It was quiet out. It tended to be when you were walking alone through the middle of nowhere during the night. Silence was not something Phoenix experienced too often as of recent. Since he discovered that seemingly all of Equestria began to think he was dating one of their princesses, almost every moment was filled with ponies either running up to him or shouting from afar. As much as Phoenix loved to talk with the natives of this foreign world, it quickly became old. Having to answer questions he didn't seem to have the answers to was one thing; having to do it over and over again with the same question was another.
"What's it like to date a princess?"
"How long have you and Princess Luna been together?"
"When did you figure out she was the one?"
It was cute at first, honestly. However, as the same question got asked over and over again and Phoenix had to give the same non-answer over and over again, he became annoyed. Not necessarily with the ponies, they didn't know better. He mostly became annoyed with himself. He wasn't able to give anypony a straight answer. They all seemed so... Excited. He didn't want to let them down by telling them they have it wrong... On the other hand, he didn't want to lie to them. So he tried to be as vague as possible with his responses. This just left both him and the star-struck pony disappointed and unfulfilled.
The ponies wishing to know more about Luna and his relationship wasn't the worst noise. Nor were the handful of news ponies that tried to get an interview with him that bad... It was the sycophants that tried to get him to be involved with some event they were planning that drove him up the wall. Of course, the stipulation of his invitation was that he had to bring Luna along. These ponies were either painfully unaware of their lack of subtlety or simply didn't care. Which one was worse was still up in the air.
How did the princesses handle these snobs? They must have been dealing with countless self-righteous nobles for longer than he's even been alive, yet he can't stand listening to one for five minutes. He supposed that's why they were princesses and he wasn't. Among other things, of course.
What in the world was Luna thinking? She must have known that her vague answer would seem like a confirmation of these seemingly out of nowhere rumors. What's her game here? Did she think it was funny? Maybe it is... A little. Is Phoenix missing something here? Maybe they are actually in a relationship and he's just too dense to realize it? Has he gone through some cultural ritual he's not aware of? If that was the case, Luna would probably already come to visit him by now... It's probably some joke.
"I wonder how Twilight's doing with this..." Phoenix mumbled
Applejack's report of Twilight almost breaking into tears when she heard the news definitely shook him a bit... So what if he was dating Luna? What's there to cry about? He did tell her everything... Maybe she was hurt he didn't tell her? That seems a bit much, even for Twilight. There's plenty of thing he kept to himself and Twilight was never upset about it... Though it would be hard to be upset about not knowing something if you don't know that you don't know. Nevertheless, Twilight knew he had secrets he kept from her. He's told her that... Which is usually followed by him confessing his secrets. Still, crying over it doesn't seem like Twilight.
Was she worried that he'd spend less time with her? That seemed a bit silly, there's no way she liked him that much... Was there? Thinking about it now, this is the longest he's ever spent away from Twilight since he arrived in Equestria. Nearly everyday, Phoenix had at least spoken to Twilight once...
Actually, there wasn't a day he didn't speak to her. That's a bit odd, isn't it? He didn't realize that until now. It's not like he went out of his way to see her everyday. They just always happened to bump into each other, or at least that's what he thought.
Did she make an effort to see him everyday? Why would anyone do that? He barely tolerates seeing himself everyday. What could possess a person, or pony for that matter, to try and see the same person everyday? As much as Phoenix loves Twilight and her friends, there are some days where being alone is nice. Twilight must really like him if she always went to see him everyday. He can understand checking in on him everyday when he first came to Equestria, he was as lost as a blind man in a corn maze. After he got the ropes though, he didn't really see the point of constant check ups. Maybe he was thinking too much into it. Maybe it really was all just a coincidence.
Not that he minded seeing Twilight, of course. He enjoyed his time with Twilight more than his time with any other pony. Especially enjoyed it more than being really alone like he his now... It wasn't just now, however, he felt so alone. This feeling of dread and loneliness has been haunting him for months. Ever since Celestia told him he couldn't go home... Even while constantly surrounded by friends for nearly every waking moment, the dark wave of true loneliness and dread continually loomed over his shoulder.
He hoped nopony had noticed this flood. He already had taken so much of their time and energy, he didn't want to take anymore. Luckily enough for him, it seemed like the flowing loneliness only flowed in him. His emotional dam, though certainly decommissioned for the most part, still kept others safe from the rushing emotions within him. Signs of wear and tear seemed to be present, though. Twilight seemed to be clingier than usual, offering him a permanent room in her castle, offering to take him to all her favorite places everyday, asking every time she saw him if he was okay.
Phoenix didn't like lying, let alone to Twilight. That didn't stop him from doing just that, however. Each time she asked, he lied to her. He told her everything was fine, that he was fine, that he didn't even want to go home anyway. That wasn't true. He wished he could go back and say goodbye to his friends and family. He wished he could have taken a step back from the world he viewed as dark and devoid of hope and been able to realize that the old world was just the opposite. It was bright and brimming with hope. Whether or not he contributed to it didn't matter. He did his best and that's what counts, naysayers be damned. He knew if he could just go back, he could do so much more... Be here he was, stuck in a land where nearly everything he thought was true was false and vice versa. What could he possibly do here?
It wasn't just Twilight who saw the cracks in his facade. Fluttershy caught him too. She spotted him on his way to the Everfree Forest and stopped him. She asked what was wrong and he lied. He said nothing was wrong, he just wanted to walk. Clearly, she knew something was wrong as she insisted on walking with him. So he let her...
If only he didn't.
Walking with her in silence left him to his thoughts. With the gentle mare by his side, he couldn't help but think how she would have reacted if she didn't catch him that night. She'd be horrified... And that horrified him. The thought that seemed so appealing when he first went out to do it turned his stomach into knots as he thought about how she would react. It shook him to his core... That night, he was too scared to be alone. He knew that if she left, the thoughts would return and he would have gone back out and finished his goal. If he did that, he wouldn't be on this stupid trip.
Why does Twilight always have to be right? Though she may not be right in the way she wants to be in this case. This was a bad idea. With more time to be alone and more time to think, the more confused and lost he became. He thought he wanted this... Now he doesn't know what he wants.
Maybe that's why he did it. Maybe a small part of him wanted to talk himself out of this. Somewhere deep down, there was a part of him that wanted to stay with his friends, that wanted to stay with Twilight. Now that he was out here alone, he recognized that part of him, but he couldn't help but also see the other part of him. The part that he knew all his life... Now being able to retreat into his own mind, he could step back and truly see who was in control, and he despised what he saw.
What he saw was himself.
That's who he was and still is. How could anyone like that part of him? That part that faced the world his whole existence? No amount of love for his friends could outweigh his hatred for that part of him. For himself...
If only Twilight was here. She'd know what to say. She always did. Even when she didn't, being in her presence always seemed to calm him down. It was like looking at her reminded him that the world hadn't ended and neither did his world. There was still something to look forward to... On Earth, he'd say that she reminded him that the sun still rises no matter what, but given that the sun rising is dependant on a certain pony raising it in Equestria, he refrains from using the phrase. Still, she did just that. She didn't even have to say anything, she just had to smile...
Shaking his head, Phoenix tossed the thought out of his head. He couldn't think about her like that - it'd make this journey all that harder. He can't handle making it any more difficult. If he continued down that path, he might just have to pick up his stuff and rush back to Ponyville... He knows he can't do that. He's already give up control to fate and he has to let fate show him the way. If it's meant to be, fate will certainly show him that.
This moment probably wasn't the best time to think about it. Phoenix had been walking for hours. He was tired, achey, and hungry; otherwise known as "not the best time to have an existential crisis." Once he found a clearing, he could sit down and rest. Maybe after a good night's sleep he'd feel better and less empty in the morning.
That was it... He was just tired. When he woke up, his doubts and odd infatuation with Twilight and what she's thinking would be gone.
~~~~~~
"Phoenix?" A voice called out in what felt like the endless void. The voice certainly sounded familiar... And was that voice sad? It sounded like it was holding back a sob, "Phoenix, please. Wake up,"
"Ugghh," Phoenix groaned as he peeked open his eyes, quickly being assaulted by the shining light of a nearby lantern. He tried to lift his arm up to block the sudden light, but a sudden pain kept him from continuing the motion. It looked like he was bandaged up... Something bad must have gotten him. When his eyes finally adjusted to the light and his vision unblurred, he saw he was in a bed... It wasn't his bed. Glancing around, he certainly could tell it wasn't his house. It looked familiar though. Very... Tree-like. Was this Fluttershy's cottage?
"P-Phoenix!" The voice sniffled, a sudden weight shifted the bed as he felt something soft, warm, and... damp, press up against his cheek, Two equally soft and warm, but not damp limbs went to his shoulders, "What were you thinking?"
"What?..." Phoenix asked in confusion. Once his mind finally caught up with what his eyes were seeing, he saw a certain purple pony pressed up against him, her cheek on his as she sobbed, "Twilight... I-I'm sorry,"
Twilight sniffled again as she pulled away and looked into his eyes, "Why? What were you doing out there?..."
Phoenix sighed as he looked away, "Don't make me answer that... Please."
"I'm sorry. T-this is all my fault. I should have known you were struggling. I should have d-done more."
"Don't you dare," Phoenix said through gritted teeth, "Don't... You did everything you could have done... You did more than you should've... I did this to myself. I don't deserve you..."
"Phoenix..." Twilight mumbled as tears began to pour from her eyes, "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I-I've been an awful friend."
Phoenix frowned as he looked at the mare in confusion, "What are you talking about? You're an amazing friend Twilight; an amazing pony. It's just... I'm not. I'm nothing like you. I'm an awful friend and an awful person."
"No, you're not!" Twilight sobbed as she buried her face into his chest, "I-I'm so sorry for making you feel like you are. Like that you don't deserve friends... I've failed you, Phoenix. I'm s-so sorry."
"Twilight, stop it," Phoenix said in almost a whisper, tears threatening to come from his own eyes now, "You did everything you could and more... I just... I can't be saved."
"Phoenix!" Twilight choked as she looked up, "Don't say that! P-Please, just. Give me another chance. I promise I can make things better."
Phoenix sighed. "T-Twilight, I... You already made things amazing. I just... It's really not you. If it wasn't for you, I'd... I won't say what for your sake..."
"Please... Stay with me, Phoenix. If not for your sake then for mine," Twilight whimpered.
~~~~~~
"Was that your purpose for heading towards the Everfree Forest that night?"
Phoenix frowned as he looked around; he was no longer in bed with Twilight nor was he bandaged up anymore. He was standing in a black, starry sky like nothing ever happened, "W-What?"
"Is this truly your greatest reserve about ending your own life?" A voice called, "You're worried Twilight will blame herself?"
"What is happening?!" Phoenix called out in a mix of frustration and confusion
A sudden swirl of stars appeared before Phoenix, taking form in the shape of Princess Luna, as the stars so often did, "Please Phoenix, relax and talk to me. We can get through this together."
Phoenix glared at the pony as she approached him, a gentle and concerned look on her face, "There's nothing to get through."
"Phoenix, we both know that's not true," Luna frowned
"You shouldn't know that," Phoenix groaned, "What gives you the right to go snooping around in my dreams?"
"I don't just appear in any bad dream, Phoenix. I appear when a pony in distress calls out for me," Luna told as she approached, "Maybe you didn't call out to me, but some part of you did. Some part of you wants help... No, some part of you needs help."
"Well, looks like you got it wrong this time. No part of me wants help. There's nothing to help. Just leave me alone," Phoenix said as he crossed his arms.
"I can't in good conscious leave you alone. You just revealed to me that you intended to end your own life by walking into the Everfree Forest alone," Luna reminded
"I didn't reveal anything to you!" Phoenix shouted
Luna took a step back in surprise. She had never seen Phoenix get angry before, let alone hear him shout. The look in his eyes was a look she had never seen in a creature. It was rage, but not pure rage. Behind the rage was something else... Something like...
Fear.
This mix of rage and fear was all held together by two white, shaking orbs. Despite the emotions clouding his eyes, Luna could see right through them. Past those eyes, she saw a creature in turmoil and pain, one crying for help, but couldn't break out past those spheres of rage and fear.
"Phoenix... I'm sorry if you feel I've invaded your privacy, but I promise you my presence is in good faith. Please, just talk to me... In the morning I can send ponies to come and get you so we can further discuss with Twilight."
"No," Phoenix said sternly, "Absolutely not. I'm seeing this through until the end and I'm not taking any help."
"And what is the end, Phoenix?" Luna asked
"I don't know," Phoenix told as he looked away, "It's Crystal Empire or bust."
"Bust being your death, I'm assuming?"
Phoenix sighed as he looked away, the anger slipping from his face, "If that's what fate has in mind..."
"And how do you think Twilight is going to react to this news?" Luna asked as she tilted her head, "It seems like you care very much about how she'll react."
Phoenix froze in place as he turned slowly to face the pony, the previously disappearing anger coming back, "What are you trying to say, Luna?"
"I'm just saying that if it isn't me who is going to stop you, it will be Twilight... Your nightmare will become real."
"And you're going to tell her everything, are you?" Phoenix asked, staring Luna directly in the eyes
"I have to, Phoenix," Luna said solemnly
Phoenix shook his head as he took a step towards Luna, the rage building back up in his face, "Listen to me, I don't care that you're a goddamn princess. I don't care that you're powerful enough to lift the moon and walk dreams. You're dealing with a man who has nothing to lose."
Phoenix stomped up to Luna, bending over slightly as he pointed a finger at her, getting into her personal space, "But if you tell Twilight a word of what you saw... I don't know if you ponies believe in ghosts or the after life or whatever, but either way, I will haunt your conscious for the rest of your life. I promise you, you will never know a moment of peace nor the solace of rest ever again. Do I make myself clear, princess?"
Luna stood in shock as she stared at Phoenix, finger hovering just in front of her muzzle. Nopony nor any creature had ever spoken to her like that... Not even her own sister during her time as Nightmare Moon. Phoenix was right about one thing, he was a creature with nothing to lose. He didn't care about the consequences because as far as he was concerned, he would never face them. Luna felt a lump rise in her throat as she looked to the human pleadingly, silently begging him to reconsider, but the determination and anger in his eyes refused to die down.
"Phoenix... I'll respect your wishes. I will not tell Twilight and I will not interfere... I can tell that any action I might take will only ensure your demise," Luna said as she looked down, "Just know that... I consider you a very close friend. No amount of hostility you show towards me in this trying time will change that. I understand you're trying to distance yourself from me in case the worst does happen, but I promise you that I will be waiting for you at the Crystal Empire, cheering you on from a distance the entire way."
Phoenix sighed as he dropped his finger to his side and straightened his back, a resign look plastered his face as he looked away, "Why does everyone have to make this so hard..."
"We're not making it hard. It has always been hard..." Luna told, after a moment of silence, a cheeky smile spread across her face, "That's what she said."
Phoenix snorted loudly as he tried to cover his smile with his hand. He quietly shook his head as he dropped his hand to reveal his large grin, "God damnit, Luna. I'm trying to be mad with you over here."
"Phoenix, if I can't use anything in my power to stop you from this suicide march, then I'll do anything in my power to make sure you don't die mad," Luna said, her cheeky smile turning into a sympathetic one.
Phoenix sighed as he looked to the princess, a soft smile still on his face, "I don't know how you ponies do it... You always manage to make me feel just a little better."
"It's not just ponies... That's what it's like to open yourself up to your friends, to people you care about," Luna told
Phoenix took a deep breath as he rubbed his face and craned his neck upwards as if he was trying to look to the sky, "Luna, just... Y'know, despite Twilight and I being best friends and all, I always felt like you were gonna be the pony who was gonna break me. I tried so hard to be cold and distant, but every time we spoke... God, I just wanted to drop the whole act and have fun. I really hated it... It made everything hard... Or I guess it just made me realize what I was doing was hard. I don't know what it is about you, but I just felt like... I felt like you understood me."
"I suppose because I do understand you," Luna said as she took a step towards him, "I know what it's like to feel as if you don't belong in a new world. To feel like a monster... To question everything you've ever done. Though you never spoke it or even shown it, I could sense it. I treated you the way I wished to be treated... Does that sound familiar?"
"Too familiar," Phoenix said with a half-hearted laugh
Luna smiled as she stood on her hind legs and wrapped her forelegs around Phoenix, resting her muzzle on his shoulder. Phoenix sighed as he hugged back, nuzzling his cheek against hers as he closed his eyes. He never realized how much he missed real hugs like this... God, how long has it been?
"I think it's time I let you return to your slumber," Luna said with a small laugh, returning back to her hooves, "I shall see you next time in the Crystal Empire. I'm sure Twilight will be with me, eager to see your arrival."
"I hope so, Luna..." Phoenix said with a sigh, "I really do."