//------------------------------// // Lesson 2: Every Problem is a Friendship Problem if you Pretend Hard Enough // Story: My Little Warhammer: Friendship is Waahg! // by conkersbadfurday //------------------------------// Explosions mixed with howls of alien rage as thunder rolled over the landscape, not from weather but monsters made of bone. The swarm of bugs stretched from horizon to horizon, moving like a tidal wave, their feet all claws, their mouths all teeth. Purple shells decorated their shoulders and heads while yellow eyes glared from deep sockets. Everypony screamed. Rainbow Dash took to the sky only for Applejack to yank her back down, just as a red wave of magic threatened to burn her to a crisp. The bugs crashed into another group of monsters, an army of bipedal creatures with green skin and the word, “whaag!” at the tips of their tongues. They had stubby, round heads and wore crude clothing that, despite all the armor plates, did not stop the bugs from clawing, stinging, or biting. Many of the green monsters held metal wands that only knew one kind of spell: loud and fiery. Those not carrying wands swung large axes and other cutting tools. Eyes wide, Twilight Sparkle cast a barrier around everypony. They all huddled together as the two groups met. The green monsters drove into the large bugs without finesse, many laughing and knocking over their teammates to get to the front of the line. Magic explosions tore both groups apart, the bugs falling by the dozen yet not caring, the green creatures delighting in the carnage. Axe met claw, magic met magic, and the air itself seemed to quake in fear. “What in Equestria is going on?” Applejack shouted, plugging her ears with her hat to muffle the sounds. “A friendship crisis!” Twilight Sparkle beamed. “The bucket worked!” “Forget the stupid bucket, Twi!” Rainbow Dash roared. “Get us out of here!” “Uh,” Twilight said. She kicked at a loose stone. “I can’t.” “You what?” five ponies demanded. A loud roar stole their attention as a mammoth bug with four tree-stump legs barreled into the green monsters, too big to stop yet quickly surrounded all the same. The green monsters threw themselves at the thing, their wands rattling fire until the large bug was more explosion than creature. “Twilight,” Pinkie Pie said. “I don’t think I like this place. Are you sure you can’t take us home?” “Yes Pinkie. We have to solve the—” The magic dome buckled. A stray bug pressed against it, first with its face and then with its claws. A crack appeared in Twilight’s magic. "Someone do something!” Rarity whined. “Do you think it wants to be friends?” Twilight asked. With a gulp, Fluttershy stepped forward. Her body quivered with fear, but she stood her ground and said in an even voice: “Mr. Monster, do you … uh … want to be friends?” The bug paused. “That’s a good monster. See, you don’t have to be mad. Just tell me—” Fluttershy’s eyes went wide, and she shrieked so loud the shield fell. “Kill it! Someone kill it now! Make it go away!” As if responding to her call, a green monster leapt into the fray, swung his axe in a clean chop, and sent the bug’s head spinning from its body. Purple blood puddled onto the ground. “Waaahg!” it shouted. Broken teeth fell from its mouth, and a thousand cuts covered its body. It smelled like sweat and a thousand dead rats. “Kill it! Kill it nah!” Then it tore off, laughing at the top of its lungs and swinging its axe at the empty air. “What was that?” Rainbow Dash shouted. “What is any of this!” Rarity rushed to help Fluttershy while Applejack turned to Twilight. “Twi, if you can’t get us out of here, at least take us away from this brouhaha before we wind up killed.” “No,” Fluttershy said. With Rarity’s help, she stood. Her eyes were still wide, and her body still shook. Her pink mane lay disheveled around her face. “We have to stop the bugs.” “Fluttershy dear,” Rarity said, her left eye twitching, “I think you must have hit your head. We have to hide.” The yellow Pegasus shook her head. “No. You don’t understand. The bugs are a hive, like ants or bees. And when I talked to the one, it … it spoke to me.” “What did it say?” Twilight asked. She magicked paper and quill into her hooves. Fluttershy turned to watch the fight. The green monsters were now driving around in strange contraptions that seemed to be more fire than car. Explosions fell from them like raindrops in a storm, and the bugs crumpled in their wake. Yet the bugs continued to pour in from the horizon. Their numbers were endless. "That it wants to eat everything. Everything in the universe.” * “That’s crazy talk,” Rarity said. She ran a hoof through her mane. “This is all crazy talk. Like a bad dream.” “Maybe not,” Twilight said. She shook the tin bucket, and frowned when nothing fell out. “The map showed us a friendship crisis, and the bucket sent us here for a reason.” She gave it another shake. “Can bugs learn friendship?” “Okay,” Rainbow Dash said. “New rule. Don’t listen to Twilight. She’s gone crazy.” “Hey!” The sound of an approaching engine ended the conversation. Hopping, exploding, and barely held together with tape, a familiar green creature waved from the steering wheel of a beat-up truck. Its six wheels bounded over the uneven landscape, none of them the same size, and four thick lances jutted out the front bumper. Bug parts decorated each one. A giant rocket rounded out the rear, along with two little fins with flames painted on them. The rest of the truck was painted blue. Before coming to a stop, the green monster leapt out of the vehicle, his arms full of wands. He looked like a pile of walking metal, from the smaller wands attached to his hips and back to the bundle in his arms. Even his shoulders held big, dented plates painted blue. A golden skull sparkled as a belt buckle, which held up a pair of pants so faded and torn they threatened to fall off. “Kill it nah!” he barked. His voice sounded like six pounds of gravel stuck together with chewing gum. “Waagh!” “Listen here you,” Pinkie Pie said, aiming her party cannon at the creature. “I don’t know what kind of parties you throw, but we’re not interested.” The monster clapped, sending all of his wands crashing to the ground. “Dat’s a good gun. Lets mount i’ ter the boostah stabbah an’ go kill sum, bugs!” “Uh,” Rainbow Dash said. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” “What in Equestria is going on!” Rarity shrieked. “Daan’ ya knah? It’s waagh!” The creature hopped up and down before pointing to Fluttershy. “The bloomin’ Snakebite critter says ter kill ‘em aw, so you’re on our team, even tha I’m Deathskull. Ya an’ ya. Blue critters.” He pointed to Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle. “You're Deathskulls ta. Sneaky sneaky!” Rainbow Dash looked herself over and shrugged. Twilight eyed the creature up and down. Her horn flashed pink, and she levitated him into the air, spun him around, and then set him back. The creature accepted this with good graces, like this sort of thing happened to him fairly often and it was better to just enjoy the ride. He pointed to his head and winked. “Sneaky sneaky.” “Well, he doesn’t appear to be a bug or a hive mind,” Twilight said. “Good job, Twi,” Rainbow Dash said. She rolled her eyes. “Glad we solved that.” Done being inspected, the green creature picked up Pinkie’s party cannon “Hey!” Pinkie yelled, but before anyone could stop him, the monster began hammering it to the back of his truck with the butt of his axe. “Now hold on just a dang minute,” Applejack said, but the green monster ignored her. “Na it’s a boostah shootah! Ya.” He smiled at Pinkie Pie, and one of his teeth fell out. “Yer. Blood Axe critter. Get in, and when ya clock some bugs, shoot ‘em dead.” “Absolutely not!’ Rarity hissed. “You will give Pinkie her cannon back, and we are—” “I think we should go with him,” Fluttershy said. She hunkered low to the ground. “I know it’s scary, but he’s right. We need to stop those bugs before they destroy everything.” “Wahg!” the monster agreed. Twilight nodded. “The only way we’re getting home is if we solve the friendship crisis. It’s why we’re here.” “Or,” Rainbow Dash said in a slow, soft tone. “You could cast a spell and send us home, and we could just live with glowing cutie marks forever.” “I’m fine with that,” Applejack said. “Spell?” The green monster rubbed at his chin so hard another tooth fell out. “I know spells. Ya. I can take ya to the wierdboyz. Get in da boostah shootah, and you, blood axe critter, start shootin.’” “Okay,” Twilight said before anyone could stop her. At the insistence of the monster, an Ork whose named turned out to be Doomer, everypony picked up a metal wand, which he either called a gun or a shootah depending on its size. The weapons were heavy, their triggers not suited for hooves, but the Ork would not let them continue unless they were “armed an ready ter waahg.” Applejack, Rarity, and Twilight all carried smaller guns with round barrels while Rainbow Dash and Applejack both grabbed larger shootahs. Applejack’s came with a backpack, which Rarity helped her put on. “Well, it’s certainly not high fashion,” she said. “But it matches your hat.” “Least of our problems, Rare.” Rainbow Dash pressed the trigger on her weapon and spun through the air as it sprayed metal slugs into the ground. “Oh my gosh!” she said. “Ya!” Doomer said. “Only daan’t shoot at the bloomin’ earf, ya mental critter!” “What’s this trigger do?” Rainbow Dash asked. The gun had a secondary barrel that ended in a red cone with fins. Someone had gone to the painstaking effort to paint a skull on it. “Boom!” They funneled into the truck, with Doomer taking the controls despite Rainbow Dash’s offer to try and drive. Doomer would hear none of it. Both Rarity and Applejack agreed with the green creature. Together, they squealed into a melee of swarming bugs, charging Orks, and magical fire. Screams and body parts rained from the sky. Doomer put them on a collision course with a group of bugs. Twilight’s teeth chattered in her head as she tried to aim her gun, and everypony else struggled to do the same. The truck sped up, rattling so hard it sounded like it was about to fall apart without any help. “Stop!” Rarity shrieked. “Go!” Doomer cried. He smashed into a bug so hard it exploded. Rainbow Dash fired her weapon, the bullets scattering in uneven bursts. Rarity closed her eyes and shot at the sky. Bugs closed in. Twilight took aim and fired her own weapon, yelping at the feel and heat but happy to have hit her mark. The bug jerked and twisted as bullets tore its arms from its body and its jaw from its face. “Ya!” Doomer cried. “Na do it again!” The bugs regrouped, and one cast its own spell. A red ball of lightning struck the truck and sent it spinning. Everypony screamed. Fluttershy and Rarity both closed their eyes and returned fire, mostly hitting the ground but startling the oncoming monster long enough for Doomer to right the truck. Once it was back on its six wheels and only jumping somewhat, Pinkie Pie lined up a shot and fired her party cannon. A twisting wall of fire exploded from the party toy, striking the bug and melting it into a pool of glass. “Ya!” Doomer cried again. “Boostah shootah! Boostah shootah!” “Twilight!” Pinkie cried. “He broke my party cannon!” “Oooooh,” Twilight said. She flew to the gun and stuck her head in the barrel. It looked like a party cannon and not a shootah. “I wonder how.” Her voice echoed hollow around her ears. “What if I can never shoot confetti again? What if I accidentally blow up every house in Ponyville? What if—” “Shut up and help!” Applejack said. She took aim at the remaining bug and fired. Her weapon spat a gout of flame far across the battlefield, engulfing the bony monster and continuing on to two more much further behind. They screamed and fell, their legs twitching in the air. With another cry of “Waahg!” Doomer sped away from the encroaching horde of bugs to an equally-sized horde of Orks. The green-skinned creatures waved as they drove by, many shooting randomly into the sky or making lewd gestures with their hands. Doomer laughed, though none of the ponies quite understood what was so funny. Most of the Orks that waved wore blue clothing in some fashion, though the shade never quite stayed the same. Light blue shoulder pads paired with dark blue wrists and teal pants. A few wore purple and walked as if no one could see them. Those that offered rude gestures tended to prefer red or yellow. The different gangs all stuck together, and when fights broke out, the brawls were always color-coded. Smaller, ugly creatures ferried weapons and ammo between the groups, not part of any one color yet beneath all of them. The entire army smelled like if every bad smell in Equestria was somehow left to mold over in a swamp. “Ugh,” Rarity said. “This is dreadful.” It was hard to tell if she was talking about the smell or Ork fashion sense. “What are those things?” Applejack asked, pointing to the smaller creatures. They shambled around on skinny bodies with long arms and even longer, bat-like ears. Those that wore clothes looked dirtier than those without. Doomer cocked a green eyebrow. “Why daan’t ya know your own critters, critter? They’re grots!” “Excuse me?” Doomer laughed. “Ya an’ ya,” he pointed to Rarity and Applejack, “are Grots. Ugly ta.” Dirty, and hair a mess, Rarity adopted a look of pure indignation. “I sir, am not ugly!” The Ork shrugged. He poked Twilight on the shoulder, who jumped and almost unleashed a storm of bullets into a passing group of red-clad orks. “Deathskull. ‘Ow come ya ‘ang aahht wif aw these ugly critters when ya could beat ‘em and take their teeth?” “What?” “Deathskulls daan’t like Snakebites or Blood Axes.” Doomer offered Fluttershy a strained smile. “Except ya. You’re alweigh’.” Fluttershy flushed. “Thank you, Mr. Doomer.” Eyes bloodshot and glazed over, Twilight laughed so hard she almost fell off truck. “Oh my gosh, Doomer! I get it!” She turned to look at all her friends, who offered less-than-enthused expressions. Twilight’s smile mimicked the one she wore before her magic bucket left them stranded. “I know why we’re here, everypony!” “Why?” Applejack asked. “These Orks have a friendship problem!”