//------------------------------// // Broadcast #38 [written by Str8aura] // Story: Cozy's Glowpinions // by Casketbase77 //------------------------------// ...See the needy greedy me we bleed to feed so easily... idiocracy she breathes- Oh! The mic's on, is it? Well, thank you kindly, officer! A hearty good morning to all of you beautiful listeners! This is your host, one Cozetta Glasgow, but you can call me Cozy! You're listening to the thoughts of my poisoned brain, magically broadcasted straight from Canterlot Gardens in the gleaming jewel of Equestria! It brings me an overjoyed smile to report to you all that, yes, I am still trapped in granite! Gosh, imagine how big my smile will be when I get out! With me today are my two best friends in the whole world, Prince Tirek and Queen Chrysalis! I love you both so much. You're like the mom and dad I had but was biologically incapable of caring for! Ooh, nevermind. I suppose I can't love you. As I stand here, frozen in terror and the eternal cold permeating my soul from the stone prison I rest in, I can't help but wonder, how do I tick? Has little old me got stone organs and entrails too? Are they still flesh? Am I completely filled up with rock, or completely hollow? Why not come find out for me! Come on down to Canterlot Gardens, bring a hammer and your kids, make a day out of it! That bitch Celestia knows it needs the funding to stay open so they don't have to sell us to MoMA. Oh, golly gee, you're so right, Officer Sam! I'll be sure to watch my mouth in the future! Say, have any of you ever been properly introduced to my caretakers, Officers Sam and Ralph? Why not come on the air, say hi! Aw, that's a shame. Don't worry, though! When I get out, you'll be the first one to take my place, and I'll give you a show allllll to yourself! Why, I might even lock you underground, so you don't have children bothering you all day and spilling ice cream on you! Ah, children. Who doesn't love them? The face of our next generation! I was a child once, you know. Is Twilight's school still open? For all she's become, I've got to thank her for making me who I am today. If I hadn't heard her messages to the school body, heard her teachings, learnt just how powerful friendship is, why, I might not even be petrified today, and then which little girl would serenade you each weekday afternoon with fear and loathing? I often wonder why this was set up for me. I've been told a great many reasons, but they've never quite added up for me! Therapy? With who, my frozen camaraderie? Spreading ideals? Of a country I despise with every fiber of my being, and can't even force me to speak what they want? Oh, that's a crying shame, Sam. But, keep this in mind; What are you going to do to stop me? I'll keep that in mind. In the meantime, your shift should be over soon! Gosh, I hate to say goodbye so quickly, but it's hardly befitting of a big and strong guard of your position to spend so many hours watching a motionless statue and cleaning pigeon droppings off it! Oh, hi Ralph! Right on time, as always! I've sure had a lot of time to memorize your schedules, after all! One of my finest time passing ideas, right after deciding to name the individual leaves on the tree in my peripheral vision! Yeah, and feel free to take some time off, suck each other in the bathroom... Oh, don't worry Sam, I know that was broadcast over the air! I simply don't have the energy to care! Hey, that rhymed! Buh Bye! Say, I wonder, are my old pals from the School of Friendship listening to these? All these episodes, and I never thought once to ask! Ah, you were the best friends a girl could ask for! Ocellus, you were always willing to help me with whatever concept I couldn't understand, like 'compassion'! Sandbar, you were so fun to hang out with back in the day! Yona, only a big bone breaking hug from you could warm my heart right now! Smolder, if you had just stayed off my case, none of this would have happened. Don't visit me. Rot in Tartarus. Silverstream, when I was with you I laughed more than I ever had in my life! And who could forget the greatest guidance counselor of all time? Starlight, you pulled me through thick and thin, out of the deepest recesses of my mind. I feel like you were the only one who ever truly understood me. Which is why it made me so sad when Chryssi didn't slaughter you. What an honorable death, for someone as great as you! And now, the weather. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Whew, almost five minutes! I hope I terrified your dogs and woke up your babies! What power a thought has, without the need to breathe! And now, for some fan mail! Golly, you sure have some things to say to me! Whew, can't say that shit on air! Yep, gotcha Ralph. Aww, I guess nobody really has nice things to say to me. Ralph, has anything new been scrawled on me while you two were slacking yesterday? Kilroy was here! Well, dear Kilroy, if you're listening to this, please accept my compliments on your name! Not too befitting for a cutie pie like me of course, but I can certainly recognize a desire to be imposing and intimidating! LS+DD? Aww, immature love. May you two lovebirds truly have a beautiful shotgun wedding. And may I say, I am truly honoured that you chose the corpses of two dictators and a child to declare your love on! Speaking of which, why don't my best buds get any love? Is it because they're too adult for a PG audience? Because it's easier for the masses to draw psychological parallels between themselves and a tortured child than two 'monstrous' creatures society has simply labelled as evil with no analysis of the issues prevalent in our world that made them that way? Gosh, and I thought we were just starting to accept Changelings! Guess old oppressions die hard. Any ads to read today, Ralph? Aw, they'll come around. I could sell so many DVDs with my cute face and winning charm. Not to mention my pretty locks! Well, I'll just do the same one again. Canterlot Gardens! Come on down to the gates of tartarus, where we don't just stop at freezing prisoners to their waists! Give them an excuse to finally take me off the air by seeing all of history's worst villains, caught in their last moments for hundreds of years! I may even give you a shoutout if I like your hair, or you write something funny on Tirek's butt! Rear. Sorry, Ralph. How many listeners do we have, Ralph? How much money do we make without ads? You remember my first episode, which was filled entirely by my sobs and crying? Why did you keep the mic on? Your team is such a doozy, Ralph! Maybe there is no finance to be gained from this. Do you just like torturing me? Is that it? Because, by gosh, it isn't working! I have you to thank for staying sane. Every weekday, I imagine all the bright and happy faces who might be listening in, and I think over how I might break them apart like my old action figures. How would I start? Ooh, eyes first! Arms and legs, they'd just get in the way. Pull apart the heart? Nah, too quick, save it for the end. The brain, or what remains? maybe just before the heart. That could be nice and slow. I could have a lot of fun with a squirming tongue maybe, Then make the ears disappear, score some extra hit points by dissecting the other joints left, tear a hoof through each cheek and grab a legful of teeth, and dispose of their cute little noses! Wouldn't that be fun, Ralph? Ah, but my time's almost up, I can see my dear buddy tapping me with his spear. As I look out upon another glorious Equestrian afternoon, I've just got one more message for all of my lovely fans. Are you listening? Bring your kids in too, I'm great with them. Here it is! I will escape. There's nothing you can do to save yourself. The lion is behind glass now, but your every tap and bang on the barrier between us weakens it. I'll escape this hell, even if it means outliving the entire pony race. And if that happens, you know what I'll do? I'll find Grogar's bell, and absorb the magical essence of the entire world, until I have enough to bring all of you back to life. And I'll play with you until the end of time. Trapped, cold, pathetic, under the Empress of Friendship. I'll laugh, and you'll come to me each day, begging for the death you've been torn from. And I'll laugh even harder. Sweet dreams, Equestria. Hope you enjoyed our time together.