//------------------------------// // Chapter 18: Reflections // Story: What you Need // by Hemlock conium //------------------------------// I don't remember, at least fully, how I ended up alone on the floor of the mare’s room. I had a vague memory of self loathing before being interrupted by Zeal and star which was followed up by a series of uncomfortable apologies and questions. Though over what and the fallout that followed, is where my mind starts to dip into a frustrated and dismal haze.  There was a vague recollection of me trying to save face and leaving mid conversation. I suppose in my emotional state I must have dashed into the ladies room to avoid running into anymore of their friends. A soft sigh escaped my throat as I recovered from my little episode and my body got back onto its hooves. As my head arose with the rest of my body it became level with a rather clean mirror. While my eyes had a hard time glancing through a tangled, messy mane I could still make out a vague image in the mirror. It wasn't me, instead it was a reflection of a sad and distraught filly.  “Pathetic,” I muttered at the sight of it. Which as harsh as my words were, was an accurate description of the pony. Its fur laid poorly kept and dirty, its once pure white coat was lost to a filth of grey. The mane wasn't much better off, it was a tangled mess; no longer a bright fiery red but instead a muted crimson. Yet despite its pitiful state all I felt was loathing for its wrenched sight. It was wrong, distorted and so misshapen from what it should have been. Yet, what should it have been? I don't know, I just know it wasn't this. I continued to stare at this muddied reflection for several long minutes before I could quell my emotions, at least enough to take a deep breath. My right hoof slowly brushed my mane back as I turned my attention to the door. Like with my mane my hoof autonomously reached to unlock it; stopping mere inches from it as my ears caught the faint whispers of my least favorite group.   Their voices were too hushed to make out the exact words but their inflections and sounds made their identities unmistakable.  “Great,” I muttered to myself, lowering my hoof back down. I hoped if I waited long enough they might move on, but I knew they wouldn't at least anytime soon. Thankfully I could wait, so wait I did. I wasn't sure how long I laid there alone with my thoughts. Though it must have been quite some time because when I came back from the miasma that was my thoughts I could hear the group outside giving their evening farewells before bed; promising to meet again in the morning. I let out a long and grateful exhale as I pressed the door open, only to be met by a pair of two bulging blue eyes.  “Phoenix,” Carapace cheered in relief. Her eyes were lit up with the glimmer one would expect from someone seeing a friend rise from the dead.  Unfortunately the expression quickly sunk back to despair as she saw me close the door once more.  “Phoenix please,” Carapace pleaded again as her body slumped over in defeat, “I just want to know that you're okay. Just tell me and I'll leave okay? I don’t like making you upset but…” her voice trailed off as she recalled the events described by Star and Zeal when they returned.  Apparently Phoenix had been struggling out back when they found her; becoming both flustered and aggressive when they approached her. When they tried to apologize she had told them to, forget it and just leave her alone. When they refused she became choked up and ran. Since then she'd been locked in the bathroom. For a while she was unsure if Phoenix was ever even in there, but Star and Zeal insisted this was it so she took them at their word. She felt awful thinking of what the filly was going through to cause her to act like that.  But actually seeing her like that was so much worse than she thought. If she had had a heart she was sure it would have sank to the bottom of her chest. Phoenix was tired, looking worse for wear than normal, and worst of all the concoction of emotions radiating off her body left Carapace nauseous. It was a far more potent cocktail of negativity than anything she'd experienced prior. The mix of bitterness with the tang of regret and the kick of frustration combined to make an indescribable feeling Carapace was unsure she even had the vocabulary to describe. Yet the oddest thing of all was that all those feelings were all laced under a thick coating apathy. Despite all the apathy that was layered on, it still failed to conceal what was brewing underneath. The closest analogy she could think of to describe the near paradoxical states would be like using a thick layer of vanilla icing to try and disguise the chocolate cake below. But one bite would quickly reveal the true contents inside.  “Just go away,” Phoenix groaned from the other side. Carapace grimaced in despair at the reaction. In the back of her mind she knew that would be her reply however she still hoped Phoenix might finally stop and just talk.  “Just tell me,” she began once more, “are you okay?” The answer was obviously no, but if Phoenix at least said she was okay, then maybe Carapace could sleep tonight. Though despite her pleading and hopes no answer was given. So she desperately knocked again hoping to get a reply.  “I just want to make sure you’re okay. I’m worried is all.” There was no answer this time and there would be no answer again. Carapace sat against the door for what felt like hours, hoping Phoenix would finally talk or come out. With time however came exhaustion caused by her own worry until finally exhaustion over took her and sleep whisked her away. Her body laid slumped against the door; hoping that Phoenix might come out. It was at this point Virulent lesson rounded the corner, performing his late night checks to make sure all the foals were in bed, that he found Carapace like this. He raised a brow of concern as he slowly lifted the nymph onto his back; she looked utterly exhausted. Typically she was a light sleeper, but now even his slow movement didn’t stir so much as a squirm from her slumbering body.  “And what are you doing out so late?”  He whispered to the sleeping ling', before glancing at the bathroom door. Locked. He gave a slow nod as his mind started to put the pieces together. After a moment of thought he gave a knock.  “Ahem, you know it’s far too late to be out with your friends.” he warned with the sternness of a father but the gentleness of a morning breeze, “I’m afraid if you don't come out soon I'll be forced to use my master key to come in and get you. “Oh... Sorry, I’m finishing up; I’ll be out in a few minutes.” The tone made it immediately clear which of the foals was on the other side of the door. While he hadn't spent as much time as he'd like with the newest foal in his care, her general attitude and reluctance made her easy to pick out. That combined with what he’d heard from Carapace in their one on one conversations left him with no doubts who was behind the door however. After another minute the door slowly clicked as the filly slowly waddled out. He was immediately taken aback by her state: she looked absolutely filthy. He had planned to have a talk with her, but he supposed that could wait till after Phoenix had a proper bath now.   I’d only just gotten out of the bath, still wet, before Virulent Lesson came bounding back up to me.  “I know its late and you'd like to sleep, but we need to have a serious talk. You know, you’re making us worry. Your friends especially.” He informed me as if that were some obscure piece of information. I was fully aware they were worried and that was part of the problem. I just wanted them to bugger off and stop worrying. Don't they have something better to do? “We are not friends.” I countered.  “Oh?” he raised a brow in a mock expression of surprise, “than what are you?” “A pony who wants to be left alone and a group of creatures that don’t get that memo.” “Is that so?”  “Yes.” “From the way Carapace described things you seemed quite close.” “listen, no office to her but we are not close as much as she wishes that to be true. And I don’t want to be.” “Whys that?” “Because I just want to be alone.” I replied to which he gave a small nod of understanding. “I see.” he slowly leaned back as his eyes studied me for a long moment, “Then I only have one question, why do you want to be alone?” “That doesn't matter.” I huffed  “Quite the contrary. As your current legal guardian your well being means a lot to me and it's clear something is upsetting you. I just want to know what.”  “I don’t want to say.”  “Understood. However Phoenix, as your current guardian I am legally obligated to care for your emotional and mental health just as much as your physical. Now, I know you dislike your meetings with Dr. Mirage which is why I have not forced you to have one  since you arrived. However, If you're state countries to decline like this I will be forced to involve him once more.” I felt my cheeks heat up with frustration as this threat.  “I don't want to see that quack again!”    Virulent lesson gave an understanding nod at the filly's outburst. Unfortunately his hoof was being forced on the matter, she was clearly in a bad place and while he’d dealt with a number of troubled foals all of which were parental. Phoenix’s was… Something else, and admittedly something he felt he would not be able to adequately fix himself given the current developments. Due to this he felt a need to reach out to Mirage once again for his expertise. He had only avoided it up to this point because he hoped Carapace and her friends might be able to wrestle Phoenix out of her funk themselves. Unfortunately Phoenix seemed to be just as resistant to them as Mirage. As a result Carapace’s own state was still seeming to suffer. He let out a long, tired, sigh as he tried to work a way out of his position. After several moments of brooding and reflecting on the issue, he came to what he the believed may be his only option aside from Mirage. “I’ll tell you what Phoenix. I won’t get Mirage If you promise me two things.”  “Those being?” Her face lighting up in a mix of curiosity and skepticism. Which was at least better than her normal scowls or callous expressions. “You follow a special schedule I plan to give you, starting tomorrow, and secondly come back to me at the end of each week for a talk.” Truthfully it was three criteria, but he was afraid if he told Phoenix the third one, which was that her current condition needed to improve, she would just lie. Thus missing the whole point of this.  “And what would this schedule include?”  “Nothing terribly difficult or demanding. Something like actually attending the designated meal times you've been skipping, one hour of group book club, one hour of rec, one hour in arts and crafts, and one hour at the end of the day to reflect. Now granted that's just my current idea and are broad strokes and will likely contain a bit more. But I’ll give you the specifics tomorrow when I have the schedule complete.”  Phoenix grimaced a bit at the suggestion, but she didn’t seem to outright oppose it.  “And how would I go about proving at the end of the week I do these things?” “Simple, a buddy policy. You’ll be attending these with at least one other creature who can account that you actually participated.” The filly squirmed in her seat for a few long minutes at the offer before asking her final question.  “And,” she began with all the meekness of a sheep, “what would we discuss at the end of the week?”  To which Virulent Lesson shrugged, much to Phoenix surprise.   “Whatever you like. Your book club, the weather, hoofball cards if that's your thing'” he proposed. The filly squirmed again in her seat as she seemed to weigh her options. Before finally giving her answer. To which Virulent lesson gave a pleased nod.  “I’ll make the arrangements. Now you should get some rest. You could use it.”