What kind of lunatic species thinks a living organism is the ideal repository of knowledge?
The same thought struck Starscream every time he came to the library. He accepted that a pre-transistor primitive civilization would have to resort to inferior methods like paper or clay tablets to record its information. But why put such inherently fragile media inside a living thing? Why, at any moment the shelves could start oozing sap, or some wood-eating parasite would get in and discover that paper was its equivalent of bread or sugar. At least put the things on metal shelves inside an artificial shelter, like sane creatures!
But then he remembered: these were organics, and ponies at that. Sanity was a uniquely robotic trait, one of many that made people like him, Starscream, superior.
The fact that he was not currently a robot, but in fact a pony just like any of the natives, didn’t factor into his thoughts. So far as he was concerned, that was a temporary aberration, and in no time at all he would have his proper body back.
But doing that required finding whatever lore these creatures had about inter-universal travel, and that meant being on good terms with the lore-keepers- or, to be more specific, librarians, like the purple unicorn who Starscream now spoke to on a first-name basis.
“Twilight?” he shouted as he let the split door shut behind him. “I’ve brought back the books I checked out!”
“That’s good!” Twilight shouted from upstairs. “Just leave them on the reshelving cart!”
Starscream’s eyebrows rose a bit. Normally Twilight Sparkle came straight down to see that books were properly checked in and out. “But I’d like to check out some new books about this Clover the Clever person,” he shouted back.
“Go ahead!” Twilight still didn’t make an appearance on the stairs. “You know where the stamp and card catalog are!” In a somewhat softer voice she added, “Spike, have you seen my binoculars?”
Starscream could just barely make out the juvenile male voice that said, “They’re around your neck.”
“Oh, right.” A sudden flurry of hoofbeats, and then Twilight Sparkle, wearing a pith helmet, rushed down the stairs and past Starscream. “Sorry about this, but science waits for no pony!” The front door slammed behind her, and two note pads which had been floating in her magic dropped to the floor behind her. A moment later the door opened again, and the notepads levitated out just before a more quiet shut.
“Hm,” Starscream muttered aloud. “What’s got into her gears?”
“Hello, Mr. Starscream.” Spike’s voice, for all its youth, carried a world-weariness that even a robot nine million years old could recognize. As the little reptile trudged down the stairs he continued, “Twilight just gets like this sometimes, whenever she encounters something she doesn’t understand and can’t explain.”
“I see,” Starscream said. He risked a little smirk as he added, “So I suppose this happens quite often.”
“Tell me about it.” Spike rolled his eyes for emphasis. “Don’t worry, she’ll probably be over it by tomorrow. Or until she figures out Pinkie Pie, whichever comes first.”
“What about Pinkie Pie?” Starscream had had a few brushes with the peculiar party-obsessed pony already, but he hadn’t noticed anything that made her any stranger than any of the other organics in this town. So far as he was concerned they were all malfunctioning.
“Apparently she can see the future,” Spike said. “She has this thing she calls ‘Pinkie Sense.’ Like, when her tail twitches, it means something’s about to fall. I’ve seen it happen three times today. Well, maybe four if you count what just happened in the lab downstairs, but-“
“See the future?” That got Starscream’s full attention. “How far in advance?”
“I dunno? A few seconds, maybe?” Spike shrugged. “All I know is, if Pinkie’s tail is twitching, take cover.”
From outside Twilight shouted, “Spike! Hurry up! We have to go find the Pinkius Piecus!”
Spike shook his head. “I gotta go,” he said. “Lock up when you’re done, okay?”
A moment later, Starscream found himself alone in the library, the potential of even a few moments’ perception of future danger swirling around in his head. All thought of researching magic or pony history or Equestrian culture had been driven out by his second oldest and dearest friend, ambition. (His very dearest friend, of course, was himself.)
Now didn’t that lizard say something about a downstairs lab?
Finding the lab wasn’t difficult.
Starscream gave the printouts a quick glance, recognizing at once a multi-channel brain scan readout in primitive form. After that, he devoted his full attention to examining the equipment Twilight Sparkle had used to produce the printouts, and the more he looked the more excited he became.
Yes! All primitive vacuum tubes and macroscopic switches and capacitors, but the underlying logic is obvious! It all works on the same basic principles as any other encephalographic scanner! And she even has entire crates of spare parts I can use!
It will be child’s play for me to reverse this device and turn it into a mnemographic neural resonator! And then I can use a simple facsimile scanner to read these printouts and convert them to engrams which the device will plant into my own superior mind!
And with Pinkie Pie’s mental processes added to my own, I will unlock the secret of future sight! And armed with that, not even Megatron can stop me!
Laughing maniacally as he contemplated his imminent victory and rule over the Decepticons, Starscream grabbed a screwdriver off a table in one wingtip and set to work…
Megatron froze in his steps the moment he rounded the corner into the narrow street that led past the door of the Ponyville guardhouse. There, on what should have been an empty alley, stood eight figures, all in various poses of exhaustion. “What is this?” he asked, stepping forward cautiously as he recognized his ponified Decepticon warriors. “What is going on here, and why are you all out here to greet me?”
The others all looked at each other, and by some unspoken vote Thundercracker got elected spokesman. “Er, Megatron,” he said, “you don’t want to go in there right now. It’s bad.”
Megatron’s eyes narrowed. “Explain,” he said.
“It’s Starscream,” Rumble said. “He’s slipped his clutch.”
“Totally flipped his bits,” agreed Skywarp.
“His mental processes,” Buzzsaw added, “are functioning most peculiarly even for him.”
“So?” Megatron asked. “There are eight of you and only one of him.”
“Yeah,” Frenzy agreed. “There’s also eight of us and one of you, and we ain’t dumb enough to think we can beat you, either.”
“Besides, we tried,” Skywarp said. “Weirdest slag I ever saw. I couldn’t ever get behind him, not even when I teleported.”
“I tried to knock him out,” Thundercracker said, waving a forehoof to indicate a tap on top of an unseen head. “And four times I was sure I had him. But when my hand… hoof… came down, his head was always somewhere else.”
Ravage yowled disconsolately, conveying his shame at being unable to so much as scratch the annoying vice-commander.
“Even you, Ravage?” Megatron asked, shocked. “Were none of you able to subdue him?”
“Laserbeak didn’t even try,” Rumble grumbled.
“Observing! Laserbeak was observing, I was!” the cassette-turned-griffon said from the corner of a rooftop across the alley.
“Oh yeah?” Rumble’s forehooves stamped the ground. “Then what did ya observe, bird-brain?”
“It was bizarre!” Laserbeak shrieked. “Most bizarre! I saw Starscream popping out of cupboards! I saw him duck backwards without looking! I saw him walking in midair with his wings folded! I saw his head twist round and round…” Laserbeak’s head tried to rotate in imitation, but the limits of flesh and blood stopped him long before he could snap his own spine.
“magic not detected,” Soundwave chipped in for the first time. “source of Starscream’s new abilities: unknown.”
“Like I said,” Thundercracker said, “it’s bad.”
“When we gave up tryin’ ta frag the twerp,” Skywarp added, “we came out here so we wouldn’t fry our own CPUs like his is.”
“Almost the only coherent thing we got out of him,” Buzzsaw said, “is that he’s planning something for you. ‘A special surprise,’ he says.”
“Yes! Yes!” Laserbeak agreed, flapping his wings. “He said-“ Here Laserbeak’s screechy, whining voice went smooth, though still a little screechy and squeaky. “’I’m going to make sure Megatron gets his just desserts! He’s had this coming for a long time!’” Then, reverting to his normal voice, the griffon finished, “That’s what he said!”
“Did he, now?” Megatron hissed. Starscream almost never attempted to overthrow him by a direct challenge… but there was always a first time for everything. And anyway, there was only one proper response for a direct challenge. “Well, we’ll see about that! Stand aside!”
Without another word the assembled Decepticons parted, soft hoofsteps clacking echoes up and down the alleyway. Megatron strode through them without a second glance, using his unicorn magic to open the door to the guardhouse.
Inside the guardhouse main room looked as it always did, except for a notable absence of guard ponies- particularly Starscream. “Starscream?” Megatron shouted. “Show yourself!”
“SURPRISE!”
Pure instinct spun Megatron around to face the source of the voice; the instincts of his still-new unicorn body fired off a blast of magic that left a smoking hole in the back wall of the guardhouse dining hall. Only after instinct ran its course did his higher mental processes register and identify the large pink-frosted cake his shot had narrowly missed, the table set with party poppers and little paper hats, and the banner hanging over the entryway to the dining hall: UNIVERSE’S BESTEST TYRANT!
“How do you like it?” a familiar voice with an unfamiliar added squeak said from just behind his right ear.
Megatron’s right hindleg swept out and around, and the rest of his body followed to allow his left forehoof to come up for what should have been a knockout uppercut. Neither one connected to their target, as Starscream jumped over one and ducked under the other with split-second timing.
“I know it’s my first attempt and everything-“
Megatron’s right forehoof jabbed straight for Starscream’s center of mass. The Seeker-turned-pegasus bent backwards far enough to win any limbo championship ever, letting the hoof pass millimeters over his snout.
“-but I got those bakers from the adorable shop on the other side of the square to help-“
Megatron lowered his horn and let off another magic blast. Starscream leaped into the air, spreading all four legs, letting the magic bolt scorch the stone floor harmlessly.
“-and it’s amazing how convenient these primitive artistic tools can be-“
Roaring with rage, Megatron charged forward, rearing up and spreading his forelegs to grapple with his target. Starscream whipsawed forwards, flowing over and above him almost like water, landing silently on his hooves directly behind the Decepticon leader.
“-and the party music, well I used to think the music the ponies had was dreadful, just absolutely primitive and, ugh! But now that I listen to it I think it’s really neat, all happy and bouncy and energetic but so easy to sing along with, you know I like a good singalong! Why don’t we have our own song? I’m sure we could make a better Decepticon song than anything those silly Autobots-“
Starscream showed no signs of shutting up, but Megatron didn’t make any further attempt to silence him. Even the most profound berserker rage can be checked when the target of one’s rage proves untouchable. Cautiously, keeping a ponylength’s distance between them, he looked over his lieutenant as the latter babbled on without any apparent awareness that he was being examined.
“-and after all the military applications of dancing have been studied by cultures all over the galaxy for as long as anyone can imagine, so-“
At first glance Starscream looked the same- pegaus, red torso, white wings with red lines on the leading edges, white legs ending in black hooves, white face with yellow eyes. But then he noticed the differences. Starscream’s mane, which he wore in an excruciatingly neat buzz cut, had gone spiky and wild. His tail, normally an unremarkable mass of dark gray hair, had become a giant poof of tangles and curls that waggled and twitched back and forth almost constantly. And the eyes, which varied between half-lidded smugness and squinting outrage, now stayed in permanent wide-open, mentally-vacant wonder.
“-and then I told Frenzy that if he couldn’t imagine a pink Soundwave then he needed a better imagination, and he said-“
Oh, yes, and there was also the non-stop, machine-gun babble, all spoken with a squeak totally unknown to Starscream’s natural state.
“-and I said, ‘Diesel? Are you crazy?’”
“Starscream.”
That pony froze in mid-babble, focusing his full attention back at him and causing him the briefest moment of genuine terror in the process. “Yes, Megatron?”
“What in the name of Primus happened to you?”
“Oh yeah!” Starscream grinned even wider. Megatron silently observed that it was the first time he’d ever been able to describe Starscream’s looks as innocent. “Well, it turns out there’s this pony in town who can sense the future, so I decided I wanted to be able to do that too, so I rebuilt this neato keen machine in Twilight Sparkle’s basement, it’s really amazing what you can do with the primitive tools ponies have, anyway then I stuck my head into it, flipped the switch, and ZAPPO!”
“Zappo,” Megatron echoed.
“No, no,” Starscream said, shaking his head. “You really gotta give it some gusto, you know, ZAPPO! Anyway, it worked great, except my tail is twitching and my eyelashes are wriggling all the time ‘cause apparently the entire universe really is out to get me but I already knew that so it’s no problem, and also there’s this voice in the back of my head that keeps screaming in absolute horror, but when that happens I just sing a little louder and drown it out, so everything’s hunky-dory!”
Megatron’s jaw wanted to drop, but he refused to let it. But not even the strongest will in the universe (obviously his own) could keep him from repeating, “Hunky… dory,” in tones of growing shock.
“So I was on my way back home to tell everypony about my new discovery,” Starscream said matter-of-factly, “and then it hit me!”
“What did?” Megatron asked.
“The flower pot,” Starscream said. “I knew it was coming, but if I stepped to the right the cast-iron bathtub would have got me, so what else could I do? But after I got the bits of pottery and dirt out of my fur, I had the thought: you know what Megatron has never had?”
“A loyal lieutenant?” The remark came out completely by reflex. Some things even shock couldn’t stop.
“A party!” Starscream said. “I mean, you founded the whole Decepticon faction, you liberated and then conquered Cybertron and dozens of worlds before the Autobots rebelled, and in nine million years I don’t think anybody ever told you what a great guy you are!” A moment’s doubt and hesitation silenced Starscream, just long enough for scientists with highly sensitive equipment to register the pause. “Well, not counting when people wanted something from you or thought they were tricking you, I mean I guess that feels nice too at the time or else it wouldn’t work, but it’s not the same thing as when somebody really appreciates you, is it? And don’t we all want to be appreciated? I know I do!”
The analytical part of Megatron’s mind rallied around the word party. “Just which pony did you say could sense the future?” he asked, already pretty sure what the answer would be.
“Did I say?” Starscream asked. “I don’t remember saying. But I’ll say now! It was Pinkie Pie! You know, that baker that is friends with Twilight Sparkle? And really shouldn’t everyone be friends with Twilight Sparkle? She’s so brave and strong and intelligent, just like-“
“And so I’m guessing you found a way to transplant her mental engrams into your own brain,” Megatron interrupted. “Which you did, because you’re an idiot.”
“WOW!” Starscream said. “That screaming voice in the back of my head just got really loud! I hope you don’t mind if I sing?” What followed next would have been an aural abomination even in Starscream’s normal voice. “My name is Starscream and, if you just wait a while, I’m gonna conquer your land, with a cupcake and a smile…”
“So now you can’t be touched by any attack,” Megatron pressed on, shouting over Starscram’s horrible singing. “Right?”
Starscream, thank the Primes, stopped singing. “That’s right!” He frowned, then added, “Well, if somebody threw a big enough rock at me I might not be able to dodge it. But I’m pretty fast, so it would have to be a really big rock!”
“But you didn’t use that to attack me.”
“Well, of COURSE not!” Starscream squeaked, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world and not utterly counter to his innermost nature. “Because you’re the strongest and smartest and bestest Decepticon commander we could possibly have! I mean, I’d love to be commander myself someday, but everybody knows there’s no way I could ever be better than you!”
Megatron wished, oh how he wished, that he had some recording device that could have grabbed the previous fifteen seconds and preserved the audio for all eternity.
“And because you’re the bestest, I decided you needed a party so we could show you how much we all appreciate you!” Starscream said. “Because we have our little arguments now and then, but we’re really behind you one hundred percent all the way and wow, that voice really is shrieking now, and you wouldn’t believe the words he’s using!”
And just like that, Megatron understood. Moreover, he knew exactly what to say next. “But if you support me one hundred percent,” he said in a soft, smug purr, “then you’ll never be leader of the Decepticons.”
Starscream froze. A spark arced from his spiky mane back to his fluffy tail. “What?” he asked, no longer squeaky or bubbly.
“After all,” Megatron said, “I will rule Cybertron until someone overthrows me. And if nobody overthrows me because they’re behind me one hundred percent…”
Starscream’s face began twitching violently. More sparks began jumping from one bit of hair to another. His muzzle kept switching from cheerful smile to horrified grimace, sometimes mixing the two together.
“… then I will rule forever, and you’ll never be able to take my place.”
“Nnnn… nnnnn… nnnn… NNNNNYEEEAAGGGH!” Starscream shrieked, his body bowing back in a painful spasm as lighting arced up and down his entire body. Then, for no apparent reason, a thick pink cloud erupted from his back with an audible poof, and the ex-Seeker collapsed to the floor, mane and tail normal, completely unconscious.
“I thought that would do it,” Megatron said, stepping over Starscream’s limp body to call the others in.
The cake turned out to be very good. And, to his own surprise, Megatron found himself rewinding the gramophone and playing records long into the night.
Not that he’d dream of lowering himself to singing along. That would look weak.
But the songs were just so catchy…
Breakfast the next morning was cold cereal or Kitty Kibble for everyone. Starscream, who usually did the cooking, didn’t awaken almost until Megatron was due to go on his first patrol of the day. When he did come down he looked like he still needed a week in repair bay and two or three complete lubricant changes, or whatever ponies did that was the equivalent.
Megatron, who’d awakened in an unusually good mood, asked, “Feeling better, Starscream?”
“No.” It was his normal voice, slow and soft, with extra pain and mortification added. “I can’t believe I put myself through such a nightmare. Never again.”
“Excellent news.” Without warning Megatron let off a blast of magic that hit Starscream square on and sent him flying the full length of the guard house to slam against the far wall.
It took several seconds, but a moan of pain finally erupted from the red and white furry lump on the floor.
“Just testing,” Megatron said to no one in particular before putting his helmet on and going out on patrol.