Celestia sighs as she looks at the new taxation laws. “Anon, I know you said that these work, and there is plentiful evidence that it does.” Celestia stops to slam her hooves on her desk. “But why does rhyming taxes work?! How have you figured this out?!” Celestia sits back as I stand before her.
“Well, to answer that question, we’d have to talk about parallel universes,” I say simply. However, before I could incite my big brain wisdom, the door to our office slams open as Bones rushes in.
“Sir! We have a problem!” He yells. I sigh.
“And?” I ask.
“It’s someone who looks like you sir!” He says. I pause and slowly turn to him.
“Where?” I ask seriously.
Bones, Celestia, and I run out of my castle, and gawk as we see a strange sight. A lone man, hunched over, twitches as a crowd is around him. Various ponies murmur amongst themselves as they watch him. He doesn’t look like me, at least, not specifically. For starters, he’s taller, and a bit bulkier. He’s wearing a red jacket, and his pants are black and baggy. He looks up at me, and I shuddered from his icey glare. “Hello-o-o,” he stops, closes his eyes, and growls, before slowly standing up straight. He clears his throat, and opens his eyes again. I hardened my gaze. “Hello,” he says, much more calmly than last time. “I am going to conquer this dimension.” A silence reigns as I stare down this new threat. “... Silent, smart like the others. Tell me-“ He stops, and his arms start stretching. His fingers extend, thinning out and morphing into metallic claws. His eyes glow red as he stares back, emotionless. “How long will you last?” He asks. Suddenly, his arms surge toward me. However, an electric field sparks around me immediately, and the arms come in contact. Just as suddenly, the electricity races through the appendages, and the man tenses up before yelling out. His arms spazz out, with no rhyme or reason as he flails about.
“Probably should’ve thought about getting rubber,” I comment. After a moment, the man retracts his arms and crouches, shaking. Celestia, still behind me, nervously keeps her eyes on him. “I’d leave. Because if you don’t, ya boi’s boutta fry a freak like chicken.” The man growls and looks up at me. He looks annoyed, rather than angry.
“Very well. But be aware, when I come back, you won’t-“ He is interrupted by me pulling out my gun and shooting him. “... Really? A gun? Do you really-“ I interrupt him again by electrocuting him. He sprawls back, shaking. No fucking clue why electricity works, but damn is it funny.
“I’d leave before I try making you do the stanky leg,” I say, holding up a hand to show electricity running between my fingers. After a moment, the man gets up, still twitching.
“Damn you, you’ll regret this,” he says.
“Oh, sure I will,” I say. He mutters something, which sounds familiar, before a portal opens up. Stepping back through it, he flips me off as it closes. Everyone around us stands in silence as I walk over to where the portal was. I take out a notebook as numbers and names fill my mind. After writing it down, I mutter an incantation I learned a short while back. After a moment, I put the notebook back in an inner pocket in my coat before Celestia walks up.
“What was that!?” She yells. I shrug.
“I dunno,” I say.
“Why aren’t you panicking?! He’s somewhere in Equestria-“
“No he isn’t,” I say. “I can guarantee that for fact.” I look around at the crowd that’s still frozen in fear and give a thumbs up. “Alright! He’s gone! Go back to your daily routine!” Everyone glances around before uneasily going back to what they were doing. Celestia spins me back to facing her, glaring.
“You, me, talk, now,” she says. I sigh.
“Come on then, let’s head back inside. I’d rather-“
“What the hay was that!?” Twilight yells, running up to us. “I just- What-“
“Shut up and come with me, I have something to tell y’all.” With that, I walk back towards the castle as the two princesses look between each other.
I yawn as Celestia and Twilight impatiently wait for me to start the conversation in my throne room. “Well?” Twilight asks. I hold up a finger.
“Not yet,” I say. The silence reigns for another minute before Celestia sighs.
“Anon, what are we waiting for?” She asks. As soon as she says that, Frank’s bursts through the door, and runs over to me as I lean back and turn on the massage chair. He offers me a single mini soda can. You know, the soda cans that are thinner and shorter? Yeah. Those. I pop it open and take a sip.
“Alright, so, about a year or two ago, before I had conquered Equestria the first time, I found a book,” I say.
“Book? What-“ Celestia starts, but Twilight face hooves.
“The voodoo book,” she mutters.
“Yep. I found that voodoo book. It’s how I got electric powers. However, I also got another power I never told you guys,” I say. “Well, power is a bit of a strong word, it’s more like a neat trick.” The ponies’ eyes widen.
“You had another power!? What!? When!?” Twilight yells. I snicker.
“I’ve used it about three times before someone told me to stop. However, it was fun while it lasted,” I say.
“Anon, what did you do?” Celestia asks with a bit of fear.
“I hopped dimensions,” I reply. Silence reigns for a moment as my words sink in.
“You... hopped... dimensions...” Twilight says slowly. I nod. “...” She starts laughing, before laughing louder. “he-heheh-hahahaHAHAHAHA!! Oh Anon, you had me going there!” She says. “I mean, come on, travelling dimensions? That’s a highly advanced spell unicorns haven’t even began to perfect yet!” She chuckles and looks up to see I’m frowning.
“I’m not joking. By the way, it’s ‘hopping’, not ‘travelling’. Big difference,” I say, taking a sip. Both princesses gawk at me.
“No- I refuse!” Twilight yells. “I refuse to accept, that in the hundreds of years of research and United effort, is completely wasted, because you of all ponies figured it out first from some random book about curses and voodoo!” I simply grin widely.
“Anon,” Celestia says. “Can we see this book?” I hum.
“... Sure. I have a fail safe if you try anything funny,” I say.
“Oh? What is it?” Celestia asks.
“Not telling you,” I say. Twilight scoffs.
“I almost want to say there probably isn’t one, but knowing you, there probably is,” she says.
“Uhuh,” I say, reaching into my coat and pulling out a hefty book. It’s cover has scribbles and marks all over it, with a lone name on the bottom right of the front cover. ‘Leroy’. “I found this at a store. After I paid someone to steal it, I-“
“Wait wait wait, hold on,” Twilight interrupts. “You paid someone... to steal something.”
“Yes,” I say.
“How much did the book cost?” She asks.
“More than what the thief asked for,” I say, squinting. “I’m not stupid Twilight.”
“You said a store had it? Which one?” Celestia asks.
“Walcart,” I answer as Celestia opens it and looks at a page.
“... Anon, these are... highly advanced spells, some of these are illegal due to the dangers they present to the caster. And you’re telling me that you found this at the local Walcart?” Celestia asks as she hands Twilight the book.
“After I conquered Equestria, I went back to the store to see if they had any other books like it. However, they said they never saw it before. They put a price tag on it anyway because they thought the cover was neat,” I explain. “They never even actually opened the-“
“Holy a Celestia!” Twilight exclaims. “Long range teleportation, soul infusion, Mana-using-Alchemy!? Anon! This is- this is-“ Twilight puts down the book to look at me in awe. “This is beyond advanced! This should be chicken scratch!” She yells.
“What?”
“These- Anon, some of these spells sound like insane ideas,” she says. “They imply they don’t require a unicorn!” I shrug.
“Yeah. Go to page forty nine, that’s where I acquired my electric powers,” I say. Twilight flips to the page and reads for a bit.
“Wha- What is this? Is this a circle? What’s with these lines?” She asks. “And, the words don’t even make sense. The spell’s incantation looks like gibberish. Is this what you called Latin?”
“Fuck no. I have no clue what language it is either. However, it can be pronounced in English, so that’s a plus,” I say.
“And- and- I just- Hold on,” Twilight says before flipping to a random page. “... Skii-da-do-lo-da-ska...” She deadpans and looks at me. “Just as I thought, chicken scratch.” She sighs, rubbing a hoof against her temple as she slides the book to me. “I can’t believe I got worked up over-“ I take the book, look at what she was trying to do, and repeat the words. Suddenly, the throne table shakes, and a voice comes from it.
“Eh? The fuck do you want?” It asks. Twilight’s jaw hits the floor as Celestia just looks confused.
“Should Fallout 76 burn in hell?” I ask. It grunts.
“... No, it should be shredded up before burning. Anything else?” It asks.
“Is there a way I can dimension hop again? That was fun,” I say. It sighs.
“Uh, yeah, just gotta wait a while before going to a different universe. However, if you go to previously visited universes, you won’t be noticed.” Twilight looks at me, wide eyed as I grin.
“Cool! That’s all!” I say.
“Good,” the table says before going silent. The spell Twilight was trying to do was one where an inanimate object would be given life for a brief period, in which, they are to answer any question you have in the context you intend. Basically, I just made a table all-knowing for about a minute.
“...” I look at everyone in the room with a smile. “Isn’t that awesome!? I can dimension hop again-“
“HOW!?!?” Twilight yells. “YOU HAVE NO MAGIC- NONE!!! I RAN TESTS ON YOU- NOT A SINGLE OUNCE OF CELESTIA BLESSED MAGIC- AND YET- SOMEHOW- YOU CAN PERFORM THE MOST ADVANCED SPELLS, SUMMON LIGHTNING, AND CELESTIA KNOW WHAT ELSE, ALL OF WHICH ARE NOT KNOWN TO PONY KIND!!!” She yells. I lean back a bit, and turn on the massager. In response to her yelling, I take a sip of soda.
“... Yes,” I say. Twilight stares at me for a moment before passing out onto the floor. “... I’m not helping her up.” I look at Celestia, who has genuine concern on her face.
“Anon, how did you do that?” She asks. I shrug.
“No clue,” I say.
“You can’t just say you have no clue, not when-“
“Yes I damn well can,” I interrupt. “Now, about that guy from earlier. If you’re wondering how I know he’ll never bother us again, it’s because I’ve cut off our universe from his.”
“... But- hold on- I thought the table just said-“
“The table said I wouldn’t be noticed, but he didn’t mean ‘noticed by the people in the universe’.” Celestia stares at me for a second before her eyes widen.
“You mean to tell me-“
“Yeah, apparently there’s a couple of beings running a whole multiverse. I don’t remember what they look like exactly, but I do remember seeing black and white spots,” I say. Celestia shakes her head.
“Anon, you might have single handedly almost doomed everyone here. The risk in this kind of travel-“
“Hopping,” I interrupt.
“No matter! Who knows what could have happened!? You could have died!” Celestia yells.
“Aw, does someone care for me?” I ask cheekily.
“This is not a joke!” Celestia yells.
“Celestia. I am a villain,” I say. “Why the absolute fuck would I care about what happens to other people?”
“It’s just- I-“ Celestia stops and takes a deep breath. After a moment, she sighs. “Please, just promise me that you will not give anyone, and I mean anyone that book.” I quirk an eyebrow.
“You’re not going to try and take it away?” I ask.
“You’ve had this dangerous world ending book for a while, and the universe hasn’t ended yet. Quite frankly, I don’t want anyone who could use it to actually use it. And if I know you well enough, I know that you won’t let anyone else use it,” Celestia says.
“What if I use it? I’ve used it three or more time already,” I counter.
“I can see that, at the very least, you have enough good in you to keep this universe around,” Celestia says. I laugh.
“Awfully bold,” I say. She smiles at me, making me stop.
“No, I trust you,” she says. I frown and deadpan at her. “Believe it or not, after seeing how you’ve accidentally helped others, I like to think you’re rather...” I cross my arms.
“What?” I ask.
“... Nice. Of course, one would have to get to know you, but you’re nice in the end,” she says. I furrow my brow.
“Fuck no, I’m not.” Celestia laughs.
“Look around you Anon. You’ve stabilized two countries, albeit forcefully, but you managed to make everyone... what’s the phrase... step up their game?” Celestia takes a moment to laugh. “In all my years, I’ve never seen a villain help other so much, accidentally or otherwise.” I huff.
“That’s because if there’s no world to terrorize, then it’ll be pointless,” I say. Celestia rolls her eyes.
“You keep telling yourself that. I’m starting to think-“
“Bones!” I yell. Bones walks in, saluting. “Please escort Celestia and Twilight out. But since Twilight’s asleep, you’ll have to put her somewhere other than the ground. I’m certain the dumpster’s good enough,” I say. Celestia deadpans at me as Bones salutes.
“Yes sir! Come along now Celestia,” Bones says. Celestia sighs, but smiles.
“Very well Anon, until next time,” she says. She gets up as a couple of guard dogs come in and grabs Twilight. As they walk out, Celestia waves bye with a wing before the door closes. I lean back, vining with my massage chair, contemplating what my next move shall be since I’m apparently too nice...