"And so then I turned to myself and said, 'Discord, why not have the telegrams dance a jig and perform chamber orchestra in mezzo-soprano? Fluttershy deserves the best for her birthday!'"
"Sudo!"
"That's what I said! 'Why didn't I think of that?' I'm always coming up with grandiose ideas, but do I ever give myself credit for them? No sir."
Strolling along the ethereal stitching of reality, Discord stepped through the mouth of yet another tear in the fabric. He regarded the landscape of rolling fields and lush forests awaiting him with a weary eye.
This routine was growing dull. He was already getting diminishing returns on that fuzzy feeling in his chest from helping less capable lifeforms.
"Woodo!"
Discord raised a brow. His talkative companion, some vaguely tree-shaped rock spirit, excitedly darted off towards the forest.
"Well, at least you're excited to be here."
His eagle claw snapped, and with a twist, Discord adjusted a feather curling from his jester hat. His smoke pipe spun masterfully between his fingers, and he wore an enthusiastic smile for his followers—a line of strange and varied creatures stretching far and back into the bowels of his swirling portal. Ears flexed curiously all throughout the line.
"Come now, everycreature," he said merrily, skipping on air to guide his pack into the sunny afternoon. "Back home with all of you, lest Tia tan my scaley hide."
Pair by pair, creatures exited the portal, emptying out into an otherwise vacant meadow. Lazily lying down in the air, Discord floated above them, tapping his cheek with his claw as he watched them. Every so often, a straggler would become discombobulated, lost amidst the steady pace of moving legs. But their struggle was always short-lived. Once enough legs had been bumped into, larger critters took notice of them. The small fries would be whisked from the depths by paws, curled wings, or bizarre vine appendages and pulled into the sun. The lucky ones were even offered rides.
Discord chuckled. Long ago, he'd have paid such trivial things no mind. Now, they reminded him of Fluttershy's endearing face, and how she'd treat such things as the peak of her day.
But his smile became a frown. The intricacies of dimensional integrity just had to throw a hissy fit, hadn't they? And after he'd stumbled upon the perfect gift for Fluttershy. They were entirely too entitled. It wasn't their birthday to ruin.
"Perhaps danger-proofing exotic critters is the way to go," the draconequus mused to himself, laying his head in his paw. "A manticore the size of a kitten? Small things do seem to equate to cuteness for her. Maybe give it those big, ugly eyes."
The final critter stepped down from the rip in space, and Discord, satisfied, brushed his claw and paw together.
"Welcome home again, everyone," he said jovially, floating upright until he found his footing on thin air. He straightened a trim blue shirt and tie. "You are now free to move about the continent, etcetera, etcetera. And remember what Uncle Discord told you: plausible deniability. If anyone asks where you've been, tell them you haven't the foggiest idea. A good friend of mine always says honesty is the best policy."
Discord slapped the knee of his lizard foot, now outfitted with a mid-western getup, and a sea of eyes blinked. Discord sighed.
“Nevermind—off with you, shoo, shoo,” he ushered, hovering down and waving the back of his paw at them. When they finally began to scatter, dispersing into the vast, open world before them, Discord landed upon the grass and crossed his arms.
“Third batch down,” he said, his tone saturated with tedium. He slumped over, little more than an inexplicably handsome noodle. He puckered his lip and raised his pitch to the very pinnacle of mockery. “But will I get a thank you from anypony but Fluttershy upon finishing all this? ‘It was your fault, Discord, how dare you try to do something nice for your friend. You should have known the space-time continuum would become temperamental. You should have—”
Who are you?
The blatant immaturity arrested when Discord stood up straight. With mismatched eyes, he glanced around the meadow, searching for a body to place to the voice. Not a single creature one of his creatures had lingered nearby—in fact, the only form he could still see was that of the large flower toad, grazing hundreds of yards away.
The flicker of seriousness in his face quickly faded. Discord smirked.
“Could it be?” he asked aloud, flaring his eyebrows dramatically. He placed his paw and claw against his waist. “Intelligent life that doesn’t know about me? Why I thought I’d burnt out any holdouts long ago. Dimension hopping has a reputation for emboldening your reputation.”
There was no response. Regardless, Discord’s ego would not be deterred.
“I am the Spirit of Chaos, formerly the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, Discord,” the draconequus embellished, snapping his claw. A grand white pedestal sprouted beneath him like the beanstalk of fables, raising him to touch the clouds. At the base of the pillar, a golden plaque read ‘Discord C.(haos) Draconequus’. A second version of himself, timid and wearing a grungy janitorial uniform, wiped down the plaque with a rag covered in potting soil.
“Denison of Dimensions, Sultan of Spontaneity, and Gift-Giver Extraordinaire!”
Thousands of confetti flakes lit to unseen spotlights, falling like red and gold snow throughout the entire meadow. A symphony orchestra with a hundred different Discords blared a tumultuous tune while in physical disarray, flopping over each other's instruments as they played.
"A fair and noble creature, visiting your cozy reality to return some lost critters.”
Discord snapped his paw. The entirety of the meadow’s chaos contorted into ribbons of matter, swirling together before vanishing into the portal behind him. As the meadow fell to silence once more, he cleared his throat and gave a bow, tipping his newly-acquired top hat.
“No need to thank me, by the way.”
He held the bow, waiting for applause that didn't come.
Where has it gone?
Discord stood up again, his attire blinking from existence. The voice did not appear to come from any one direction.
“Where has what gone?” he asked, crossing his arms. “The coaster? This morning’s mail? My efforts deserving the benefit of the doubt once in a while? The answer to all of the above, my dear voice, is ‘I wish I knew.’”
More silence. Discord pawed his face. There it was again, that unbearable tedium. He could have found and relocated his next batch of space-time anomaly displacement victims by now, but where was he? Talking to disembodied voices, instead.
“I was not prepared to have a mental breakdown just yet, today,” Discord muttered, promptly turning on the heel of his claw and kicking off into the air. He crossed his arms and floated petulantly towards the space rift. A scroll pinged into existence by his miniature eye as he did so, and with a chortle, he pressed a claw tip into it.
“Yes, see, there it is, already scheduled for this evening—‘mental breakdown coaching with Twilight’. Even in chaos schedules have their merits. Why in Equestria am I starting this so early?”
Discord phased through the portal, and with its weaver out of bounds, the space-time rip closed with a flash. A gentle flurry of leaves danced on the wind as if nothing had ever happened, but a bright pair of eyes through the far trees knew better.
...it must be found, or balance will be unattainable forevermore.