It’s been... like, a week or two, I think. I had sent a portion of my army to deal with the yaks, and they accidentally conquered them by causing avalanches, which may or may not have destroyed their towns and settlements as well of bits of their economy. I mean, is it really a war crime if it’s on accident? Nonetheless, I had other problems. We ran into Kirins, which were a lot nicer than I thought they were. They were kind of clueless as to who I was, but knew that I might be somewhat popular. Despite being mute, they sure love music! I offered about ten stereos for their undying loyalty to my cause, to which they agreed. However, now I have to deal with the dragons. I had thought of causing a snowstorm with Project Noot-Noot, but not every dragon would be knocked out or killed off. So, instead, I tried a different approach. In the alien movie, I never really specified how I took over the Dragons’ lands, so I’m free balling this.
I’ve thought of creating an artificial revolution, that I will lead and ultimately betray, but I realized that the dragons don’t necessarily have a stable government in the sense that I’m thinking of. In fact, choosing a new leader would be a death sentence for me since my magic would mean Jack shit to them. Money can’t bribe them to revolt or create chaos because Ember’s spear controls them, thus forcing them to stop if need be. I also can’t just brute force my way since my tanks are simply free target practice to air born attackers.
I groan as I look at my battle plans/chicken scratch in a planning room in a discrete location. I can’t really attack them physically or mentally. I can’t do any off hand ridiculous bullshit since it’d be too expensive or costly. A poke to my side brings me back to reality, and I look over to see Frank. “Boss?” He asks. I sigh.
“I’m fine, nitwit. Get back into position. I need to think,” I say. What the hell can I do? It feels like nothing I have could really deter or hurt them. Hell, a nuke wouldn’t really scare them so much as rush them to finish me off before we can even launch. I sigh before a dog guard walks in.
“Sir, we have an intruder,” he says. Tossed into the room, is a familiar purple dragon, who struggles in his handcuffs.
“Let me go! You guys can’t fight me when you’re not supposed to!” He yells. I turn and look at him before an idea pops into my head.
“Spike!” I greet with open arms. “It is so good to see you!” He glares up at me. “How convenient of you to drop by!”
“Let me go,” he insists. “I heard your bet, you can’t attack any Equestrian until you’ve attacked everyone else.” I look at him with a wide smile.
“Tell me, how did you get aboard?” I ask.
“He snuck in sir. Possibly as a spy from Twilight,” a dog replies. Spike shoots the guard a dirty look as I laugh.
“Oh, what’s the difference- you’re here now!” I say. “And you, my dear friend, have just given me the best leverage ever!” Spike stops and looks at me with a confused look.
“B-but, I’m Equestrian, you still need to-“
“Ah ah!” I interrupt. “You came here, of your own free will, possibly to sabotage me.” I smile. “So, you’re in violation of my contract with Celestia, which means, I have grounds to nuke Equestria.” Spike looks at me with anger.
“You wouldn’t,” he says. I laugh.
“Spike, Spike, Spike, you are absolutely, stupendously, ridiculously even, correct,” I say, to the confusion of everyone.
“Wait, what?” Spike asks.
“No, you’re right, why would I need to nuke Equestria?” I ask. I lean in close with a smile. “I can simply throw you off the side of the ship and be done with it.” Spike looks at me in confusion.
“Ship? No, we’re on solid ground,” he says. I laugh.
“So that’s how long you’ve been here, huh?” I say. “No no, we’re not on the ground. Nor are we at the sea. No, we’re simply tens of thousands of feet in the air, drifting along my planet.” Spike looks at me incredulously.
“What!? This is an airship!?” He asks. I nod.
“But don’t worry, I won’t throw you off just yet,” I say. I take out a pen and paper, and start writing a little note. “I first want to use the pawn I have been given...”
Twilight looks at the letter Spike sent with Celestia beside her. Her face is disbelief and fear. “Go to war with the dragons, or Spike gets strapped to the nuke I’ll send,” Celestia reads. She looks at Twilight with panic. After a moment of silent terror, Celestia makes a sensible comment. “Well buck...”
It has been a couple of weeks, and I’ve had the best entertainment. Dragons have impacted on Equestrian and the Crystal Empire’s economy and resources, to which vice versa has also occurred. There were a couple fights, a couple rescue attempts, a couple negotiations, but finally, the dragons surrendered when Ember, the queen/ruler of the Dragon lands, learned that Spike was in danger. She offered the country, as well as some riches. I had no clue Spike and Ember were close, but oh well. This has allowed me to increase my army and it’s abilities without the usual cost of waging a quick war. I’ve gotten a few more tanks, I developed one more airship, which I kept secret, and I even had some left over money and profits to afford a massage chair. If this isn’t dominating the world, I don’t know what is.
The dragons started rebelling, but because I kept Spike hostage, Ember was forced to use her staff to make the other dragons keep themselves under my technical rule. All that’s left, is the Crystal Empire. However, that was ridiculously easy to conquer, as I managed to shatter their defenses with a small number of tanks. At the sight of my marching, stone cold killing machines, the Crystal Empire surrendered, but not without Cadance and Flurry Heart escaping. Shining Armor on the other hand, I locked him up with Novo and Spike. I then gave them a deck of Uno cards and told them they are forced to play. The occasional scream of insanity has been reported, but nothing makes me happier knowing that.
So now, it’s the final day. I managed to take down the Dragons on the seventh fifth day, and the Empire on the eightieth. Now, it’s the one hundredth day. I gave them time to prepare, and I started my march. Within hours, the ponies’ defenses shattered. Celestia and Luna joined the battle. Funnily enough, they actually pushed back my forces a bit for half an hour.
I look on from my new airship, which has a special package on it, sitting just below the hot air balloon of the airship, and just above the long deck. A package I have dubbed “Magnum Prometheus”, or Mag-Pro for short. I’ve activated its charging mechanism, and it’s currently ninety percent charged. Bones looks out to the battlefield of Canterlot, where the tanks have been forced to go through constrained street corners and urban landscapes. Where the Diamond dog foot soldiers are cautiously sweeping buildings and alleys. Where, near the castle, two princesses fight with their elites, protecting Equestria’s capital from my grasp. I smile, watching with him.
“Tell everyone to clear the deck,” I say. He looks at me in confusion before a flash of light goes off a little ways behind me. I turn around, as all the dogs scamper to the lower decks. In the middle, is Celestia. “Rather early, aren’t you?” I ask.
“Anon, we’re going to fight,” she says. “If you beat me here, you win. You don’t need to fire the laser.” I laugh, crossing my arms.
“Oh? But this would violate our bet,” I say. “Are you willing to agree to this new one?” She gulps and looks up at the weapon hanging above her. It’s large, long enough to cover the deck. Two rods protrude the front of it, which pulses from the energy coursing through. It almost looks like a sci-fi cannon. It hums softly, though it vibrates the very air around us. Celestia looks back to me.
“Yes. If we battle here, and you win, the previous bet will still be fulfilled. If I win, you stop this. Either way, I know your weapon is extremely destructive, and I don’t want to waste any more lives. So yes, I accept,” she says. Suddenly, her body becomes covered in golden armor, and a grand golden executioner’s axe forms next to her. I snicker and spread my arms out.
“Look at this! I’m on the doorstep of world domination, isn’t it exciting!?” I yell. She grimaces.
“Anon, please-“
“It’s funny, I came here, excited for all of this to come to fruition,” I say, turning around. “I came here, ready to grasp something the other pathetic villains of this world had so desperately wanted to-“ I turn around and shoot lightning at Celestia. Time seems to slow down as I smile wickedly, my energy going through the air to Celestia, who stares on. To my horror, however, the lightning bounces off. I drop my smile as Celestia rushes in, and slams me with the side of her axe. Suddenly, I’m flying in the air, off the side of the ship. My chest hurts, and the world seems upside down. For a second, I freeze up, genuinely shocked by her counter. I grimace, before smiling. I focus a lot of my energy and convert it into force. This is much more tedious than electricity, since I’m apparently more attuned to the latter. However, it’s still possible for me. I expel my energy, and start flying forward. If you think I’m not gonna take the time to do a flip, y’all really on some shit.
I flip back onto the deck, and land on my feet, which actually hurt a lot more than I thought it would. However, I didn’t stop there. I keep my arms out and electricity start crackling through the air around me. Celestia rushes in from seemingly nowhere, slamming down her axe. I jump back in time for her to embed the weapon into the floor. I shoot electricity towards her, which conducted easily due to her armor. Although she lets out a grunt, my electricity seems to still be less effective. “Heh, it really is funny,” I comment. “I really was going to stop after this, but now?” I stop to laugh a bit more. Celestia grits her teeth and ditches the axe, instead using her horn to cast magic. Bolts of light shoot towards me, but I raise up my shield spell, which seem a bit weaker for some reason. “I’m wondering what else I could do,” I say, before even more electricity shoots out of me and toward Celestia.
“Anon-!” She cries, before casting magic to defend herself. A shield comes up, but it wasn’t completely effective, as some electric current curved around the shield and zap her anyway. “What are you planning!?” She yells. I snicker as I feel more electricity coursing through me.
“Eh, don’t worry. I wouldn’t go through with them. I’d get bored eventually. But have you ever wondered why I always win?” I ask. My senses sharpen, and I channel some energy into the sky. Dark clouds start surrounding us, electricity crackling and zapping through the air. This allows me greater electro manipulation. I smile widely. “The short answer: I’m always in control.” With that, several bolts of lightning curve around the giant weapon above us, striking Celestia from all sides. She screams in pain, before wobbling. I smile as she starts to fall. However, she struggles, and starts standing back up. I frown.
“I... I refuse-“ She grimaces in pain, panting as she speaks. “I refuse... to be beaten... by you...” she grunts, and her horn starts charging up a spell. “If I can’t beat you here, then who knows who else would follow your footsteps. I can’t- I can’t let you take over the world. Others would see it’s possible-“ I smile and calmly start walking to her, crossing my arms. Her eyes widen and she shoots off a half-assed spell. I block it easily with a shield, and snicker. “Anon- please- just this once-“ I shake my head.
“Nope. Can’t do that. You’re gonna have to aptly harder,” I say. Celestia growls to herself and a noise from behind catches my attention. I sidestep just in time for the broad side of the golden axe to swing and miss me, hitting Celestia instead. She falters, but amazingly enough, keeps standing on one leg and one knee. “I admit, you’re much more formidable than the last two times.” Celestia, now bruised and tired, starts standing up again. “Don’t hurt yourself anymore, alright? Concede.” Celestia grunts, and shakes her head. I sigh. “Fine. Then taste defeat.” With that, I send a strike of lightning to her. The crack of thunder was loud, but Celestia made no noise. Moments pass as I look at Celestia’s face, seemingly paralyzed in shock, before she slowly falls to her side. I smile, and turn around. Victory, was mi-
Suddenly, I’m knocked forward onto the floor, and I hear a faint beep from my coat. I’m forcefully turned over, and Celestia stomps her hooves on either side of me, aiming her axe at my neck. “Anonymous the human,” she starts. “Concede.” I look up at her with surprise before snickering.
“Wow. You tricked me,” I say. “A dirty one too, pretending you lost.” Celestia gives me a glare, but smiles.
“I’ve won then?” She asks. I sigh.
“Not really,” I say. I grab onto her hooves and send electric shocks into her, causing her to start shaking. However, she still has enough control to charge her horn and ditch the axe again. I know she won’t kill me. However, if she’s going to win, she’s gonna have to knock me out. I try to force out more energy, amping up the electro therapy I’m giving her. However, she stands strong against it, gritting her teeth as she keeps charging her horn. My power and capacity, versus her will and determination.
“BOSS!!! BOSS!!!” Bones yells, breaking us up.
“What!?” Celestia and I yell impatiently, stopping our attacks. Bones, who has rushed onto the deck, looks panicked and terrified as he stumbles to run up to us.
“The Mag-Pro! It’s about to fire!” Bones yells. Suddenly, I realized what the beep from my coat was. I look up to look at Canterlot, which still has both ponies and Diamond dogs around, fighting.
“Oh shit,” I say.
“W-what? Why is the cannon firing?!” Celestia asks, getting off of me and looking up.
“It must’ve accidentally activated when you shoved me down,” I say, getting up. “Shit- we can’t stop it now. If we destroy it, the energy will explode all at once, and it’s be like a mini nuke.” Celestia looks at me in terror.
“Can’t we force the gun to aim somewhere else!?” She yells.
“We can’t- not without essentially nuking some other town. Equestria’s small enough that the blast range would still hit populated areas,” I explain. “We can’t deactivate it either since we’d still have the first problem of self exploding.”
“W-what do we do!?” Bones yells. Celestia looks up at the cannon as I freak out. I completely forgot I had a remote on me. I could’ve sworn I gave it to-... Frank.... fuck. I don’t know how, but I’m sure it’s somehow his fault.
“... We could try to absorb the energy’s output,” Celestia says. I look at her, ready to scoff, but stop. No, it makes sense. We can’t stop it, it’s just energy. It can’t be stopped, it had to keep moving somewhere.
“Great, so we need an energy sponge to contain a shit ton of energy. Damn, I wish I had some lying around,” I deadpan.
“Anon, my armor has been enchanted to absorb energy,” she says. “It might be able to contain the gun’s blast.”
“Uh, sure, as well as fry you to a crisp,” I counter.
“Do we really have any other option?” Celestia asks. I look down in thought. Well, we really don’t... except... wait, if I remember correctly, the energy from the cannon should be mostly electrical energy. Albeit, it’s mostly solar powered, it’s still converted into electrical energy.
“I could, potentially,” I say. Celestia shakes her head.
“Anon, it’s too risky for you. I’m much more resilient than you are,” she says. She’s not wrong, I could very well turn into a human-sized bacon bag. However, since I’m normally coursing through electricity, I should be able to handle it.
“Uh, in that case, allow me to give you this compelling argument,” I say. I reach over, grab her neck, and send as much electricity as I could into her. She freezes up before stumbling down. The armor may be good at absorbing, but I bet it’s only good for direct contact with itself and not the wearer.
“W-why-“ Celestia struggles to keep her head up as Bones is look at me in shock. “Anon-“
“This cannon didn’t have to work, it just had to be here. This was supposed to be a fake out, but I requested it to be operational since we had excessive funds,” I say, calmly. “I literally did all this because I was bored. Now it’s about to bite us all in the ass. I never agreed to senseless destruction.” I look at Bones. “Bones, start reversing the ship and tell everyone to evacuate. I’ll handle the gun.” I start walking away, but Bones grabs my coat,
“B-but my lord! No! There- there has to be-“ I kick him off, and send a glare.
“Don’t make me repeat myself. I’m doing this. I’ll be fine. Get everyone off the ship,” I bark. Bones sniffles. “Go! Go on!” I yell. He salutes and starts dragging Celestia, who’s still clinging on to consciousness. As they disappear from my view, I look up at the gun. “Alright, let’s go work on not killing my henchman,” I mutter. With a force push, I jump up and grab onto a bar. I wrap my arms and legs around it, and look up to see electricity running throughout the gun’s inside. It’s almost like looking into a shark’s mouth. “Why didn’t I let Sunbutt do this shit?” I mutter, steadily getting onto my feet. Balancing isn’t too much of an issue, but the high altitude winds are. Walking on my hands and knees, clinging to the pole, I crawl towards the opening of the cannon. “Why the fuck couldn’t I fly,” I complain, reaching out to grab the edge of the opening. I can tell there’s very little time left, so I need to hurry. I use what little energy I have left to force push myself into the cannon. Now, let’s hope for the best. Due to my grip, the push makes me flip over and land on my back with a thud.
“Ow,” I whine, getting up. Looking out, I can see the city of Canterlot, unaware of the danger it’s under. “Right, just gotta absorb electricity,” I say to myself, as my fear starts growing. I turn around and my eyes widen at the increase of electricity jumping around. The gun’s finished charging, and it’s about to expel the energy. “This shit better work,” I say, throwing my arms out. “COME ON THEN!!!” I yell. Suddenly, it all goes quiet, and the electricity jumps into a cylindrical object attached to a wall. For a second, all was quiet. I briefly reflected on everything that’s happened throughout my time in Equestria. I... I’m afraid. Heh. I’m about to die, aren’t I?
The cylinder releases its energy into a beam, which hits my chest. If it went between the poles, it’d disperse the beam to have a more imposing figure. However, this way, I can safely say I’m absorbing it. On the flip side, this really fucking hurts. I scream, stumbling back a bit as I allow myself to conduct electricity. It seems that although the beam is really just a mix of magic and electricity, the magic will still hurt me while I absorb the electricity. Tears well up as I grit my teeth, while still screaming as my chest burns. Just a little more- holy shit this fucking hurts! The electricity coursing through me is starting to get too much for me to handle. Shit, shit, shit! I look back at the poles and think of something. I slowly point back my fists, and electricity jumps from me to the poles. The energy latches onto them and starts helping me from overloading with energy. Fucking- great- this shit still fucking hurts. Suddenly, the poles retract into the gun. Fuck- initial charge mode has to have the poles discharged of any excess energy. So now, I have to bear the rest of it alone. On the plus side, the beam stopped firing a moment ago, so now I just have to deal with the electricity. However, I struggle to stand as the energy courses through me.
“Ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuck-“ I exhale, stumbling back. My body feels like it’s heating up way too fucking much. Suddenly, I feel like I’m falling and I realize I had tripped out of the gun’s mouth. Shit. My body collides with the wooden floor, causing me to yell in pain. I roll onto my back, and electricity slowly starts leaving me. As long as I release the energy slowly, it won’t be too dangerous. So now, I just have to sit and wait. The air around me crackles, and I breathe heavily. Everything fucking hurts. I look at the sky, noticing how clear it is as I rasp. I look down at my chest to see my coat and shirt were singed, and a black circular mark rests on my chest. My fingers all look black from the excess energy racing through them. I have no doubt my toes are suffering the same fate. I lay back and breathe out, spazzing as the last of the excess energy leaves. I look around to see that the airship is still moving backwards, and no mountains are in sight.
“Good, he listened,” I mutter. I listen to the wind howling, and the mechanical creaks and whirs of the airship.... and suddenly, I hear footsteps. I strain to lift my head and see Bones walking over to me, scared. However, when I moved, he smiles and rushes over.
“Sir! Are you okay!?” He yells. I cough, which hurts.
“Probably not,” I say. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Celestia pop into view, before rushing over.
“Anon- Anon! Are you-“
“Don’t ask if I’m-“ I stop to cough, answer her question. “Fuck, I feel tired,” I rasp, before closing my eyes. I have no clue what Bones or Celestia is saying right now, but I don’t care. Slowly, I drift to sleep...
A couple weeks later
After my little mishap with the cannon, Celestia had decided to surrender, due to the show of valor I made. Everyone, including me, complained and said that it shouldn’t count. However, Celestia as firm, and said she lost. I have taken over the entire world. Many were terrified of what I’d do. Would I force them into slavery? Would I subjugate them into a heartless society? Would I declare pineapple pizza a world wide pride of food? No. I’m not that evil. I sent all my captives back to their respective homes. I released every country from my rule. I even replaced their defenses. However, I had one condition for every single one of them.
“Tax Laws must rhyme, for the rest of time.”
To say that seeing everyone lose their shit was the funniest shit I’ll ever see, is an understatement. I did got give anyone an exception. However, there was one thing I had to do, which I had agreed on from the initial bet. I tried to get out of it as best as possible. I mean, come on, I am an evil genius who has done some pretty terrible shit. So what I had to do seemed utterly ridiculous to me.
Outside my castle, I sigh as I look at my classy outfit for the evening. Well, I say outfit, but is a pair of khakis and a flamingo shirt really an outfit? Trick question, of course it is. “Sir, you look so iffy for your date tonight!” Bones says excitedly, lint rolling my clothes.
“It’s not official,” I grumble. “It’s just because I won a stupid bet. It doesn’t mean anything.” Bones laughs.
“I don’t know my lord, you took up that bet pretty quickly for it to ‘not mean anything’.”
“Well, that’s because I was concerned for my image, nothing more,” I say, crossing my arms.
“I see, of course,” Bones says. “Tell Celestia I said hi while you two are out.” I roll my eyes.
“Yeah yeah, bye,” I say, stepping away from him and walking away. Bones waves bye and walks back into the castle. I grumble to myself, upset I couldn’t wear my coat to this thing that Celestia wants to do. It’s not like anyone would see us, we’re just hanging out in a private movie theater in Canterlot. Suddenly, a flash of light blinds me, making me stumble back. “Sonovabitch!” I yell.
“Sorry,” Celestia says. I look around before realizing I’m sitting in a row of seat in front of a huge screen. To my right, sits Celestia, but without any tiara or horseshoes.
“It’s- it’s fine, let’s just- get this over with,” I grumble. Celestia smiles, unperturbed by my attitude.
“Aw, what’s the rush?” She teases. “Got other world domination plans?” I sigh, cracking a smile before frowning again. “I saw that smile, tsundere,” Celestia remarks. I blush and furrow my brow at her.
“... Says the chick with a bad boy complex,” I counter. She blanches before whipping her head at me,
“What- what bad boy complex!?” She says.
“Oh, you know,” I say. “There was Discord, there was that comic book villain you love so much, and if Luna’s diary is anything to go by, then Sombra counts-“
“I am not into bad boys,” Celestia says as the lights dim.
“Then, let’s not forget you made a bet where I’d go on a date with you,” I bring up. Celestia huffs, blushing as she takes out a bag of popcorn.
“Well, I didn’t think you’d be a villain again,” she mutters before sipping on soda. I snicker.
“Uh Huh, just admit it, you like it when a guy drives you up the wall-“ I’m interrupted by a peck on my cheek, making me freeze in place before sinking in my seat.
“That was a cheap shot. Just proves my point,” I grumble, flustered.
“Uh huh, whatever you say-“ Celestia stops and smiles smugly. “~Tsundere~”
With that, we watch the movie in silence, as my final villainous adventure comes to a close... Unless they invent space travel, because I call dibs on the closest planet.