//------------------------------// // Goodbye Earth, Hellooooooo Hell Hole! // Story: DISCORDIA: Or How I Learned To Love The Chaos // by Ash_Kitsune //------------------------------// Chapter One: Goodbye Earth, Hellooooooo Hell Hole! “Carry the one... annnnd...” The sigh of relief that echoed about the room as Adam Glocke slumped in his chair was loud enough that it sounded more like the wind outside then a sound from a normal guy finishing his taxes. “Oh thank Celestia the numbers balanced out.” Adam mutters, rubbing his face with his left hand, his right arm tucked out of the way as he stretched his leg and shook his hand out a bit. It was another quiet night at Wisconsin State University, home of the Badgers, Badger Football, Badger Hockey, Badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom mushroooooooom... Adam shook his head and chuckled lightly, his hand running through his nondescript hair as he pushed himself out of his chair and yawned, smacking his lips lightly as he looked around his dorm room. It really wasn't that bad, the more he considered it. Sure, he lost his hand, and yeah, the military screwed him over but at least he was alive. At least he didn't die. He could keep going. College was a drag but he was learning something and he had enough credits from his military training to shorten a four year degree into a two-year, skipping most, if not all, of the boring classes. At twenty years old, any time to screw off and not do -anything- was highly appreciated. Of course, that time tonight had been taken up by the one thing in life that is guaranteed besides death: Taxes. He shuttered and stuck out his tongue. He was great at math, but taxes were -boring-. Who actually -wants- to do taxes? He pauses on that thought as he makes his way towards the bathroom, considering it for a moment before shrugging as he pulls off his teeshirt and tosses it aside. Someone out there possibly took pleasure from taxes, but whoever they were probably benefited from them more then they had to do them. And probably wouldn't help him with his shower. On a whim, the half-nude college man grabbed his laptop as he made his way into the bathroom. He couldn't really game anymore, on account of his missing hand, but he could still surf the web and write, and better yet, he found something new on the suggestion of his little, if only by a minute or two, sister. Growing up sucked, so why grow up? Especially when it came to a good cartoon. Adam had been introduced to My Little Pony, Friendship Is Magic like most bronies were: Cold Turkey, totally unsure of what to expect, beyond that it was by Lauren Faust. It happens when you spent most of a year in a hospital. But it was the weekend, it was relaxation time, he was positive he could set up his shower to convert to a bath, and he had just finished his taxes. It was pony time. And better yet, it was the start of the second season! He had been waiting for this for a while, ever since he discovered that the villain of the opener, one Discord, was voice acted by Q! Q! Q was amazing. He never really knew the full scope of -how- amazing Q is, mostly because he preferred cartoons over live-action and got into Star Trek -really- late, and preferred Voyager over The Next Generation, but he still knew who Q was and knew that if this Discord... thing, was as snarky, smarmy, and out of control as Q could be and usually was, then this was going to be a great way to open up the season. Adam hummed lightly to himself as he flicked on his laptop and booted up the episode, recently uploaded onto Youtube, as he settled into the tub and turned the water up, ready for a nice soak and a good episode. “My Little Pony, My Little Pony, Ahh~ahh~ahh~aahhh~” He sang along, smiling brightly, thinking nothing could ruin this for him... Till his computer crashed. “OH WHAT THE FUCK.” Adam growls as his hand comes out of the water to smack the side of his laptop, which was sitting atop of the toilet seat by the tub. The screen had gone black, the power went off, and while it was humming, it was for all intents and purposes, dead. “Stupid ass piece of shi-” He winds up to smack it again as all the lights go out and the water stops running. “... Great.” He grumbles as he stands up, getting out of the tub and nabbing his towel as he walks over to the door of his bathroom, fumbling for the nob. “Bloody fucking -brilliant-. And now my night goes to hell in a hand baske...” His voice drops from his lips as he opens the door to the bathroom with a soft *snick* And is totally unprepared for the sight he sees. Fire spewing across the sky, the ground a dark, frightful red, chilling hot and burning cold. He blinks once. Twice. A third time. “... Well... this was unexpected.” His hand drops from the doornob as he looks out at the landscape he could only describe as 'hellish' and gasps softly, trying to wrap his mind around where he was. When a voice pierces his thoughts. “THERE YOU ARE! Oh thank -me- I was almost worried my own nature would do me in!” Adam whirls in surprise, bringing his hand and stump up into a combat stance , his towel dropping away as he looks for the voice, only to have his jaw drop in shock as he looks upon the last being he was expecting. We all know the God of Chaos, lord of tricksters and master of pranks, Discord the Draconequus. We know what he looks like, we know what he sounds like. Hell, we know how he acts and what his favorite breakfast cereal is (froot loops, by the way). We we -don't- know is that looking at the GOD OF FUCKING CHAOS while wearing nothing but your birthday suit and standing outside of your bathroom door, the tub partially filled with warm water, whilest looking out upon a hellscape that was once your apartment is... well, to put it bluntly... Very Chaotic. Adam's jaw works up and down as he tries to contemplate what is going on as his eyes roll back up in his head and he falls over, dead to the world as his body is caught by the God of Chaos. “... well, better then when it happened to -me-. Guess he's made of sterner stuff. Hell, he didn't even shit himself!” The Draconequus cackles as he grabs Adam and leaps off the ground, making note of where the door to Adam's bathroom is as he takes the limp human away, glancing over his shoulder once in a while as if checking for something. --Meanwhile-- “Tia! Where did he go?!” Luna's voice was loud with both worry and anger, glancing about wildly as she tried to figure out where Discord vanished off too. The two young Alicorn Mares... well, young by Alicorn standards, only a thousand and a hundred more and a thousand and a hundred-fifty more respectively, stood together defensibly, their respective Elements shining brightly from their armor as they kept their heads on a swivel, looking out for their fierce foe who had fled from them just moments ago. Celestia's voice was weary, but calm and in control. “I don't know.” She whispers softly. “But do not fret sister, he won't get the best of us this time...” --Back at the Hellhole-- A groan of pain. A blur of lights and sounds. A echoing snap. Adam's head spun as he slowly dragged himself back to consciousness, a very difficult prospect indeed, but a task that needed to be undertaken if he was going to be able to... to... Get back to looking at the hellhole. His eyes finally opened to gaze upon the 'sky' of this place, almost pitch black, and yet, with great fires stretching across it, like a great, suffocating ceiling. “Ah, good, you've awoken. Care for some chicken?” Adam yelps in surprise at the voice that seems to be coming from his head, bolting upwards and looking around for the source of the voice, only to lay back down immediately, gripping his head and groaning in pain. “Yes, yes, I'm aware that hurts. Don't worry, it's real chicken, not Scootaloo.” The voice muses as Adam slowly sits up again, hissing in pain. “What the fuck...” Adam groans only to have the voice tisk. “No, no, it's what the -buck-. I swear, if you're going to be the new God of Chaos, you're going to need to do much better then you are right now.” “What the hell are you talking about!? Where are we, an... wait, Scootaloo?” Adam says, looking around before finally finding what he's looking for, sitting right behind him holding a big ol' bucket of KFC. Discord. The Draconequus looks at the mortal in amusement as he crunches away on the extra-crispy chicken. “Yes. Care for some? Chicken I mean.” Discord muses as he strips a piece clean before idly tossing the bone over Adam, where it explodes into confetti. “Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS! You're the new God of Chaos!” Adam gives the Draconequus a blank look, only to get one back with a sigh to boot. “Oh don't look at me like that, you'll spoil my appetite. At least I have chicken.” Discord muses as he bites into another drumstick. The mortal snorts. “Yeah yeah Leeroy. Ok, great joke, messing with the human, ha-ha, very funny. Oh look, now something else chaotic and stupid is going to happen. Least I miss my awareness check, that's your MO, yeah?” Discord scoffs softly. “Why I never! A Dungeons and Dragon's fan? Oh, this is going to be even -better-! GM or player?” The Draconequus says, stretching out as he and Adam are now on opposite sides of a table that wasn't there a moment ago, the God of Chaos wearing a sweater vest, pocket protector with pens and a calculator, and big, nerdy coke-bottle glasses that are taped together. “... Both... but you haven't an...” Adam is cut off by his confused response as a wizard hat is shoved on his head far enough to obscure the upper part of his body, making him squirm in his new constraints. “Even BETTER. That reminds me, I should challenge good old Gynax to another game when we meet up again...” Discord muses as Adam lets out sounds of anger and annoyance at his constraints. “Oh hush. I didn't pull it down -that- far. Just to your elbows. You can get out of that.” Discord says, looking bored. “This is the human that's supposed to replace me? Really?” Another minute of two or struggling passes before Adam frees himself from the wizard hat with he soon tosses aside, where it slips into a hole in the ground, panting a bit. “Wh... replace you?” Adam asks, looking very confused now. “Why yes, Replacement! Congratulation, as I said, are in order. I'd throw you a party but the mare for that particular job isn't going to be born for another thousand years or so, and the current mare of that job has a very -strange- sense of humor and probably isn't going to like you.” Discord says, looking over his paw as he taps his fingers on the table. “... Ok, maybe there is something I'm not understanding. Why am I replacing the God of Chaos?” Adam asks. Discord grins widely, his single tooth glinting in the dark light of the hellish landscape. “Because you're YOU mah boi! You're as you as you can be!” Discord laughs, looking quite tickled at the thought, making Adam growl, thoroughly unamused as Discord laughs and then slowly starts to sober up. “Fine. The truth then. I am dying, Adam Glocke of Earth, as did my predecessor and his predecessor.” Discord says flatly. “And you... are going to be the new God of Chaos. The same way I was picked, the same way all the Gods of Chaos have been picked... randomly.” Those words hung in the air and Adam groans, his head meeting the table with a solid THUNK as Discord chuckles lightly. “Yes, that was about the extent of -my- response when I learned. Of course, the Draconequus have always been a chaotic race, so it isn't -that- far fetched, but... well, when you're the last of a race of chaotic beings and are doomed to die instead of immortality...” The mis-matched being smirks darkly. “You want to go out with a -bang- and cause as much trouble as you can, no?” Adam frown as he looks up at Discord, his head resting on the table. “... What are you talking about?” Discord sighs. “We don't have time for a extended history boy, I need to get to brass tacks with you. This alt-space I've put us in gives me plenty of time to transfer my powers, but once I do, that's it. I'm dead and gone, you'll end up getting flung through the far reaches of space and time, and you're on your own. I barely have enough time to explain what is and isn't before...” As the chaos god falls silent, Adam looks at him. “... You're dying?” “In a way. All chaotic creatures live and die... like you humans. It's our nature, we live, cause as much chaos as possible, experience life as you humans put it, and then die.” Discord says dismissively, “It sounds horrible, but there is nothing quite like a fully experienced life. The whole world notices when such a life ends, doesn't it? A Chaos God is no different in that. You will live. For a very long time, but your own nature will tell you when it's time to end... and you will pass it on like I am now.” Discord's flat, serious expression is suddenly turned upside down as Adam's chair breaks and he's thrown to the ground, smacking his chin against the table edge as he goes. “SON OF A BITCH!” Adam swears as Discord laughs again. “YES! Things like that! Random Chance! It's better when it happens CHAOTICLY!” Discord laughs wildly as Adam hisses in pain from biting his tongue and smacking his jaw. “Oh yeah, great.” Adam growls. Discord sighs. “Oh stop being such a cry baby, it's all in good fun my boy. I hope you learn that quickly. It took me a good on hundred-twentysome years before I figured that out, and that was -before- I was a chaos god.” Adam sighs and rolls his eyes. “I don't believe you.” He says. “Look. I got class tomorrow and this prank got unfunny -ages- ago.” Discord's smile darkens softly as he suddenly darts forwards, grabbing Adam with both hands and holding him up. “H-hey! Come on, seriously, not funny!” Adam yowls as he kicks and squirms, his feet kicking at the Draconequus's arms. “Adam Glocke of Earth. You are chosen. The choice isn't mine or yours... it's chaos.” Discord says darkly, his voice echoing as his hands glow a dark purple, wrapping around Adam's shoulders and neck, Adam choking and gasping as it constricts his neck. “Gh-ahck! H-help...” He chokes out as he struggles against Discord, his struggling growing weaker by the moment as the glow becomes darker and darker, sliding across his nude form. “Your duties are as follows: Experience Life and Spread Chaos. Keep the balance by destroying the order. And most important- have fun.” Discord's voice echos, the Draconequus dropping to his knees, his arms quivering as the glow darkens further, enveloping Adam's head, his mouth open as it seems to pour down his throat. Adam's eyes roll back as he starts to black out from lack of air, his body twitching in agony as he slowly seems to die of the lack of air to his lungs. A voice drifts across his ears as he slumps in the arms of the God of Chaos. “My Journal is yours to find. Congratulations, good luck... and pick a good name for yourself... my lord.” The last words were almost mocking... but were forgotten as Adam left this realm of consciousness, lost to the world around him. --END-- Author Note: This Fic is the result of a bet, and honestly, with this chapter, I've done all I needed to do to uphold my end of the bet. I had a great time writing it and I do think it's pretty good, but I've got no editor, no prereader, and I'm posting it as-is. As such, if you enjoyed, the three R's apply. If you didn't enjoy, the three R's apply. If you didn't even read it, then why the fuck are you reading this? That's all, Ash out.