The entire candy store was thrown into silence. Gilda looked like she might explode. Pinkie looked like she might die. Derpy looked like she might throw up again.
“Sorry *urp* Gilda,” Derpy apologized. “I just don’t know what went-*KA-BARF!*” She vomited a second time, spew thankfully on the floor this time.
“There, there, Derpy,” Pinkie said. “Let’s get you back to your house so you can lie down.”
*PUKE!*
“…or a hospital, that works too. Don’t worry, I’ll throw you a super-dee-duper ‘get well soon’ before you can say ‘health insurance!’ Also, could somepony get me and Gilda a towel? This stuff’s really sticky.”
Some time later…
Fluttershy lead Applejack to the bunny pin, complete with burrows. AJ was there to help her friend count all the baby bunnies that were born in the springtime. To be honest, she wasn’t feeling up to it, for her sleep deprival had gone past “nodding off every five minutes,” to “cranky moods supercharged by caffeine.” To say the least, the farmer wasn’t the slightest bit happy. In fact, pretty much everything that she laid eyes on annoyed her beyond belief.
“Okay know,” Fluttershy explained. “These rabbits are really sensitive, and they scare very easily. So, don’t try to startle them okay?”
“Don’t you try ta tell me how ta do mah job!” snapped Applejack. “Roundin’ up critters is what Ah do best, seconded by applebuckin’.”
“Um, Applejack?” Fluttershy spoke. “I don’t really want to hurt your feelings, but taking care of animals is my job, although it’s more like volunteer work, seeing that I don’t get an actual paycheck. That reminds me, can you spare a few bits? I haven’t really afforded to go shopping in a while, and I kinda-sorta-maybe skipped out on the last few meals…”
“Enuff with th’ sob stories, Fluttershy,” Applejack crudely interrupted. “Ah’m helpin’ with th’ stupid bunnies, ain’t Ah?”
“I suppose so,” Fluttershy backed down. “Oh my, we’re here. Flopsy, Mopsy? Could you gather all the babies and present them here, pretty please?”
Applejack had a different method: yelling at a high volume, and lots of it. “TEN-HUT!! AH WANT TA SEE THOSE YOUNGSTERS OF YERS, YA VARMITS! HEY, WHERE Y’ALL GOIN’? Y’ALL DISRESPECTIN’ AN ORDER FROM A SUPERIOR OFFICER, MAGGOTS!”
Meanwhile, within the glorious underground mead hall of Clan Cottontail…
Lord Angel Cottontail the Seventh sipped his alcoholic carrot juice with sweet satisfaction. He reflected on the events of another victorious spring: He had claimed his vengeance on Opalescence the Terrible, he had lead his sword-brethren to yet another bountiful raid from the cabbage stands, and best of all, he had bedded & seeded no less than nineteen different females this mating season, giving birth to another branch of the Cottontail tree.
All of a sudden, the scouts who had been guarding the surface burrows came bursting through the hall doors, sweating like pigs.
“Milord!” one of them cried. “The apple-mare challenges the House of Cottontail!”
“Hush, Flopsy the Swift,” calmed Angel with a baritone voice that was so jaw-dropingly manly, your balls could be inspired to drop off, run into the wild, kill a Bengal tiger, and grow ten times in size just by hearing it. “What happened?’
“The one who is Applejack was seen stomping around, shouting all manner of insults and demands!” proclaimed Mopsy the Fleet. “We believe it to be that she wants to take over our youth. I’m telling you, it was disgrace!”
Buttons the Wise, the oldest elder, announced a suggestion. “It would be rash to take a pony head-on,” he warned. “Not to mention a death sentence.” Many solemnly nodded at his tactical observation. Bunnies were the fiercest warriors on this side of the playpen, by they had nothing on the sheer fury of a pony.
“What is your view on this, Milord?” asked Mopsy. “Shall we stay here where it’s safe, or get killed on the field of battle?”
Angel nodded in thought before speaking. “Cowering in our holes like trapped animals shall disgrace our ancestors in Bunny-hala,” he said, slamming down his drink. “But getting slaughtered like hunted animals will do nothing for us either.”
“Then what do we do?” questioned everybunny.
“We cannot fight this threat directly,” their leader smirked, “but we can send a message. Let’s hit them where it hurts: their food supply!”
“Should we attack at dawn, as usual?” inquired Flopsy.
“Nay,” said Angel. “I already feel the earth pony pounding at the ground above us. We have to begin the assault immediately. Sharpen your blades, my brothers! For honor! For glory! FOR CLAN COTTONTAIL!!!!!”
Fluttershy peered into each rabbit hole. Utter darkness greeted her in each one.
“I think you scared them off, Applejack,” she said.
“They were jus’ being’ a buch ‘o pussies,” Applejack huffed.
“Well, I really don’t mean any offense, but you were being so harsh, and you kind of scared me a little… Oh hey, there they are!” Fluttershy pointed to a hole entrance
Applejack’s head cocked to the side. “What in tarnation are they wearin’?”
What the bunnies in question were wearing was a collection of bunny-sized battle armor, made from collection of stolen silverware and scrap metal taken from the local junkyard. On their faces seemed to be Braveheart and KISS-esque makeup. (Or was it war paint?)
Angel Cottontail looked across the open grass. There, as promised, was the apple-mare, looking less confident than he was told. He smiled at this with satisfaction, and raised his paw to point directly at her.
“CHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he cried with bravo. “THEY WILL TREMBLE AT OUR WISKERS!”
“CHARGE!” cheered his subordinates. With that, they ran into combat with all the rage and valor that only a bunch of bunnies could.
“Oh no, Angel,” Fluttershy said. “What are you doing? Is this about me cutting off snack times? Please, listen to Mommy!” It was no use; the rabbits scampered past her, apparently squeaking little battle cries. “I know you’re scared and confused about Applejack, but she doesn’t know any better. Would it be okay with you if I asked more nicely?”
The Angel’s hoard hopped into the Ponyville marketplace. Startled shopkeepers looked on in confusion at what appeared to be Fluttershy’s pets barraging in and snacking on their fruits, vegetables, and flower arrangements.
“The horror!” screeched a trio of flower-flanked ponies. “The HORROR!!!”
“What are you panicking about?” Dusk Shine said, who happened to be there shopping. “It’s just bunnies. They’re probably more scared of us than we are of them. Watch.” He walked up to one of the floppy-eared assailants. “Boogedy-boogedy-boo!” he said, making a silly face.
Angel looked into his challenger’s eyes. The pony facing him was a purple unicorn stallion, mocking him with the most ridiculous expression. Angel raised his mighty blade, forged from the finest butter knife steel, and slashed his opponent for his ignorance!
“Yow!” yelled Dusk. “That hurt, you little rodent!”
“Hehe,” Spike giggled on his surrogate brother’s back. “You just got your flank kicked by a rabbit.”
“Shuttup, Spike,” said Dusk, nursing the minor wound his face. “Come on, I think we have some antibiotics back at the library.
Meanwhile, at a place that was not being raided by rabbits, Rainbow Dash was dealing with a much more difficult issue: calming down Gilda.
“Com’on G, it was an accident! Derpy just didn’t know what went wrong.” Dash said. Gilda’s fists were trembling with rage.
“Forget it Dash,” she said darkly. “I’ll never forgive her for this! All these ponies are too lame for forgiveness!”
“Including me?” Dash said. Gilda bit her tongue. An impressive feat, considering that she had a beak.
“Dash, you know I don’t think of you that way,” the griffin tried to explain.
“Then what about my friends? Are they not cool enough for you?”
“No! Well, on the second thought, yeah, they're totally lame-os, and they don't deserve you.”
“You don’t know much that hurts me, G,” Dash said, trying to hold back a tear. Gilda sighed a bit, regretting that the situation turned to a turf that was not her own: being sappy.
“Dash, quit the drama," she improvised. "Do want this to turn into a soap opera?”
“Hay no!” Dash said quickly, her watery eyes wiped away by her own pride. This was the Dash Gilda knew. “I ain’t a namby-pamby wuss! I’m the coolest thing alive!” Gilda grinned.
“Nice to have you back, Dash,” she said knowingly. Just when they were about make up with a traditional hoof/talon wrestle, the bunny attack reached them.
“By the Stare, what is that?” Flopsy the Swift exclaimed. Before them was a behemoth of a beast, a monster that appeared to be a sick fusion of eagle and lion. Worse, it looked hungry.
“It must be the ponies’ secret weapon! We’re doomed! Shall we retreat, Milord?”
Lord Angel Cottontail the Seventh narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t come all this way to retreat,” he growled. “Snuggles the Unbreakable! Tiddly-Winks the Strong! Flank this beast while I strike some blows to the eyes!”
“Are you mad??” Tiddly-Winks said. “You’ll be killed! We must retreat!”
“Look at the wings on that thing,” calmly said their leader. “It’ll catch up to us in the blink of an eye, and judging by that predatorily look in its eye, it probably doesn’t feed on egg salad. If we retreat, we die.” He readied his sword. “No, if I’m joining the Hall of the Fallen today, I’m taking this abomination with me, kicking and screaming.”
“It’s been an honor serving you, Milord,” Snuggles said, saluting. “Before we die, I just wanted you to know: I slept with your shield-maiden.”
“Which one?”
“All of them, Milord. All of them.”
“You are forgiven comrade, for I have slept with all of yours as well.” Cue epic leap into battle! “YOU WILL TASTE THE WRATH OF ME, MY ALLIES, AND EVERY COTTONTAIL BEFORE ME, MONSTER!” Angel shouted, savoring the moment. “FOR TONIGHT, WE DINE IN TARTARUS!”
Gilda thrashed at the adorable bunnies gnawing at her face. “Get ‘em off me!” she cried. “I hate bunnies!” Rainbow Dash attempted to pry the little demon-spawn off her friend, but to no avail. The claws and teeth of the fluffy menace only dug deeper. Finally, Gilda resorted to trying to peck their eyes out. “Take this, you dweebs! This is NOT a cool day to pick a fight with Gilda the griffin!”
“Gilda, stop!” Fluttershy called out, finally catching up with Angel. “You might hurt them!”
“Forget them, what about me?” the angry half-eagle roared.
“She’s kinda right G, take it easy,” Dash said.
“I thought you were on my side!” Gilda said, her feeling hurt. “So long flip-flop, I’m blowing this popsicle stand.” With that, she tore the bunnies off one by one, violently threw them on the ground, and flew away.
“Gilda, come back!” Dash said, flying after her.
Dusk Shine stomped into Sweet Apple Acres, determined to have Applejack see the light. This time, he was not going to take no for an answer. “Applejack!” he hollered “I need to talk to you. You need help, Faustdammit!”
“Ah don’t need no help,” said Applejack as she came into view. She looked as worn out as ever, but there was a smug look of satisfaction on her face. “…Because Ah already finished!”
“You did?” said a surprised Dusk.
“Jus’ look and see.” She pointed over a hill. Trees that once bore delicious apples were now baren, and they reached as far as the eye could see. “What do you think of them apples, Sugarcube?”
“Uhh,” he spoke, not sure what to say next. “What about the ones to your right?”
“To mah right…?” Applejack gazed starboard, seeing that the orchard had seemingly doubled. After careful consideration, she committed an act that before that day, she would claim that the kind of behavior would only be reserved for Rarity: she fainted.
When she came to, she saw that Dusk was standing over her, a serious look in his eye. “You want my help now?” he said.
“Why are ya doing this to me? Why are ya helping me? No one’s ever offered me help before, and Ah never needed it!”
Rainbow Dash tackled Gilda midair. The two wrestled on a cloud before they stopped to catch their breath.
“Come on, *gasp* come back with me, *gasp* I know we can work *gasp* this out,” Dash said, heaving.
“”Why *gasp* does it *gasp* always have to *gasp* be this way, Dash?” Gilda said, breathing heavily as well. “You always convince me to branch out, and no matter have many times it backfires, you just want me to suck it up and smile. Well, I’m sick of it! Why do you keep torturing me like this?”
“Because I’ve been where you are before,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Because I’ve been where you are before,” said Dusk. “When I was little, I had to pass the biggest exam of my life. I studied my brains out, but I never felt I was prepared enough to pass. Finally, my big brother put his hoof down and said enough was enough and told me to play outside.”
“What was the subject?” asked Applejack.
“Gym,” said Dusk flatly. “It was for Track and Field Day.”
“An’ this relates to mah situation how?”
“The point is, if you stay too focused on one task, you soon lose sight of everything else. Like when you put Derpy in the emergency room, or unleashed the bunnies that wreaked my face. I just want to lend you a hoof so you can get back to your life.”
“Apples are mah life!” Applejack said, breaking into tears. “Everypony knows that ‘Applejack’s bad at math’ an’ ‘Applejack don’t have table manners!’ Don’tcha see Dusk? Apples are th’ only thing Ah’m actually good at, nothin’ more. It’s all Ah know! It’s mah dang cutie mark!”
“Shuttup,” Dusk Shine said, his voice quivering.
“What didja say?”
“I said shut up!” he stomped a hoof on the ground. “Don’t you ever talk like you’re nothing, you hear me? You won the Pony of Ponyville award, remember? Sure you’re not ‘booksmart,’ but what good is that? I’m the smartest pony I now, and I can’t even manage my love life! You’re strong, proud, pretty, powerful, and by Celestia, you inspire me to carry on in spades!”
“Dusk” said AJ, wiping tear from her eye. “That there was th’ nicest thing anypony’s ever said ta me. Alright, Ah’ll let ya help but on one condition…”
“What was that?” said Gilda.
“I said I’ve been where you are before,” repeated Rainbow Dash. “I used to think that this town was full of losers too, but then I got to know them better. Eventually, I realized how good it felt to have a group of friends that will be with you thick and thin, who will listen to you when things are going rough.”
“I thought you weren’t going to get sappy on me,” objected Gilda.
“Just hear me out. Anyway, I found something I never did before: Even around you, I had to keep up an ice-cold barrier around me. I really had no one to really talk to without hiding a part of myself. Hay, how could I? I was Rainbow Dash, the untouchable idol that was too cool for school!”
“Dash, get to the point.”
“What I’m saying is, when I look at you, I see the old Rainbow Dash that was too scared to let anypony in. I just want to help you, that’s all.”
“You done?”
“Yeah.”
Gilda took a deep breath. “THAT’S COMPLETE LOAD OF BIRD DROPPINGS!!!!!!” she screeched.
“G, I swear, I’m not going soft on you.”
“That’s NOT what I’m talking about, dimwit.” The griffin said. “I’m talking about how you could open up to them and not to me!! What, was I not good enough for you back at flight camp? I was your only friend! You were my only friend!”
“G, I didn’t mean it that way…”
“Oh noooo,” Gilda said, still mad, but mocking Dash just to spite her, “Of course you don’t mean it, because you can’t ‘express yourself’ around me! And another thing, about the ‘me symbolizing your past self’ crud? Complete bull. What am I, your little pet project? I’m a living, breathing life form too, in case you forgot!”
“So, what the condition?” asked Dusk.
“First, close yer eyes,” instructed Applejack.
“Why?”
“Jus’ close ‘em, idiot.”
“Gilda, if you just let me finish a sentence…”
“No! You ain’t gonna say a word until I’m done!” ranted Gilda. “Do you even know why I put up with you? Why I hung out with you all through flight camp? Why I came here to Ponyville in the first place?”
“Oh yeah?” said Rainbow Dash, her patience done trying. “Why are even friends with me, huh?”
“Because I bucking LOVE you, you numbskull!”
Both couples kissed.
Dusk Shine tried to resist for half a moment, then gave in to the pleasure of Applejack’s tongue. Soon, it wasn’t him kissing her anymore. It was simply a stallion kissing a mare, a instinctual ritual that was practiced since the dawn of time and beyond.
This poetic scene could have been a lot more deep if Applejack hadn’t punched Dusk Shine straightly afterward.
“Ow,” Dusk said, clutching his bleeding nose. “Owowowowowow. Ow.”
“Th’ favor’s that y’all don’t tell a soul what happened here,” said Applejack. “Clear?”
Dusk Shine was about to protest, then caught himself. You know what? he thought, She’s kinda cute. I think I’m okay with it this time. Maybe she can even be the girlfriend that WON’T be the death of me.
“…Deal.”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes closed as her lips touched Gilda’s sharp beak. You can do this Dash, she encouraged herself. Just tell her you’re straight, and it’ll be over. She might hate you, but it’ll be over. Their mouths parted, and Gilda’s grip on Rainbow Dash released. Well, here goes nothing. I’m about to lose the best friend I’ve ever had. Open up your eyes and tell her, you coward! Rainbow Dash’s eyes opened and her mouth was ready to break the news, but Gilda was nowhere to be seen.
Next time…
The crowd of ponies murmured in anticipation. Some even brought popcorn. The midday sun beat down on the mysterious caravan that rolled into town.
“Ladies and Gentlecolts,” an ominous voice boomed from inside, “beings inferior to me of all ages, prepare yourselves for the spectacle of you very lives, for you are about to witness the amazing feats of the Grrreat and Powerrrrrful TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIXIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!