Like a G5 Too: This Time, It's Actually Like G5
by Present Perfect
Twilight Sparkle, Crown Princess of Equestria, was dragging. Her head hung low, her mane and regalia were askew, and her wingtips touched the floor as she made her way through the unnecessarily long throne room to her throne. Once she had made it there, she flumphed into it in a most un-princess-like fashion.
Normally, this sort of behavior would have been beneath her. But right now, the only other occupants of the throne room were Spike, whose lifted eyebrow was all the condemnation she needed, and Gallus Goldfeather IV, great-grandson of her original Captain of the Guard, who knew both what side his bread was buttered on and how to keep his mouth shut.
"Ugh," ughed the Princess of the Realm to no one in particular. "Marathon session with Parliament today." She massaged her temples. "Trying to convince the leader of the Opposition to the Opposition Party that renaming Equestria to 'Yeetquestria' would not, in fact, be 'better branding' or 'poll well with the current generation'. I don't care what their focus groups said!"
She let out a long-suffering, regal sigh. "I swear, it's a wonder these ponies were able to survive for the four years I tried letting them have democracy. I mean, look who they elected in my place! All those idiots jumped up on conspiracy theories trying to storm the palace. It's a good thing seizing power back was easy.
"Can you believe they came up with a parliamentary procedure called the 'fillybuster' just to make governing even more boring? What a horrible name. Makes it sound like there's a secret cabal of pedophiles running the country." She laughed. "Well, it's a good thing that could never happen!"
Spike was about to say something no doubt poignant and witty, but he never got the chance. The throne room door, which he was standing next to, burst open suddenly, launching him and Gallus 4 out the nearest stained-glass window. Spike's wings had never kept up with his growth, sadly for him, and he spiralled toward the ground at literally breakneck speed as they flapped uselessly behind him.
Gallus, for his part, saw his life flash before his eyes and realized that every part of it had steadily been getting worse over its many years. Two seconds ago, he would have been ready to fight for his life, but now? Now he was ready to accept his fate in the cold, hard embrace of Mother Earth.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, for the both of them, their fall was broken by a vendor's cart full of cabbages, because that joke hasn't been done to death. Griffon and dragon survived; the cabbages did not.
But you, the reader, do not care about that! You want to know: Just what broke the throne room doors down with such force? Was it a monster? A new villain with a terrible scheme to conquer the world? Tax collectors?
Well, no, dummy, it was Bitcoin.
More specifically, it was everyone's favorite new pony, Sunny Stonksurfer, surfing her hoverboard in on a wave of ever-increasing value, wearing a pair of cool shades and a bunch of brony swag, and smoking a Juul.
Following in the wake of the wave of blockchain, which I guess is like Legos, but they say "GSE" on the side, were Sunny's three best friends in the whole world: token unicorn, token pegasus, and token BOY.
"Whaddup, P-cess T-light?" said Sunny as her hoverboard came to a rest in the middle of the throne room, scattering non-fungible tokens everywhere.
"I really wish you wouldn't call me that," moaned P-cess T-light S-kle, resting her head in her hooves.
The pegasus -- I think her name was Regular-Size Pip -- flew over behind the throne, smartphone in hoof, jabbering the entire way.
"So, like, here I am in the palace of Yeetquestria with the big P-T-S herself! Super royal and stuff, I'm sure! Comment, like and subscribe!"
The phone flashed as she took multiple selfies with Twilight while simultaneously vlogging. She was really online like that.
"Hashtag shorts," she mumbled to herself, pressing the touchscreen with her hoof somehow. "And uploaded!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Do you really have to do that every time you kids come here?"
Regular Pip gave her a shit-eating grin. "It's already got five thousand impressions on Bing Bong™." She actually said another word, but if I wrote it here, I'd get DMCA'd. All hail the algorithm!
Twilight let out a long, frustrated groan, casting her eyes toward the heavens despite knowing full well no one was there to hear her plea. After all, Celestia and Luna had tragically choked to death on their own spit within 48 hours of each other during their fifth year of retirement, confirming they had been too stupid to live, which everyone at the time had known but been afraid to say.
"Must you always bother me in the palace, Sunny Stonksurfer?" asked Princess Twilight, trying to figure out the main character's motivations.
"Sure do, fam!" said Sunny, grinding out her Juul on the marble floor despite that not being how anything works. "It's not like I have a job or anything better to do instead. Izzy, show her the thing."
Izzy huffed, eyes glued to the handheld video game console in her hooves. "Don't bug me, I'm trying to speedrun Minecraft." She giggled to herself. "This new strat works like a dream!"
She grinned at the camera, and like half the studio audience cheered and applauded. The other half were too old to get the reference. Okay, Boomers.
"Ugh," ughed Sunny, removing her shades to reveal a second pair beneath them. "Izzy Glow, why are you the worst Guns 'n Roses boss ever?"
"Okay," said Twilight, "even I'm not old enough to get or make that reference."
The studio audience remained silent.
"So tell me again, why are you here?" asked Twilight, doing her level best not to rub her head again. Too much head-rubbing gave her pimples.
"I need money," said Sunny simply.
Twilight stared at her.
Sunny stared right back.
Twilight kept staring. Then she drew a hoofsie down her face.
"Sunny, your last name is 'Stonksurfer'."
"I don't see how that's relevant," said Stonksurfer, Sunny, Esquire.
"You came in here riding a wave of cryptocurrency and market highs." Twilight pointed to the undifferentiated digital detritus littering the marble floor. "I cannot envision a world in which you actually need money."
"An arbitrary and easily manipulated financial trade center is no basis for an economic system," Sunny said plainly.
"I'm pretty sure we're blood relatives," Twilight grumbled. "You could just ask the royal treasury for a stipend."
Sunny stomped her way up to the throne, glaring at Twilight the whole time, though no one could tell on account of the cool shades.
"You're gonna give me that loan, Princess," she growled as the camera zoomed in on her face, and her voice got real low and gravelly. "You know why?"
Twilight cringed both internally and externally. "I hate to ask."
"Because friendship.
"Is.
"Poggers!"
Sunny pulled off her second pair of shades to reveal a third pair hidden beneath despite the fact that they stuck way out on both sides, kinda like Kamina glasses. Air horns started sounding from everywhere. The studio audience hooted and cheered. Izzy did a Fortnite dance (it's what you do when you win Fall Guys), and Ppipp hella dabbed.
The Boy, who was still there, was not the sum total of his genitals, his height or his ability to grow facial hair, but he was a miserable pile of secrets. Also, horny on main.
"Get dunked on!" shouted Popp, because dabbing alone was not enough to communicate how badly the Princess had gotten burned just then.
"Nopony says that anymore, Pip Mediumstockings," Sunny grumbled.
Izzy smirked at her. "And they do say 'nopony'? Okay, Boomer."
Sunny's nose scrunched up in fury, which she levelled at the unicorn. "Hey, Izzy, how do you play a handheld game console without any fingers?"
In what the kids would later agree was 'a pro gamer move', Izzy exploded into glitter and new carded My Little Pony Generation 5 merchandise, only $6.99USD at your local Toys 'Я' Us uhh Amazon Prime store I guess? No one's going out shopping these days anyway, it'll never catch on.
Twilight was about to react to this clear demonstration of cancel culture -- reaction vids were hype on Bing Bong™, after all -- but she didn't have to because something even stupider happened.
The throne room doors burst open again! (They had swung shut behind Sunny and her friends.) And in walked everypony's second-favorite pony from My Little Pony: Pony Life SEASON TWO™!
That's right, it was Dishwater Slog. And he was panting and heaving and looked like he had so many stitches in his side.
"Great, who are you now?" asked Twilight, completely fed up with life, the universe and everything. "And why do I feel like I should be throwing my pearls at you?"
Dishwater pointed one grubby, round, disgusting, unmanicured hoof at Sunny, took a deep breath, and bellowed at the top of his lungs.
"I hate you! I hate your stupid tiny eyes! I hate your human chin! You're Scootaloo-flavored and shaped like a lesbian pride flag! You were clearly designed by committee, every last member of which needs to kill themselves! This generation looks like Filly Funtasia-a-a-a!" The last part came out in a whimpered bawl, because he was a weenie.
And then, because he was so out of shape and had spent a long amount of time running -- well, more like jogging -- well, more like limping along pathetically -- -- after Sunny, his body did one of those tail-to-nose shudders, and he puked hot death barf all over Plipp, who screamed and melted. Then he passed out. Sunny was so offended, you guys.
"She was trans, you fucking TERF!" she bellowed, tears streaming down from behind her awesome Kamina shades.
"Sunny, we're all trans," said The Boy, rolling his eyes. "Literally how do you keep forgetting that?"
Sunny grumbled to herself. "Maybe because it's a perfectly valid and normal thing to be and not worth getting upset over..."
"What a horrible waste of new merchandising opportunities," said Princess Twilight with a shake of her head. Then she looked directly at the camera. "And to think, all of this could have been avoided if only Dishwater Slog had been wearing a mask."
The other two nodded solemnly, also at the camera, and the studio audience gave them a standing ovation. This had been a Very Special Episode of Whatever the Fuck This Is, and Twilight thought she might write a letter to herself about all the valuable life lessons we had learned in these trying times.
Sunny grabbed The Boy around the waist and fired her grappling hook out the broken stained glass window from the start of the story. Bet you forgot about it!
"C'mon, gamer," she said, "we're going to eeby deeby."
And so they yeeted from whence they had yoinked.
Sweet crap, I'm not getting paid enough to write this.
THE END