//------------------------------// // The World Ain’t Slowin’ Down // Story: Half-Life: Pastel Paradise // by I aint no damn brownie //------------------------------// Once the small rising platform had stopped ascending, I hopped over to the larger platform. I began to look around as I slowly shuffled towards the glowing ball of orange and green. A teleporter. Alien technology protruded from the walls surrounding us, all in their own separate branches. Like one big diamond. They were clearly what was powering said teleporter. Looking towards Spike, I nodded at the orb. “You want me to go first?” He asked. “Would you kindly?” I replied. He nodded, and hopped in. I quickly dove in afterwards. ...But I hadn’t learned. Of course I hadn’t learned. You can go to college for years to be book smart, but you can’t do anything to increase common sense. You can be Einstein in the sheets but Forrest Gump in the streets. Dammit! As I lay on the hard ground, nose chocked full of mud, I contemplated if I should even get up again. This has happened so many times at this point. Too many times. I only do it to look cool. Diving into the portal has NO advantage, it’s NOT faster, and it ONLY CAUSES ME PAIN. Why, Freeman. Why must you keep doing stupid things in the pursuit of looking cool? It didn’t work for Caroline in high school, what makes you think it’ll work when you’re twenty-fucking-seven and in the company of the only other male in this whole dimension? “Freeman, you alright? Or did you get knocked out?” Spike asked, but I could hear the grin in his voice. “Because that would be REAL STUPID OF YOU, GANGSTA!” “I’m fine.” I grumbled, pushing myself up and standing. “And what the hell was up with that?” I asked. Since when does he say “gangsta”? He shrugged, “I dunno. Felt like trying something new.” He said, and did finger guns. “Never say that ever again.” I said, taking off my glasses and starting to clean them. “Fair enough.” He said Smiling to myself for saving a man from a life of disappointment and zero chicks, I put my glasses back on my face. They were smudged to hell, the crack in the lens was only getting bigger, and the tape holding the two frame pieces together was wearing down more and more. But I could still see. I could still shoot. I could still fight.. and that’s all that mattered. No time to complain when there’s time to be an alien-ass kicking cool dude. “Gordon..” Snapping to attention, I looked around for the source of the noise. What the hell was that? It wasn’t Spike. In the process of looking at my surroundings, I took notice of where we actually were. It was so.. different. So much so that I didn’t notice at first. We were in the last area. The literal home stretch. There’s a giant hell machine in the center island, that of which houses a giant red orb. A red orb, that when touched, will lead you to the Nihilanth. The last time I was here, it was dark. Black. I could hardly see. Voices shouted in my ears, and I felt like my head was going to explode. Platforms were tiny, and I almost died multiple times because I felt like death. I had been running purely off morphine. Now? It’s bright. Stingrays flew through the air, giving another layer of detail to the already oceanic environment. Larger, more open rocks lead up to the giant hand-shaped center island. The center island itself was pretty, too. No longer is the feeling of it dark and foreboding, instead being replaced by one of.. ominousness. I don’t get scared looking at it, I just get curious. The blue environment probably helps. Either that, or I’m just used to it, having already seen it. “Holy shit, that thing is terrifying.” Spike blurted out. Oh yeah. It’s most definitely the second thing. “It’s not that scary..” I jokingly replied. In all seriousness, this is much better than last time. Still doped-up on morphine though. That’ll never change. Spike slowly turned his head toward me, seeming to have taken what I said seriously. “Gordon, how bucked is your head?” “A-augh! I am offended, young man!” I said, raising my voice in mock surprise. “I am only a little bit mentally damaged!” ... Snorting, Spike began to chuckle lightly. “Y-yeah, heh, alright. Whatever you say, man.” Shaking his head, he pulled out his revolver. He reached into his ammunition pocket and pulled out a speed-loader, which he popped evenly into the slots and peeled away the plastic. He popped the cylinder back into place and gave it a spin for good measure. After watching him reload all his weapons like a dope, (we found some ammunition in that tube room. It wasn’t much, but it could get us somewhere) I realized that I should probably be reloading too. I pulled out an empty Glock magazine and a box of 9mm ammunition. Popping each individual bullet into the fifteen round mag, I finished and put the elongated piece into the bottom of the pistol. I pulled back the slide to chamber a round, and I moved onto my revolver. A speed-loader, push the cylinder back, spin for good luck. And that’s it. That’s all I have. I really wish I had an MP5.. but I don’t think I’m gonna get one. Fuck. Life would be much easier with one. Oh, full auto, not much recoil.. how I miss you. Spike snapped his finger in front of my face, “Gordon, you there?” He asked. Jump-starting my brain, I quickly replied, “Huh? What?” “I’ve been trying to get your attention for like 15 seconds, dude.” He raised an eyebrow. “You alright?” “Uh, sorry. I’m fine. Thanks for worrying though.” I responded. “Yeah no problem. Anyway, I was gonna ask. Are you ready to go? We have a.. well, we have a world to save.” He finished, turning his head to look at the red orb so as to complete his speech with a dramatic flair. I took a deep breath. I ran a hand through my hair. I checked the chamber on my Glock. I spit on my crowbar and rubbed it in. I adjusted my glasses. I pat down my suit. “As ready as I’ll ever be.” “That’s what I like to HEAR!” Spike said as he ran, jumped, and boosted to the next platform. I quickly joined him, and we began to race across the platforms. Dumb, stupid idea, but we really felt like we were on the top of the world. We were invincible. We had made it this far, why would we die now? We could feel the plot armor flowing through our bones as we landed on the last platform. The one housing the teleporter. Spike sighed, and turned to me. “No more hesitating! Freeman, why don’t you go first?” He said, nervously grinning. I smirked. Guess it’s my time to shine. I took a step back, and began running. I jumped into the portal, but I didn’t dive. I had learned. A few flashes, a couple loud noises, and there I was. A dry plot of land. A glowing forcefield. And a giant baby cunt. “Free..man..” It growled. “Bring it on, you little bitch!” I yelled, pulling out my revolver. I turned to Spike, expecting him to be there. But he wasn’t. Upon seeing Freeman jump into the portal, I closed my eyes as a bright light flashed. Damn-near blinded me completely. When I was able to open my eyes again, I noticed a severe lack of a portal. ... Where. The Buck. Did it go? Slowly beginning to panic, I looked around for it. Maybe it changed positions? Maybe it’s going to come back soon? Anything?! Please tell me I’m not stuck here! Just as I felt I was going to have a legitimate panic attack, I heard a loud “CHK” noise. Another portal had opened. This one was more red than the previous, and while it greatly upset me and instilled a form of primal fear into my cold blood.. I ran straight into it anyway. I didn’t want this one to disappear, too. A couple loud noises, a few flashes, And I landed in a pool of water. “Gross..” I muttered, feeling how murky and thick it was. “Spike..” I heard, and looked up. A few crystals lined the walls of this thin arena, along with a giant.. baby.. thing? That had some weird metal piece instead of legs. I think this is it. Turning towards Freema- “Freeman? W-Where did you go?” Bdump Bdump Bdump Bdump BDUMP BDUMP BDUMP My head felt like it was going to split in two as I walked down the hall. My hooves were tired, my throat was dry, and I was positively going to overdose on painkillers if I were to take even just one more. But I’m not far. I can sense it. I’m almost there. Almost to the room I had so desperately been hoping to reach. The room I had been wanting to get to this time. The room that can help me. I’m almost safe. Equestria is almost safe. I just have to keep moving, and hope I don’t encounter any more of those monsters. Pray I don’t encounter any more. I’m out of ammunition, and I don’t see anything that could feasibly work as a weapon in my general vicinity. If I encounter another one, it might be over. Knock on w- Clank The color drained from my face upon hearing that sound. Speak of the bucking devil. No. I can’t- no, I can’t let it end like this. Not like this! Pushing aside any pain, I let the adrenaline take over as I began running. No! I knew where I was. I had followed the map. I knew where I needed to go. Up this set of stairs and a left, then a right. I do that and I’m there. I do that and I’m bucking THERE! I’m not far. The clanking is getting faster. More rapid. I’m up the stairs. Everything hurts, but I don’t think about it. My eyesight is cloudy from the headache, and I can’t see anything except what’s directly in front of me. Like a sick version of tunnel vision. I take the left turn. Just the upcoming right and I’m free. I hear a loud clang and a whoosh behind me, and I take that as my cue to jump. The bladed creature passes harmlessly under me, flying through the air. It stops itself and turns towards me. Don’t stop. Can’t stop. Won’t stop. It sharpens one blade with the other, and I charge it. Using all of the force available to me, I head-butt it before it can try anything. Disoriented and clearly shocked, it spends a few moments getting its bearings straight. I use this as an opportunity to run past. My head is now in agonizing pain. I didn’t do the head-butt right. It hurts. It bucking hurts. I turn right. But I’m almost there. I can see the door. Just a couple more- SWISH ... Instantly, I began to feel the burn of immense pain on my face and held my eye. It got my eye! It got my bucking eye! I let my guard down to feel around the eye, which was a bad move. Immediately, I felt something slice cleanly through my foreleg. I lost my balance and fell, where I then began to scream, feeling all of the pain hit me at once. It was over. My eye was cut and most likely damaged forever, one of my legs was just- gone, my head hurt, I’m high on drugs, I’m bleeding from almost every orifice. I’m going to die. I had tried, but it was meaningless. I had failed. And I was so close to victory, too! But I couldn’t do it. I heard a loud screech and some clanging. Something grabbed me and began to drag me, but I didn’t care. What could I have changed? I probably should’ve kept around a melee weapon. That would’ve made fighting just the slightest bit easier. Maybe I could’ve conserved my ammunition? I was kind of reckless with it, as I thought those gun monsters would’ve been more common. Those blade ones sure were. They were nowhere near as common as I thought, which was lovely. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone out in the first place. If it wasn’t for Applejack, maybe- No. No. It’s not Applejack’s fault. Sure, she knew it was dangerous.. But there’s no reason it should’ve taken as long as it did. “Go get help” is a very easy task. The only reason it was so hard was because it felt like the castle was activelyworking against me. Rubble would crush entrances, doors would be locked, helpful ponies would be killed. I had to go the most roundabout way possible. I just.. I don’t blame you, Applejack. I hope you know that. I don’t blame anypony. This is not anypony’s fault. It was one big shit sandwich, and we all had to take a bite. Heh.. I felt my vision get brighter. Is this what they mean when they say “Don’t go into the light”? I can definitely see what they mean, but- “Pinkie, wake up!” Huh? I’m.. not dead? “Pinkie, wake up. It’s the Princess.” The Princess? What does she need? Usually she just wants Twilight. “Pinkie!” I should probably see what she wants. Slowly opening my left eye, I looked around. Princess Celestia looked down at me, her horn glowing. I didn’t feel any pain. That must be what spell she’s casting. A painkilling one? Has to be. I feel no pain. I know my injuries aren’t healed, though. Healing spells don’t exist. Matter cannot be created nor destroyed, so magically creating skin cells and blood cells and white blood cells and fur to heal wounds wouldn’t make sense. But I do appreciate the painkiller spell. “Pinkie, thank Faust you’re awake!” Celestia said, her horn losing its glow. “Y-yeah.” Truth be told, I had kind of.. accepted my death. This was a bit of a shocking outcome. “What on Equus happened to you?” She asked, concern present in her tone. Princess Luna looked rather concerned too. Coughing to clear my throat, I tasted copper. Hm. “I- uh, it was those, uh, blade monsters.” I stuttered out, not really feeling too well. “They got me, heh.” I said, trying to lighten the mood slightly. “What? Blade monsters? You mean the ones with claws? The zombies?” She asked. Raising an imaginary eyebrow, I clarified. “No? Those blade monsters that look sort of like mannequins? You know the ones. The ones that have only been invading your castle for the past few hours..” I muttered that last part sarcastically. “Pinkie..” She started. “Yeah?” I asked, kinda worried that now I would be banished for insolence. Maybe making a sarcastic remark to the Princess wasn’t a good- “I haven’t seen any monsters like that.” ... Huh?