Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat


The Cow Who Wasn't There

"Micro, have you ever heard of the Fundamental Theorem of Poker?"

"It's not really my game. Is it something about which hands are less common?"

"Not even close. When you're playing poker, if your opponent knew everything there was to know about your hand, then they'd be able to figure out what the perfect way to play against you should be. The theorem is that the further you can get your opponent to play from that ideal, the better - it doesn't matter whether they bet too much or to little, as long as it's not the right amount."

"And you're bringing this up because...?"

"As far as I can tell, it applies to any game which includes hidden information - including real-life games."

"Let me guess - you're leading up to explaining why you're about to implement a plan that makes absolutely no sense."

"Now you're just taking the fun out of it."

"When your definition of fun includes an out-of-control windmill giving me an unexpected mane-cut - I can live without it. In fact, I might only be able to live without it."

"Thinking of resigning from the Dairy, now that you've seen what our opponents will do?"

"What's the point? If they're willing to kill a member, they'd certainly be willing to kidnap an ex-member. So - are you putting together some selection of lies to nudge them to do the wrong thing?"

"There's too much truth magic floating around for that to work well - if they've got the truth wand I tried to send to Princess Luna, a single truth-zap of Safe would unravel the whole thing. No, I'm going to have to put together a selection of truths..."


Dear Princess Luna,

and more to the point, Dear People Intercepting Luna's Mail,

To use some quotes from some literature you've never heard of:

"You missed."

"I Aten't Dead."

"Hope lives."

"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." (Feel free to base the headline of my survival on this one.)

"You're going to have to try harder than that."

For proof, please find enclosed a photograph of me holding a newspaper showing the report of my demise. (Though I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed I only rated page eight - I would have thought I rated at least page three.)

Still, thank you so much for providing the physical evidence of your activities - you have given me the opportunity to move our interactions to an entirely new level.

Here, I'll give you a hint - use some truth magic and ask Safe if he saw me using invisibility magic. Go on - I dare you.

Yours truly,
Missy


Micro eyed the letter dubiously. "Are you sure this is what you want to write?"

"Put yourself in the horseshoes of somepony tasked with opposing me and the Dairy. If this pieces of intelligence was passed on to you - what would you do?"

"Well - I might have someone check into that invisibility thing. If it panned out..." She frowned. "You might be standing right next to me, and I'd never know it. Or you could be anywhere in Equestria, spying on whatever my nefarious plans were. I'd have to revamp my whole security system to try to keep you out. And if you were willing to just come right out and tell me you could do that - then you probably didn't consider it a really big secret, which means you've got some even bigger secrets you're still keeping hidden... I suppose it depends on how much I know about what sort of secrets you've had a chance to learn."

"Don't forget, Marble's mother is part of the obvious part of the opposing faction - and she knows I've had access to tomes of lost magic protected by spells making them impossible to be read by sane ponies. And you and Safe know I was at the Great Battlefield, so it's only a matter of time before they know that, too. And I've done archaeology elsewhere. And I've been doing original research. Any one of those could mean I've had a chance to learn... well, anything imaginable, and then some."

"So - what you're saying is that you want them to think you can be anywhere and do anything? Doesn't that mean they're going to over-estimate you?"

"Yep. Remember the Fundamental Theorem? They're going to be over-bidding - spending too much effort to protect against a threat that's not nearly as dangerous, in the way they're thinking, as they imagine. This also opens a window of opportunity for me. How do you tell when you've put together a system that can detect an invisible cow?"

"By... detecting one?"

"And if no matter how hard you try, you don't find it?"

"Then either it's not there..." I waved at the letter with my hoof, and smiled. "Or you haven't gotten the system working yet."

"If we play this right, if I'm not even in Equestria to be detected, but you and Safe pass along the occasional letter or make the occasional trip, or other activity, which implies you're still in touch with me... then they might spend months focused on rearranging their internal security rather than doing anything actually useful with that time and those resources."

"And when they figure out that we're actually not talking with you?"

"What would be the most likely explanation for you acting that way?"

"That... you really were killed, and we faked the photograph?"

"Which would mean they could...?"

"... Stop going to so much effort to hide from an invisible cow who's not actually dead?"

"Which would seem to be a good time for me to come back, out in the open. If it all works - that's three major internal reorganizations. If it doesn't all work - they're still going to be confused and unable to predict where I am or what I'm doing."

"What will you be doing?"

"What you don't know can't be truth-zapped out of you. But - before you get back to the Dairy and research and so on... there's something extremely important I need you to do for me."

"Collect a mysterious artifact? Pick up a hidden cache of materials? Return an overdue library book?"

"Even more important than any of that - go to Ponyville, and give Cheerilee the biggest 'Sorry I Let You Think I Was Dead For A Day' cake you can buy."

"Ah - now I know why you're really heading out of Equestria for a while. Sheer self-preservation."

"Well... I do have other reasons..."


(Author's Note: Missy makes a cameo, sort of, in the latest chapter of Nathan Traveler's story, Omnius' Travels: Beast Within.)