catering." Rarity deadpanned.
"Ya git what ya pay for!" Applejack insisted.
"Ooooh?! And how much did we pay for Seraph to cripple half of us?!" Rarity reminded her.
"... s'pose ponies've done stupider things fer free," Applejack finally conceded. "And I suppose it was befer them authentic home cookin' places became popular in Canterlot, when everypony was chasin' th'... what was it... bare flanks of a taste?"
"Why are you always the one talking about bare flanks!" Twilight objected.
Rainbow Dash nodded and lazily tumbled through the air, under the d'BOO-tunt poster, into the plaza like a bumblebee.
"Applejaaaack, you know Twilight is sensitive about her very large flanks!"
"I will break the rest of you with a thought, country girl. Hey, where'd Dash go??"
It would have been incredibly narcissistic to buy another copy of her own book. Or a pinwheel where all of the arms were Rainbow Dashes. Or a T-shirt of her own face inside of a heart. Or any of the other odd trinkets in her likeness that showed up on the rare occasion she was on Ponyville's good side this week.
She did, of course. To support local industries. C'mon, there was a gold statue of her like she'd sponsored an award, she had to get it. She was going to put them in a case in her giant cloud mansion, but that was because they were mementos. Of the time her crush broke her heart and hurt all her friends and she kissed him. Kissed him with her hooves. Kissed his teeth all over Canterlot.
And as Rainbow Dash fluttered around the plaza looking for her friends, who surely did not run off in much of a hurry since they were almost all wearing casts, her head whipped around at the sight of a Scootaloo-sized foal in a black cloak leaping at a passing wagon and swiping one of the three Scootaloo-sized bags hanging off the sides - the green one, specifically - throwing it over her back and running off.
Oh come on! Dash internally roared. And she dropped her book, her pinwheel, her golden statue, and the hug pillow, and took off with only the T-shirt. Her wings burned and made little popping sounds and she realized she was definitely not going half the speed of sound. Heck, she waved it off.
The cloaked figure bounced off of a wall into a sidestreet and Dash managed to air brake, doubling back in a loop to safely follow. Scootaloo's getting good, she half-praised. I'm butts at the whole turning thing.
But not that butts. She closed on Scootathief, fully obscured by the cloak. What's in the bag? She's going pretty slow. Must be heavy. Dash briefly considered grabbing her by the tail, but couldn't see where her tail was behind all that cloak. She grabbed the cloak instead.
Suddenly, she couldn't see anything and someone was on her back. BUTTS, she panicked, realizing her quarry had flipped onto her back and shoved the cloak into her face. Her instincts pulled her sharply upwards.
The pressure left her back and she tore the cloak away from herself, looking around wildly at the rooftops. I'm giving her a stern talking to about that--
She saw the green bag falling out of the sky. Also, it was emitting a muffled shrieking and flailing.
Dash looped again to seize it from above and held it close to herself, pulling up into a glide. She landed into a clumsy roll, tucking her wings in quickly to avoid snapping one in half yet again. When the world stopped spinning, she relaxed her grip and the bag frantically unzipped itself.
Scootaloo poked her front half out of the bag and looked around panting with googly eyes. "... Rainbow Dash?!" she gasped. She shook her head and laser-focused on her. "What's the big idea?! So we stowed away, so what! You gotta throw me around like those... those clothes washing... machine things?! I coulda puked!" She paused in confusion. "Um... Rainbow Dash? URK."
Dash hugged her tight and nuzzled her and cried. "I'm-so-glad-you're-okay-that-was-so-scary-some-weirdo-stole-you-and-I-thought-you-stole-you-but-you're-in-the-bag-please-stop-making-me-do-this-it's-not-fun-anymore."
"What?? Are Bloom and Sweetie still on the wagon?! ... Why're you wearing a shirt of yourself?"
"Mares, stallions, and foals of Ponyville," Mayor Mare boomed illustriously, with an Inkwell or another - there were a bunch of 'em, they all looked alike - stoically trying not to wince next to her, "We are gathered, assembled, and congregated here today to formally recognize one of our informally most recognizable citizens."
"There ya are. Where'd ya go??" Bloom hissed as Scootaloo trotted back into the plaza. Scootaloo scowled and papped her on the head with one wing. "Hey!! What's yer problem?!"
Dash stuck a hoof between them to get their attention. "No hitting," Dash gently commanded. Scootaloo drooped and grimaced in apology.
"Oh, and here she is!" Mayor Mare beamed. "Precisely on time and not a minute sooner, as always. For I'm sure you have all noticed the decor, the adornments, and the garnish, but if for some reason this is not sufficient, our pony of honor today is the unmistakable, the inimitable, the one and only: Rainbow Danger Dash! Come on up here, Miss Dash." She stepped aside and awkwardly tapped her hooves against the wood to join the applause.
Dash rolled her eyes and walked casually up the steps to take the stand from the Mayor, waiting for everyone to quite down. "I'd like to admit a terrible secret I've been hiding for many years." The crowd ooh'd and went silent. The Mayor stiffened and frantically consulted her notes. "... My middle name isn't actually Danger. Legally speaking." The crowd gasped and laughed. The Mayor blinked and pouted at Whatsit Inkwell, whose cheeks reddened a bit. "Now, I'm very well-known for... how humble I can be..." The crowd laughed again. "... so this may come as a second shock, but I fully approve of this festival in my honor." She paused for the mix of laughs and groans.
"... And, uh..." Dash cleared her throat awkwardly. Boy, the air sure was dry today, her eyes were watering. "Thank you. For putting up with me all these years. For helping me out when I screw things up. For doing, um, all of this when I'm not screwing up." She waved at all the Rainbow Dash stuff everywhere. "And I don't just mean, y'know... The Girls. I know you all think it's all us, we uh, we go out and turn gods to stone... or heal some sad 'n' angry creature's broken heart... or, or get the snot beat out of us by some pretty boy who thinks Luna's his mom, and I know we do a lot, but we do that because... We wanna come back home. We wanna have a home to come back to. And it's all of you who keep this home. Growing the food, fixing the damage, keeping the trees pretty and the streets clean, and keeping everything fun. You all took me in and gave me so much to do and so many reasons to do it and I... don't think... that dumb old Rainbow Dash can ever pay it off... I can't even make it up to the weather team for all the times I slacked off on duty... Um... A better gal than me couldn't ask for better friends than you." She suddenly dropped down from the stand and quickly trotted back down the stairs amid a fresh round of applause.
Applejack, sensing the issue, rushed over with a big smile and put her hat on Dash's head, like this was just some silly joke. This of course allowed Dash to cover her eyes.
"Thank you," Dash whispered.
"Always a pleasure," Applejack returned behind her smile.
Rarity honked into a tissue with her makeup running.
The Mayor paused before shuffling back to the stand. "That was... a... sincere, heartfelt, and grateful statement from Miss Rainbow Dash..!" she said as if she was surprised Dash had feelings. "I... don't think I can add anything more to that sentiment. So I will go right ahead and conclude the formalities. Rainbow Dash. By popular demand, and with my blessings as mayor of this beautiful town, you are hereby titled Ponyville's Best Pony for a Day!"
"And you always thought you'd never get it," Pinkie teased.
"Release the balloons!" the Mayor crooned.
"The what?" Dash repeated blankly, frowning under Applejack's hat.
"The-what!!" Pinkie shrieked. She began to writhe and gesture wildly around with her hooves as massive clouds of balloons in every color, all with Rainbow Dash's misshapen facial features stretched around their bulk, began to rise into the air. "I-don't-remember-if-I-helped-with-this!!!" She collapsed onto the ground, smote by the full splendor of her deity.
"Yoooo, what?!" Rainbow Dash danced around on her hooves, then crouched down, wriggled her butt, leapt up like a cat, and spiraled up into the sky, watching the countless balloons beginning their misadventures to the heavens in her honor. "Kyahaha!" she cackled, throwing Applejack's hat off. "Being Rainbow Dash is awesome!"
"But being me sucks," someone complained below, still being ignored.
"Did she really just chuck m' hat," Applejack complained, producing another from nowhere and setting it on her head. "My pa only left me so many o' these..."