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// Day 44: Warp Speed Babyyy! 
// Story: Anon’s A Villain Because Of A Bet 
// by Yellowtail 
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I smile wickedly as the tank I ride rumbles and sputters. The minotaurs were a force to be reckoned with, but no amount of muscle can take on a tank. Although we did lose a tank in the siege, due to how steep this god forsaken mountain is, we succeeded with flying colors, taking down the kingdom within a month. Well, we’re currently still taking it down, but all that’s left is the king. 

We roll to a stop from a good distance in front of a fortress. The stone structure silently stands, looming over my army and tanks at the end of a long valley on top of the mountain. “Alright, show time,” I mutter, opening the hatch on top of the tank’s turret. I come out about halfway and cross my arms. “HEY!!! KING TAURON!!!” I yell. The Diamond dogs around me tense up as I snicker. “I’M HERE TO TAKE OVER THE COUNTRY!!!” Silence reigns before a head peeps over the top of the wall. 

“What?!” A voice echoes.

“I’M HERE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!” I yell.

“... What!?” The minotaur yells back.

“God dammit-“ I climb down the hatch and look at Bones. “Do you still, have the microphone I enchanted?” He hands me the device without looking, to which I nod in thanks. I poke my head out again. “I SAID- WE’RE TAKING OVER THE COUNTRY YOU TUB OF STEROIDS!!!” This time, the Minotaur hears me.

“Oh, sorry! Uh, we’re not surrendering! You’ll have to take this country from our cold dead hands!” The distant minotaur yells. 

“If you say so!” I yell back. I duck back into the tank, and look at the main gunner. “Fire when ready.” The dog salutes and quickly fires off a shell. To our surprise, the walls crumbled, and a domino affect occurs as the rest of the walls start crashing down. In the rubble, various minotaurs can be seen sticking out, dazed. “... Shit, that was effective,” I mutter. “Uh, let’s move on then-“ Before we could continue, a sound of thunder stops us. We shield our eyes and look down to see Luna, clad in- “Fire!” I yell, before the tank I ride on jolts back and a shell is shot. It hits Luna directly, sending her backwards as her armor shatters to a million pieces, and creating a large smoke cloud from where she lands. Silence reigns as we stare after the lunar princess. She stumbles into view, past the cloud, and coughs, before falling down.

“Did... did they win?” A minotaur asks, poking Luna with his hoof. He looks at me, to which I wave with a smile. “U-uh- w-we surrender!” He yells, throwing his hands up. I nod before a flash of light blinds me. 

“God dammit!” I yell. “Those fuckers keep blinding me with this teleporting bullshit I swear I’ll-“ 

“Sir!” Bones yells. I look down. “Luna’s escaped!” He cries. 

“So?” I ask. “She’ll be down for a while nonetheless. I doubt even she can barely handle a tank shell to the chest.”

“Uh, okay then,” Bones calls back. I look back and smile as the minotaurs peacefully, though reluctantly, walk out. 

“It’s time to blitzkrieg this bitch,” I say. I start laughing, slowly becoming maniacal.

“Sir?” Wretch asks from the side, next to my tank. I look down, irritated.

“What?” I ask.

“I have good news,” he says. He takes out a paper. “I had calculated that we wouldn’t be able to conquer this place until two or three days later.”

“And?” I ask impatiently.

“We’ve saved a lot of money sir,” he says. I scoff.

“And?” I ask again.

“We can afford certain parts for Project Noot-Noot sir!” He explains. I perk up.

“You don’t say?” I ask, slowly smiling. “Well well well! Let’s hurry up this victory then! We’ve got a city to burn!” I say.

“Sir, you can’t burn an underwater city,” Bones states.

“Just- just stop, alright? This is like- a big moment here,” I say. Bones shrugs.

“Sorry my lord,” he mutters.


One week later


I stand on a sandy beach with my hand in my coat’s pockets, watching the waves crash just before me, slowing to a halt before retreating back. This cycle repeats as I hum to myself. An army of Diamond dogs stand behind me, nervous. Bones steps up, fidgeting. “Sir? Um, I know we’re attacking the uh, sea ponies and hippogriffs today. Uh, do you have a plan?” He asks. I nod.

“Of course I do. Don’t worry, the dogs won’t even touch the water,” I say.

“Erm, how are we going to fight them?” Bones asks. “Shouldn’t we take advantage of our surprise attack?”

“Oh, there’s no surprise attack, I told them we’re coming,” I say. “I also told them that I had a powerful bomb that could take out their whole army in seconds.” Bones looks at me in confusion. “Also, that it’s completely ineffective in the bottom of the ocean.” Bones looks at me in shock.

“What!? Why!?” He yells.

“Just watch,” I say. Suddenly, a sea pony jumps out of the water ahead, followed by several more. They’re all clad in a strange grey armor, which seem shiny and untouched. I smile as they turn into hippogriffs in midair and fly towards me. Several dogs around me start stepping forward, but I usher them back with a wave of my hand. “Don’t intervene.” I turn and see the hippogriffs land in front of me, the leader of which, is Queen Novo. She glares at me as her guards surround me. 

“You are a fool,” she says. The dogs growl, but keep their distance as I simply laugh.

“No no, you see, there’s a reason I called you here,” I say. I look up at the sky. “It sure is a peaceful day. Not a cloud in sight,” I note. The guard glance at each other before keeping their glare on me. “And the temperature’s so warm and-“

“I refuse to talk about the weather to a maniac like you,” Novo says. “Now, surrender.” I look back at her, and crack a smile.

“Why should I? You have a few minutes before I make up my mind on what to do with you,” I say. She grimaces.

“You said in your message you wanted to discuss the terms of surrender,” she says.

“Yes, but I was talking about yours,” I explain. She looks at me in confusion. I chuckle as she frowns. “What? You think have a couple knives against my neck scares me?” She growls.

“Don’t play games! I’ve heard how you work- brute force and-“

“Hey, do you think it’s a bit... chilly, out here?” I interrupt. Novo and her guards look at me in confusion.

“What are you-“ A loud crash sounds out as a beam of magic hits the ocean, causing a large splash. Suddenly, the splash slows down before turning into ice. Shortly after, in seconds, from as far as the eye can see, the ocean is frozen.

Novo stares in terror before rushing to me and growling. “WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!?!?” She yells. The dogs and hippogriffs all stare in awe at the frozen sight. I simply smile menacingly.

“Solved global warming,” I smartass. “Don’t worry, the ice is only a mile deep. Anything that’s encased will practically be preserved for a while. Your quaint underwater city is untouched.” Novo looks at the ocean before looking back to me.

“How far does it go?” She asks. “The ocean can’t be covered for-“

“Oh, it doesn’t cover The whole ocean,” I say. “I allowed a little opening up north, near the Arctics.” Novo shudders at my calm tone.

“So, you’ve used up your leverage,” she says. “I can take you down right here, and wait for the ice to melt. In fact, Celestia hold gladly help.” I laugh.

“Nope. It won’t,” I say. She glares.

“Why?” She asks. 

“Magic ice,” I say. “See, I’ve had a lot of engineers and brainiacs design enchanted weapons and armor before. However, we found an enchantment that will freeze anything, and only melt if the user is either allowing it, or dies.” Novo smirks.

“So, you’re the key then?” She asks, as her guards point their spears at me again. 

“Nope. Some random dog on the other side of the world is,” I correct, making her frown. 

“What?” She asks. “N-no, this much magic is-“

“It’s ridiculously amplified,” I answer. “I am quite literally paying a dog to eat, sleep and breathe.” Novo shakes her head before looking at the iced-over ocean in horror.

“No- no!” She yells. She falls to her knees as she takes in what’s happened. “... Y-you’re lying,” she says. I frown. “Someone had to cast the magic- and that means the caster is still near.” Novo gets up and turns to me, smiling in a newfound confidence. “All we need to do is fly up and grab your caster! Nothing artificial can fly faster than us! Guards! Fly up and grab that caster!” With that, the guards around me take off and race towards the heavens as Novo looks at me with a victorious smug look. The dogs, still a little ways off, look at me.

“Um, should we-“

“Stay out, this is going to plan,” I say. Novo frowns at my calm look. We wait, as the wind fills in the silence the ocean usually filled. Instead of waves, a wind blows aimlessly. The cold from the iced ocean starts making the atmosphere colder. The Queen glares at me in anticipation, waiting for her guard’s arrival. Sweat starts to drip down her face as minutes for by. Eventually, all the guards come back, exhausted. 

“They- they were too-“ they pant.

“Spit it out! What happened!?” She yells, freaking out as everything falls apart. I smile.

“My dogs were too high,” I say, causing her to look at me in disbelief. “See, here’s the difference between a hippogriff and a griffon.” I start walking around her, as fear forms on her face. “A griffon is built to fly. They’re used to the light pressure at even 60,000 feet in the air.” I turn towards her with a smile. “But hippogriffs? They’re different, aren’t they? They don’t just fly, they swim.” I cross my arms. “Although they magically change their bodies in water, they are still a primarily sea-based creature, correct?” Novo looks at me in shock. “I don’t know to what the highest altitude they can reach is, but I’m guessing they can’t fly as high as griffons.” Novo shakes with anger, as she glares at me.

“You... You!” She yells. 

“Ah ah ah,” I say. “If you take me down, my dogs won’t let your people go. The same people who were told it’s safer to be underwater. You know, in case something like a nuke came into play.” Novo growls, gritting her teeth. 

“Alright,” she says. “You win, but there’s a whole other Hippogriffian kingdom not under my control.” She smiles. “And you can’t possibly win against them.”

“On the contrary, I won’t even have to fight!” I say excitedly. I pull out a pen and paper, and hold them in front of her with a smile. She looks at it in confusion.

“... What is this?” She asks. 

“Writing materials,” I say, I lean in. “So that you can tell the hippogriffs that their former queen is in danger, and requests a peaceful surrender from them so that the big bad villain Anon doesn’t touch a feather on your wing.” Novo looks at me in anger. “And if they don’t surrender, that the big bad Anon is going to keep the poor queen’s subjects locked in an ice cage.” Novo shakes her head.

“You’re despicable,” she says. 

“No, I just didn’t want to waste time,” I reply. I hand her the pen and paper. “And just so we’re clear, I could have done much worse. I could have snuck to your city, and frozen it myself from the bottom of the ocean. I wouldn’t make it as cold as this cover layer up here. No, it’d be just cold enough to freeze all of your loved ones to a slow, immobile, cold death.” Novo glares at me as I smile and back away. “Now, one more little favor, and it’ll all be over!” She sighs.

“What?” She asks.

“I like insurance policies. Especially ones that insure my success!” I say. “So how does a little forced vacation sound? We wouldn’t want you to bother setting up a counter attack for your subjects after all!” She glares. “What, I’m not totally heartless! Right after you send your letter, I’ll let go of the ocean! Hell, I’ll even ask one of these guards of yours to deliver a new set of rules that’ll keep the whole place running smoothly!” Novo looks at me in distrust, but starts writing her letter...


A sea pony clears her throat as she takes up a message delivered from above. “Um, another set of tax legislations,” she says. A sea pony, sitting next to her with a water-proof typewriter sighs.

“Please, Celestia, no,” he mutters.

“New tax rule 71: If you write a letter, pay up the cheddar,” she says. “New tax rule 72: All legal nitwits, pay me the bits.”

“WHY DOES EVERY BUCKING TAX LAW RHYME!?!?” The writing sea pony yells.

“I DON’T KNOW- BUT HE HAS OUR QUEEN HOSTAGE SO JUST KEEP WRITING!!!” The reading sea pony yells back. Sighing, she continues depressingly. “New tax rule 73: Diss the my tax rhyme, it becomes a pay time. Celestia damn it...”