Kafei offers one peet. Do you accept his offering? Follow him on Instagram at @thelegendofkafei
OK, so like in this story Princess Flurry Heart is a teenager and she is a rebellious teenager (I mean what teenager isn’t rebellious?) Oh I just yawned that is not a good sign I’m writing this whole thing in like voice to text because I’m on my phone. The voice to text program on my computer stopped working Anyway so one day Flurry Heart was like “Mom, I am pregnant.”
And Cadence was like, “Yo, what the fuck?! Why are you having unprotected sex?! I know teenagers have sex—that’s why I teach about the importance of contraception rather than abstinence, because I am the princess of love and I know teens are mad horny. Anyway the point is, did you not wrap it before you tapped it???”
And Flurry Heart—because Cadence had taught her that she could have an open conversation with her mom—Flurry Heart was like, “Yeah we’ve been using the pull out method.”
And Cadence was like “Yo dog, the pull out method is not foolproof and like even if you do it right you can still get pregnant; it isn’t 100%. I mean nothing in life is 100% except how much I love pegging Shining Armor, but like you get what I mean: actually using contraception makes it astronomically less likely for you to get pregnant.”
“Eww, Mom, can you stop talking about all the weird kinky sex you have with Dad?! It’s weird and gross!”
“Yeah, OK, you’re right. Sorry, Sweetie. Anyway, so you’re pregnant. Who’s the guy?”
“Mom, I feel like you don’t pay attention when I tell you about my life! I’m dating Natasha; she’s trans, remember?”
That’s right anti-SJWs, this is a teen romance with a trans character and there’s nothing you can do about it. We’re getting this shit fucking gay up in here!
Anyway, Cadance was like, “Natasha, oh yeah, I feel like you have mentioned her occasionally. Anyway, not that it’s my business, but y’all are both in high school so like I’m a little surprised she isn’t on puberty blockers which I presume would make it a bit harder to get you pregnant, although I’m not gonna lie, as a cis mare I haven’t done a ton of research into that stuff. I really probably should, given I am the princess of love—of all sorts—including love of your body, and I want trans mares and stallions to be happy.” Take that dumb-ass right-wing bronies. Cadance says trans rights! (though as we will later see, her political views are indirectly not so good for trans people creatures in this silly made up story.
“OK, anyway, so as your mom, I will be here for you, but also I’m not a control freak parent, so like, if you want to keep the pregnancy I will help however I can, and if you want to get an abortion, that is your decision to make. I mean I guess Natasha should have a little say, but ultimately it’s your body. By the way is Natasha a pony? Like that doesn’t feel like a pony name. Is she not actually like a Russian spy or something? Because that feels like the name of a Russian spy.”
“Oh yeah,” Furry Fart said, “she just moved here from Stalliongrad.”
Has anyone ever actually figured out a second Russian horse pun besides that one? FanOfMostEverything I’m calling on you; you usually are pretty good with these things. You helped me figure out a horse pun for a hotel when I wrote that horrible Rarity and Twilight shitfic that Monochromatic didn’t like.
Anyway, fast forward however many months horses are pregnant (I don’t know I think it’s 11 months?) And 16-year-old (let’s say she got pregnant right after her birthday or some thing so she is still 16) Slurry Shart gives birth to a beautiful baby colt. It’s a pegasus. Like Natasha. Dear readers, please suggest names for this newborn in the comments section.
A year later, Flurry Heart was pregnant again.
“What the fuck, Flurry?! Look, like you know I’m a libertine mom and I don’t wanna be up in my daughters biz, but Jesus, use fucking protection! Also, does Natasha still not have HRT? Doesn’t that shit fuck with your sperm and make you infertile?”
“No, Mom—because we don’t have universal healthcare, she can’t afford it. I wish the Crystal Empire had ‘Medicare for All’ like mainland Equestria.”
“I told you Flurry, I’m a right-libertarian princess; that’s why I don’t believe in things like healthcare or roads or Earth Ponies having the right to vote.”
“What the fuck Mom? fuck you!”
OK I’m really hoping the deadline for the contest is 11:59 PM not a.m. a.m. seems like a kind of arbitrary time to end the contest. Anyway I need to go to sleep. I also need to edit this, so I’ll edit it tomorrow. But hey, it feels good to write a shitfic again.
Also, did you know that my roommate’s cat is named Kafei after a Legend of Zelda character, and I love Kafei, and he loves me, and he sometimes sleeps with me on my bed, and I’m so glad I finally have a cat in my life that I can pet because I’ve always wanted to have a cat to pet, but I’m very allergic, but I honestly don’t really even take allergy pills much anymore, just occasionally. Oh, he just jumped on my bed to get pets! Goodnight everyone, I love you all! I’ll continue the story tomorrow
Kafei offers one peet. Do you accept his offering? Follow him on Instagram at @thelegendofkafei
Hi it’s now tomorrow. Honestly what I’m worried about is not reaching 1000 words. I’m worried about editing this monstrosity into something the fanfic mods actually accept
In DWK’s voice with a beer can being opened sound effect:
OK, so
Please now continue reading with whatever internal voice you were previously using before the dumb Totally Legit Recaps reference. God I miss that guy. DWK please come back; you make life worth living.
Quickie Mart Flurry Heart was like, “Yo, Mom, what the fuck, why are you racist?! That’s not cool!”
And Cadence was like, “Fuck them earth ponies!”
And Flurry Lungs was like, “Fuck you; I got knocked up by an earth pony and I’m going to have a mixed-race baby. Suck my farts, Mom!”
What about Natasha? Natasha died. She offed herself because of merciless bullying from her classmates and also strangers on 8changeling because queer studies and Internet safety aren’t in the Crystal Empire curriculum like they are in the rest of Equestria.
Flurry Spleen offered the following analysis: “What the fuck is up with our schooling system? What the fuck is up with our government in general? I feel perhaps hereditary monarchy is not the way to go.”
And Cadence was like, “You fucknugget! Don’t you wanna be Premier Prissy Pony Princess when I die?”
And McFlurry Machine Broken Heart was like, “Dude, fuck no! You’re the strongest argument against the divine right of princesses that I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I’m going to get Twilight to overthrow your ass and install representational democracy.”
And Cadance was like “Lollllll LMFAO! Good luck with that; I have Twilight in my pocket; I used to babysit her! We’z tight!”
and Flurry Kidney was like, “Yo dog, people change. It’s been like what, 30 fucking years since you last babysat her? She has watched you from afar with pain in her heart as you have turned into the douche canoe you are today. She’ll be glad to help me overthrow you, bitch!”
Cadance was peeved. “How fucking dare you talk to your mother like that! You are grounded; go to your room!”
And Flurry Kingdom Hearts 3 was like, “You can’t make me; I’ve been reading Marxist literature, and Pony Mao says that political power grows from the barrel of a gun. I’m going to do to you what the Bolsheviks did to the stars!
“Wait,” Cadance said, “I know you meant Tsars not Stars, but that would be a funny alternate history where Luna takes the place of Anastasia and the SARS Tsars aid in her escape!”
Fuck it looks like I forgot to save cause I was in the middle of doing delivery driving and the last few paragraphs got wiped out but anyway I didn’t really know how to end this story so I guess it just ends with Flurry Heart saying “Fuck you, Cadance!” and fucking a bunch of earth ponies to stick it to the man. Or mare, as it were. I don’t know, I’m not really proud of this story but hey at least I’m writing it it’s been hard for me to write shitfics lately because I don’t like writing characters out of character; it feels weird. But I guess ultimately just gotta say “fuck it”
and go for it. That’s kind of like life. Sometimes you just gotta go for it.
Dear reader, if you leave the story with any sort of take away, I hope it is this: go for it. Whatever it may be. I have a Scootaloo-themed song called “Go For It!”, and maybe someday I’ll actually finish writing it, but until then, I can still advise you, dear reader. Whatever your dreams are, go for them! Please, have a blessed day and a good night.
Oh, and Twilight cast the “Fetus Deletus” spell on Flurry Heart and she got an abortion. In Canterlot, where they actually have Universal Healthcare.