//------------------------------// // Chapter 5: Wide Awake // Story: A Human's Walk Across Equestria // by JadedandDazed //------------------------------// Dear Luna, Or is that too formal? Since we're dating, maybe I should start calling you babe or even better... Lulu. You should really tighten up your inner circle because it looks like somepony leaked our terrible secret to the press. I can't believe something we worked so hard to keep a secret, so secret in fact that neither of us even knew about it, could just be published like that! It's a shame that the Equestrian Inquirer had to be the one to break the news to the public and not us. Imagine the surprise on everypony's face when we stood side by side, hand in hoof, and announced our undying love. Could you imagine the cheers and love throughout Equestria, Lulu? I know I have only just proven myself a "worthy public servant" but I can already see our wedding day. It would truly be a spectacle for all to enjoy. I appreciate to hear your concern with my journey as reported by the Inquirer. Just know that your human lover is always thinking of you too. Perhaps you can visit me when I arrive to Manehattan or take a romantic sightseeing excursion with me at Neighgra Falls. I miss you so much already, my love. Please tell Celestia that I thank her for the opportunity at the fundraiser. Without her help, our true love would never have been realized. I can't wait for our reunion... And our union~ Your true love, Phoenix the Human Princess Luna looked up from the letter with a bright blush and shock written across her face. Her attention turned to her sister. A huge grin had appeared on her face, clearly trying to prevent herself from launching into a fit of hysterics. "Sister..." Luna glared at the white Alicorn, "This is serious." "I know, true love is nothing to joke about," Celestia said as her grin grew wider, "Lulu~" "Celestia!" Luna scoffed, "Clearly there's been some sort of breach here! How else would a measly tabloid paper know about my surveillance on Phoenix?" Celestia shook her head as she finally let out a small laugh, "Sister, you've been bringing pony after pony into the castle trying to find information on Phoenix's whereabouts. It's not hard to imagine that one of them went and talked to the press... And I must say, you're doing an awful amount of research on Phoenix's little trip when you yourself said there was no reason to it." "Well, new information has changed my position on the matter," Luna said as she shifted uncomfortably, glancing over at the article Phoenix sent over, "I've been writing with Twilight Sparkle since Phoenix left Canterlot to discuss his behavior. Twilight seems to have noticed a concerning change as well." Celestia frowned as she glanced towards the ground. Phoenix's behavior just a week prior did catch her attention, but she did not think much of it. For as long as she had known Phoenix, the only thing she knew about him was that she knew nothing about him. She always thought his unsociable and isolated behavior was a result of the sadness caused by his separation from home. She wouldn't say it out loud, but she almost prefered Phoenix's new behavior. The usual silent, reserved, and stoic human seemed to have found a second wind for life. He was talkative, emotional, and humorous outside of just self-deprecating comments and dry humor. At the time, she thought Phoenix's "new" behavior was not necessarily something new for him, but something new to her. Though, now that she thinks about it from a concerned lense, there was a change that did concern her. Despite the many personality flaws she had come to know over his long stay, there was one quality she always admired. His patience. No matter the situation, no matter the pony, Phoenix was always able to sit still and listen. He was focused and attentive. Small ticks that would drive a normal pony crazy never phased him. It seemed nearly impossible to annoy him. Even Pinkie Pie's antics would peeve her friends after a while, but never Phoenix. He always had the patience to play along, to never be upset... Or at least to never show that he was upset. He never let the backhanded compliments given to him by the sycophants that plague the castle and attend royal events anger or insult him. He would listen to a pony until they finally said what they wanted to. He was willing to stand by a pony until the task they set out to complete was done. When Phoenix sat down in the dining hall, however, that quality seemed to have disappeared. Even the positive changes seemed to melt away. He seemed antsy -- uncomfortable even. If he could jump out from his own skin, she had no doubt he would have. Then came the talks of his past and his past world. He quickly lost his patience and almost his temper. Clearly, something about his past upset him, but again, Celestia didn't think much of it. There's a time in everypony's past that upsets them. Considering what Phoenix told her about his old world, the attitude of other humans would be something she'd lose her patience and temper with as well. But again looking at it through a different view, it didn't seem like Phoenix was losing patience with his old world nor his fellow humans, but rather with himself. It's as if as he was speaking, he grew enraged with himself. With every word he spoke, his seemingly infinite supply of patience ran thinner and thinner. "Now that you mention it..." Celestia said in a low voice, "He did seem a bit short-tempered, didn't he?" Luna sighed as she set Phoenix's "love" letter aside, "That would be one of the chiefly concerning changes." "...So you think this trip of his has some relation with his change in behavior?" Celestia asked "I don't have any evidence, but... I feel that is the case," Luna told, "Twilight had written to me about how Phoenix and one of the elements, Fluttershy, began to take walks together just weeks before Phoenix left for his trip. Fluttershy had reported that she found Phoenix heading towards the Everfree Forest." Celestia squinted a bit as she listened to her sister speak. The Everfree Forest? Why in Equestria would he be heading there? He very well knows the dangers that lurk in that forest. What business could he have had in that dangerous forest at night no less? Luna slowly began to move from her spot on her balcony as she continued speaking, "When she asked him what he was doing, he claimed to be on a walk. She then asked if she could join him and the two proceed to walk in silence together. Upon reaching his house, Fluttershy said that Phoenix seemed frightened of something and asked for her to stay with him for the night." The last sentence definitely caught Celestia's attention. Something frightened Phoenix, causing him to leave the comfort of his home and escape to... The Everfree Forest? Perhaps he actually intended to find Fluttershy, but was turned around slightly... Still, if something frightening invaded his own home, Fluttershy would be the last pony to go to, unless it was an animal. "Did Phoenix give Fluttershy a reason as why he wanted her to stay?" "He simply said he didn't think he should be alone." Celestia paused at Luna's last phrase, "He didn't think he should be alone? Is that what he said?" "That is what Fluttershy claimed," Luna confirmed. "I'm not quite sure what that means, but it clearly means something very specific," Celestia thought aloud as she began to pace slowly. "If he was lonely, he would have just said he didn't want to be alone or that he needed company. If she was concerned and thought he was lonely, then Fluttershy would have said 'I didn't think he should be alone.' To say that he didn't think he should be alone is a very purposeful phrase to use," Celestia reasoned "Yes, it would seem like it is... Which brings us to an impasse. Either Fluttershy is mistaken in her recollection of the events of that night, which I doubt considering the specific and rather odd phrase we've both noticed, or she is correct and the only person who knows the meaning behind the phrase is Phoenix," Luna said as she walked to stand in her sister's pacing path. "W-well... Then we ask Phoenix! I don't see how this is an impasse," Celestia told Luna shook her head and sighed, "I seriously doubt he would answer. You remember how he acted when I asked him about the strange letter in the dining hall. He refused to answer, he shut down. I tried to confront Phoenix in a dream about his behavioral change and a similar event transpired. He closed off and became cold, when I tried to reassure him, he told me everything was okay... A lie that would have slipped past me if he himself had not told us of how to spot a fake smile." "Lying isn't something Phoenix does," Celestia frowned, a hint of offense in her voice. "I would never call Phoenix a liar," Luna shook her head, "But, it would appear Phoenix has something he wishes to hide and he is trying very hard to keep it hidden." "Well, if he wishes to keep it hidden, who are we to pry? Everypony is entitled to their secrets." "That may be so, but I fear the secrets Phoenix keeps will spell disaster if they remain hidden as he wishes... There are some secrets that can tear a pony apart; I fear that's the situation we are facing with Phoenix." Celestia sighed as she looked to her sister and nodded solemnly, "I understand. I'd encourage you to continue your research... We can't risk confronting Phoenix if it means he will close off completely... Have you seen his dreams tonight?" Luna shook her head as she looked up to the moon, "He hasn't gone to sleep yet. I'll let you know in the morning if there's anything of interest." ----- Phoenix sighed as he leaned against a large tree just at the edge of a field. Though his walk from Baltimare to Fillydelphia was a short one, his destination of Manehattan was much longer and he needed to rest for the night. Finding a comfortable spot with shade, he set up what little he had and watched the night sky. He'd lost track of how long he had been sitting there, but it certainly wasn't for a short amount of time. "Well, Luna... You've done it again," Phoenix mumbled to himself as he looked to the moon, rubbing his tired eyes, "You really just don't want me sleeping, huh?" Phoenix laughed to himself. If Luna were around to hear him, he'd be getting a strong glare right about now. Maybe even a stern saying of his name, depending on her mood. He and Luna always had an interesting relationship. When he first arrived in Equestria, Luna seemed both cautious and comfortable with Phoenix. She always made it a point to greet him and see him when she could, but did so at a distance. Phoenix understood why; when a strange creature from another world suddenly appears, you want to look... But at a safe distance. It all changed when she asked him one question. One he can't help but laugh at thinking back on it. "Why do you always look away from a pony's cutie mark?" Phoenix didn't know how to respond. He had learned that a pony's cutie mark was something ponies took pride in. They were usually more than happy to show it off and explain its meaning. It wasn't the cutie mark he didn't want to look at, however. It's where it was. He understood why his dodging eyes would be seen as weird in Equestria... He just wasn't sure he had the heart to tell her why it isn't weird to avoid looking at someone's flank back on Earth. "Uh... It's a culture thing..." Was all Phoenix managed to respond, hoping Luna wouldn't be interested. How wrong he was. If anything, that made her more curious. She wanted to know everything about cutie marks back on Earth. Why they were so taboo. What cutie marks meant to Earth Citizens. With each question she asked, the redder his cheeks got... Was he really about to tell a magic pony princess thousands of years older than him about human sexual preferences? Luna's deep and curious gaze, however, answered that question for him. "Well, uh... There aren't actually cutie marks back on Earth," Phoenix admitted. "Oh? Then why would you not like to look at them? One would think that you'd like to observe this new phenomenon" Luna questioned. "T-that's a very good question... On Earth it's considered extremely rude and inappropriate to look at someone else's butt, er, flank. Unless, you know, you're a couple or whatever." Luna frowned, "I... don't understand. Why would that be inappropriate or rude?" "Here it goes," Phoenix thought to himself as he took a deep breath, "For humans, butts are... How do I put this... Attractive? Like, it's a... How can I say this without..." "Ah, 'tis a sexual thing, yes?" Luna deduced Phoenix felt his heart drop at Luna's revelation. He slowly nodded without a word. A small smirk crept across Luna's face as she took a step towards Phoenix, breaking the usual ten feet of distance she usually kept from him, "Worry not, Phoenix. I understand. But here in Equestria, that is not the case. When a pony sees another admiring their cutie mark, it's actually a compliment. Not rude or suggestive in anyway. Please, allow me." Phoenix watched in horror as she got closer, presenting her flank to him, "This is my cutie mark. Take a look and admire it~" "Oh uh, t-that's quite alright, Luna. Thank you for the offer," Phoenix swallowed "Phoenix, I insist. Knowing a pony's cutie mark is very important in the friendship making process," She said Phoenix took another breath as he finally looked down. He tried with all his might not to look away as he looked at her flank, more specifically the crescent moon and black spots that appeared on her fur, "T-that's very nice." "Thank you, Phoenix. You're quite the gentlecolt," She hummed as she tilted her head up slightly, "Perhaps you'd like to touch it as well." Phoenix blinked as he looked at the alicorn princess, a knowing smirk across her face, "...You're messing with me." In his voice wasn't disgust, nor surprise, but genuine impression. This princess just learned that something normal to ponies was considered somewhat of a sexual taboo to humans and she had the audacity to play around with him. "Oh, am I?" She asked coyly He couldn't help but smile. That was one of the funniest moments he had in Equestria so far. He knew she's a princess, yet he still couldn't believe the absolute gall she had to pull something like this. He respected the ever living hell out of it. "Be careful, Luna... Or staring isn't the only thing I'm gonna do with that flank." Now it was Luna's turn to blush. She wasn't expecting that. She thought she had won this encounter, yet Phoenix managed to one up her and call her bluff. She looked to the now smirking human, his arms crossed across his chest, "...You're a brave one, it seems." "Sorry, Luna. If you can't handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen... Or I guess the bedroom in this case," Phoenix said with a wink. Luna stared at him in shook, her jaw dropping slightly. In all her years, never had anyone spoken to her like that. The fact he kept "forgetting" to address her and her sister by their royal titles already annoyed her, even though Celestia insisted she let it go... But this... This. This completely made up for it. Finally, she had someone who she could joke with. Someone she could laugh and mess around with. One who didn't worry about "etiquette" and "manners" around her. Someone she could make crude sex jokes with and not have to hear horrified gasps, typically coming from her sister. "Phoenix," Luna said with a cold gaze "Luna," Phoenix responded, returning the look Luna smiled as she began to walk past Phoenix, swatting him with her tail as she passed, "Welcome to Equestria, you filthy-minded creature." "Takes one to know one, Moonbutt," Phoenix snorted. Phoenix laughed as he looked up to the moon once again. It was almost hard to believe the same being responsible for raising and lowering that large satellite was also the one who would burst into laughter and tears at a simple "that's what she said" joke. He hated how much he liked her and how well they got along at the time. It made his, what he thought would be inevitable, departure from this land all the harder. Now that he knows he's stuck here, he wishes he spent more time getting to know her... He wishes he spent more time getting to know everypony. Maybe if he had, he wouldn't be feeling so bad now. But who knows, maybe he would feel even worse. Speaking of feeling worse... As Phoenix began to doze off, he suddenly realized he had forgotten to write his letter to Twilight for the day. He may not be able to get it sent off until tomorrow, where he'll most likely write another one as well, but he felt that forgetting to write even if he wasn't going to send it, especially when he was on his own, was the second worst thing he could do to the kind mare. The worst being yet to come. He could only handle so much guilt. With a sigh, Phoenix reached into his bag and pulled out a pen and sheet of paper. Dear Twilight, I'm sorry. For everything... Nothing specific has happened that I need to bring to your attention, but I feel like I need to say sorry. I'm sorry for the unimaginable stress I've put on you with this dumb adventure of mine. I'm sorry for being so distant and cold. You always tried your hardest to make me feel welcome and comfortable. To try and get me to open up to you. I rejected your attempts every step of the way and I'm sorry. I don't get how you haven't given up on me yet. I know I have... I need to confess something to you; something you've probably already figured out. I am not a good person. Back on Earth, I thought I was. I used to run charities, I volunteered at other charities, I participated in countless advocacy events. I spoke, I fund-raised, I led PR campaigns... I did it all. But no matter how much work I did, it never felt like enough. I never thought I was working hard enough or helping enough people. The harder I worked, the more people seemed to resist my efforts. I thought that meant people didn't actually want to help others. I thought it meant people were cold and uncaring. I thought it meant everything I believed to be true about fairness and charity was a lie... It wasn't until I arrived in Equestria when I figured out the problem... It wasn't my message that was the problem, it was me. I was the problem. It wasn't about helping people. It was about being a savior. I thought I knew best... I thought I knew what was best for everyone and that anyone who fought against me were people against charity. I can only stop and think about how narcissistic I was, and to an extent, still am. I see the problem, I understand it. While my intentions were good, my ego and pride prevented me from seeing where the lines needed to be drawn. Promoting tolerance and acceptance is a good thing. A very good thing. You and your friends do so time after time. I, however, lost the plot. It wasn't about my ideals anymore, it was about making myself feel better. A few months before I came to Equestria, I gave up on everything. I thought the world simply didn't want goodness or acceptance. I thought the world was just intolerant and there was nothing I could. All the work I did was for nothing and never actually helped anyone. Speaking with Rarity in Baltimare made me realize something though. Though the work I did was small and incomplete in my eyes, I did help people. My vanity may have blinded me from the true reason behind charity, but the work I did was still good. I helped people. Even if they were in small numbers, or what I saw to be small numbers, it was still something. I don't mention this to be self-congratulatory or to prove I'm something I'm not. I bring it up because it highlights just how little I know. I don't know anything, let alone what is "best" for anyone. I'm not a savior or even a hero like you and the others. I'm just some guy who patted himself on the back one too many times. Part of me is glad I finally realized this. My time on Earth now makes sense, even if it is painful to fully realize. I did good, but I also did bad. I made plenty of mistakes; mistakes I can finally recognize... The other part of me dreads this realization. I'm here in Equestria now, not on Earth. There's nothing I can do to reconcile what I've done. The damage I've caused has been done and I can't even say I'm sorry. I recognize that even this thought is in itself selfish... I don't really care about making amends, do I? I just want to make myself feel better. I want to feel like a good person... But I can't. I'm just not. I think the fact I wrote this as a letter to you proves it. I don't know what to think anymore. I wish I could start fresh, as if everything I've ever done never happened and I could start again. I thought maybe coming to a new world would allow me to do exactly that, but it's not the case. Even here in Equestria, my guilt and my memories haunt me. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I don't know how to change... I don't think there's anything for me to do anymore but what I'm doing now. I'm sorry you had to get caught up in this... I'm writing this the day before I reach Manehattan. I'm not sure if I'll actually send this one out... If I do, it definitely won't be when I get to Manehattan. I don't know what fate has in store for me, but whatever it is I will embrace it. I hope you will, too. Thinking of you always, Phoenix Phoenix sighed as he looked at the letter in his hands. Shaking his head, he folded it up and placed it in his bag. He then retrieved another piece of paper and twirled the pen in his hand, "Alright, edgelord... Let's write a letter we can actually give to her."