Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 173: Pinkamena Vs. Demon Horde
Today’s soundtrack brought to you by Royal Blood: --Trouble’s Coming by Royal Blood
Behind the sky blue eyes of Pinkamena, Pinkie waits subconscious and dreamy. Her soul-sister-she can use that right? Or is that racist? Do you get a pass on accidental racism if you’re technically a pony?- Anyway, Pinkie Pie's soul sister Pinkemena was in a bit of a tight spot, as was ME!-Oh wait, I’m supposed to narrate in third person!-Uh, let's see. We were running from demons, we landed on a shiny blue bridge thing in the middle of... Ooo! Ooo! I recognize this place from one of Dan's guidebooks! This is the Astral Plane!
“Get BUCKED Mother EFFER!”
Anyways, all the demons started moving again! Sis-me just smacked a bumpy, tiny man-demon with crab claws off the side of the bridge! It screamed all the way down, and I don’t even know if it landed! Hopefully, a helpful astral turtle can help it out.
Also, the demons were one by one able to move and that meant sis-me was kicking ass with a crowbar we gave her. Our skin-tight vinyl suit (Thanks Trinity!) was barely scratch even! I let her borrow my pink crowbar so, you know... she could hit stuff instead of us dying. Man, was she bringing the hurt against big, scary things with mouths full of sharp teeth and acid jet breath! Also, she deserves points for avoiding being eaten and melted!
Ooh! One of the demons tried to go full Jurassic Park! Full angry Kermit the frog with double Klingon ridges and a double side of horns! -Also, sorry Newman from Seinfeld –Sis and I almost got sprayed with double-blindy tar, but she just hooked it by the cheek and it accidently sprayed a pink bulldog demon that was all sinew and 'Oh Granny, what big teeth you have!' Wow, RIGHT in the mouth! That demon dog is not having a good day! Also, totes-McGoats McDead.
Pinkemena screamed like a glass that just broke. “Pinkie! Could you narrate in a little less spaztasticly? Kinda fighting for our souls at the moment!”
Oh-my-gosh! Oh-my-gosh! OH-MY-GOSH! We have TWO souls?! That's news so great it makes me want to dance! WHOOPS! You're already doing a dance with another one of those dang-diddly-demons that look like it went to the hardware store and didn't leave any chains or scary, barbed hooks for anyone else! Man, it must clean up at fishing competitions! Aaaaaaand NOW it looks like you're playing the drums!
“I'm BEATING it to death with its own hook and my crowbar!”
Look, I can't help that drums don't bleed and shoot dark, nearly unknown obscenities when you hit them!
“Seriously, Pinks!” Pinkemena shouted as she brought her crowbar down once more with a ‘Thunk!’. “I really, really need concentration!”
Like brain focus and not orange juice, right?
Pinkemena grunted as she held her crowbar high above her head and brought it down with a satisfying ‘bang!!!!’ing squelch that sent chain links and bits of broken skull bone and brain in all directions. “Well, I just pulped this one's head, so yeah. The first thing.”
With the crack of a whip that could break holy sigils and scar the veil of reality itself (Or so I’ve been told!) Pinkemana narrowly averted her gaze from the blindly bright flames that had wrapped themselves around her crowbar. Just her luck, the Balrog was beginning to stir and managed to entangle sis-me- ermmmmm..! - Pinkemena's weapon with a FrisbeeTM toss wip flip!
“Did you just literally say 'Tee-Em? Also, if I had your huge-ass curls, they'd be on fire. Also, ouch! My freakin' eyes!” Pinkamena averted her gaze and pulled with all her might, matching the Balrog's arm- just the one-strength.
Braving second-degree soul burns (apparently a REAL fucking thing, just ask my freakin’ smoldering palm!), Pinkemana placed her left hand on the business end of the crowbar and wrested it away from the coil of flame. The whip snapped, nearly claiming an eye as she pivoted on her heels and pressed boot rubber to ground in a direction roughly opposite of the G-damn super demon (wait, are my boot soles still technically made out of rubber?).
Do boots have souls? Did our boots become REAL boots with their own wants and dreams when we ended up here? Where they swallowed by a whale and almost turn into a braying ass because they gambled too much!?!??!!!?!!!!????
“No more Pinocchio watching after midnight! Also, Get out of my head!”
But I live here!
Pinkamena caught a flash of movement on her right; something the color of burnt red and shining ivory. One hand throbbing, the other stinging with searing pain, Pinkamena swung her crowbar upwards as she ran and sent one of the smaller terrors reeling. “Okay, fair. Hey sis, I can take out these small fry easily enough, but we need a plan for taking out that fucking Balrog!”
Ooo! Ooo! Try throwing lit matches at it!
“It's MADE out of Fire!”
Oh, right! Then throw unlit matches at it!
Pinkemena grunted in disgust as she swung hard and cracked the exposed ribs of a dog-faced demon with taut skin. “Those will light up like MATCHES exposed to flame and we – will – have MORE fire!”
Okay, not to go full P-Twilight Sparkle on you, but have you tried freeeiiindship?
Gritting her teeth, Pinkemena dug her heels in as deeply as she could into some StarTransformers(1986)TronianWars metal light-up floor, and just her lucky day! It buckled under sheer force of magical whimsy-whatsit. “You want me to make friends with what might be the actual Balrog of Morgoth?!
I thought it was Antioch!
Pinkamena let out a heavy, done with the day, sigh that would make her boyfriend grin with nerdish pride. “Pinkie! Could you at least try not to spread Monty Python into everything you’ve watched?!”
Those Hobbits would have really cleaned house with a pile of Holy Hand Grenades, just sayin’.
Pinkamena took a hard swing at a red imp, more claws and teeth than anything else. An outpouring of free razor-sharp gnashers was her reward. Her brown crinkled long enough to utter, “Honestly, I’d trade the boring half of Montana for a Holy Hand Grenade.”
Which half is the boring half?
Pinkamena snorted out a laugh, “Right?! Glad we’re on the same page!
If Pinkie could grimace at the moment, she would. You know... I’m not even sure if we’re reading from the same book Ae – Tee – Em.
A roar that challenged heaven itself tore through the air and sent shivers through the dual souls of Pinkie and Pinkamena. Pinkamena almost lost her footing as she ran but managed to kick her left leg in front of her and made a wobbly sprint forward. She dodged teeth that bite and claws that catch, but the sound of heavy leather wings beating the air behind her made her wonder some rather impertinent questions. Will I see my love again?
Totally!
Where are we running to anyway!?
Why, away from certain death, silly!
Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways?
Asking the real questions!
With a heavy ‘thud!’ the Balrog, towering over Pinkamena with a body of fire (and tusks easily as big as her!!!) raised its vorpal sword for a strike. Pinkamena raised her crowbar to defend as the massive sword came down.
With a snicker-snack the vorpal blade went through the air and flew in an unexpected direction, gigantic demon hand still clutching to the handle as it trailed tar black blood.
Someone had come to rescue them!- er- Pinkamena! They wore a shiny black trenchcoat, super-cool googles, and a sleek black mask that covered their nose and mouth. Ooo! Also, they had long, pretty auburn hair!
Pinkamena barely took note of the black trenchcoated individual who had timely ‘BAMF!’ed in between her and the Balrog, removing its sword and sword hand with a scimitar that looked like it was used to cleave entire plains in half. “Plane! I was thinking the other one! P-l-a-n-e!” Pinkamena shouted as rushed forward and checked the balrog’s reflexes via crowbar to its left knee cap.
How the heck do you know what I'm spell thinking! Pinkie thought over the mighty roar of mighty painful pain the demon was in. Or maybe it was just angry?! Hard to say! I’ve only encountered an astral-life Balrog once! And this is that one-time and-oops! I’m supposed to use italics when I think!
With a flick of the wrist, the Balrog swung its whip at the one which had separated hand from wrist. It’s prize? Flaming bangs connected to a waist-length caramel-walnut-colored hair as its target swayed out of the way at inhuman speed.
Many thoughts, Preemptive please give me a few microseconds to get these out! Okie-Dokie artichokie! raced through Pinkamena’s brain-soul...brain-soul-thinky part... thing. Wow, was that cool! WHY THE FUCK IS IT INTERDIMENSIONAL MATRIX DAY!? THAT SWORD IS BIGGER THAN HOT GIRL! HOLY HELL IS THAT A FUCKING COOL TRENCH! Man, they put out the fire fast! Ouch... those pretty bangs will defs grow back...
Wowie-zowie! It’s Matrix Day on the Astral Plane, too!
Like, right!? Peeps really need to mark this on all the freakin’ multiverse calendars!
Missing a hand and injuriously furious, the Balrog’s maw opened and a dark speech poured forth like impending doom.
Uh, sis? I don’t know what the Balrog of Antioch is saying, but I just read the line above this one and it does not bode well for Pinkamena Diane ‘Pinkie’ Pie.
Not one to turn a def ear to the tune of ‘Yeah, you might just bite the big one this time ‘round’, Pinkamena power slid her way next to her savior of the past few seconds until maybe whatever was about to happen. “Hey we just met, and this is crazy, but I would very much like to live, so tell me what’s about to go down, maybe.”
In spite of amber mirrored goggles, Pinkamena caught wind of a raised eyebrow. “On a scale of zero to ‘Help! Help! All I feel is pain,’ how fireproof would you rate yourself?”
I like him!
Totally thought that hottie was a girl, but whateves. “Like, 8 and half a help.”
A perceived single eyebrow raise suddenly turned into two eyebrows lifted into the universal sign of ‘here there be dragons’. “Soooo, I’m going to hug you now like your life depended on it on account of all the true that is.”
Pinkamena took a deep breath. “Mind the tits and ass, please.”
“Message received!” The intrepid hero of ‘seriously, where do I get a coat that freakin’ shiny’ wrapped one arm around Pinkamena’s back and another around her waist. The coat of infinite gloss enveloped her as a black helmet assembly covered her new, ‘dude, things move fast on the astral plane’ hug friend. “SEAL!” he shouted.
Despite the darkness of the coat that surrounded her, Pinkamena caught sight of a shimmering vale that separated the duo from the outside. This was followed by the spark of something powerfully sinister.
And then the world around them was naught but flame.