I told Fluttershy to give me a moment as I retreated from the room, hearing a concerned and confused ‘ok’ from her before I left. I went up to the bathroom, draping a towel over the mirror as I sat down on the toilet. My chest felt tight and hurt with each erratic breath I take; I was short of breath and borderline heaving, a sensation like pins and needles stabbed every inch of my body and took over my senses as I couldn't stop shaking.
I’m extremely familiar with this feeling, though it had been so long since I’d experienced so severely that I’d nearly forgotten: This was anxiety.
I’ve had serious anxiety for most of my life, yet another persistent problem from my days in that village. It got much better when I fell down Mt. Ebott, but it never really went away. Some days it was barely even there, others I was on the very edge of an anxiety attack, something I’ve fortunately only experienced a handful of times. It only flared up in big crowds or when I was being expected to do something, which explained why it decided to hit me now!
It wasn't that I was afraid of meeting new ponies or going to new places, it was more that I stood out so much. Back in the village anytime I left my...where I lived, I was glared at by everyone who lived there for my eyes and various other reasons. Sometimes they’d throw things or say things, which was preferable to the look they gave me.
Disgust, hatred, occasionally pity, and so many other emotions in their cold stares that drilled a gaping hole in my soul, one that would never leave and that I could never forget. In this world I’m a different species than most, and when I enter Ponyville that’s the first thing they’ll notice. Maybe it won’t be hatred or pity, curiosity and interest instead, but the feeling was the same.
All those eyes staring at me.
All those eyes watching me, curious what I’ll do next.
When it comes down to it, it wasn't that different. My mind knew that these pony people wouldn’t hurt me and didn't carry an ounce of disdain towards me, they knew not of the evil humans are. But my body and my emotions couldn’t tell a difference, and that’s why I sat on the toilet of Mother Nature’s home about to throw up.
“It’s fine...you’re fine….everythings fine!” I said through gritted teeth, trying to force myself to calm down.
It was been much worse than this before, this was tolerable, if only a minor distraction. My heart beat began sounding less like a drum and more like a distant echo in a cave, my shallow breathing finally coming down to a level where it didn’t sound like I’d just run for an hour. I couldn’t fall apart, not here, not now. This wasn't something to be afraid of, in fact, I should see this as an opportunity!
I’ve been saying that this is my chance to reinvent myself, to become a better person, even if I didn’t deserve it. I need to pretend I’d forgotten my last life like I told Fluttershy, which meant trying to let go of my baggage. The one I want to get rid of the most was my crippling fear of touching others, and it was by far the hardest with how deeply ingrained it is in me, but I have to try. First, I just need to get them to trust me. That’ll be the hardest part to getting them to like me. I’ll put on my best front.
I got to my feet and took a deep breath, repeating ‘It’s fine, I’m fine’ to myself over and over like a mantra until I believed it. I barely even noticed that I had been clutching desperately to my pendant, I loosened my grip on it and closed my eyes, thinking of the tune Toriel used to hum when she was baking pie. I found it impossible then to be anxious or upset at all, and recalling it now brought on a soothing sense of nostalgia that had a similar effect.
I left the bathroom, taking the towel off the mirror and placing it back on the towel rack.
“Are you okay?” Fluttershy asked, her voice thick with concern as she worriedly held her hands against her chest.
“Yeah, just....needed to be alone for a moment.” I responded solemnly as I walked back down the stairs. “I’m ready to go if you are. It’s just that I’m…” I rubbed the back of my head awkwardly as I tried to come up with something. “Really bad in crowds.”
Not a lie, just had to hope she didn’t ask me why. Angel tugged on the end of my jeans, I pet him to try to convince him I’m ok.
I don’t think it worked, I’m not even really convinced myself.
“I understand. I almost hate to admit it, but I’m terrible when it comes to other ponies.” Fluttershy said as she walked up to me, her body relaxing a bit but still keeping her gaze fixed on me. “Even around my friends it’s hard for me to speak up and I can’t help but feel a little scared. Around ponies I don’t know, I can barely talk and I shake like a leaf.”
She chuckled like she was telling a joke, but I can make out the nervous undertone behind it. I wouldn't claim to understand someone I basically just met, but from the way she bit the corner of her lip and her jaw clenched, I guessed it was something she hated having to deal with more than anything else. For me, well…’bullying’ really wasn't the right word, but that was what it was. I knew from what she told me last night that ponies in this world were capable of that kind of cruelty, though I doubt to the extent that humans could be.
I wouldn't ask her about it. The last thing I want to be is nosy. Curious, yes, not nosy.
If I could help it.
“However, the ponies in Ponyville are some of the nicest I’ve ever met, I’ve watched them forgive somepony who threatened to take over Equestria. They make mistakes sometimes, but…” She reaches her right hand towards me, then stopped right before it touches me, receding and letting it hang at her side awkwardly. “‘Everypony there is good and won’t hurt me’. I tell myself that every time I go there, and it rings a little more true each time. I know my words aren’t enough to convince you, so please, just trust me.”
She gave me a warm and gentle smile, one which the genuineness behind it could not be faked. It was nothing more than a small uplift of her lips, yet the impact was huge. I couldn’t entirely believe her words, fear wa never rational, but I could believe that she wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.
As I hesitantly relaxed and allowed the relief to wash over me, I dropped my gaze to Angel. He remained at about ankle level. I picked him up and held him to my chest, his soft body felt like placing an ice cube on myself during a really hot day.
“Can...I bring Angel as my emotional support animal?”
I tried to ask it in a joking way, but it ended up coming out a lot more desperate than I wanted it to. I hate how weak and childish it made me seem.
“Of course. If it makes you feel better, it took me weeks before I could leave without a flock of birds following me. There’s no shame.”
I pondered on her words as I tightened my grip on Angel. I moved him around and held him like a baby in my arms, giving him an absent minded belly scratch. He didn’t seem to like it that much, must be more of a dog thing.
“...Ok.” I muttered silently, Fluttershy waited patiently until I answered.
The trip to Ponyville itself wasn’t stressful or even that long, maybe five minutes at most. The scenery was as beautiful as I expected it to be, though sadly there were less and less animals the closer we got. Fluttershy walked by my side, staying a fair distance and out of my personal bubble. I noticed she steadily got a little more rigid as we walked, her wings fidgeting like she wanted to either fly away or use them to cover her body and cower, I couldn’t tell which.
Angel himself was...styling my hair? I couldn’t see it and couldn’t say for sure, but he was jumping between my shoulders with impressive agility, and a very uncomfortable, but not painful, tug on my hair followed each time. I didn't know what he was doing with it or why, but it kept it out of my face so I was going to choose not to complain or stop him. I’m going to be getting my haircut anyway, so it didn’t make a difference.
Ponyville itself was much bigger than I expected or had ever seen. The village I lived in could support maybe fifty at max, though I knew there were much bigger that could hold more. But this? It had more buildings than I could see, and so much better built it made where I used to live look like Fluttershy’s shed in comparison. Not to mention it has rivers with bridges, it was clean, and I could even make out a huge farm not that far from it!
I stopped as my jaw opened, staring in astonishment at the sheer size of the place. I was expecting a few dozen ponies, but could probably house thousands of them! My heart began to palpitate and my entire body froze as I imagined thousands of pairs of eyes leering into my very soul, time seemed to distort as that nightmarish picture flashed in my mind. My anxiety hit me hard, my knees buckled and gave out as I collapsed, I winced as every hair on my body stood straight.
Luckily, there wasn't around to see. Angel halted whatever he was doing and jumped on the ground in front of me, his small eyes looking up at me worriedly as he tried to think of what to do. Fluttershy reacted without hesitation, crouching down in front of me and wrapping one of her near angelic wings around me. The contact made my entire body tense up, but compared to the overwhelming unease, it wasn't much. It also helped that with how soft and gentle her wings were, it was easy for me to think they weren't even a part of her. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine it as an extremely soft blanket, which helped immensely.
“Hey...it’s ok. It’s ok, no one’s going to hurt you.” She said in a silvery and soft tone, choosing her words carefully and speaking in a tone reminiscent of my real mother. “I promise, as long as I’m here, nothing’s going to happen.” She inhaled deeply as she rubbed my back with her wing, I tried to focus on the sound of her voice and the warm feeling of her touch.
“If….it’s ok with you,” Her tone suddenly shifted to a much more hesitant and nigh desperate one, prompting me to open my eyes. I was so focused on myself that I didn’t even notice Fluttershy, her entire body shook and her lower lip quivered. She’s incredibly anxious too, worrying about me probably didn’t make it any better, I felt a tinge of guilt at how selfish I’m being right now. Her hand was outstretched, offered to me, but it shook like the rest of her body.
“You can hold my hand. It might help.”
“I….I could,” I tried to relax my grip on the necklace, but I couldn’t, it was almost like a muscle cramp. “I c-could hurt you.”
She responded with an Angel-tier adorable giggle. “Chara, I massage a bear and also work as his chiropractor. I can take some strong squeezing.”
If anyone else had said that I would have thought it ridiculous, but considering I’ve met the bear she’s talking about, I found it believable. “Wouldn’t that...be embarrassing?”
The butter-colored pegasus lightly touched my free hand, I reflexly recoiled and bit my lip immediately after, more guilt striking me at reacting that way to her help. A few tense moments passed by as her hand hovered over mine, which I held to my chest like a wounded animal.
“...Chara.” She whispered in that motherly tone of hers, reaching once more for my other hand. She gently pulled it towards her, slowly lacing our fingers together. After each one, she waited a few seconds for me to respond. When I didn’t, she continued, until our hands were completely interlocked.
When she touched me, my stomach dropped and the inside of my cheeks turned sour like I was going to throw up. A tiny voice in the back of my head told me to get as far away as possible, my fear screaming that she was going to hurt me. I clenched my teeth and choked it down the best I could. I didn’t want to be a slave to my emotions, not anymore. Not ever again.
“What’s embarrassing about helping a friend?”
Her words were like a revelation that made me feel stupid for not realizing myself. ‘Friend’. Only one person has called me that before, and despite how that turned out, I know what it meant to be called someone’s friend. To me, a friend was someone you can trust, that was why being called one impacted me in a way very few things could.
Fluttershy...trusts me? I’m a stranger, she even caught me in a lie. Despite that...she trusts me? An indescribable heat overcame the chilling anxiety, and I found myself able to breath again.
There was no judgement in her eyes, no fear as she looked into mine, just kindness.
I glanced at our interlocked hands; mine was sweaty and I couldn’t relax at all or stop shaking, hers was firm and soft without any sign of wavering. As much as I couldn’t stand the feeling, I remained incredibly tense during the physical contact. Simultaneously, my anxiety receded into the very depths of my mind. ‘Safe’ wasn't the right word, reassured fit more. My body couldn’t trust Fluttershy, but my mind could.
She wouldn’t hurt me, because she’s my friend, and that was all I needed to hear.
“Thank you.” I whispered as I gripped her hand, getting to my feet.
I couldn’t get rid of the rigid tension that filled every bone in my body, but that was something I could tolerate. The comfort Fluttershy gave me with her touch made it worth it.
The rest of the trip through Ponyville, while I couldn’t shake some apprehension that didn’t want to leave, was nice. Angel hopped back on my shoulder and continued to do...whatever he was doing with my hair, now with a noticeable hesitation like he was watching out of concern while doing it.
Every now and again, I’d glance at her, my cheeks a darker shade of red than normal from the embarrassment of us holding hands like mother and child. She actually looked more...relaxed? Before it was obvious she was nervous, but when we started holding hands there weren’t any signs of it. Her wings weren’t twitching anymore and her lips weren’t quivering, in fact there was no emotion on her face at all except a tiny, content smile. She didn’t even react to how tightly I was squeezing her hand. Which, to be fair, I could attribute to my bones being less dense than theirs.
There weren't nearly as many pony people around as I thought there’d be, maybe most of them are busy? The few that were around didn’t outright stare at me which I appreciated, but they curiously peeked like they were trying to see something behind a curtain. They clearly wanted to know who and what I was, and probably why I am holding hands with Fluttershy. If Rainbow was anything to go by, those three that I saved told others here that I helped them and how ‘awesome’ I was. While I know they were trying to paint a good picture of me, there were always those few that get afraid, and they had every right to be.
Also thanks to Rainbow Dash, I couldn’t get rid of the childish insecurity that they were staring at my ears. Sure mine didn’t point upward and weren’t covered in really soft fur, but they weren't that weird...right?
“We’re here.” Fluttershy suddenly stated as we stopped in front of a building.
The building itself was massive and very decorative. About two stories tall with the bottom part being the widest, getting skinnier as it went farther up, somewhat resembling a wedding cake. Various kinds of patterns and ribbons of bright yellow, blue, and pink, even some hearts sprinkled in. It honestly resembled an extremely fancy dress rather than a building, whoever decorated this must have put a lot of effort into making it look good, and it showed as the color combination was somewhat pleasing to the eyes.
The things that stuck out the most were two pony weathervanes on the front, which I found odd as the only weathervanes I’d seen before were of animals. A red flag on top, and the two windows on the front.
“This is where my friend Rarity lives. She’s very nice, but she can be....” Fluttershy let go of my hand, shifting her eyes to the side as she tapped her finger against her chin. “Passionate. She’s going to ask you a lot of questions at once and you’re going to feel overwhelmed, I promise she means well.”
I felt a strange emptiness when her hand left mine, mixed with a tinge of relief at the breaking of physical contact. My body finally relaxed, but without that constant reassurance it became harder to keep my mind straight. I immediately started thinking that maybe Rarity wouldn’t like me, first impressions were always incredibly important.
I watched as she knocked on the door, my throat getting suddenly dry as my body reminded me I still haven’t drank anything. Angel got off from my shoulders onto Fluttershy’s, apparently done with my hair. My curiosity got the better of me as I peered into one of the windows, my reflection showing me what he did. Luckily it was one of those windows that gave more of an outline of my reflection than a mirror, so I could look at just my hair and not my eyes.
He...braided my hair. My hair had never been braided before, not like this, especially since I stopped letting it grow out a long time ago. He did so exceptionally well for a creature with such adorably small paws, it made me think he did much more than just fix Fluttershy’s mane. He somehow pulled it all back into one big braid, or maybe I was just too distracted by the embarrassment and anxiety to notice. With the added benefit of no stray strands of hair getting in my eyes, which I’m fairly sure was intentional.
I turned to thank Angel, my appreciation never left my mouth as the door opened. The pony that opened it was...flamboyant fit but didn't quite do her justice. The first thing I noticed was that her coat was pure white like sheep wool, complimented by azure eyes that practically sparkled with life, and dark purple hair that was both luscious and spiraled in a way that made it obvious she put a lot of effort into styling it. I could also see a spiraled horn sticking out prominently from her forehead, telling me she’s a unicorn.
Not only was she a natural beauty, she also had an eye catching fashion sense and knew how to make herself stand out more than she already did. Black eyeliner, bright blue eyeshadow, and eyelashes that made her eyes pop. Her ears pierced with what I think were diamonds, and a shoulderless, teal top that ended at a belt with a gem shaped buckle. A purple long skirt that went down to her knees, light brown stockings covering the rest of her legs as I could just barely make out heart shaped garters at the top of them. Topped off by pink high heels that glittered.
I’m honestly not one that really cares too much how attractive someone is, but even I could tell she’s drop dead gorgeous. Even without all that makeup and clothes she’d easily turn heads. Rarity couldn’t be a more fitting name, even in this world someone as stunning as her would be a hard task to find.
“Fluttershy! So nice to see you so soon again darling!” She said with exaggerated excitement, an accent in her voice that didn’t sound entirely genuine. She embraced Fluttershy in a tight hug, one with so much affection and care it almost made me nostalgic. “And I assume this is the brave soul who saved my dear-”
As Rarity pulled out of the hug and turned towards me, she paused, her eyes widening slightly as her sight landed on me. Surprise wasn’t quite the look in her eyes, more like...intrigued? Curiosity? It actually reminded me a lot of Twilight when she learned I could talk, though at least then I knew why. Rarity walked up to me wordlessly, staring not into my eyes, but focused on something else.
I really hoped it wasn’t my ears.
“Your mane…” I heard her mumble, an undertone of fascination in her voice. She brought her left hand forward and stroked my hair, then ran her fingers through it. “It’s...beautiful, I haven’t seen this shade naturally in quite a while. I know mare’s who would kill for a mane this long and straight. Are you sure you want to cut this?” She asked in disbelief, her mouth agape as she glanced up at me questioningly.
Her sudden touch made my entire body freeze, clenching my hands into fist as I tried to resist the urge to jump back. “Y-yeah...I don’t like how it gets into my eyes and-”
“Your eyes?” she asked as she squinted at my face, then widening like she’d just noticed some major detail that’d been in her face. “Oh yes, your eyes!”
She suddenly cupped the sides of my face, her grip soft but firm as she steadied my head. She got close enough to where I could feel her breath on my face, blinking rapidly as she looked into my eyes.
A crippling wave of nausea hit me, I found myself unable to breath and my entire body shook violently. I closed my eyes, but darkness wasn’t what awaited me..
He was.
I could almost smell the alcohol coming from his wretched mouth, a hand around my throat so iron-tight no air could escape. My feet off the ground as he held me, a disgusted sneer on his face like my very existence made him sick to his stomach.
“Why the fuck won’t you just die already? You demonic parasite!”
My eyes shot open, an extremely worried expression on Rarity’s face as she let go of me, her lips moving but I couldn’t hear what she said over my own blood flowing. Fluttershy had put her hand on Rarity, I think she had tried to stop her from getting too close to me, but was too late.
I stumbled back onto the ground, that memory so vivid I was almost convinced I had actually been sent back there. My body was absolutely drenched in cold sweat as I sat on the ground, tears and darkness in the corner of my eyes as I could hear nothing but my own erratic breaths and heartbeat. I squeezed the pendant so desperately that if it had any sharp edges I’d be bleeding, I stared at the center of the ground and dared not look anywhere else.
I wanted to scream, but couldn’t bring myself to. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t feel my legs, I pressed one hand against my eye as a headache threatened to overtake everything and my eyes pulsated painfully. I was close to passing out, to giving in to the panic and anxiety and slipping into unconsciousness.
I was snapped out by Fluttershy, once again wrapping me in her wings to comfort me. She’s reluctant to touch me with anything but her wings, which was a level of concern I appreciated more than I could put into words. Angel hopped onto my lap, pressing a paw against me and trying to help me.
She didn’t say anything, she didn’t have to. Their help was enough to remind me. I wasn’t in that village or near him, he’s long dead. I wasn’t in The Underground either. I’m in Ponyville, and here I didn’t need to be afraid.
I’d keep telling myself that until I believe it, just like everything else.
I also tried to ignore the shame at the fact that this was my first time in Ponyville and I’ve already almost had two breakdowns. I’d get better, I had to.
“Thanks.” I mutter as I wipe my face.
Fluttershy retracted her wings and gave me a patient smile as I got to my feet. Rarity stood in front of me, a guilty expression on her face.
“Are you ok? I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m terribly sorry.”
The exuberance in her voice was gone, filled instead with a thick regret. Her apology was real, not like I blamed her in the first place. I had somewhat expected Fluttershy would have told her I didn’t like being touched, but Fluttershy also seemed the type who didn’t like talking about other people’s problems.
“It’s fine. I just…” I picked up Angel and began to pet him. “Don’t like being touched. What were you doing, anyway?”
I found myself calming down a little more every time I felt his soft fur in between my fingers, even more so with Fluttershy standing beside me like she was guarding me.
“Oh, I was just...admiring your eyes.” She responded with a surprising amount of timidness in her voice. I was starting to feel bad for how bad she felt about it.
“Admiring...my eyes?” I had a sudden urge to touch one of my eyes, but one of my hands had a bunny in it, and the other one was petting him. No one had ever said anything nice about my eyes before, I’d been around so many other monsters who had red eyes that they weren’t anything special.
“Yes, they’re an extremely rare shade that I don’t get to see often. Yours in particular are very fetching and contrast perfectly with your hair, I’m already thinking of dozens of dresses you could wear that would make you fabulous!”
I could see what Fluttershy meant when she said Rarity was passionate. The second she started talking about fashion that light in her eyes came back, which made sense considering she ran a boutique. What really startled me was what she said about my eyes. Was that...a compliment? I don’t think I’ve ever been complimented before, not even Asriel said anything about me being pretty. I’m a girl but I never cared about being appealing or cute. Even if I did, I’d always thought my eyes made me ugly, that was what I’d been told over and over.
Being told they were attractive? That someone didn’t hate me for them? It made me feel something warm in my chest as I smirked, I couldn’t explain why.
“Thank you, you’re the first to compliment my eyes.” I said with as much sincerity in my voice as I could muster.
“Really? But...They’re so beautiful, and I-oh silly me! I forgot that you came here for clothes and a manecut, would you like to come in?”
Rarity stopped in the middle of what she was saying, gesturing to the door she left open. I kind of forgot what I came here for too, not that I’m in any particular rush. I walked in with Angel in my hands and Fluttershy behind me, a little taken aback by how the inside looked.
It was about as fancy and decorated as the outside. Various shades of pink curtains, hearts, and a light purple floor. Lots of mirrors in the room, which included the left side with chairs, so I’m guessing that’s where the hair gets cut. The right side had a small, circular stage with a flower pattern on it and three large mirrors. I think that was for taking measurements and seeing how certain clothes looked, which meant I’d be having to go up there.
Other than some stairs in the back, the only other thing in the room that stuck out to me were...mannequins in the shape of ponies. So...ponyquins? They kind of creeped me out. Due to previous experiences with inanimate objects like those, I’m going to opt to stay away from them if I can help it.
“Now, allow me to introduce myself!”
I turned around, seeing Rarity with one hand on her hip and the other prominently on her chest paired with a wide smile on her face. “I am the eternally beautiful Rarity, The Element of Generosity and the owner of this Carousel Boutique!” she spread her arms to the side to signal to the building we were in, showing me she’s just as confident and proud of the building as herself.
I raised my eyebrow when she mentioned that she’s The Element of Generosity, these ‘Elements of Harmony’ were something I couldn’t help but be curious about. From what I’ve heard, they reminded me of the seven traits Gaster would go over every now and again, though there were seven of those and six Elements according to Rainbow. Kindness in particular was the same name as the trait here, whether that was a coincidence or not was something I’ll have to figure out from Twilight.
“It’s a delight to meet you! I promise I’ll make you absolutely shine.”
Rarity was about to extend her hand to shake, but pulled it back almost immediately. I was about to tell her shaking hands was fine, but that would be awkward and I’m trying my best to get better socially now that I’m the one talking.
“I don’t really want to ‘shine’. I just want to cut my hair and get some new clothes, I’d prefer not to stand out.”
“Not stand out!? My dear, not to be the bearer of bad news, but you're an entirely different species that nopony has ever seen before. If you must stand out, then why not for all the best reasons? With your absolutely stunning eyes and your beautiful mane, it'd be absolutely dreadful to think you'd want to waste a single ounce of your natural beauty by merely blending in."
I knew that, but hearing it be stated like it was an obvious fact made my heart drop. I hated that she was right. I’m just thankful that there weren’t more ponies out, or I don’t think I would have made it here even with Fluttershy and Angel’s help.
“Believe me, I’m aware, but that’s why I don’t want to dress up. I want to fit in, please.”
I spoke with a bit of desperation, my voice quieter than I intended it to be. More than anything I just wanted to go back to Fluttershy’s and fall asleep in Harry’s warm embrace. I could recognize that Rarity was trying to be nice to me and help me in her own way, and I’m already grateful that she’s willing to do so free of charge, but making myself look pretty and drawing attention?
That’s not me, and it never could be.
“But…” she sighed dejectedly, lowering her arms limply to her sides and briefly closing her eyes. “I understand, I’ll make you something casual. Just promise me if you want to make yourself as exquisite as I’m sure you can be, you’ll come to me first?”
She held her hands together like she was begging, her eyes opening and widening in what I could only describe as ‘puppy dog eyes’. I’m somewhat immune to any attempts of being cute that come from things that aren’t innocent animals, but it did make it harder for me to say no.
“I promise.” I responded with some reluctance.
She let out a delighted squeal, extending one of her fingers as a gesture for me to wait. “Just let me get my measuring tape.”
She went behind a gate, Angel hopped out of my hands and into Fluttershy’s as she walked up to me. “She’s a bit overwhelming, but she only has good intentions. Rarity is one of my closest friends. You can trust her, Chara.”
The problem was, I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be called trust issues if I could trust others that easily.
“I’m trying. It’d be easier if she was less...touchy.”
She came back in as soon as I said that, her horn lit up and a roll of measuring tape surrounded in a light blue aura hovering beside her. Rarity also now donned a pair of red reading glasses, which I genuinely wasn’t expecting her to wear since it didn’t go with the rest of her outfit.
“If you’d kindly get on the stage, I assure you this won’t take long.”
I slipped my backpack off and placed it on the ground beside the stage, stepping up on it and facing opposite the mirrors. Rarity didn’t question it, levitating the tape up to me and extending it.
“Stretch out your arms please.”
I did, extending them outward like I’m trying to pretend to be a tree. Fortunately, she didn’t actually have to touch me to measure me, it could be summed up as her pressing it against my body at various angles and me flinching because of the sudden pressure and cold. She made a humming noise every now and again, but otherwise stayed silent as she took my measurements. The only time anything changed is when she noticed the blood stain on my shoulder, I have no idea how she didn’t notice it earlier.
She understandably grimaced out of disgust at it, but didn’t react to much else. When she got behind me I heard her sharply inhale, I got the impression she wanted to say something but didn’t quite know how to say it.
“Chara…” I felt the tape hovering behind me as it stopped. “From the bottom of my heart, thank you for saving Sweetie. If something had happened to her...I don’t know what I’d do.”
It took me a second to understand what she was saying, until I remembered Fluttershy mentioning that Rarity would be more than willing to help me because I saved her sister. I thought about it a bit and realized one of those three in the woods had a coat that was the same shade of white as Rarity, so I’m guessing that was Sweetie.
“No need to thank me, really. I only saved them so they would lead me somewhere safe, I don’t deserve any praise for it.”
As soon as I said that, out of the corner of my eyes I saw Fluttershy frown disapprovingly. She opened her mouth like she wanted to say something, then closed it.
“Now, now, there’s no need to be modest. You put yourself in huge danger to save them. And from what Fluttershy’s told me about how beat up you were before Twilight healed you, you went much further for them if you really were just in it for yourself.” she went back to measuring me, her voice somewhat more upbeat. “If you don’t mind, can you tell me about yourself? I’ve found I make clothes much better the more I know you, and I’ll admit I’m curious. I’ve only met one other creature from The Everfree Forest that could talk, and he’s a delight!”
“There’s...not much to tell, I have amnesia. I woke up in that forest with a backpack, heard their screams and decided to help them, and now I’m here.” I paused as I tried to suppress a shudder, my deaths remained fresh in my mind almost like they just happened. “All I know is my name, that I’m a human, I can speak your language, and that I think I’m about twelve years old.”
Rarity didn’t say anything about the amnesia, which meant Fluttershy didn’t tell her. Not that I expected she would have, I was just paranoid that someone’s going to see through my lies, I’ve never been good at it.
However, when I finished her entire body tensed up. “T-twelve? That’s younger than Sweetie Belle! Are you sure that’s your age? You look older than that, maybe…” She stopped as she got back in front of me, briefly scanning my face and then my body with a near inquisitive expression. “Nineteen? Are humans a species that mature very quickly?”
I couldn’t exactly correct her, I didn’t know my actual age. While there are similarities with pony people and humans, I didn’t know if they had the lifespans of humans or if it was different, all I could do is improvise. “Not sure, amnesia. Twelve is just the first number that comes to mind.”
“That doesn’t quite-” She cut off mid sentence, her eyes widening as they focused on my chest. “And what is this marvelous piece of jewelry? I haven’t seen a necklace like this before.”
Her magic surrounded the pendant and lifted it upward as she examined it. I bit the inside of my cheek as my hand clenched, I struggled not to just reflexively grab it. “I…woke up with that, I’m not sure either.”
Fluttershy noticed my distress, walking up and placing a hand on Rarity’s shoulder. “Rarity, she doesn’t know. Why don’t you ask her about the clothes you’re making for her?”
She frowned for a moment, then the light around the necklace vanished as she placed the measuring tape in her hand. “You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just...when I heard that you were wearing clothes I thought that meant there was a species in that forest that had a sense of fashion! I was excited to make an entire line with a theme based on it, but if you have amnesia, I suppose there isn’t much that can be done about it.”
She took the glasses off and looked up at me. “Now, what would you like me to make for you? I was thinking perhaps something pearl white to go with your hair? Or maybe a royal blue to go with your eyes? Oh you would look dashing in a black blouse with-”
“Actually...I was hoping you could just make a copy of these clothes, if that’s alright?” I didn’t like interrupting people, but if she kept going with a bunch of flashy color combinations she’d just be more disappointed. “I don’t doubt your judgment that I would look good with other colors, but right now I’d rather just wear something I’m used to.”
She went slackjaw, surprised like I said something in an entirely different language. “Truly? But yellow and green is so...bland.”
Rarity put much more emphasis in that than I felt was necessary. Then again, she’s a tailor who could make high quality clothes and I’m asking her to make something that’s probably dull by her standards, so I can’t really blame her for being shocked.
“Maybe, but I don’t really mind that.”
“If that’s what you want.” she pouted as she said that, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. “I assume you’re wearing underwear, what about for those?”
“You can make those whatever you like, not like anyone but me is going to see them.”
Something about the way that she smirked unnerved me, I’d almost describe it as devilish. “I can work with that. Give me…” She glanced to the side as her lips moved wordlessly like she was counting something to herself. Then she put up her hand with all of her fingers extended. “Five minutes.”
Rarity went back into the backroom behind the stage, the only sound was her singing something. I stepped off the stage, scrunching my forehead perplexed at what she’s doing. “What’s she doing back there?”
“Making your clothes.” Fluttershy responded in a matter of fact tone.
I turned towards her. “Wait...already? Doesn’t that take time? I expected it to take at least a day before I’d get them.”
“Not for Rarity. She’s made several sets of clothing in a single night, and she really wants to pay you back for saving her sister. If she says she can make your clothes in five minutes, I believe her.”
If it were anyone but Fluttershy I’d find that hard to believe, but she said it with such sincerity and a genuine smile on her face that it even made me believe she could do it. “Wow, you really have a lot of trust in her.”
“I trust all of my friends, Chara. You too.”
Her voice lowered as she said that, walking up to me with Angel on her shoulder. I don’t know how, but he somehow managed to fall asleep on her shoulder. I found myself jealous of how peaceful he looked.
“Why did you tell her you only saved them for yourself? I know that’s not true Chara, you aren’t selfish like that.”
I paused as I brought my hand up to my chest, clutching the pendant as I tried to think of a response. “Because the last thing I want people to think I am is a hero. I’m not and never will be…” I closed my eyes as I pictured Asriel’s face. “I learned that the hard way.”
I whispered the last part in a harsh tone, I’m not sure if she heard it or not. I saw her extend her hand out of the corner of my eyes, but she pulled it back and held it against her chest, her eyebrows knitted and lips shaking in concern. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Whatever happened to you that you don’t want to talk about...you can tell me.”
“I can’t tell you, if I did….you’d hate me.”
“Chara, I could never hate you.”
I opened my eyes and scoffed, letting go of my necklace and turning away from her. “I wish I could believe that, but I can’t. Especially when I’ve heard it before.”
I heard Fluttershy sharply gasp behind me, taking a breath like she wanted to say something, but stopped herself. Hopefully she could tell that this wasn't something I wanted to talk about right now, certainly not here.
“~I’m dooooone!~”
Rarity came back soon, singing in an actually very impressive opera-like voice. There was a pile of clothes identical to mine hovering behind her shrouded in her magic, neatly folded from smallest to largest. She began walking towards us, noticing the awkward tension in the room immediately.
“Is everything ok?” She asked hesitantly as she lowered the clothes to the ground beside the stage.
“Ye-”
“Everything’s fine Rarity. We’re just...worried about Twilight. We need to visit her after this so she can see if Chara has any magical capabilities.”
I found myself stunned. Both because Fluttershy interrupted me, and because her lie was...actually convincing and not entirely false, I actually completely forgot about the whole ‘attuning’ thing with Twilight.
“Oh yes, I briefly recall her saying something about that. Don’t be worried. When it comes to magic, Twilight is the best unicorn I’ve met. Though I do wish she would get out more. She spends far too much time inside for a mare her age.”
Rarity used her magic to pull out something from between the clothes, I recognized them as a pair of scissors and a comb. “All that’s left is for me to cut your mane. I do hate that I have to ruin such well done styling however. Follow me.”
She walked over to the line of mirrors and chairs on the left side of the room, patting on one and gesturing for me to sit down. A wave of nervousness hit me as I realized I had little choice but to look at my reflection. I sat down and tried to focus on Rarity’s reflection and not mine, but that proved a bit difficult with how much she moved around.
“How would you like me to cut it? I’m more of a styler than a barber, but I’m sure I can manage.”
I brought my hand up to my neck, which wasn’t easy without looking. “Can you just cut everything below here? I prefer it to be short.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to do anything with it?”
“I’m sure.”
She unbraided my hair and started cutting it. With each audible snip, followed by the feeling of some of my hair leaving my head and hitting the ground, an invisible weight left my shoulders. It was more than just not having to deal with it getting in my face anymore. Having long hair made me absurdly paranoid and worried, and I know why that was.
Hopefully, I’ll never have to explain it.
“I don’t mean to pry, but do you have any plans for today?”
I’d usually be worried if someone tried to have a conversation with me while holding a sharp object near my eyes, but with how easily and professionally she made an entire set of clothes for me, I held little doubt in her.
“Not particularly, no. Rainbow Dash wanted me to come talk to Scootaloo and find someone named Pinkie Pie to lead me to her, but I think I’ll just do that tomorrow. I...don’t do well around others and today has already been overwhelming.”
“Fluttershy was the same way when she first came here. Don’t worry, you’ll fit right in soon, everyone here gets treated as an equal pretty soon. As for Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie…” she combed some of my hair back and then moved to the other side. “You don’t find Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie finds you.” an ominous pause followed that statement as she stopped cutting my hair for a moment, my chest tightened as air felt almost trapped in my throat.
The tension left as soon as I heard the sound of another snip.
“It’s a rare occasion, but I do agree with Rainbow. You should talk to Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom, they feel terrible for getting you hurt because of them. I don’t want them to have to wait another day, but I’d hate to ask you to do something you wouldn’t want to do, so tomorrow it is. Also,” I grunted as she abruptly tugged on my hair, straightening it out and began cutting some of it again. “If you're coming back to Ponyville, I would be more than happy to style your mane for you if you like. I can make you look even more beautiful than you already do. You'll be getting more than a fair amount of attention until the ponies here get used to you, might as well be for the right reasons."
"I'd rather not have any attention at all." I muttered as I struggled to stay as still as possible. "I get that everyone's going to be staring at me because of what I am, but I don't want them to think I want the attention by dressing up."
"Darling, wouldn't you want everypony to see you as pretty as you are? It might even do you some good if you want to make some friends here, and maybe even make you feel better about yourself."
"Not everyone likes attention, Rarity." Fluttershy chimed in. "Remember what happened with Photo Finish?"
"All too well." Rarity whispered solemnly under her breathe, her movements stiffening. "And I apologize again for pushing you into that. However, I just don't want Chara afraid to shine as brightly as her eyes do. It's not like I'm asking her to go on a stage, either. Fashion is the best way to combat insecurities like hers."
"Anxiety doesn't care how big the audience is, and I don't have insecurities either. I just..." I sharply inhaled as I gripped the ends of the chair I'm sitting on. "I don't like being watched, and I really don't like being touched, or just being social at all."
"Oh...oh!" Rarity gasped like she just realized something. "I'm so sorry, Darling. I misunderstood. If that's really how you feel, then it can't be helped. Just know that if you're ever interested, all you have to do is ask."
The rest of the haircut proceeded in silence, which lasted maybe a minute before she stopped, the comb and scissors floating away from my head. Rarity tilted her head slightly as she peered down at my hair, observing it like she was looking for something.
“I did better than I thought I would, given I haven’t cut a mane for a month or so. What do you think?”
I silently gulped. I looked at my reflection, trying to look only at my hair and not my eyes. My hair was exactly how I remembered, not a single out of place curl and going down to my neck. My bangs reaching the spot between my eyebrows but not reaching my eyes. I failed in not looking at them as I began to hear the distant insults of the past.
My hands trembled violently as I bit the corner of my lip, I tried to shut them out. Here, these were not the eyes of a demon, they were just eyes. Crimson eyes that I was born with, crimson eyes that were beautiful.
I tore my gaze away from the mirror, the voices receding, awaiting to be summoned again. Even if that were true and the eyes meant nothing here, I couldn’t escape what they meant before. I promised myself that one day I would be able to look at my reflection without breaking down, I wanted to move past it just like everything else.
I told Fluttershy that I’m going to pretend like I forgot everything, I owe it to her to try.
I put on my best fake smile, an art I had perfected too well, and stood up.
“It’s perfect, thank you.”