//------------------------------// // An alcholholic, and a very quick win // Story: Equestrian Law // by East Coast //------------------------------// That last encounter would haunt me for the rest of my days, but I couldn't think about that now. Right now I had a job to do. To the town hall it was. I didn't really get to admire the scenery as I jetted through the little hamlet this time around, I was much to in a rush, I had to get to town hall. I had to stop... Well... Stalling, I think part of me was dreading trying to take on this case, from what I came to understand about Berry was that she was... Well... A drunk... That's not exactly against the law, nor does it make her any less deserving of representation but... It did virtually destroy her credibility, and as far as this looked, it was the word of guard versus that of a know alcoholic... The only way to know what card I could play would be to find out her story... Which I was dreading would point to her trying to charge a guard with a crime he didn't exactly commit... Or worse, maybe a crime he did commit, and knew that he could get away with... It wasn't common but I'd occasionally see a story where a guard did some questionable things and the only witness or the so called victim was somepony of ill repute... They would usually win... I was really hoping this was just a big misunderstanding... _____________________________________________ "Hey Berry, your lawyer's here!" "About time!" I trotted into the place, and I was actually surprised I hadn't remembered it. This was the same place where Nightmare Moon made her return. And, in a make shift cell was the off magenta pony who had enlisted my aid. "I'm sorry I took so long I was... Gathering evidence..." No chair. Had to stand. "Well why not just come here? There isn't any evidence. Just my word 'gainst his." "... What..." "Well, and a solid five witness' who won't testify." "...What? Ok, uhmm let's just... Uhmm run down the night in question. Tell me everything you told the guards, exactly what you told them... And maybe anything you didn't tell them, but they probably know, I hate surprises." "Ok well it all started last night... No... Two nights ago..." Oh here we go... ________________________________________________________ It was late and me and the girls had gone out partying... "Iiiii think you've had enough to drink B..." "You shult yourb ears... No... Mouth! Yeah, mouth! you shut your legs colgate! I'm not as drunk as I am you think!" "Yeah sure..." Ok yeah I was drunk, but I still could stand! That's better than lots of other times! So then we were about to leave when... "Hey berry, you look pretty tipsy. Need some help?" He touched my ass! Like, blatantly touched my ass! I mean I was a little uneasy but He seriously felt me up! It's ok Berry, just keep going... "Uhhmmm... Hey there polished saber uhmm, we can get her from-" "Nawwww it's ok! Let a guard handle this!" "Listen Saber! We got this! Just step off O.K!" Goodness, Colgate is such a dear isn't she? She was a true friend. Please though, continue... "Or what?" "I'll bleatestfy the pliss out of you ya big-" And then I hit him. Wait... So... You really did hit him? While drunk? Yes. Why? Is that important? Yes! T-The charges against you are assaulting a uniformed guard! He was on duty! No he wasn't... ...What? Yeah. It was after his shift. We were at pinkie pie's social drinkathon... Adults only... No uniforms allowed... Berry... This is very important... Was he in uniform. Even if he wasn't SUPPOSED to be in uniform, was he? No. He came and signed up for the last stallion standing drink-em-up... Big Mac always wins that one... What a fine hunk of- Berry! We've won! But... We haven't even... Don't you need to know the rest of the story? No I don't! And you won't have to! __________________________________ "Berry, do you know what a loop hole is?" "Uhhmmm hold on, don't tell me I know this one..." "It's the lawyers bread and butter. The charges against you are assaulting a uniformed officer, and public drunkenness. The first is the one that could get you a long time in some far off land. The second gets you-" "Eight months probation, supervised outings, and no cyder if you're still on probation, alcoholic or otherwise." She was beaming, she was proud she knew that... I mean... Whatever! I won! "Exactly! You see, no matter how bad you beat this guy up, he wasn't in uniform. Long as he can breathe, you're free to go." "Really? Y-you're joking?" "How bad did you hit this guy?" "Uhmm... I nailed him in the face with my face... And I think I gave him a black eye... So... A dislocated jaw and a black eye..." "Yeah... I have the utmost confidence I can exploit the crap out of this. Thanks Berry, you just litterally brightened up my day!" "Well... You're welcome? When do I get to leave?" "Uhmmm... You may still be here till somepony can post your bail... I can get you out of the charges, but I'm not sure I can get you out of that cell... Does anypony owe you-" "Yeah! Cherry Jubilee! She owes me some royalties from that wine recipe I gave her!" Gave away a wine recipe... D-did she know nothing of business? "Did you give it to her, or did you come to an oral agreement?" "That last one." "Did this get written down anywhere?" "I think Twilight still has the napkin we signed..." Ohhh earth ponies... "I'll look into it. See you soon Ms.Punch." "Yeah, buh-bye." As I fluttered out the doors of the spacious town hall I could swear I heard her comment about a possible wing-boner... Pegasi don't get wing boners... Seriously... We don't... Well... It takes a hell of a mare to inspire a wing boner... ... Leave me alone... ______________________ As it turns out the judge was the mayor, not to surprising, many hamlet towns like ponyville have some kind of tribal chieftain who acts as both leader and judiciary in matters such as this. As ponyville was an earth pony made community I would expect no less. Not that earth ponies are bad... They aren't... I know a few earth ponies... They're o.k with my jokes... "You know, you shouldn't talk to yourself like that." "Ahh! Pinkie!" "Yeah I mean like, it's a pretty poor attempt at forth wall humor." "Forth wall wha-" "So did you find berry?" "Yeah I did she's gonna get off on a-" "Loop!" "Yeah how did you-'" "No! Look! Loop!" She twisted my head around to see a little yellow filly spinning a loop around, and around and around, with a little white unicorn and an orange pegasi on her flank. Not on her flank but, you know, beside her Hey! Can i talk to myself in here too? Hellooooooo~ Echo! Ohhoho it sure is empty in here! Pinkypie?! How in the hell?! So when do things get dark? it's says it's dark and comedy and romance! Soo... Where's the dead fillies? W-Wha-?! I-I don't even- Don't try to meme yourself out of this! Answer the question! Get out of my head! This went on for some time... In infernal agony I argued with pinkpie... In my own head... It was possibly the most terrifying experience of my life... __________________________________________________ After the pinkypie mind rape, I found the mayor. She was in what seemed to be a makeshift judges chambers. It was basically an office that had been done up in leather and mahogany. It was actually quite impressive for the little pony town. "Oh! Hello there! I'm Mayor Mare, or uh. Ahem, Court Magistrate Mare! heho!" I bowed, as per general rules of entering a chamber of a judge... Because generally the judge was a princess and you didn't tend to not bow for one... "Hello your honor, I'm berry punches lawyer. I found a technicality in the charges that I-" "Ohhh I know that! She still has to go to court! I didn't do up my office like this, or buy these judge-y things to not use them! She'll walk on the whole not in uniform thing. but I still want my day in court! We're convened at four sharp! be there, or be square Mr.Carta!" "Uhhmmm Your honor... It's four-thirty..." "Oh my! Go! Go! Shoo! I need to change! You're late!" Why did I need to leave the room for her to put on a black blanket and what looked like an old donkey's wig? I mean... Seriously, that was her supplies, what appeared to be a black blanket or sheet, and a taupe... These ponies are indeed, crazy... Apparently in the all of a minute I had been in the 'judges chambers' the main room of the town hall had been redecorated with benches, and guard ropes to keep civilians back, and a very angry looking berry punch... I fluttered to her side, only slightly ashamed I had kinda lied to her... "You said I wouldn't see the inside of a-" "This isn't a proper courtroom. Don't try to out squirm me. I'm the squirmiest." "The squirmiest?" "The squirmiest..." A big red stallion stepped out from the judges chambers, How did I miss him in there?! I swear He looked like he could have been a cow he was so built... He had a green apple, half eaten or cut in half not sure which, for a cutie mark... Apples... Hmmm... Aeyup... E'ry pony. Uhh, stay standin... The honorable judge; Mayor; Mare will be seein ovah this case... WE LOVE YOU BIG MAC!!!!!!! Aeyup... "Good afternoon everypony." The mayor was standing roughly where nightmare moon stood not too long ago, on a raised balcony that I could only assume had view of the entire... Ugh, courtroom... "Where's the prosecution?" Uhh... Yer honor.. Seein as how ya told them guards that they had no case... They din't botha with a lawyer... What? What?! I looked at berry and she just shrugged at me. I had to deal with cherilee, and a mind rapist for no action in court to blow off this steam?! Not a single Objection?! Not a single cross examination?! ... FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKK!!!