A Journey Beyond Sanity

by Darkwing Dust


Chapter 207: A Light of Tough Love

"Nope." Not hearing another word from this travesty my mentor was spouting from his ethereal muzzle, continuing onwards for my destination with a shake of the head. "All of what you just said; impossible."

Jack, adamantly denying it doesn't mean it never occurred. Came the chided rebuttal of the spiritual Starswirl, whom had just been telling me the events of the most recent episode I was absent for yesterday. Another School of Friendship one, obviously.

Hence why I couldn't be there, and from what I've been gathering by Starswirl's account on things. All the more relieved I wasn't!

"Again, no Starswirl, it didn't happen. It didn't." Just couldn't wrap my head around the sheer incredulity of the idea. My hooves moving up a slope as the mental debate continued.

Myself talking out-loud where anyone could hear and pass me strange glances notwithstanding.

"You're trying to tell me that the [BEEP]ing Tree of Harmony is, somehow, sentient, and provided guidance to those six kids whose existence I keep forgetting about because they're having some dispute about friendship."

Imagine Starswirl was unfazed by the more derision side of my tone. But trust the old unicorn to get defensive over his precious tree. The Tree sensed their doubts towards friendship, and intervened.

Yeah-huh. How convenient it just notices a friendship struggle above while they're doing some essay centred around the Tree of Harmony. "Not to mention that, while threatening to trap them underground forever, but also to face their worst FEARS."

Not only that, but when has it EVER been established throughout the entire history of the show that the Tree was capable of any kind of sentience? Not in season four… Sort of. Certainly not in season seven when it met its original owners again… Didn't it? Would have to rewatch that.

Regardless of which, my point being this, all of these seemed oddly – if we're going with the pretence the Tree was alive in some shape or form – outside the characteristics such a piece of devoted tranquillity would do. Test or not. I refuse to acknowledge any of that happened.

"No, teacher, let me tell you what really happened; the 'Young Six' got overexerted from so much homework Twilight had given and all dreamt of these ridiculous events. After that, they failed for not doing their assignment in time and got detention. The end."

...They had the exact same dream.

"Magic. Power of friendship or some bull[BEEP.] Hell, Luna could have done all that you just shared in said dream as a means of confidence boost." Ah, the school entrance was right there, and I just let myself waltz after hopping casually over the stones to the grand doors. "Point is, it was all a massive fever dream."

Now where was the closest member of staff? Break should be starting right about now if I got my time correctly.

But my former mentor wasn't as quick to change topics. Typical, given that the subject was already far from my mind and dealt with the moment I entered the clean School of Friendship. Why such detest for those young six?

That meant to be a pun? Look I have nothing against them personally, Starswirl. Never mind that their personalities are about as basic and interesting as watching Pinkie Pie learn the wonders of a sauna, but I've already had my share of witnessing diet carbon copies of the Mane Six in another form. I didn't need that again.

They're not entirely alike, Jack. All individuals are unique by their own way.

Oh no? Shall we recap, dear teacher:

Sandbar (That how you say it?): Awkward nerd.

That dragon kid: Cocky flier.

The Yak: Loud and energetic.

Changeling: Kind but shy.

Teenage griffon that looked like he spray-painted his entire body: ...Uhh.

And I forgot entirely what the last among them were.

Silverstream. Oh yeah, the Hippogriff. ALSO loud and energetic by the way. Starswirl hummed in my thoughts as we passed a corner down the blue hall. It sounds to me only around half of them carry some similar characteristics of your friends.

Point being? That's still enough to sustain my argument that they're just shoddy attempts of the 'passing the torch' trope. Wouldn't mind that too much if they were likeable, but you know how things are.

That being?

A small smirk crawled its way onto my brown-bearded muzzle. I hate anything new, Starswirl.

This time, the bemused unicorn in the afterlife chuckled lightly, fond but all-knowing. Perhaps. Before resuming on with his lecture, much to my small chagrin. A red apple may not be too different from a green apple, Jack, but that doesn't diminish the quality of either apple. You should give them more of a chance, my boy. Twilight would ask for nothing less of you, no doubt.

Playing the Twilight card? Shame on you using an underhanded tactic like that, oh wise and ancient Starswirl the Bearded. Pretty sure Applejack would have loved your example usage just then.

"Stardust?" Ah, finally, someone I knew. Nodding in farewell to some students she was in prior discussion with, Starlight trotted over to join me, smiling with warm greeting. "Good afternoon. Wasn't expecting to see you today, what's up?"

In short answer, I merely raised the small brown bag held atop my left wing. Prompting Starlight's small "Ah" of realization with a humoured nod."

"Spike forgot his lunch."

"For the umpteenth time." With some effort of magic, I grimaced, but managed to pass the bag of boxed food to the unicorn with a glow. "Could you-?"

Already on it, she was. "I'll bring it to him. Lunchtime's already just around the corner." Cheers my dear. "Thanks, you just saved your own son from starvation."

"Don't let it happen to you too." I teased fondly, already nodding in goodbye for the day as we parted. There, mission accomplished. Back to the castle and self-practicing with moving cups by just magic-

...Do you feel that?

Indeed. It's quite a murky presence of late.

Oily, more like. Slippery, and it keeps getting away before I could even track down the source. Every time I visited this school, there was something akin to darkness, it just leaves before I could get a lock on.

Halting midstep, my eyes regarded the pristine ceiling, narrowing in concentration. Through Balance, something was amiss, and it didn't feel anywhere near promising. And it was getting stronger to a degree everytime I kept on detecting the presence. Often leaving me annoyed, confused, frustrated and exasperated, honestly wishing there would be no further threats to Equestria, or my friends and Princess, for a long time coming.

Reality is hard to deny. Even for a world so pacifistic.

The presence vanished, but I didn't feel anymore deterred. This time, there was a sense of reigned resolve, aiming now, since I was here anyway, to seek out this plausible threat and prevent any harm done to my friends or this school. A thorough investigation was decided, and I had plenty of free time to do so. Moving cups with my mind can wait.

And I may know where to start.


Perhaps barging into her office like that was a little uncalled for, but I had my reasons; valids ones, I hoped, at that. 'Least I entered unannounced after checking through Balance if there was anyone else inside other than her before making myself at home.

"Stardust!" Came the startled cry of the pink unicorn, almost jumping out of her seat in ill-preparation, before recovering and magically organizing things on the desk back in place. Heh. Starlight cocked her head, perking a bemused, non-existent brow. "Most ponies just knock."

Smirking a little at the sass, I started things off with conducting a swift, but swept investigation of the room itself, outwardly sniffing like a canine for even the slightest 'whiff' of darkness. Pointedly feigning ignorance to the mare's open bafflement as I gazed around: Picking up large furnitere without effort. Moving smaller objects before placing them back in their proper positions because I'm a decent human (pony) being like that. Taking out books from the shelves as I peeked my head through.

Nothing so far. But one could never be too careful. Starswirl, picking up anything yourself?

Scarcely a trace. It appears what or whom you're seeking doesn't often visit this particular office. A self-emboldened pony, perhaps. My smirk only widening to the wit in response.

But Starlight, unhearing of the mental conversation, finally voiced her confusion-slash-curiosity. "Any particular motivation behind rummaging around my office?"

"Stardust Balance: Ace Detective." Came my lighthearted remark, jumping off the top shelf and landing harmlessly on all fours. Regarding the still-befuddled unicorn. "I'm investigating a trace of darkness I picked up in the school."

Lilac eyes widened. "Imbalance?"

Immediately shaking my head to allay those well-justified fears. "No, just something from the chaotic side of things." Her features softened with relief. "It's been here for a while now."

"Frequently?"

"Whenever I visit."

Starlight frowned, thinking, gazing around the inteior of the room as well soon enough. Just a note of apprehension in the mare's now-cautious tone. "So you sense it in here too?"

Once again, a shake of the head. "No. This presence - what or who it is - is fleeting. I can barely get a lock on it every time it pricks at the edge of my senses-"

"Before it leaves as soon as you try." Starlight finished, astute as always, now frowning towards me with comprehension. "And you believe it's somewhere in this school, hiding behind the many presences of its daily occupants." I nodded, impressed with the level of perception. "Does Twilight know about it?"

"I didn't want to worry her," Was all I had to offer, adding if it helped, "Applejack, Spike, Fluttershy and Rainbow are aware though." Thinking back to that interaction at Apple Acres.

Taking what she could get, Starlight then inquired with, again, her signature flaring with anxiety. "Is it..." Composing herself forcibly, but the last word stressed, "Is it dangerous?"

I tilted my head, considering. "It's too soon to suspect anything-"

"But you already do." Damn. She can give a certain orange Earth Pony a run for her bits by that blunt observation. My first reply was a slow nod, further inciting Starlight to press. "Do you think whatever you're picking up is dangerous?"

...Might as well be straightforward. Highly doubt this observant, talented unicorn would accept anything less than my pure honesty. She could take it.

"It's possible." Came my eventual response, a little resigned, but confident all the same. Looking quite solemn myself. "I just need to look around; get an extensive search, so to speak."

"To see if you can pick up a trail if you search around enough, and follow it through to whatever's possibly threatening the school." Fifty points to Griffindor. Starlight's next sentence, spawned from her resolve to protect her friends, would surprise no one. "I know where we could start looking."


"Are you sure you should be helping out like this, Starlight?" I eventually asked with wry humour, the pair of us scouting down an empty hallway for our first destination of many. "I doubt investigating evil in the school is part of a counselor's resume."

Her stride exuded confidence. Conviction. But Starlight's returning grin was wide in playful responding, "Then I'll be sure to ask Twilight to add that in to my responsibilities; Celestia knows how bored I get when nopony comes to visit me for guidance." Which is a shock all in itself, considering how often these ponies NEED help. Lilac eyes meeting hazel curiously. "Speaking of which, why aren't we informing the Headmare of a potential threat in her own school again?"

"You know Twilight. She'll probably overreact to the problem and make it bigger than what it needs to be." To that, her purple eyes also glimmered with thats ame fond humour to the expense of a loved one, myself shrugging as the hallway echoed by our pacing hooves. "Besides, the less of a hassle will let us conduct our searchings more smoothly."

"Fair argument." Was all Starlight had to offer, before pausing for a quick nod to a classroom door. "Here's our first stop." The unmistake presence of Fluttershy behind it.

Along with the scents of nature and animals behind the closed door. The pair of peeking up through the small square window affixed to said blue door, allowing us to view the tranquil, harmonic setting that would be typical for a class taught by Equestria's most pacifistic equine. Fluttershy educating the class with the demonstration of a live polar bear before the attentive students.

Won't even ask how that got in there. More important matters to settle on... Like what would Fluttershy be educating about with a polar bear? What makes them different than regular bears?

"Sense anything?" Starlight's hushed voice prompted me to focus. In reply, I closed my eyes, allowing to focus on all the presences inside, drifting around their signatures in hopes of any clues for what we're seeking.

...

...

...

"Nothing." I replied gently, glancing to Starlight with evident disappointment. "Everything feels fine."

The contemplative unicorn nodded, rubbing her chin during her position. Voicing the thoughts. "It's still possible what we're searching can be hiding in plain sight." Lilac eyes staying firm with resolve. "We take a look at Rainbow Dash's lesson next."

"Good call-"

"Hi Counselor Glimmer! Hi Professor Balance!"

Trust the overzealous hippogriff to spot us peeking into the exotic classroom and disrupt Fluttershy's own teachings to wave merrily to us. Immediately, we ducked down, flushing with sheepish embarrassment and making out hasty withdrawal to the next room before we could distract them again. Whoops.

"I guess some no9 longer get the memo I no longer teach there..." Came my muttered wryness. Only eliciting Starlight's warm chuckle.

"You left more of an impression on them than you think." What now? My baffled gaze had Starlight explain with a knowing smile, "Many remember you as the 'cool teacher who macked on the Headmare.'" Ha! Alright that was pretty funny. Perking a brow that told me not to get too full of myself, Starlight then proceeded to add as a hypothesis, "Are you confident, completely, there's something here? That you're not picking up random frustrations of students and just making excuses to be in this school again."

By that lighthearted accusation, I snorted. "You give me far too much credit as some sly schemer, Starlight."

Without even batting an eye. "Oh so in actuality you'd rather run away from the issue of not teaching again as the common solution."

...Touche.


"See anything?"

"No! Sense anything?"

"Notta."

Damn, this was only getting infuriating for the both of us. Now we were up to investigating Applejack's classroom, albeit by, again, unconventional means; better to keep whomever it was from realizing we were on to him-slash-her.

From her position, Starlight grunted a little. "I'm still not entirely convinced it can be one of our own student."

"Oh?" I raised a sardonic, bemused brown brow. "Couldn't tell from the heaps of skepticism I've been picking up from you all day."

Ignoring the sarcasm, lilac eyes rolled as they continued peeking through the window. "I'm just saying, maybe you're just looking too deep into things." Shifting slightly, nearly causing me to reinforce my grip. "I mean, don't get me wrong, it's fine to worry for our well-being, but haven't you considered the possibility that just because has a tad of darkness in them, doesn't make them inherently malicious?"

Oh, my dear, believe me, the presumption was something I HAD contemplated upon. And, yes, while I was of the philosophy that darkness doesn't mean evil, and light in turn doesn't mean overall righteousness, there's still a main factor regarding that idea which throws the whole concept out of the window:

This was still an MLP world. The writers only made such things plausible in the form of Discord, and he was only a 'good guy' AFTER being reformed from his wicked deeds of wanting to spread chaotic fun around the planet. If there's someone here with even the slightest trace of higher darkness, I couldn't risk the chance of sticking blind to my own beliefs and provide them an advantage until it's too late.

Still, I understood Starlight's wariness. There WERE seemingly ordinary young students, attending to study and hopefully understand the magic of friendship as she and the staff had; what harm could they possibly achieve? But hey, I'm more than confident the writers of the show had something to pull the wool from our eyes when the time comes.

If it comes. Not if I could help it.

"You wanna risk the chance of endangering your own students?" Came my eventual response, offering a light smirk below, indulging some minor banter. "Or are you hoping this danger will pass so you'll be busy with traumatized students visiting your office?"

Before Starlight could retort against that argument-

"What are you two doing?"

Spotted we were. Our eyes gazing down from the roof to the blue-yellow griffon flying beside us, eyeing our positions with dubious skepticism. Well, I suppose one couldn't blame him.

Seeing a former teacher hold your school counselor by the tail as she looks through a classroom window would raise some questionable flags.


Not even fifteen minutes after the last time it was debated when the evening struck, Starlight couldn't help but voice her suspicions once more. "Are you sure you're just not sensing frustrations from schoolwork?"

"Positive." Remaining stubborn on the matter, but the unicorn wasn't deterred. Pressing moreso.

"You might be wrong."

"I might not be."

"You're not always right, Stardust."

Huffing from my pony nostrils, I threw my wings up in disbelief, cape flowing as result. "What is it with everypony doubting me nowadays?" Honestly, did they think I was just being paranoid for no reason or something?

Response came alongside a blank look. "I'm not saying you're wrong altogether, Stardust. I'm pointing out the possibility that maybe - MAYBE - you're reading too deep into things. If there IS something here that threatens us, we'll act on it." Pausing as we reached the middle of the courtyard, gesturing wholly around the structure of the unique educational facility. Emphasizing her point. "But right now, after exploring all the tended classes and giving a thorough sweep through Balance? We haven't found anything, Stardust, even when the entire student body have been in their homerooms simultaneously."

My bearded features grimaced, acknowledging Starlight's point with reluctance. Weary hazel eyes scanning across the outside of the building's centre, observing the many ponies and other creatures now finishing up their classes, getting ready to call it a day. Sundown was reaching that point now. But no matter what my friend may assume, or what even I assume, I know what I sensed.

Those sneses of survival and wariness had never failed me before. That was one redeeming quality I could face.

"There's still the off-chance this person - or whatever it may be - can be shielding themselves by magic." I offered, then mentally berating myself for how absurdly weak that excuse sounded. Really, even Spike didn't express that pathetically whenever he tried fishing up bull[BEEP] explanations.

Starlight, clearly, wasn't persuaded, if the raised, flat brow was of any indication to her incredulity. "Let's say they could, isn't Balance suppose to sense others by their emotions? Not magic? How would another creature - pony or otherwise - manage to conceal their own thoughts and feelings against a magic unseen and unheard of for countless years? Sounds kinda flimsy, Stardust."

Okay, it was safe to say my teeth were close to gnashing at that point. "We can't just overall dismiss the possibility, Starlight, we're not Celestia or Starswirl-"

No offense teach.

None taken.

"- And isn't the whole point of magic that all things are possible? Remember, there are no clear, coherent rules for your world how magic properly works, so it's a bit foolhardy, at best, to just chalk off this investigation as anything but a waste of time."

Having spoken that piece, I waited, now sensing some newfound emotions from the pink unicorn. I dread to think, but was one of them... Sympathy?

"'Your world.'" Starlight echoed lightly, lilac eyes now studying me. "I didn't realize there was still a distinction for you."

I mean, to be fair, that was mostly to emphasize my point. But even so, I wasn't particularly affectionate to the method Starlight was examining me by, those studious, piercing lilac eyes boreing into my soul. Her feelings now keen. Narrowed. Focused. As if I was a new cause worth inspecting, as opposed to whatever threat we've been seeking out all day and coming up short. It was really unnerving.

My muzzle was open to ask her to stop, but Starlight beat me to speaking first. Blunt and knowing as ever.

"Did the Zagreus incident affect you that deeply?"

I frowned, struggling to comprehend the point my friend and sister-figure was trying to make. "I don't understand."

"Neither do I. Not yet." Huh? A pink hoof reached out, to my bewildered surprise, tentatively brushing my wild dark brown locks in a gesture akin to concern. Her equine features softened with a tilt of the head, and eerily, again, I was reminded too much of a certain lavender mare. "What happened to you, Stardust?" Adding only to my confusion and increasing worry. "What's stopped you from accepting Equestria as your home?"

'Again,' was the last unspoken word.

My breathing grew shaky for a moment, blinking back my own welling emotions from Starlight's introspection. All I could offer was a weak justification. "What right have I to fully acknowledge it as such, Starlight...?"

Her brow only furrowed more, the unicorn removing her hoof from my mane to, then, address a new matter related to this. Her voice brooking no mood for order. "Tomorrow, my office, first thing. Try not to oversleep for this, Stardust."

Even with her concern, Starlight couldn't stop a threatening smile by that last statement. I msirked in faint tease myself, making light of the new predicament I found myself in, reminded of Applejack's words from Saddle Arabia. "Doctor's orders, Miss Glimmer?"

Lilac eyes flashed, expression against softening. "A friend's orders, Mister Balance. Ten o'clock sharp, don't be late." Ye ma'am, I guess.

Once again, the farmmare's words reflecting through my skull as the many species began returning home: "We're not the same naive, easily forgivin' ponies we were way back when. When you left, somethin' changed. It changed us; made us all realize we weren't growin' up, ain't respondin' to problems as should be. When your left, it broke us, Stardust, it truly did. By runnin' away, you helped us face reality."

Looks like that reality may be rearing its ugly face yet again... I gulped audibly, to the unicorn's faint amusement.


Was she trying to help me, or vex me? It was super unclear when, the following morning as I was yawning and tired as Hell, unable to sleep well last night dwelling excessively what today would bring from this, I was being 'escorted' by a certain young Earth Pony. The leader, I think, of that six group, The colt knocking on the door to the counselor's office merrily before letting ourselves in.

The room appearing far more organized and well-prepared for an extensive therapy session following what happened yesterday afternoon. Looks like Starlight has been having her own anxiety regarding this upcoming meeting, if the aroma of worry and nervousness in the air were of any indication.

Exemplified by my own, entering the small, cozy room made to feel lost souls welcome.

"I brought Professor Balance as asked, Counselor." Halfway to correcting the lad until Starlight whirled around on her chair, straightening professionally and placing on her best, fake smile.

How many hours did it take for her to practice?

"Thank you Sandbar. You may go." The Earth Pony happily trotting away with satisfaction, closing the door and utterly oblivious to my bemused stare following him out. With those mannerisms out of the way, Starlight's voice perked up with light amusement. "You should show some level of acknowledgement to their respect for you, if only to return the courtesy."

"I deserve neither their respect or acknowledgement, Starlight."

Clearly, that was a disagreement between us, but Starlight let it slide, placing on her practiced level of calm professionalism necessary for her main job in the school. Motioning to the nearby therapy chair while getting up. "Have a seat, Mister Balance."

Oh, we're still doing this? Alright, her office, her rules. With a faint smile of bewilderment, I sighed, throwing my hoofs up in surrender, finding my cape and hate being removed by a blue glow of magic and neatly set by a coat hanger. Fair enough.

Positioning myself down on the pink, soft seat, folding my front limbs on the chest of my navy-blue shirt, I couldn't stop myself from retaining humour at this current situation. Starlight was really taking this seriously, if her signature was telling accurately. Considering my own levels of depression, self-loathing and regrets, I may as well be her potential magnum opus.

And, hey, never done a therapy session before? Regardless of what bad feelings or memories it may definitely bring up, I was genuinely curious to see where this goes. Perhaps she was too.

Sitting down on a small stool before the seat, the pink unicorn levitated a notedpad, a readied quill and ink bottle. "Now remember." She emphasized, sounding both like a friendly reminder and a warning. "We're doing this to HELP you, Stardust. As a counselor and a friend, it pains me to see you have regrets and anger for events that weren't all your fault. So, these next few hours will be devoted to your healing, and finally addressing the direct causes behind your self-anger and anxiety." Before offering with a pre-prepared mug. "Hot chocolate?"

Tempting, but I prefer those in the evening. "No thanks..." Taking note of how weak my British voice appeared right there and then. Guess I was a lot more anxious about this than Starlight was, shifting slowly in my laid posture.

Nodding, albeit empathetically, she placed the steaming mug back on her desk, directly facing me and getting right into the think of it. "Let's begin: How are you feeling, Stardust?"

Well, obvious answer was obvious. Shurgging helplessly. "Fine, I guess."

Starlight scribbled the simple answer down, and something else, on her notepad, away from my range of sight currently. The next question was just as straightforward, "And how does Jack Wright feel?"

...[BEEP].

"Take as much time as you need." Starlight added kindly upon noticing my visible sign of hesitation. Yeah, you say that my dear, but we both know I can't really do that, can I?

But despite that, I was resigned to my fate. Starlight was doing this because she cared, and she wanted to help. And Tartarus have no scorn than Starlight Glimmer's stubbornness to help. My front hoof leaned upwards slightly without thinking, bluntly sharing the truth.

"Depressed." There, I said it. "Depressed, anxious, self-loathing, conceited, miserable, regretful. Need I go on?"

"It would help." Starlight answered without skipping a beat, maintaining her cool smile while keeping her own feelings under check. She was taking this job with utmost devotion. I admired that. "Let's begin with the first negative emotion you've described: Depression. Why are you depressed?"

Once again, I hesitated. My friend was generous enough to give me two minutes of contemplation to gather my thoughts and sort my mind out, opening some floodgates to come. Twilight's heard it all before, but even I know her predictable, if heartfelt responses to these things if I shared them with her, no matter how good it made me feel afterwards.

Another perspective may do me a world of good. The very same motivation that had me even come here to begin with. That, and I trusted this mare as much as the others.

I sighed, resigned. "Because I failed."

"Failed how?"

"Failed Twilight, failed Spike, failed you, failed... Everyone." Once again, a hapless shrug. No better way to reinforce my words. "I had the chance, the oppotunity, to put a stop to Zagreus numerous times. I've went back on many promises for my own narrow-minded justification of 'for the greater good.' What more can be possibly said, Starlight?" It wasn't my intent to sound just a little flippant by that last question.

But the unicorn didn't seem to notice, or acknowledge it. More jotting down from ink to paper. "The fact Zagreus is contained in a fictional ball and nopony's holding your own mistakes against you speak volumes." She remarked with light humour, before moving on. "Next: Anxiety. Why are you so anxious?"

Once again, following on from yesterday, Applejack's words reveberated in my head. Blinking once. "Because I'm expecting at least one of you to hold my actions against me." Casting a side-glance to the patient mare, pursing my gold lips. "It's too easy to be forgiven easily from the majority, regardless how kindhearted you ponies naturally are."

"We are, Stardust." Starlight sort to correct, with compassion and understanding. The light burned. "Contrary to what you may believe, we all consider you one of us, pony in spirit as well as body."

Well, it's nice they did...

"Now, let's move on to the next subject of your broad feelings." Joooooooooooy. As if sensing my lack of eagerness - that or it was present on my face - the pink mare lowered her 'pad slightly to give me an amused brow, muzzle twitching with fond acknowledgement. "Self-hate. Personally, I can imagine many motives behind this awful emotion-" Oh, thanks Starlight. "- But do you think you can sum up the overall reasoning behind such a feeling?"

...Funny thing? The more we kept on doing this, the more comfortable I was getting in releasing all these doubts and struggles to a friend who purely cares and wants to assist. Finding myself sitting up a little to better explain more, taking a deep breath as eyes wandered to the side, gathering my thoughts again to best articulate the next following sentences. Part of me briefly wondered exactly how much Starlight got paid here.

"Well... I mean... As you said, it's pretty obvious." Was what I could offer, at first, cocking my head side-to-side thoughtfully. "My entire life has been filled with making the same margin of errors, over and over again, never leanring despite how much I try. I always forget what I'm learning from soon enough, not realizing until AFTER I've done it. Look at the consequences: Nightmare Moon, Chrysalis, Sombra, Tirek, Zagreus. Even the events in Sunset's world I can be held accountable for because my head was so far up my-"

Quickly cutting myself off, then, from the stern glare telling me I should not even consider finishing the passionate speech that way. Instead, I opted another approach.

"Regardless, my own hubris has led to dangers and trouble with others; those even I am closest to, Starlight. How could I NOT hate myself, for allowing my own disability to hinder any ability to learn from my mistakes?"

"So it's your belief that your mental defect prohibits your capability to learn from the past." Starlight nodded, writing all this down during via magic. Cue evident Harry Potter joke here. "Not only that, but that your own arrogance in regards to dealing with a particular situation, often worsens the problem and makes things more difficult for the lives and well-being of your loved ones."

Damn. She's good. Best I could offer was a singular, small nod, prompting Starlight to further scribble this factual enlightenement down before regarding me, still expectant.

"Which brings us to the next topic: Your belief of self-arrogance. Could you expand on that further, please? In what way does a natural feeling endanger our friends?"

Couldn't be the only one who imagined the emphasis on 'our,' as if proving some point. Nevertheless, I obliged: "Because, by my own flawed logic, I continued believing, in every predicament, that since my people created this universe, I, by all rights, had the answers and the sole responsibility to fix them and save you all the trouble... I don't know." Providing a self-deprecating smile. "Maybe I just wanted to be viewed as a hero than just a liability."

"Your honesty is appreciated." Starlight paused. "Do you need a short break? I understand if-"

"I'm fine." Coming out more sternly than what I hoped for, taking a deep breath to calm myself before tightly grinning. "I'm fine, I can go on."

Best get it all out of the way before distancing myself at any open oppotunity. While I had my eye on the ball, and concentrated on getting through this to understand myself better. It was always a matter of time.

Slowly nodding, Starlight raised her notepad again, proceeding on with the next powerfully depressing emotion to address. "Let's talk about being miserable. Is there a distinction from your depression?"

"...Kind of." I confessed shortly, leaning back down against the soft end. Gaze switching to the far off painting. "All my efforts of handling things myself, and sparing you all the trouble of danger and stress, have mostly been in vain. What's there to be satisfied when I cause my own friends more stress instead?"

"Mhm." At the very least, that didn't sound like she was agreeing. I hoped anyway, Lilac eyes gazing back down upon me with expectancy. "Finally, let's address the last one: Regrets."

Ohhhh I had plenty of those. "Shall I write a bucket list?"

One hairless brown perked, but Starlight managed small, tight smile with fond mirth. "The shortest reasons you can give will do." I nodded slowly. As she wishes.

"Very well..." Got many to unpack here, but I'll try to dense it as possible to the basic, overall issues. Resting my front hoofs against each again upon my breathing chest, unleashing a loud, drawn sigh, settling down. "I regret too many things from childhood to adulthood; being a scumbag-slash-annoyance to many back on my homeworld, committing that one massive mistake back in school, yelling at my mother for no reason." The side of my muzzle twitched by such painful memories, but I trudged on. "Taking my family for granted. Taking my friends for granted. Lying to you all, often taking advantage of your naivety, doing reckless stunts and actions with greater consequences than allowed. The near-triumph of Sombra, the creation of Zagreus. The..."

Gulping loudly, I maintained myself, exhaling deeply again and closing my eyes, preparaing for the most harmful recollection among them all. I could do this, I just needed... A moment... Forcing my hazel, emotional eyes to open and practically whispering that last part.

"Breaking of Twilight's heart..."

There. I did it... I did it.

Silence, for the most part, dominated the office following the next few minutes, save for the occassional notes my self-volunteered therapist wrote down with every passing second. God, the tension in here. Either from confessing these things out-loud, or from my own hallucination of pure dread and apprehension for however the unicorn would respond to all this, inevitably. It was nerve-wacking. Starlight was nothing like the other ponies; pragmatic, contemplative and mature. Similar to Twilight, but different her own unique way.

It came as no surprise my body tensed, once the mare started speaking. But those concerns, as it turned out, would be allayed soon enough.

For I detected no judgment or pity in her following voice. Really, what else was I expecting? Quite foolhardy of me, as always.

"Many things of what you say, do hold a certain merit to them." Starlight began, slow and deliberate, gathering her thoughts as the notepad and ink were set aside for this. No distractions. "However, that doesn't stop a majority of it from being augumentative. I could go on all day - perhaps forever - why you haven't 'failed' us or anypony else. I could rebuttal almost, if not ALL your points regarding why your anxieties are misplaced, and how we accept you for what you are - no matter if your body is human and pony - one of us. I can proceed to rebuke those arguments why you should hate yourself for making mistakes like everypony in life. The whole point of life is to make terrible errors."

Lilac eyes softened after that note of observation. Starlight leaning in moreso, as if to further reinforce her points to come. Her grin satisfied, her voice passionate, and filled with empathy. She really should have been some seventh hidden Element of Harmony.

Screw what the fanbase thought of her.

"As for being conceited... Well, aren't we all? In our own different ways? There are times everyone often lets their pride get the better of them: To prove a point, for the sake of winning an argument regardless how flawed the evidence put forward, to do something reckless to one-up peers, to believe oneself capable of handling a matter without help. There's no crime for being full of yourself, so long as you're aware of this fault, and SEEK to learn from it." Putting stress on that particular world. Not learn from it altogether, but also seek tp try learning is just as important.

I found myself nodding without comprehending until now. Yes, everything Starlight was preaching made absolute sense. I've forgotten all about that attempting to learn something can be just as vital as doing the thing in question. I'm too ingrained by the self-belief I'm the only person in the entire world to have faults and not be okay with them. No one was flawless, THAT'S what Starlight is trying to pound into my mind here.

But my best friend and sister wasn't finished. No, far from it. "As for being miserable, well, I shouldn't even have to tell you to feel despair is not a sin, Stardust. You're allowed to feel as much for your mistakes in the past, but that doesn't mean you should wallow in them forever. Just move on, with the forever support of your friends, your son, and your Princess behind you." Starlight added a light wink to that last bit, and I allowed myself a tiny grin in response. "Regrets... Well, we all have those, Stardust. You're forgetting, I'm as much responsible for Zagreus as you are; my jealously, my rage. THAT brought about the chain of events which led to that monster into being." A pink hoof raised to prevent any dispute, Starlight still beaming wide somehow, as if that particular fact didn't even bother her. Oh, and she was hiding her own guilt particularly well. "But if not for that, I wouldn't have made such great friends, and a fantastic brother to boot."

The sincerity. The earnest pressing for me to view her perspective on things. It was getting too much, blinking back some lingering tears; all the floodgates, all the emotions and turths being sprung forth towards one another. For the shared comfort to appease the other, I sat up, welcoming ourselves to a brief, but powerful embrace. The bond between us flaring with approved bliss, letting each other breathe in the moment, allowing the peace of forgiveness to pass through. My right eye clidding a small, salty tear, breathing deeply again.

Once hazel and lilac met again once I wiped my own with a sheepish grin, Starlight's eyes glimmered with acknowledged affection. "I forgive you, Stardust. The main problem is, you need to stop separating Jack Wright from Stardust Balance. One who carries the burdens and self-hatred spurred from years of hardship, the other an identity of perfection and who you WISH you could be."

Was that it? Was I really just splitting both these identities as possible? One spawned from childhood, another self-made for a nother chance to be someone better? Was I cowardly enough to even try acknowledging as much?

Starlight's smile never waned. "It's not cowardly to confess your personal issues, or even accept they're there." The pink hoof, light but firm, touching against my clothed shoulder. "And not matter how many issues or identity crises you have, we'll ALWAYS be there to help you. Even if you and Twilight are now immortal, we'll find a way, somehow." To that, both of us smiled with mirth. "We need to commence, with letting you be both Stardust and Jack as one."

"I... Don't know how." Came my lighthearted, albeit nervous reaction. But my best friend looked like she expected as much, nodding simply with a knowing grin, motioning for me to follow towards her main desk.

"Well, luckily for both of us, I came prepared." Twilight's influence shining through again. I perked a curious brow, the pink mare fishing out some yellow sheet papers from her drawers, magically handing them over to me. With my practiced power, I let them levitate into my waiting right hoof, inspecting curiously as she spoke with some enthusiasm. "Six certain young students have been asking for a school camping trip for a while now. And though you can't teach or have any position in the school whatsoever, their request doesn't have to be an official school affair."

Six certain students...

My gaze stared up to the pink unicorn, meeting with her playful smirk with my wry, exasperated smile. "This is payback for making you hunt 'ghosts' all day before, isn't it?"

"Hmmm." Pretending to consider it. Lilac orbs cheekily glancing to the ceiling with rolled thought. "Perhaps that, and my own way of getting back at you for leaving us all unannounced." Ah, fair enough. Curiously, this time, I barely felt a stab of guilt from that reminder.

Guess therapy WAS good for something. I should join one more often...

"Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself. Again, they're not as bad as you think. Sandbar often reminds me of you."

...My halfheated glare went up from the detailed list back to the unicorn again, suspcisious and baffled. "In what regard...?"

"Oh, you know, the 'Earth Pony leader often plagued with self-doubt but heaps of bravery.' Ring any bells?"

...Tch. I couldn't stop sharing her grin anyway.