//------------------------------//
// Great-Apple Jonagold 
// Story: Two and a Half Liars 
// by Tirimsil 
//------------------------------//

"C'mon sis!" the high-pitched voice pestered.

Applejack walked up to the tree.

"You promised!"

Applejack turned and kicked the tree.

"What're you so embarrassed fer?!"

Applejack froze before putting her hoof back down, turning her huge pouty face to Twilight and Spike smiling and waving several paces away.

"Do ya think I got th' key ta th' city or somethin'?!"

Applejack grunted "Eunnh." and continued with her work.

"Um," Twilight began, coughing delicately. She tilted her head and spoke gently. "Do you wanna talk about what happened?"

"Eeuuuuhhhh-nope," Applejack returned, not breaking stride.

"Good luck gettin' her ta," Apple Bloom pouted. "She won' even trust her one 'n' only sister who prob'ly mussed up worse last week than whatever coulda happened on this dang boat trip."

This time, Twilight put a hoof on Spike's face (having meant to go for the chest) and continued talking with a big smile. "That's okay. Rarity already told us everything. We'll just go."

"Aw, she did?!" Apple Bloom kicked at the dirt.

Twilight's smile dropped as Applejack kicked the next tree right out of the ground. "Rarity tole you?" she turned with wide eyes, a twitching scowl, and steaming nostrils. "Rarity tole you a bunch-a-hooey is what she prob'ly did."

"Really?" Twilight gasped and tilted her head innocently. "Gosh, it lined up so well with what Pinkie said..."

"Yer as bad a liar as ya are a farmer," Applejack growled. "Fine. Follow me 'n' listen." She returned to her duties as Twilight and Spike exchanged a high-low-five and fished out the notebook.

"Finally." Apple Bloom scowled.

The three of them followed after Applejack as she moved to another grove. Behind them, Fluttershy struggled to put all the trees Applejack had kicked over back up, the former residents of their branches cheering her on.



I ain't happy yer makin' me talk about this. Don't you go tattlin' to them two airheads none. This is our secret, ya hear? You too, Apple Bloom.

I had a nightmare th' mornin' we was due fer th' train.

I was tied up in some dungeon somewhere over a pool o' sharks, 'n' m' head tole me th' ninjies got me. Y'know, ninjies. Th' fellers with th' hoods 'n' th' samurai swords that go "Yooooo!" 'n' throw them shureekens 'round.

"Eeeey Applejack-a, you will-a tell me th' secret, uuuuh?" That were Mayor Mare, yes she had that accent, she was one of them urban ninjie-havers. "The uuuuh, youse knows, da secret to growin' da ultimate apple, so's I can clobber dat Equestrian economy, seeeee?"

'n' my dumb self, I said, "I won't never tell you nothin' ya ol' blubber-faced yellow-bellied skunk."

And that ol' snake in my boot, that ol' poison in th' water-hole, that ol' fat cat who'd steal th' hat off my head and go howdy-howdy-howdy, she said, "I figya'd youse'd say dat. Now youse is gonna get kissy wit da fishies!" 'n' she clapped 'er hooves 'n' th' chain went grrrrrdlrdlrdlrdl 'n' I done fell me inta th' dangum shark tank, screamin' somethin' awful!

'n' then I sat up in bed, hackin' 'n' coughin' but still screamin', and a certain somepony else were screamin' too.

But then she weren't screamin', she were goin' "Wake up sis, ya got a boat trip today, also hayyeelp!" from inside th' upside-down big ol' pot - don' look at me like that Apple Bloom that's just exactly how you sound - from inside th' big ol' pot she musta filled with water 'n' harassed me with. Sure as Pinkie snores Granny Smith put 'er up ta that, Apple Bloom wouldn't 'o' dared cook that one up on 'er own, that's th' only reason I ain't whooped her.

Naturally I asked her, purdy sharp-like, "Why're you waterin' me for?!" 'n' then I got up 'n' picked that pot offa her silly lil' head 'n' I remembered, "Oh right. Th' dang boat trip..."

"Wish I could go with ya," she gave me that big ol' stole-a-cookie smile, I know you been stealin' cookies girl, "Buuut I reckon you want yer boat ta stay up-side-up." Maybe I shoulda brought 'er. Since th' dang boat did turn upside down maybe she woulda put it back th' right way.

I ruffled her hair, which was good for her what since th' pot had flattened her out, 'n' promised I'd tell her 'bout it after I got back. 'n' I was goin' ta go "it's still after I got back ain't it" 'til Rarity had grey hairs so I s'pose I ought ta thank ya fer makin' me keep my promise. Anyhow, Apple Bloom headed out 'n' surely had her a much nicer two days than I did while I slipped inta th' shower. Yes we have a shower.

Now th' shower made me feel antsy 'n' y'all prob'ly figured out by now that I don't do so good with water. I sink like a rock. I ain't th' imaginative sort but I came up with eleventy-hundred ways I coulda fell in th' water and only a couple o' ways Rarity or Pinkie might save me.

Th' only reason I agreed ta go on that stupid trip is because I ain't no coward! I was flirtin' with death! And it turns out, Granny's grandpa, Great-Apple Jonagold were his name, he liked ta tell folks he was a pirate. I say it that way 'cause I ain't so sure myself that he was, but he said he hid a treasure near th' Silver Shoals as they was called back then, 'n' just last month we found us a treasure map with his name on it! So I had ta see if he were full o' horseapples or not, 'n' I figured th' girls would be mighty thrilled ta go on an adventure some, Rarity loved them "romance"-like things 'n' if nothin' else Pinkie would just do pirate voices th' whole time. Th' idiots.

I uh, declined ta mention at any point durin' th' trip that there were skellingtons in Great-Apple Jonagold's stories. I know, I can be a bit remiss time to time, and I didn't stop ta think that maybe they was real. But come ta think of it, after what we been through, I really oughta have tole 'em bout th' possibility. Hmm.

Anyhow. I gussied up 'n', noticin' th' time was a bit late, headed out.



Now, th' three of us might be a little bit dumb, but we ain't that dumb. We agreed ta meet a bit ahead o' time in case any of us was late.

Which I was. "Hol' yer horses, girls!" I yelled canterin' up to 'em. I... miiiighta done a yip-yip-yahoo, I were purdy excited. "Where ya at? Ya got everythin'?"

"Oh, Applejack," Rarity rolled 'er purdy eyes at me, I shoulda rolled 'em 'round th' back-a her head, "Where have you been, darling! And why are you dressed like that!"

Now I mighta already been losin' my patience with this girl, and I couldn't stop myself from makin' a cluckin' noise back at her befer I replied at 'er. "We ain't all such perfect ladiemoozels as you, Rarity! Some-a us gotta improvise th' time! " And I slapped m' hat down on th' ground, but I don't reckon neither of 'em noticed th' dang treasure map what was in it. Wait. Did I slap th' hat open-side down? Aw son of a...

Welp, me bein' an idiot, Rarity didn't know what th' heck I was throwin' my hat around fer. "What are you doing! Calm down, Applejack, Pinkie's quite silly enough for the three of us."

"Aw, ferget it," I sighed, 'n' put m' hat back on my dumb empty stupid wrong-way-throwin' head.

"Travelin' light this time, Queenie?" Pinkie done blurted out all th' sudden.

I took me a look-see at Rarity. Sho nuff, she only had a purse with her. Wasn't even dressed. "Pinkie's got a point. You git mugged like some old lady?" I smirked at 'er 'n' patted her on th' back 'n' she made this whole big ol' show of hackin' 'n' coughin' like I done knocked her lungs right out. Yep, th' mare who threw Blueblood out a window once, th' gal who Discord goaded inta boxin' 'im who knocked out his snaggletooth, yep, that girl was real mussed up by a gentle tap on th' back from Applejack, who she done bowled over once.

"Who's an old lady..?!" she hissed at me, 'n' we got on th' train.

And boy howdy did we git tired of Pinkie boppin' us on th' nose every time she saw any dang ordinary thing th' train were passin' but I did my best lettin' her go 'bout it and I could see Rarity were holdin' back her murderous urges too.



We stayed th' night at Silver Shoals, o' course - er, Seaward Shoals, whatever th' heck it's called - so's on th' first day we meandered 'round.

I found a cousin' o' mine, dear lil' Kelp Cookie, she's a filly, folks call 'er Kelpie, had ta help 'er out with a water-kudzu infestation. See, water-kudzu is real creepy, it's actually an animal, it can swim, comes at ya like a leech or a snake. Plumb awful and that sweet little lady wasn't about ta wrassle a swarm of 'em so's she could harvest th' seaweed. And ya see, we were fixin' ta have us some Skateboard Sells Snore-Shucked Bell... Whatsit... Seaweed, I fergot th' name, but it's seaweed and we couldn't exactly have any 'til I done chased away them sea-kudzus, and since I can't swim none that took all th' smarts I had and now I got nothin' but dumb ideas fer th' next couple weeks. 'course, they was so grateful we got ta have it fer free. Don't reckon Rarity told ya that.

Dumb ol' Rarity thought seaweed was a fruit. "Oh Applejack," she pip-pipped at me, battin' them fake ostrich lashes, "These are the oddest apples I've ever had, wouldn't you agreeeeee."

Ooooh I had ta let 'er have it!! "Apples?!" I yelled back. "How're these anythin' like apples?! They got no stem! No flesh! Very low in sugar, butt-load o' MSG, completely diff'rent flavor!" Why're you lookin' at me like that? I'm right, ain't I?! Apple Bloom, you can tell an apple from a seaweed, can't you, girl?! How many apples you ate in your life?! I done had twice as many, boy howdy!

So that evenin' we git ta th' hotel and bless her heart, Pinkie got us a room what had only two beds. Now I were already startin' ta git in a bad mood some, but I tried ta give 'er some slack, th' problem was one-a-us had ta sleep on the dalgurn floor. And ta tell ya the truth, I was all set ta volunteer, but sweet Celestia, guess who done cut in afer I could.

"Pinkie Pie!" that ol' Duchess Rarity whined like Winona when we're tryin' ta git a squirrel out her mouth, "I can't believe you! These beds aren't big enough for any two of us, which of us is going to sleep on the floor?! I know you used to sleep on rocks, but from what I've heard of your visits back home, I dare say only Applejack could possibly tolerate such discomfort!"

Now, let me be clear here: She were right. Pinkie grew up on a rock farm, but that were some years ago, 'n' whenever we went back there she could barely sleep a wink. Big Mac 'n' Apple Bloom too. But Granny 'n' I never had no problems.

But I weren't about ta let her git away with decidin' that!! So's I asked her what in th' hay she meant by that 'n' how I had half a mind ta somethin'-somethin' but I couldn't come up with no somethin'-somethin' and if that girl tole you I jess had half a mind full stop I'm' gather both them halves together 'n' give 'er what's for but fierce boy howdy!

Anyhow. Pinkie brought herself a sleepin' bag, which was mighty fortunate, 'n' while me 'n' Rarity were bickerin' she just rolled it out quick as ya please 'n' sat herself down on it. 'n' when we looked at her, she said it were her fault so she'd sleep on th' floor. And I s'pose that was plenty fair o' her.

What wasn't so fair was Rarity headin' inta th' shower 'fore we woke up, and ya know what? I admit it. I know what Rarity said, she prob'ly went on two-three minutes about how we didn't shower 'n' she mighta thought we did it to spite her. Well we did. Or, leastabouts, I did. I heard her singin' in th' shower and I didn't want ta wait two or three hours none so's I tole Pinkie, heck, let's not waste our time, let Rarity smell th' consequences o' her actions, she wouldn't learn none but I'll be sent ta apple kindergarten befer I let her git away scot-free with her shenanigans, and she's always wearin' that nasty perfume o' hers so it's whatchacallit... turnip... turnabouts! That's it.

'n' Pinkie shrugged and we went about it. Weren't th' first time either of us skipped a day I'm sure. Don't lookit me like that, befer I git ta cookin' I always water m'self like a drunk cat, I may not talk so smart but I ain't some Dark Age peasant, I know how them infect-ee-ous agents work!

Anyhow, I done all this talkin' and we ain't even got to th' boat! We knew we were at th' right one when we saw all Rarity's luggage. Shoot, how many boxes was that, eight or ten, I reckon? ... Twelve?! Pinkie said twelve?! ... It mighta been twelve.

Now Pinkie, she ain't so good at waitin', which we had ta do fer Rarity, who's always on time in her mind, 'n' not on any other soul's "shed-ule". So's I busied m'self lookin' 'round th' dock. I done a lotta woodwork in my time, 'n' lil' Apple Bloom here's a prodigy in th' stuff, but neither of us ever built over water, so's I was admirin' th' hooftiwork.

'n' I musta been 'round some crates or some such when I hear Rarity yell, "Well it wasn't my turn to watch her!" which I'm sure she thought were real funny. "Mayhaps she's been taken in by a tool display in the craftsman's quarter?"

Anyhow I yell back "Still here!" 'n' what's with that look.



"Um," Twilight awkwardly rubbed at her neck. "We were told, at this point in the proceedings, you stomped a crater into the earth."

"Wut!!" Applejack yelled, her hat popping up off her head, spinning, and falling back into place. "Of all the far-fetched... Is that what Rarity said?!"

"No. Pinkie." Spike shook his head. "Rarity said you shrieked 'yip-yip-yahoo!' and did a cannonball dive from the sky and destroyed the entire dock."

"Why I always gotta be some kinda natural disaster in them girls' heads?!" Applejack roared, kicking another tree hard enough to tilt it. "Alright, alright, what happened ain't so darn dramatic, listen here."



So's I yell back "Still here!" 'n' come runnin' 'round th' corner 'fer the morons took off without me.

But I musta put m' hooves down a bit hard, 'cause th' instant I put one step on th' boardwalk - y'know, where it's over th' water and not on th' land no more - th' very first dangum step I go right through like paper, fall down ta my' shoulder.

Now as I said, I'm a little bit nervous 'round water. Boy howdy I shrieked like a chicken sittin' on a cactus, I don't know what noise I made but it weren't no dang yip-yip-yahoo. Both of 'em come runnin' ta yank me back out 'n' start checkin' m' leg fer injuries. I were fine, just real shook up some, thought I was goin' in th' drink!

Now I tell you somethin', this is just about th' only time all three of us is nice to each other this whole trip. Rarity cooed over me like a mother hen, Pinkie wriggled all nervous-like, it was real sweet.

But it didn't last long, Rarity done did her "Yoohooo~" and called some poor fellers over ta carry her coffin-sized luggage aboard, 'n' Pinkie got mad fer my sake, sayin' I oughta sue! 'n' she were gonna stomp when she got ta sue, but then she stopped 'n' looked down and thought about it some, I reckon.

Now between this happenin' 'n' me rememberin' that dream I had, I'm real queasy already 'n' thinkin', boy howdy by the end of this I'm gonna be on th' bottom of th' bay. And well, you prob'ly already heard, that's just about what happened.

Spike, don't interrupt, thank ya kindly.

Did th' girls mention I was s'posed ta steer th' boat? It was a purdy expensive trip already 'n' we wanted it ta be just us, so's against m' better judgment I tole 'em ta just rent a lil' boat, I'd be able ta do it. I only been on a boat a couple times in my life, one of them cousins o' mine runs a ferry up 'n' down th' Dead Doe's Dance, y'know that river, some crud 'bout a necromancer gal, but Fab 'n' Fatty had never steered one so far's I know, so it was up ta me. And guess who's hoofin' th' bill because we sunk the stupid thing 'n' furthermore m' credit score. You got any idea how expensive a boat is?

... Aw shucks, naw, I can't ask you girls ta chip in - 'cept Pinkie 'n' Rarity - c'mon, quit it you. No! That argument's over dagnabbit! Shut yer purdy lil' mouths, I'm yarnin'!

Anyhow. I git on that boat and my stomach wants ta jump out both sides-a-me at th' same time. And sure as th' sea stinks I weren't 'bout ta tell them that so's I tried ta put on a brave face. "Hoo-wee! Smell that fresh urr!" I yelled 'n' pointed horizon-ward, but I shouldn't o' said that 'cause it made me sicker. "Great Apple Jonagold's long-hidden pirate treasure's somewhere... over th'... deep blue yonder..." 'n' if I said one more word I was 'bout to dig up my lunch from m' stomach so's I shut up 'n' laid m'self down on that there deck. Ev'ry now 'n' aginn I'd git up 'n' make sure th' boat weren't 'bout to crash inta nothin'.

And ta tell th' truth, I weren't hardly payin' attention ta nothin' what happened after that, 'cept fer three things.

Numb'r one, that Pinkie was yellin'. She would not stop got-dang yellin' fer hours felt like. Lucky us we was out in th' open air 'n' she did most of her yellin' Rarity-wards. If she'd been yellin' at me I woulda died.

Numb'r two, that stupid airhead Rarity done waved food under my nose!! What in th' hay was she thinkin'? Or was she just not thinkin'?! There's a pony clearly not feelin' well 'bout ta un-eat errythang she done ate th' past twenty-some hours 'n' you wanna go stuffin' more in there?! I ain't never met such a smart gal who was so stupid!

'n' number three that th' boat sank. How'd that happen? Heck if I know. I weren't that dang mad. But I stopped worryin' 'bout bein' sick right quick I can tell ya that!

And boy howdy I ain't never goin' on no friggin' boat ever aginn sure as I buck 'em 'n' bake 'em 'n' bring 'em ta market!



Spike and Twilight looked at one another.

"Should we ask about barfing on Rarity," Spike whispered.

Twilight pressed her lips together and rapidly shook her head.

"What're you two conspirin' over!" Applejack demanded.

"Each of you has mentioned details the others have left out and we've elected not to press you as describing the events of the trip has been very upsetting to all of you," Twilight answered evenly.

"Oh." Applejack blinked three times. "Reckon that's fair. Obliged."

Twilight nodded curtly. "Come on, Spike! We've got a mystery to solve with logic and facts!" She turned on the spot and began power-walking off.

"Uh," Spike scratched his head. "Thanks for telling us, take care, we'll see you later, and I'm personally sorry if Twilight makes this worse."

"Ain't none-a-this yer fault, Spike," Applejack sighed.

They waved to one another and Spike scampered off after Twilight.

"You threw up, dinnya?" Apple Bloom smirked.

Applejack shot her a glare but didn't deny it.