//------------------------------//
// Really? 
// Story: The Princess of Ear Scratches 
// by ThePinkedWonder 
//------------------------------//

Hey, Eric “Buggie” Reed here.

Crazy magical mishaps. Impromptu musical numbers where everyone randomly knows the words. Chaos when ponies freak out over something, especially if a certain adorkable alicorn does it.

In my old world, any of that jazz would be breaking news, for many reasons, or at least would raise eyebrows.

But in Equestria, stuff like that was only Tuesday. Or for that matter, any day it happened.

However, it was on a ridiculous level today–emphasis on “ridiculous”. In the library of Twilight’s castle, my noggin was still reeling from what Twilight begged Starlight/Starie, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow, and me to help her with. She wasn’t making us do anything painful...but really?

“I still can’t believe you want to find out which of us likes our ears scratched the most, Twilight,” Starie said with a moan, her cheek leaning on an upturned hoof.

“I still can’t believe we’re letting you do it. Ear scratches are dumb!” Rainbow whined with her hooves crossed.

Applejack gave a disapproving shake of her head. “No kiddin’. Of all the things yer wanted to study, Twi, this is the silliest yet.”

“It’s not!” Twilight protested. The lovable but occasional royal pain was in midair, circling a big ‘ol, beeping machine in the middle of the library, taking close looks at it. Two long blue cords stemmed from it, and each one was attached to its own small helmet lying on the floor on either side of the machine. At least the beeping multi-colored flashing dots covering them were nice. “How much ponies like their ears being scratched has never been explored from a scientific standpoint. Studying it could hold great therapeutic implications for Equestria!”

The rest of us looked at each other; Rainbow groaned and I shrugged my shoulders. Pinkie just stood there smiling as she usually did. When Twilight Sparkle gets on her research kicks, it’s usually best to let the mare have her fun. Wasn’t in the mood for the mayhem that resisting can trigger.

“The scratchogragh appears to be functioning properly, so we are almost ready.” She slowed her wing flaps to land on the floor, just behind one of the two helmets. “Now, Buggie, I will need you to scratch behind an ear of our friends for five seconds when they have an enjoyment-reading helmet on. Oh, and try to scratch them like you did Sunset's ears for best results. As for the rest of you, when he does, stay still." Twi pointed a hoof toward her scratch-whatever machine. "The scratchograph will measure how much you enjoyed it on a scale of 1-10.”

Rainbow glared at me and gave a low growl. “So, this is your fault, then.”

“Hey!” I threw my hands in the air. “It’s not my fault Twilight barged into the library while I was scratching Sunset’s ears in here! Even if it were, how was I supposed to know this would happen?”

“He’s right, Rainbow. Twilight can be nearly as unpredictable as Pinkie, so we shouldn’t be too hard on him,” Applejack said. Glad somepony chose to back me up. “Besides, silly or not, it’s only a little ear scratchin'. It won’t kill us to play along.”

Rainbow softened her glare and blew a deep sigh. “You got a point, Applejack. Sorry, Eric.”

“And Eric’s ear scratches could be fun-fun-fun!” Pinkie agreed with a big smile while hopping. Each hop made the trademark springing sound effect Pinkie's bouncing always do.

“That’s the spirit! But before we can begin, we will need to set up the helmets to ensure they will read the same.”

“They can't already do that?” Fluttershy asked.

“Not yet. As I said before, ear scratches on ponies have never been measured and my scratchograph is the first of its kind. Therefore, the sensation of an ear being scratched must be registered first.”

“How can we help with that?” Pinkie stared at the helmets. “Do we put them on and dance? Or bake a cake? Ooh, or dance while baking a cake?”

I chuckled. I will never get fully used to Pinkie’s...Pinkieness. “Nice theories, Pinkie, but I doubt dancing or baking will do the trick.”

“That’s right. Well, one of you were right, and I will explain how we will do it.” Twilight picked up the helmet still lying in front of her with her magic, and set it on top of her head. It rested on her mane and behind her horn, but fit snugly between her ears. “Buggie, before you scratch our friends’ ears, you will need to scratch each of mine for five seconds beforehoof. That will not only register the sensation, but synchronize the helmets for approximately thirty seconds.”

“Only thirty seconds?” Rarity asked.

“Yes. That is the longest the synchronization can last, so my ears will have to be scratched before each of your turns."

Rainbow stared at the helmets and rubbed the back of her head. “I know you’re the egghead here, Twi, but why can’t we all just use the same one?”

Twilight grinned, big time. What did Rainbow get us into? “I’m glad you asked, because I have a LOT to say about why we need two helmets and more about the scractchogragh. I can make fifty or so flashcards to help out, and explaining everything will only take a few hours–”

“NO!” we all shouted, shaking our heads and waving our hands/hooves side to side. Pinkie even ceased hopping, and I was shaking my head so hard, my hat bearing the designs of the gang’s Cutie Marks almost flew off! I might prefer taking a magical arrow to the knee over enduring one of Twilight’s lectures for hours! No! 

Starlight pleaded, “Y-you don’t need to explain! Just do your tests...please!”

Twilight’s big smile weaned. “Are you sure that you don’t want–”

We shouted, “Yes!”

“Well, okay, if all of you are sure.” Twilight pointed at the helmet on her head. “Anyway, I’m ready, so, when you’re ready, Buggie, come scratch behind each of my ears for five seconds. Remember, try to do it the way you did to Sunset’s ears yesterday.”

Whew. That nearly became one of the longest four or five hours of my life. At any rate, as Applejack had brought up, scratching seven mares’ ears really would be no biggie. Not to mention, I never admitted it, but I had wanted to scratch Fluttershy’s ears, so this was my chance.

I walked to stand next to Twilight, reached out for one of those light, fluffy ears of hers, and scratched behind it. The ear twitched a few times, and Twilight smiled and closed her eyes; her cuteness was showing. After five seconds, I scratched behind the other ear, which twitched like the first one did. Her eyes stayed closed and she kept her peaceful smile going.

On a black monitor high on Twilight’s...whatever she called it, the number “8.7” flashed on its screen.

Didn’t think she’d enjoy it that much.

I turned toward the rest of the gang. “I don’t think Twi’s counting herself, so who wants to be the first testee?”

“Ooh, ooh, me! I do!” Pinkie hopped up and down, wearing a huge grin.

“Then go ahead and put on the other helmet, Pinkie, and stay still,” Twilight said. Keeping her helmet on, she crept to a table by the library’s bookshelves, careful of the long blue cord connecting her helmet to the machine. Don’t know why I didn’t notice the pile of paper on that table already.

Pinkie hopped to the second helmet on the floor, wrapped her tail around it, and tossed it on her head in one smooth motion. She made the move look so effortless.

I strode beside Pinkie and scratched away behind one of her pink fluffy ears, which twitched a few times. Her smile stayed the same and she let out a little giggle. Pinkie Pie can be pretty cute when she’s...calm.

After five seconds of scratching, “7.9” flashed on the scra...that machine’s screen. I thought Pinkie would have liked the scratching more than Twilight.

Twilight wrote some stuff on her paper with a quill, then flipped over the paper after she finished writing. Odd.

“Not bad, Eric, not bad. I’ll rate it a ‘7.2’,” Pinkie said matter-of-factly.

“The scratcho-something gave me more credit, so I’ll take its ‘7.9’.” I flicked Pinkie’s ear playfully, forcing a titter out of her. “Anyway, that’s one pony tested. Who’s next?”

Applejack strolled to Pinkie and me, grabbed the helmet on Pinkie’s head, and set it onto hers. “Go ahead and give my ear a scratch. The sooner ya do, the sooner I can nosey back to my farm.”

“Wait, don’t forget to scratch my ears to ensure the helmets remain synchronized.”

I went over to Twilight and scratched her ears again. She closed her eyes and smiled the whole time, winning more cuteness points.

“8.8” popped on the screen. Guess I was getting better.

Pinkie hopped back to Rainbow, Starlight, Rarity, and Fluttershy; I walked to Miss. Honesty and scratched her ear. It felt a tad rougher compared to Twilight’s and Pinkie’s, and it didn’t twitch at all when I was scratching it. She didn’t crack a smile either, but wore a more neutral look on her face.

“4.2” flashed on the big screen. Figures a no-nonsense pony such as Applejack wouldn’t enjoy her ear being scratched.

With a friendly smile, Applejack patted me on the back and said, “Ya didn’t do anythin’ wrong, Eric. I’m just not one for ear scratches and stuff.”

“Thanks.” I wasn't even aware that I looked disappointed at that score, though I was.

Twilight wrote the score and some other junk on paper, then flipped it over. Again, odd.

“You can scratch my ear next, if you want,” Fluttershy said.

“And before you do, scratch my ears again.”

I ducked over to Twilight and scratched her ears yet again.

“8.8” appeared on the monitor. If I had known she liked it this much, I would have offered to scratch an ear whenever she needed to be calmed down during her freak-out moments.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you have those helmets needing to be reset on purpose.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Twilight said in a near-scolding voice. “I wouldn’t do something so absurd.”

“Maybe, but you can be pretty slick with your plans. Well, your turn, Fluttershy.”

While I was busy with Twilight, Fluttershy had swapped places with Applejack and was wearing the other helmet, so she was ready. I was definitely ready for this!

I strode to Fluttershy and scratched one of her ears. It practically melted under my fingers. She smiled, closed her eyes, tilted her head to the side, and she...actually cooed a little!

Just when I thought that pegasus couldn’t be more adorable, she found a way to surpass herself. 

Lastly, an “8.3” appeared on the screen. Now that score was more like it! 

“Ha, you liked that, huh, Fluttershy?” I asked in a tease.

Fluttershy gasped, fidgeted her hooves, and shied away. Was she actually embarrassed by how much she liked it? Cute! “Oh, y-yes, I did.”

Twilight wrote down Fluttershy’s score and some other stuff on her paper, then flipped it facedown, yet again.

“Before you ask, I shall volunteer to go next and please be careful with my mane.” Rarity trotted to Fluttershy. With her magic, she floated the helmet off Fluttershy's head and slowly onto hers. She must have been trying to lay the helmet as gently onto her mane as possible. “When you are finished, perhaps I shall offer you some advice for improvement,” Rarity said with a wink. I suppose this would fall under grooming a mare, and of course Rarity would have tips on that.

“But scratch my ears first.”

I ran over to Twi and scratched away. “8.5” appeared on the big screen. Either I was losing my touch or she was starting to get bored of them, even with the content smile she had on her face.

I went to Rarity and scratched her ears, but I made sure to not brush my hand against her mane by mistake. She let out a little smile and her soft ear did a couple of twitches.

"6.4" flashed on the monitor. Twilight wrote it down and flipped over the paper she wrote on, as usual.

It wasn’t a bad score I got, but I thought Rarity would have given me a better score than a 6.4. She smiled comfortably and said, “Aw, don’t feel disappointed, Eric. You did a better job than what that silly score says. But, I did say I might offer advice: next time, scratch with just a tad less force and a smidgen slower.”

“Thanks. Anyway, that leaves Starie and Rainbow as the ones yet to be scratched.”

“I’ll go next,” Starie said.

“But don–”

“I know, Twi, I gotta scratch your ears to keep the helmets in sync.”

While the next testee walked to Rarity to take her spot and helmet, I walked to Twilight. She lay down before I reached her, and I leaned down to go to work on her ears.

This time I scored my highest mark yet of 8.9. That killed my theory of Twi was getting bored of her ears being scratched. 

With the helmets synced up again for the moment, I went to Starie and gave her ear the treatment. She didn’t smile and the ear barely reacted, but with how she and Twilight were alike, I still figured I’d score high with her too.

A score flashed on the screen...and my mouth dropped. I couldn’t believe it.

“What?! I only got a 4.4?!”

“Sorry,” she said with a genuine frown.

“With how much Twi is loving them, I thought I’d at least get a '6' out of you! Uh, gimme that ear so I can try again!”

I scratched Starie’s ear a second time, a little more slowly and with less force. “4.5” showed up on the dreaded screen.

It was an improvement, technically.

“It’s not your fault.” She wrapped a foreleg around my back. “I never liked my ears being scratched, but I like your hugs.”

I wrapped an arm around her as a way to say it was okay. My verbal attempt of saying those three words got cut off by a flash of “8.1” on the ‘ol big screen. Didn’t know that thing could measure the enjoyment of hugs too.

“See?”

“Heh heh, I see,” I answered.

Once the hug-enjoying mare and I let each other go, I made a beeline to Twilight after she did the write/paper-flip combo, and got to work on her ears. Otherwise, she would have reminded me to scratch them again.

One of the cutest giggles I’d ever heard from my favorite princess escaped her mouth as “9.0” flashed on that screen.

“I’m starting to get the feeling you are liking this too much,” I said, then flicked an ear out of play.

“Hehe, maybe I am. I can see why Sunset loved it when you scratched her ears.”

I glanced at Miss 4.4/4.5 and Applejack. “Too bad two other mares in this room feel otherwise about my moves.”

Rainbow stomped to and snatched the helmet off Starlight’s head and onto hers. “Don’t expect this mare to like them either. I still think ear scratches are dumb!”

I walked to the grumbling Rainbow and scratched her ears. Out of all the mares’ ears, Rainbow’s felt the stiffest and they didn’t twitch at all, but that stiffness did wean about three seconds into the treatment.

A number flashed on the screen...and really?

“2.7?! Seriously?! You hated it that much?!”

Rainbow huffed. “Hey, I told you to don’t expect to score high with me, remember?”

“Yeah, but I thought I’d do better than a lousy 2.7.”

“Well, you thought wrong. Twilight, can we–”

I noticed how Rainbow’s helmet was set closer to her forehead than the others had it. That fact only sank in now. I pointed at it and said, “Wait, I don’t think your helmet’s on right.”

Rainbow tapped the helmet. “Uh, it’s not?”

Twilight looked over at Rainbow and squinted her eyes. “He’s right! It won’t read accurately at that angle. Move it back so the helmet fits right between your ears, like I have mine.”

She slowly backed up the helmet, so it squarely fit between her ears. “Done, b-but I doubt it will make m-much of a difference, so I’ll just–”

Applejack stared at Rainbow, rubbing her cheek. “Are ya hidin’ something, Rainbow? Ya look like yer about to break out in a sweat.”

“Hiding?” Rainbow grinned and it oozed “innocence”. The fake kind. “Of course not! Why would I?”

I said, “Let me check out something.”

Rainbow stepped back from me. “Whoa, what are you going to do? You’re not gonna scratch my ears, aren’t you? I need to...prepare myself first from how I hate it.”

‘Sure you do,’ I thought as I shook my head, but said out loud. “Nope. I just want to check something on your helmet.”

“Uh...okay.” Rainbow stepped forward to me, bearing a little scowl. “But just check whatever you wanna check. Got it?”

I nodded and reached for her helmet. With a snicker, I let my hand “slide” over to her ear and scratched it again!

Sucker!

Rainbow growled, smacking my hand away from her ear. “Hey! You said you weren't going to scratch my ears!”

“Heh heh, about that: I lied,” I said. Rainbow would do that trick to me if it were the other way around.

The screen flashed with a new score. Wow, just wow.

1.7?!

“Are you kidding me? It was–”

The screen reset and numbers randomly flashed. It settled on a new number after a couple of seconds.

That number? 9.4! We waited for it to change, but the new 9.4 rating stuck around.

Now, this wasn’t only better, it was delicious! Not only did the pegasus known as Rainbow Dash like ear scratches, she liked them the most out of the gang!

Applejack’s lips curled into a smirk. Her eyes all but glued on Rainbow’s face; the latter's mouth was wide open. “Heh heh, well, this’ll be a time I’ll approve of a lie.”

I crossed my arms. My cheeks were growing a little sore from the smirk glued on my lips, but I didn’t care. No pain, no gain after all. “So, what was that about you ‘hating’ ear scratches?”

The other mares, even Fluttershy, followed Applejack’s and my lead and smirked at Rainbow.

This only got more delicious by the few drops of sweat running down Rainbow’s forehead. “B-but that can’t be right! I-I hated it! T-the helmets must be out of sync or something–yeah, that’s it!”

I uncrossed my arms. “I can always scratch Twi's ears to make sure that thing’s working right, then try your ear again. I'm pretty sure she won't mind.”

“Although she doesn’t like it quite as much as yooooou do, Dashie!” Pinkie teased.

“But...oh, right.” Rainbow sighed. Bullseye. In a meeker voice, she asked, “You’re going to pick on me about this, aren’t you, Eric?”

“Maybe,” I answered.

Rainbow growled and crossed her hooves in a pout. It almost looked cute.

Starie giggled and said, “Okay, as fun as this is, all of our ears have been scratched. Twilight, can we all leave now? Trixie’s waiting for me to get back and help her practice for her next show.”

“Uh…yes, I’m finished. For now, I should have sufficient data, and thank you all for coming to help me.”

Twilight removed the helmet and wandered to her scrat-what-you-call-it and took more looks at it, but the rest of the gang all left the library. Applejack and Rarity were giggling under their breaths as they left.  Ha, I wonder why?

I was about to leave too and head to Ponyville’s arcade, but curiosity made me wander over to Twilight’s face-down papers. I flipped over the papers to see what was written.

But those papers were blank!

“Twi? Where did the stuff you wrote go?”

Twilight swung her head to me. Her mouth and eyes widened. “W-when did you get over there?!”

“A moment ago? Again, what happened to what you wrote earlier?”

She rubbed her head as she answered, “Uh, f-funny story b-because I u-um…”

Yep, Twilight was up to something. I was practically smelling fish from how fishy this was.

Hold it. Yesterday, after Sunset headed back to “her” world, Twilight approached me and started to ask something, but stopped and said that she forgot what she was about to ask and ran off somewhere. I didn’t see her again for the rest of the day, but I sometimes heard faint banging coming from somewhere in the castle. Maybe something was being built, or perhaps some pre-existing machine was being modified.

Then today, Twilight suddenly rounded up all of us and wanted to test ear scratches. She was persistent about it, even for her. 

Then there were those high scores when I scratched her ears. And...was Twilight bluffing when she wanted to do some multi-hour lecture about why we “needed” two helmets?! That big sneak! That was why she didn't ask Spike to help and write her "data" down!

I slowly pointed a finger at Twilight. “Twilight, did you set up all of this because you wanted your ears scratched?”

Her pupils collapsed into being two tiny purple dots. “W-what? Set up? W-why would I do something so ridiculous?”

I crossed my arms again. “Twilight Sparkle? You’re a great pony and princess, but you’re an awful liar.”

“N-no I’m not an awful liar, and I’m not lying anyway! I just wanted to s-study–”

I tapped one of my shoes. Its taps sliced through the air.

Twilight’s ears flopped, she sighed and said, “Okay, you’re right. I did, and I’ll explain.”

This was going to be good. I could feel it.

She fidgeted the edges of her wings. “When I saw Sunset enjoying your ear scratches so much, I...wanted to find out for myself how they felt. It's not like a human ever scratched my ears when I was on the other side of the portal,” Twilight snorted and put on a nervous grin. She scored some adorkable points for that joke.

I stared at my hands for a moment. I never pondered it, but fingernails would scratch more effectively than the edges of hooves do. “Cool, so why didn’t you just ask me to scratch your ears for a bit? I wouldn’t have minded it.”

“I wanted to, but it’s not that simple!”

“Why not? All you have to do is ask, ‘Hey, Buggie, can you–’”

“I know it sounds simple, but...well…” She blushed, grimaced, and looked away.

“‘Well’ what?”

She groaned and swung her head to me. Those eyes were radiating stress. “It’s embarrassing! I know we look at each other as brother and sister, but I’m a grown mare. This is something a foal might ask!”

I glanced toward the scratchograph, if that was its real name and I pronounced it right. “And you cooking up that plan with your partner-in-crime over there was less foalish than asking a question?”

“I...okay, you got me there.” Twilight took some steps closer to me while looking at me with big sad eyes, which ponies can nail. “I’m sorry, and I will apologize to the others later too, but it was just too embarrassing to ask you, that’s all! Could you ask me to scratch your ears without feeling embarrassed?”

Equestria's sneakiest alicorn raised a strong point. I trust Twilight with my life, but asking her to scratch my ears...NO. That’s a question I would only consider asking my mom and if I were ten or younger, not nineteen. “Good point.” I sauntered to the couch and sat near one of the edges. I had an idea, and going to play at Ponyville’s arcade could wait. “Well, get over here, Princess of Ear Scratches.”

Twi tilted her head confusingly. “Huh?”

“We both have some free time, and I was sitting here when I was scratching Sunset’s ears. So, if you want the true experience, you should lie where Sunset was and–”

Twilight grinned and zipped to the couch. She hopped on and lay on her stomach in a slight curl.

I scratched behind one of Twi’s ears, but kept going after five seconds this time. Her smile deepened and she laid her head near my lap. She reminded me of a puppy lying in a ball (albeit a much larger one) and looked so adorkable. I would rate it a “9.5” at the lowest.

“For a princess, you sure act silly sometimes. What am I going to do with you?”

“Keep scratching my ears?” she answered playfully.

“Okay, okay, I can keep going for a while." I switched ears to work on. "This is kind of cozy. Most of the time we're reading together when we're alone in the library.”

She closed her eyes, and it felt like she might be willing to stay in that spot forever. After a few seconds, she said a little more sadly, “Still, I really am sorry for tricking you. I’ll do something to make up for it later, but I promise I wasn't completely lying about being interested in mea–”

A door from behind the couch cracked open. I stopped scratching Twilight’s ear, she sat up, and we both stared behind us.

It was Miss 9.4 herself standing there, wearing a frown. Her ears were drooped sideways.

Twilight asked, “Rainbow? Is something wrong?”

Rainbow slink inside the library. “Uh...since Eric’s going to pick on me about it, I was wondering if he could...scratch my ears some more? But, just keep it between us?”

“Oh.” Twilight looked at me, then back to Rainbow. “Well, he was...already scratching my ears, so can you give us another couple of minutes, then ask him to scratch your ears? Uh, if he wants.”

Hey, at least Twilight was willing to share me and my hands.