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// Problem 11: Pinkie's Phoney Philosophy 
// Story: The Alicorn Problems 
// by TheTimeSword 
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"Sorry folks. We'll be back in fifteen!" Cheese Sandwich told the crowd that gathered. He brought Pinkie through a slit in the curtains to a back area of the small tent. A table kept a set of chairs, and trunks of props used in his comedy sat against the wall. A single lantern hung in the middle of the ceiling where the tent created a cone shape. "I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to see you here, Pinkie Pie. I'm not so certain who would actually win in a contest of jokes if you and I dueled," he said before taking seat at one end of the table. "Though I can't imagine why you'd be here—just that I'm not surprised."

"Well, I'm surprised!" Pinkie Pie yelled, and slammed both hooves on the table. "I would've thought you of all ponies wouldn't buy into this whole princess business."

He hesitated only a moment. "We've got horns and wings, Pinkie. Are we not? I mean, it's quite a funny joke. Stallions being princesses. But I don't believe it was meant to be a joke, it's serious. Not that I like to take things seriously, but this certainly is. If we're not told what exactly it's all for, how are we to know that we're not princes or princesses?"

That question mimicked what Pinkie Pie had been asking herself. Her sisters came to the same conclusion, and more often than not, she found that to be the answer too. "If everyone is a princess, that means things overlap, Cheese. Do you really think you can be the only pony to have jokes as their royal role? It's not like someone else can just come up to Twilight and out friendship them to take her crown." She sat down across from him, though she kept her forelegs firm on the table in case she needed another slam to illustrate her point.

"That's because no pony with wings and a horn has ever challenged her. It's a brand new world! What I wouldn't give to challenge her to a duel—like you and I had. Except the stakes are so much higher!" Cheese looked as though he was daydreaming. What had gotten into the stallion? 

"You've gone loco in the coco! Everypony has!" Pinkie threw her hooves up in frustration. "My sisters are fighting over who is the princess of a classification of rock. Meanwhile, they could've just chosen a specific rock or gem, or even rocks as a whole!" She settled back down, fuming in her seat. "It's like harmony was wrapped in a rug and thrown out the window. Twilight Sparkle, a real princess, is out there trying to help a city stop tearing itself apart. You're here just making jokes and claiming you're better at it than everypony else. How is that being a princess?" For a moment, she thought she was onto a solution with her sisters.

But Cheese countered with a really good argument. "If my jokes lighten the mood of ponies and bring them away from biting each other's tails, isn't that the same thing? Am I not helping?"

Pinkie tried to think of what blocked her from answering. She knew she had something there that was the perfect answer, and the perfect take down against her sisters. But what? She wished Twilight were here. "I-I don't know," she replied, slumping back in her seat.

"I'd like to try my jokes against you, Pinkie, but I think if you win it might just bring up more problems." Cheese sat back, kicking his legs up on the table. "I'm trying my best to keep everyone at peace. It's difficult. Other ponies set up their own booths after mine, and I have to admit, they've done a good job keeping them."

She shrugged her shoulders. "We could, y'know, become the prince and princess of jokes," she said, averting her eyes from his. "Like a sort of Shining Armor and Cadance thing." This time she looked him square in the eyes, hoping to see something of interest. A sparkle, a gleam. 

"You and me?" Cheese couldn't contain his laughter. He hit the table a few times, and Pinkie could tell he wasn't exaggerating his laugh. Her face grew hot, and she could almost feel steam pouring from her ears. "Maybe if you were Rainbow Dash," he said between fits of chuckling and guffawing. 

Pinkie went to raise her voice and stand against the statement, but she sat back down. "That's fair." Rainbow Dash was super duper awesome. There was no doubting that. It kind of made sense now as to why he showed up specifically for her party. Still, Pinkie had just implied something and he laughed in her face. "But now I must challenge you!" With a burst from her wings, she hovered up just below the lantern. She could see her shadow cast down on the table, wings spanning a great distance. "Princess of Jokes? Don't make me laugh—because it doesn't. All comedy will bow before me! I am the Princess of Laughter itself! Kneel, or be knelt upon!" she roared.

Cheese practically fell from his chair—his face told her he hadn't expected such a serious reaction. It would do her quite well to quash all of this nonsense at once. It hadn't been the same answer from before, but she could feel it on the tip of her tongue. "All things that make you feel happy fall beneath my hooves! Rocks that make my sisters happy provide laughter, and that is within my bounds! Jokes are yours? Then it is mine to hold!" she told him, power in her voice. He could not deny her.

"So, can you go out there and make ponies laugh?" He had found a way to deny her! His cleverness knew no bounds. 

"I can make the whole world laugh! Just like Twilight bringing friendship, and Cadance bringing—" She paused. Cadance was love, right? That's why her cutie mark was a heart. "Uh," she continued, "Celestia is the sun, and Luna the moon! They hold the two where no others could!" Well, that certainly wasn't true anymore. The Society of Secret Sorcery had proven that. A group of unicorns could move either or both, and they had caused all these crazy aftershocks.

"Make me laugh, then," Cheese demanded. He truly tried to get on her nerves. First her sisters drove her from her home, now Cheese would send her reeling back to Ponyville. Though that wasn't a terrible idea—maybe Twilight had returned and would have answers. 

She crossed her forelegs and turned her back to him, still hovering in the air above the table. "I don't want to."

"And I don't want to make you, but if you claim to be the Princess of Laughter, then you're going to have to stop me from going out there and claiming I control the jokes." He took a few steps toward the curtain flaps, though his head didn't turn from her direction. "You wouldn't want me to impose on your rule, would you?"

It was there, on the tip of her tongue! If she could just outstretch her tongue to get a taste, she would have the answer she needed to return to her sisters. "No!" she said instead, rushing to the flaps before he could leave. "I won't let you!"

His face held no smugness, but his voice boomed with a coyness that couldn't deny it. "If you don't want me to, you'll have to take on my challenge. I know we've battled out who the party master is—but a song of laughter is due this time. A duet of music, lyrics for the ages! Whoever the audience claims as winner will be the winner no matter what!"

Pinkie shriveled away from the curtain flap to a corner of the tent. "A song?" she said, and grimaced with a thoughtful expression. She turned away, looking at something, or someone, that wasn't truly there. "A song? Here? Now? I mean, it's possible. That one stallion who did the books about a group and their silly ring could do it. But a two-bit hobbyist writer? That certainly won't end well." Cheese listened, though the bemused look on his face meant he didn't truly understand what she was saying. "But if this moves the plot along till I get the answer I'm looking for, I suppose there's no harm." She directed a look as though she was staring deep into the eyes of somepony, gave a wink, and then turned back to Cheese.

"Are you alright, Pinkie?" Cheese asked, sweat trickled down his brow. Was he nervous? Did he expect her to reject his request like he had just rejected her?

"You should be nervous!" Pinkie wanted to say, but held it in. Instead, she said, "I accept! If I win—when I win—I will be crowned eternally as Princess of Laughter!" With an eerie laugh, she tried her best to portray all those menacing times she'd heard over the years of battling villains.

Cheese's grin barely touched his lips as his eyes narrowed. "Deal," he answered. "A duet. I will make sure to sing like this!"

Pinkie was surprised for a moment as his voice boomed, then nodded. "And I will sing like this!"

"And when we come together, it'll sound like this!" they sang together, combining their voices as one.

Somehow, Pinkie knew that it was silly to have to say it aloud. The ponies outside would know they were singing, she hadn't needed to rehearse any time before this. But she let it slide—breaking walls was as common to her as lint in a bellybutton. 

Cheese opened the curtain flap and let Pinkie go first. The crowd had somewhat dispersed, but there were still plenty of ponies patiently waiting for Cheese's return. Pinkie climbed up onto the stage, and ponies came running back, increasing the crowd's size. They even drew in other owners of the booths that had set up shop around Cheese's tent. "Ladies and gentlecolts!" Cheese yelled at the crowd, his hooves cupping his mouth. "It's time to go beyond the simple tests and move onto the big leagues! Princess Pinkie Pie hasn't challenged to be the Princess of Jokes—she claims to be the Princess of Laughter, of all things that make ponies giddy and smile! To take on this feat, we have declared a song off! A one time deal between her and I. The winner will be crowned Princess of Laughter forever!"

Pinkie gulped at that. She hadn't realized the stakes were so high now that everypony watched. If she failed, she wouldn't be much of anything anymore. The Elements of Harmony were gone. It wasn't just a title, but her very purpose on the line. And the answer that had been on her tongue now shrank to the back of her throat, meeting her heart, which pounded like a tap dancer dancing on drums.

"Are you ready!?" Cheese yelled to the crowd, and the scream back was so long that Pinkie could feel the heat of their breath. "Are you ready, Princess of Laughter?" Cheese asked, and his adorable, big eyes looked at her. Why did Rainbow Dash have to be so awesome? 

Pinkie nodded. "Let the song begin!" Suddenly, drums sounded off with horns kicking up. She even thought somepony played the tambourine and xylophone, but that might've been her imagination.


Sometimes laughter's the best medicine,
when your body's moving on adrenaline,
are you sure your words are genuine,
when there's no answer to my call?

But with me you have no choice,
let us stand up and rejoice,
I want to hear it in your voice,
whose the princess of you all?

My sisters fight as royalty, a problem with my family,
I try my best to avoid conflict, only for this trouble to constrict.
Why is there no clear answer?

You're starting to make everyone real sad, and now look the crowd feels bad.
But even if the laughs are gone, we can still finish this song.

How do you have the audacity,
to say my words so casually,
and make me call you majesty,
of my own element?

Now please stop your fantasizing,
only when you start realizing, 
that we should just start synchronizing, 
and live in harmony.

How do you have the audacity,
to say my words so casually,
when you lack the capacity,
to understand my life?

Now please stop your fantasizing,
only when you start realizing, 
that we should just stop synchronizing, 
and live in harmony.



The two stood facing each other on stage, sweat soaked Pinkie's vision. She couldn't stop her heavy panting, but the song was over. She wiped her brow with the back of her hoof, and only then did she hear the cheering from the crowd. A true uproar of happiness from every single pony. The small square had grown so full that even the airspace above the onlookers became crowded. Pinkie could only barely make out the striped shirts Flim and Flam wore, and they cheered in fervor too.

When she looked back at Cheese, he smiled wider than she had ever seen anyone. And then the answer was on her lips. The answer she needed to face her sisters. Not waiting for shouts of encore to be had, Pinkie Pie burst into flight, darting across the sky as quickly as she could. She wasn't sure how fast she was going, but she needed to be faster. Faster than Rainbow Dash even. Maybe she even created her own sonic partyboom—Pinkie didn't bother looking back to find out.

Wind whipped around her, clouds screamed to get out of her way. She tore across the sky.

As she hit the rock farm's boundary, she swooped low, reaching the quarry without having to break her speed. She dived into the pit, narrowly missing her mother and father, before slamming to the ground in front of her sisters. The ground beneath her shifted, a circle of broken stone beneath her hooves. Her whole body shivered with the vibration while she kept a heroic pose, and her teeth clacked when she opened her mouth. When the feeling subsided, she realized she'd almost forgotten the answer. "If I had been any slower, I would've," she mumbled to herself before shaking a few clouds from her mane.

Maud and Limestone still stared each other down, neither acknowledged Pinkie's return. Marble did, though her frown told Pinkie they hadn't ceased their foolishness. But Pinkie ignored the two and got between them, facing Marble with the biggest smile she could muster. "Marble!" she screamed, and the grey mare fell on her rump in shock. "Do you like rocks?" she asked in a more level tone. Marble picked at her ears before returning a nod for an answer. "Cool! I like rocks too!" Pinkie replied, and then added, "Could you show me some cool rocks?"

That too shocked Marble. Maud and Limestone remained focused on each other over Pinkie's back, though Limestone lifted a curious brow. Marble was the one Pinkie wanted to move, however, and the youngest sister did, eventually. Marble didn't walk far, just over a few yards to a pile of rocks that might be useful for specialized tools. Not the most special of rocks to anypony else, in fact, they weren't even special to Marble. But the young, grey mare picked one up from deeper in the pile and handed it to Pinkie.

A small, brown stone with a little bit of mud and clay still gripping its side. Though shaped like a ball, there was a jagged point in one spot that would have to be smoothed down. But the stone itself was cool. It hadn't been in the sun, trapped beneath the pile, and so a good portion of it was cold. "This is cool!" Pinkie said, pressing it against her chest. It was nice to feel against the sweat that still dripped in her fur. "Can I keep it?" Marble's brows raised at the question, but she nodded again. "Marble, you know rocks! You're the Princess of Rocks!"

Marble blinked—then her eyes went wide—then she closed them, covered them with her hooves, and her whole body shook.

"What!?" Limestone bellowed, and Maud repeated the word, though much quieter and in her usual monotone voice. The two crossed the space between them and Pinkie in an instant. "Princess of Rocks? All rocks!?" Limestone growled. "You can't do that Pinkie!"

"Why can't I?" Pinkie asked with a smile. "She showed me a cool rock and it is cool! So, she is the Princess of Rocks!"

"Marble cannot be Princess of Rocks," Maud stated with no change in her voice. It was just matter of fact to her.

"Well, a princess is someone who gives themselves to others. Whatever they can. It kind of hit me—I was singing, and I was like, it's all about me! But by the end I saw this big crowd and realized it's not all about me." Pinkie scratched her chin. "Eh—guess you had to be there."

Limestone practically snarled at Pinkie. "I am the oldest, so I should be the Princess of Rocks!"

But Pinkie tapped Limestone on the front of her nose. "Oldest? By that logic, wouldn't you be the Princess of Old?"

When Limestone looked at Maud, they both kept each other's stare for a short time before turning back to Pinkie. "Pinkie, that's ridiculous," they said in unison. 

"Well, that's going by your logic, silly." Pinkie tried her best to stare into both sets of eyes at once, but her neck hurt after a moment. "Look you two. I should've known better than to run away, but I wasn't certain you two were wrong in trying to be princesses. I thought I might be a princess too. I'm not. Or maybe I am after today, though I don't think I want that responsibility. But I understand what it takes to be a princess now." She sat on the ground, still holding the cold rock in a hoof, and patted the earth beside her. The three all sat down around her, forming a circle.

"Think about it like this: Princess Celestia and Princess Luna give us the sun and moon. They don't do it for themselves, they try to brighten our lives. Literally! When Princess Luna became Nightmare Moon, it was because she was selfish with her responsibility. No harmony at all. She wanted others to do it her way—that's not right. But I've known Twilight for a while now, and all of her time as the Princess of Friendship. She's tried her best to share friendship across Equestria. She isn't trying to make others be friends with her, or to take all the friendship for herself. She spreads it. She spreads it so others will spread it too. I tried to demonstrate that with Marble. She might not have the desire to be a princess, and I don't blame her, but she's willing to spread the joy of rocks. Get it?"

Limestone hung her head, her eyes averting Pinkie's to stare at the ground. Maud was the first to speak. "You've made your point, Pinkie." She then stood without ever changing expressions. "I'm returning to Ponyville. I will spread the rocks message, whether or not I will ever be Princess of Rocks. They are a joy, and so are you, Princess Pinkie Pie." 

Standing up, Pinkie embraced Maud at the same time, holding her for support. "I'm glad to have sisters like you, because I think I needed the answer just as much." Limestone and Marble also stood, each wrapping the other two in a group hug. "Aww, you guys are the best sisters a Pie could ask for!"

"Does that mean we can be the Princess of Sisters?" Limestone asked, and the other three glared. Shriveling away, Limestone turned her back to them. "What!? Can't you all take a joke? Blame Pinkie! She's the one who spreads it around."

Pinkie tackled Limestone, wrapping her tight in her forelegs, almost strangling the mare in what could be considered a hug. "You've got the right idea, Limestone!" she said, smiling and nuzzling the top of Limestone's head. "But if any of you dare call me Princess of Jokes, I will excommunicate you without hesitation." And they shared a laugh. Except for Maud, who—despite her usual monotone demeanor—cracked a smile. Pinkie knew everything would be alright after that.