She put the key in the lock and turned it. The knob turned and the door swung freely open. She stopped. The apartment was deathly quiet.
Wallflower thought it quite odd. Sunset was usually home at this time and preparing dinner.
“Sunset?” she called into the apartment.
No answer.
“Maybe she went out,” Wallflower reasoned. It wasn't unusual for Sunset to realize she was missing an important ingredient and have to run out to get it. The beginning mess in the kitchen was evidence of that.
“Good,” she thought, dropping her book bag, “it's better if she's not here. Perhaps, it's best if I do it alone.”
She locked the door behind her and removed her jacket and shoes. She tried her best to put them neatly away. Last thing she wanted to do was to leave a mess for others to clean up.
She made her way to the bedroom, stopping once again when she noticed the bathroom door ajar and the light on.
“Sunset?” she called again. A knot started to form in her gut. Something was definitely not right.
Slowly she walked to the bathroom and pushed the door open. Her heart stopped when she laid eyes on the scene before her.
“Sunset?” she cried, “Sunset!” She quickly rushed to her girlfriend's side, checking for any signs of life. Sunset's breathing was shallow.
Wallflower searched for a pulse. She found one, but it was very weak. “Hang on, Sunset. Please!” She grabbed a towel and pressed it to the wound in attempt to stop the bleeding, holding the arm aloft as she did so. Reaching into the drawer, she pulled out the tape and wrapped the arm and towel together tightly.
“Stay with me, Sunset Shimmer,” she pleaded, as she pulled out her phone, “Please!”
---
Wallflower paced anxiously in the hospital waiting lounge. One question rattled her mind: Why?
Sunset wasn't the type of girl to cut herself. Why did she even start?
What is because of her? Had she driven Sunset to do this?
She slumped into a chair. So many questions, not an answer in sight.
Shouts drew her from her reverie.
Wallflower looked up. Three girls were running toward her.
“Wallflower!” Pinkie Pie called, “We came as soon as we heard. How is she? How are you?”
“I don't know,” Wallflower said meekly, “Doctors are working on her now. No one has said anything to me.”
Applejack rubbed her head. “I jus' don't git it. This ain't like Sunset at all.”
“She always looked so happy,” added Fluttershy.
“Looks can be deceiving,” Wallflower said softly. She stood at attention as a doctor came walking their way.
“You Sunset Shimmer's friends?” he asked.
“Yes!” Wallflower blurted, “I'm her girlfriend. How is she?”
The doctor sighed, “Stable, but she's lost a lot of blood. You're lucky to have found her when you did.”
“Has she regained consciousness?” asked Fluttershy.
“Not yet. I'm afraid it's touch-and-go until she does.”
“May we see her?” asked Wallflower.
The doctor nodded and directed them to follow him. He led them through the ER department to the small room where Sunset was laying.
Wallflower stopped short when she came to the door.
“May I have a quick word with you, Miss—?”
“Wallflower Blush.”
The doctor introduced himself as Doctor Heartly before continuing: “Miss Wallflower. You said you're Sunset's girlfriend. Are you two living together?”
“Yes.”
“So, you spend a lot of time together?”
“Between our work and school, yes. May I ask what this is about?”
“Forgive me, I'm trying to be as gentle as possible with this. But, has Sunset shown any suicidal tendencies? Any bouts of depression?”
Wallflower shook her head.
“Any unexplained or unusual cuts or marks?”
“No, Sunset's one of the most upbeat people I know! Believe me, doctor, this is a shock to all of us!”
Dr. Heartly sighed. “Yes, of course. My apologies. Please, go see your girlfriend. If you need anything, the nurse is just right outside.”
Wallflower thanked him before entering the room. What she saw made her heart sink.
Sunset Shimmer laid on the small bed, she looked barely alive. For a moment, Wallflower feared the worst. If not for the subtle rise and fall of Sunset's chest, one may have thought so.
Sunset's wounded arm had been freshly bandaged and IV fluid lines were attached to her other. Wallflower followed the tubes up to two bags—one of saline, the other of blood. The blood bag seemed to be half-empty. Wallflower wondered just how many bags they'd already gone through.
Slowly, she made her way to Sunset's good side, careful not to disturb the heart monitor that was on Sunset's finger.
Holding back her emotion, Wallflower took Sunset's hand and squeezed it.
“Please,” she whimpered, “come back to us. Come back to me. I don't know how I can live without you.” She tried so hard and was so good at keeping her composure. But, when someone laid a hand on her shoulder, Wallflower just lost it.
She didn't know who held her as she cried, but she knew Sunset would have wanted them to.
She cried till she was exhausted, and then she wept again.
When Wallflower woke up, she was seated in a chair with a blanket draped over her. Fluttershy and Twilight were gone. Only Applejack was still there.
Wallflower rubbed her eyes. She jolted slightly when someone touched her arm.
“Hey,” Applejack said gently, “ya seem pretty beat. Why don't ya go home and get some rest? Do ya have a ride?”
“But, Sunset...” Wallflower mumbled.
“Ya ain't no good to Sunset if yer like this.”
Slowly, Wallflower saw the reason and nodded. Applejack helped her to her feet and announced that she would be seeing Wallflower home.
Wallflower was of little mood to protest.
It was a quiet, somber ride to the apartment building. Wallflower stared out the window into the night sky, lost in her thoughts. No matter how she tried to arrange it, she couldn't wrap around any of the events of that evening.
Nothing made sense.
Suddenly, Sunset Shimmer was no longer a girl she knew—no longer the girlfriend she'd come to love.
She was pulled out her reverie by Applejack pulling in and parking the pickup truck in the visitor parking.
“Why are you parking?” she asked.
The farm girl grinned, “I'll be darned if Sunset ever finds out I took ya home and neglected ta do it proper.”
Wallflower blinked, “You're gonna walk me to my door?”
Applejack's grin widened, “Sure am!”
“I'm not getting out of this, am I?”
“Nope!”
Wallflower sighed. She was far too tired to argue. “Sunset sure has some good friends.”
“Hey now!” Applejack yelped, “Ya know that we're yer friends, too!”
---
She put the key in the lock and turned it. The knob turned and the door swung freely open. She stopped. The apartment was dark and deathly quiet.
Wallflower stood in the doorway. For once, the thought of stepping foot into the apartment sickened her. She didn't want to go in. She wanted to run away and never return.
But, Applejack was standing behind her, waiting for her to enter.
And something was calling to her. Something from deep inside the apartment was summoning her by name.
She knew what it was—and it disgusted her all the more.
“Uhm... everything okay, Wallflower?”
“Yes, sorry,” she turned to Applejack with a broad smile, “I'm just a little tired.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “More than 'jus' a little'.”
“Perhaps,” Wallflower giggled, “Well, you've done your duty and seen me home.”
“Yeah,” Applejack shuffled her feet, “I ain't so sure about that now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Be honest, Wallflower, you don't wanna go in thar, and, to be honest with ya, I don't rightfully blame you.”
“So, what are you proposing?”
“Why don't ya spend the night at my place? We've go the extra room and Granny can make a right breakfast in the mornin'”
Wallflower turned back to the apartment, unsure.
“C'mon, Wallflower,” Applejack pleaded, “Ya don't wanna stay here, least till we get the place cleaned up.”
Wallflower sighed. Applejack was right. No one would be able to live in the apartment for a while.
“Fine,” she said, turning on the apartment lights, “Let me pack a few things.” She took a few steps in, Applejack following close behind.
“Take yer time. I'll tidy up a bit out here.”
Wallflower looked around the living area. In the panic and the shuffle, some things had gotten tossed around. She looked to the kitchen where Applejack was already putting away the food that had been left out.
It wasn't right. Sunset should have been the one putting it all away.
Wallflower tried to pull herself away.
No, something was pulling her away.
“I'm going to take a shower.”
She could hear Applejack saying something, but she couldn't hear. She went to the bedroom and closed the door. She walked through the bedroom to the bathroom, turned on the light and stopped.
What laid before her made her innards churn.
The blood—Sunset's blood—was everywhere.
Though now dried, it looked fresh in Wallflower's mind.
The feeling arose in her again. The feeling to leave—to go and never return.
Yet, there was also another feeling—a much stronger feeling. One that broke through her inhibitions and drove her to step into the bathroom and go straight to the vanity, to the bottom right-hand drawer.
She forcefully pulled it open and dove her hand underneath the first aid supplies. She grabbed hold of a little box she'd hidden there before EMS arrived. Grasping it firmly in her hand, she pulled it out, undoing her buckle and dropping her pants as she did so.
She sat on the tub and pulled out a little paper wrapped item and set the box aside. Wallflower removed the paper and looked at the razor with contempt.
She cursed it. She cursed herself for it.
She should have gotten rid of them when Sunset discovered them. Better yet, she should have had Sunset throw them all out for her.
Maybe then, she wouldn't be lying half-dead in a hospital bed.
Wallflower sucked in a bitter breath through her teeth and pressed the razor to her thigh.
What are you doing? A voice yelled in her head, Sunset nearly died! She could still die, and you're doing this?
Wallflower could feel the words choking up in her throat. “I feel like I don't have any other way,” she whimpered. “I'm sorry.”
She pressed deep and pulled downward. Instantly, she was met with the pain. She felt the blood trickle down her leg. She quickly pulled off her pants before they could become stained.
Without pausing to inspect her wound, Wallflower put the blade to her other thigh and slashed that, too.
Another wave of pain fell over her. The scent of fresh blood filled the air.
Yet, it wasn't enough. She still felt the guilt, the shame, the pain.
Wallflower rolled up her sleeve and looked at her arm. It was almost clear. Her scars looked no more than scratches. Amazing how well the body can heal itself.
But a body can't always heal.
Wallflower took in a deep breath as she placed the razor to her wrist. This was something she hadn't done in a long time. Would it still feel the same?
No time to think, she pulled the razor down her arm and released the fountain within.
She dropped the razor when she realized what she had done. Years of healing gone to waste with a single stroke.
And, yet, she couldn't look away. She watched as the blood trickled down her arm and dripped onto the floor. She reached out her arm, letting some of her blood fall and mix with Sunset's.
“Yes,” she thought, “the way it should be.”
Maybe it was the lack of blood, or maybe it was her exhaustion settling in, but Wallflower's eyelids felt droopy. She leaned forward and collapsed onto the floor.
She laid there, not wanting to move. She hated being in this position, but she hadn't the strength to move.
“How did it come to this?” she wondered, “How could I have let it go so far?”
It had started as a release; a means of coping.
A little nick here, a little scratch there.
Something to tell her that she was still here—something to say that she was still alive.
Soon, it became more than that.
Eventually, she couldn't live without it.
It had been a long day. She had let out a long sigh as she trudged up the last flight of steps. She had been exhausted, completely spent. The thought of home had been the only thing that had kept her going. From school, from to the bus stop, only one thing had remained focused in her mind.
Finally, she reached the apartment door.
“I'm home,” she said, as she opened the door. Almost immediately, she was met by the wonderful smell of baking green bean casserole. The enticing aroma had momentarily subverted her urges and brought a smile to her face. “Smells good in here.” Sunset, however, didn't seem too happy. “Hey, you okay?” She walked into the kitchen to greet her girlfriend.
“Yeah,” Sunset smiled, “just a little tired.”
Wallflower didn't think she kissed like she was tired. Still, she would be the good girlfriend.
“Well,” she said, relinquishing Sunset of the chef's knife, “seems you've done enough work. Take a little break and I'll finish the salad.”
Sunset looked relieved. It made Wallflower feel a bit better.
“If you don't mind. I only have the peppers left. You want a drink? How was class?”
Wallflower washed her hands before she started chopping. “Class was okay. And I'll just have water for now.”
“Learn anything interesting?”
“Not really. Just preparing for our exam next week. How big do you want these pieces?”
She could feel Sunset press against her, leaning over, peering over her shoulder. She relished the closeness.
“That's good.” Sunset set the glass of water down before leaving to check on the casserole. “What about your other classes?”
“Same. It's all finals. Afraid I may pull a few all-nighters in the next few days.” Nights she very well wasn't looking forward to.
“That's fine,” Sunset said, “so long as you let me help you relax later.”
Wallflower detected a hint of mischief in her voice. It made her form a small smile. “After,” she said, “you will have my undivided attention.” She threw the chopped peppers into the salad and gave it a good toss.
Slowly, her urges began to reappear. Maybe, she could get a quick fix. “How much longer till dinner?”
“Just under five minutes.”
No such luck.
---
Wallflower gathered up the dirty dishes from the table and carried them into the kitchen where Sunset was loading up the dishwasher. Placing the dishes on the counter, she wrapped her arms around Sunset, pulling herself tightly to the other woman. She needed this. She needed the closeness. She needed someone strong to hold onto. She wanted more.
“Seeing as we're both tired,” she said, “why not call it an early night?”
“Don't you have homework?”
“Nothing I can't get done before class. And,” Wallflower yawned, “I can do it better after a good night's rest.”
“Okay,” chuckled Sunset, “I suppose going to bed early would do us both a bit of good. Grab me a detergent pod.”
Wallflower reached under the sink and pulled a pod from the container. “Here,” she said, handing it to Sunset, “Can you take it from here? I want to take a shower.”
“Yeah, I'm just about done. Towels are in the dryer.”
Wallflower gave one more squeeze before walking off to the bedroom. Along the way, she stopped by the laundry room, which was just off the kitchen, and pulled out a large towel.
She dropped her clothes into a heap on the bathroom floor and turned on the water. She laid out on the bed some clean clothes to change into before she returned to the bathroom and closed the door. Even though she knew Sunset was occupied in the kitchen, she locked the door behind her.
She tried to avoid it. Maybe, if she didn't look at it.
“Take shower, snuggle with Sunset,” she told herself, “You don't need that. Well still...” her hand quivered, “Maybe...”
She opened a bottom drawer of the bath vanity and reached inside. At the very back, underneath the first aid supplies, she found her prize.
She pulled out the small box and, with shaking hands, opened it. She took hold of one of its contents with a finger and her thumb and set the box aside.
She felt her heart quicken as she gently unfolded the paper. It filled her with disgust.
And yet, she couldn't throw it away.
She hated doing it, but she also yearned for the release. She'd wanted to stop. She'd tried to stop.
But, every time, she always ended up coming back.
The room had already begun to fill up with steam.
“Good,” Wallflower thought, “better not to see it...”
She looked down and felt the urge to retch again. How she'd come to hate that part of her body. But, she had no other choice.
She used to cut her arms, but, after starting to date Sunset, that all changed.
Thankfully, Sunset respected boundaries, but Wallflower couldn't risk an accidental touch—especially once they started sharing a bed. After that, her inner thighs seemed the only safe place.
Wallflower sat on the edge of the bathtub, a handful of tissues at the ready.
“Let's get this over with,” she seethed. She pressed the razor into her flesh.
Immediately, she regretted it. She let out a silent scream in pain, cursing herself.
“Why?” she hissed. Her urge had already abated, why did she still do it?
Almost immediately, she knew why: She was addicted to the high.
Endorphins, endocannabinoids, adrenaline, they had flooded her brain and shattered her body.
But, now that she had started, she had to see it through.
She made a quick check of her wound. A thin line of blood was trickling down from it. Wallflower wiped it with her tissues to find that most of if was already dried. In many ways, she was relieved.
“Okay,” she thought, reaching for the first aid supplies, “This should be an easy cleanup. Then onto the shower...”
---
She laid on the bed, clean and refreshed. With Sunset in the bathroom doing her nightly routine, she took a moment to check on her wounds. She'd exited the bathroom with two cuts on her legs—though one was intentional, the other was not.
Slowly, she removed her bandages. Both had stopped bleeding and were scabbing quite nicely.
Wallflower replaced her bandaging. She wondered what was keeping Sunset. She frowned when she heard something fall into the trash can with a thud.
She sat up. “You okay in there, Sunset?” she called.
The bathroom door slowly opened, revealing Sunset, her face paled.
Wallflower felt all the blood drain from her face. “Oh, shit!” her mind cried, “She's found something!”
“Is something wrong?” she said aloud.
“Are you bleeding?” Sunset asked.
“What?” She noticed the tissues in Sunset's hand, “Oh, no! Well not anymore. I nicked myself while shaving.” She pulled up her pajama pants leg to reveal her carefully bandaged unintentional cut. “You sure you're okay?” She began to rise from the bed, “Sunset? You're looking pale.”
“I...” Sunset began, “I don't know.”
Wallflower quickly took the bloody tissues from Sunset, making her jump.
“Well,” she smiled, walking into the bathroom, “let's put these back where they belong.” She threw the tissues back into the trash and began hastily to hide any previous evidence. “What were you doing digging in the trash anyway?”
“I dropped my toothpaste.”
Wallflower was still moving tissues around. “Did you get it out? No, wait, here it is.” She placed the tube back on the counter and made a mental note to empty the trash in the morning. Her next objective was to get Sunset out of there. She stood up and started walking out of the bathroom, grabbing Sunset as she did so. “Come on,” she said, pulling Sunset to the bed, “you seem extremely tired tonight.”
She smiled, relieved, when Sunset put up no resistance. Instead, falling directly on the mattress.
“Yeah,” she said, “maybe you're right.”
“You know I'm right,” Wallflower said as she climbed onto her side of the bed and shuffled underneath the covers. She pressed her body snugly against Sunset's.
Sunset must have liked it, too. A moment later Wallflower felt two arms wrap around her. She basked in the warmth.
“Maybe, we can have a nice, big breakfast in the morning,” said Sunset.
Wallflower let out a yawn. “Yeah, that sounds good.” She snuggled her face into Sunset's shoulder and quickly fell asleep.