//------------------------------// // Chapter 19: Desolation of the psyche // Story: What you Need // by Hemlock conium //------------------------------// My head was still aching from what little sleep I actually managed to get; as a result of my sleep deprived state, my eyes felt like a couple cinder blocks were dangling from them, as someone pounded on the back of my head like a drum. While I typically didn't fare all that well in the mornings I could manage, however going to sleep at four am, only to get up a couple hours later, had made this normal feat substantially harder. Which made having to read through this short stack of papers Virulent Lesson had given me, all the more painful. My groggy mind struggled to comprehend the words on paper and, at times, it seemed like a foreign language. Well a foreign language, that wasn't just English in a trench coat, under the alias name: “Ponish.”  “Nine am breakfast,” I began to mutter to myself as I looked over the itinerary, ”twelve pm lunch followed by outside rec. Two pm arts and crafts. Four pm book club. Six pm dinner, followed by my meeting with Virulent lesson. Then back to the dorms around ten.” While there was a bit more to it than that on the first two pages, it was little more than a brief description of what to expect. After double checking the schedule to try and commit it to memory, I flipped it to its next page; looked for who would be my assigned parole officer for this sentence. Only to find out it wasn’t one creature, but several, at least one for each activity as matter of fact. Carapace for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The twins for rec. Starling for arts, Then finally Teratorn for book club… I let out a long, and agitated, groan at the choices. Of course, THEY, were the ones he'd choose.  At this point I started questioning who really the insane one. The person claiming to be from a different world, or the head stallion, making me do the same thing I had been doing. If not for the threat of having to see Mirage again, I’d probably have told Virulent how stupid this was. But, as it stood, I’d just have to play along.  As the realization slowly sank in I let out a series of swears before stopping, halfway through a particularly colorful adjective for Virulent lesson, as I saw a mortified expression on the familiar seafoam green changeling’s face over my choice of words. “I- Moring?” She began looking bewildered on how to proceed after my little tirade. “Morning.” I curtly echoed.   “Are you, um, ready then?”  “Yeah. What is today's breakfast anyway?”  While carapace seemed pleased to get an answer out of me, my question left her baffled.  “The same it always is?  A set of fresh fruits with a bit of hay blended with daisies and water. For ponies at least.” She answered as her eyes cautiously shifted over me, as if to ask if I’d fallen on my head and needed treatment. My cheeks became hot as I quickly sheepishly looked away for my ignorance. Was it always the same? Maybe I’m just tired. But it wasn’t always that. Was it? Maybe I'm mixing up hospital food.  After several long moments of awkward silence Carapace started making her way down the hallway before tilting her head to the side in a moment of thought. Her eyes fell on the series of windows lining the wall before she cautiously shifted her attention back to me, “So how’d you sleep?” As she asked the question her expression tweaking a small bit going from nervous to anxious, as if she were approaching a dangerous animal. “Fine.” “If I may say, you don’t look like you slept fine.” Carapace replied as she fell still; waiting for me to follow.  “Well, I did.” I answered as I pulled up behind her.   Carapace knew that was a lie. Though truthfully she didn't care, well at least about the sleep part. What she really wanted to ask was if she was okay in general, but Virulent Lesson made it clear that none of them were to prod Phoenix about her well being or in general for that matter. While he did make an expedition to that rule under the condition Phoenix herself started such a conversation, the rule was eating her alive nonetheless. She wanted to know why she got upset yesterday and what was wrong, but instead she was forced to stay silent to Phoenix's plight. Which while in practice was not terribly different from Phoenix’s normal aversion to such questions, it still left Carapace feeling awful. The only solace Carapace could find in this was that Phoenix seemed better compared to last night, or was at least hiding her emotions better. Though that wasn't to say she was doing great today. Only that instead of anxiety and misery sprinkled with an unhealthy amount of apathy, Phoenix was now a bland mixture of sleep deprived exhaustion and mild irritation with only a dash of general lethargy this time.  “Oh, okay…” Carapace conceded as she awkwardly brought her attention back to the hallway in front of them. Her mind was struggling on where to go with the conversation from here. Normally she might have been able to come up with something, but her mind at the moment kept drifting back to that certain question she wasn't allowed to ask. Fortunately a blur of red came to rescue her from this awful silence.  “There you two are!” Zeal called, “I was starting to think you got lost.”  “No, it just took Phoenix a while to get up from her sleep.”  “Well you two should hurry, breakfast ends in a bit. That is unless you want to botch Nix’s new schedule already.” He joked as he fluttered back; motioning the duo to follow.  After taking a moment to make sure Phoenix was following along Carapace began walking again. When the two arrived the cafeteria had largely cleared out aside from a few younger kids and Red Ribbon. Which, if one could ignore how dirty it was, made it rather idyllic in a way. As there was a certain serenity given to the large room by the way the windows let the mooring rays in as the bounced off the simple golden streamer dangling from the celling. Casting the room in a celestial glow. However the interlude of silence was interrupted by Ribbon calling the three of them over.  “I saved you the good stuff,” Ribbon assured Phoenix as she pushed over a tray of Daffodils and an orange. The filly however only gave a forced smile before poking the lump of flowers as if it were a disease ridden carcass. Carapace held back the urge to face hoof as they presented her the stack of flowers. Phoenix was a picky filly, which was something Ribbon should have known. To Ribbon’s credit however, she remembered just as she passed the plate over; cringing a bit in embarrassment. Zeal, unlike his two compatriots, didn't seem to get that message however; he instead was perplexed as to how any pony could turn down daffodils. He reasoned maybe she was allergic but he’d never heard of a pony allergic to daffodils.  “Um, thanks.” Phoenix finally said, breaking the brief moment of collective embarrassment.  “Uh, no problem. Sorry for that.” Zeal replied    “It's fine...”  “So, Phoenix,” Zeal interrupted, “you ready for rec?” he asked with a beam, his mind already racing with a few different ideas on how to work with her flight issue.  “No,” she callously answered. “Oh come on. It'll give you a chance to get out there and stretch your legs. It's going to at least beat the time you’ll waste at book club or ar- OW! WILL YOU STOP HITTING ME?” Zeal demanded; rubbed his shoulder that his sister had just slugged.  “I’m sure Phoenix will have a great time.” she said with a smile at the filly in question before angrily glaring at her brother. “Well, it's true- OW!” Zeal wailed as his sister struck him once more ”Quit that!” Zeal decried. “Just zip it for once, please.” To which Zeal shook his head in mild annoyance but with a sigh he swiftly relaxed back to his normal state and agreed before letting a small grin crossed his muzzle. “I think that one might actually leave a bruise.” he praised as his eyes flickered with amusement. “What's that supposed to mean?” Ribbon inquired. “It means my baby sister can finally pack a hit. OHHH! They grow up so fast.” Ribbon’s eyes immediately filled with contempt as her face’s expression read something analogous ‘I’m going to strangle you’, thankfully however she made no such action.  While Carapace during the exchange tried to hide from the embarrassment under her hooves.  They were supposed to be here for Phoenix and yet all the same these two were bickering again; garnering the attention of the few remaining kids. Normally the background noises muted out these two bickering. Unfortunately with no real creatures reaming, all eyes fell on them. She felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her via association, while the eyes around her judged them. She wanted to change into the smallest thing she could think of and hide. Unfortunately she knew if she did, Phoenix would probably take the opportunity to just leave. Meaning she’d have to stick this out.    While I felt a pain of guilt for the embarrassment Carapace was going through I much more thankfully for the twins’ bickering than anything else. As it let me sit undisturbed with my orange for the majority of our time. Free from dealing with all “this.” As time slowly crawled by I found myself idly rolling the orange between my hooves. My eyes fixated on the simple back and forth motion as I tried to distract myself once more. Which almost worked until Carapace spoke up and shattered the background white noise that was the twins arguing.  “Are you going to eat your orange? Because you only have another few minutes before Virulent Lesson closes the cafeteria for cleaning.”  “Hu? Oh yea I’ll finish it,” I assured as I used my teeth to wiggle free a slice. It wasn't the easiest or most reliable way to break apart an orange, but without fingers I had to make do. When life gives you oranges and all that. Carapace gave a nod of satisfaction at my answer before making her way out of the cafeteria. “I’ll see you later,” she promised, shooting me a warm and tender smile. I watched her turn and leave; taking the warmth of the friendly gesture with her; leaving me alone once more.  I’m unsure why that particular smile stood out to me compared to the dozens she had given before, maybe it was the confidence it exuded compared to prior one? Though I wouldn't be able to say for sure. As the feeling of reclusion sat back in my mind began to wonder as it usually had. Letting the white noise of the twins' argument block out the world around me. As the simple hypnotic roll of the orange brought all my attention into a single point, disconnected from the drudgery of reality. I recall a brief moment of feeling a freezing breeze run through my hair, as I stood the edge of an island. Well I assumed it was an island, as I kept my eyes firmly shut through the experiences. Instead I opted to let my other sense take in the reality around me. There was the familiar tang of salt water brushing against my nose as the small waves, that could make it this far inland, brushed past my feet while the chilling air continued to blow out to sea. It was at that point I noticed an oddity. It was notably cold here. Not freezing per say, but the world lacked the sun's familiar and intimate warmth. I was on a beach, I should have felt it and yet I felt no such thing.  It was a notably missing detail that railed the back of my mind, It should have been here, my mind would whisper. But as I dare open my eyes to look, the sole cooling breeze of the sea assured me it was alright. So I relaxed, forgetting the warmth.  I would not spend much longer on the shore however, as the siren call of the sea beckoned me forward. Calling me to its roaring waves. I tried to take a step forward, to embrace the sea, to embrace the vast infinity of nothing, only for something to grab me from behind pulling me back. I took a surprised gasp as I opened my eyes. “Nix come on. The head stallion is going to get upset if we stick around any longer.” Zeal urged as he poked my back, trying to garner my attention, for what I could only assume was the seventh time.  “You can finish your half eaten orange somewhere else, but come on.” he insisted, trying to tug me along, to which I used my wings to brush him off.  “Yea yea,” I irritably replied as I took the orange in my mouth.