//------------------------------// // Mike: Some Falling to Do // Story: Fastest Fall in Equestria // by Parchment_Scroll //------------------------------// Mike: I try not to bring up My Little Pony in casual conversation. When it does come up, however, inevitably the question is asked. How did a grown man become a fan of a little girls' cartoon about talking ponies? Well, it's a long story. This is how it starts. Fastest Fall in Equestria Chapter One: Some Falling to Do There was a bright light, and a hint of ozone in the air. I blinked, shaking my head to clear the fuzziness from my thoughts and the stars from my eyes. The first thing I noticed was blue. Lots of blue -- an open, cloudless sky. Wait. Not cloudless, I realized. There were clouds all around me. Just... not above me. I was flying! I let out an excited, happy sound. I'd had dreams of flying -- who hasn't? -- but they couldn't compare to the sensation. I did a little loop the loop for sheer joy of flying, ignoring the ache in my shoulderblades. This was incredible. Then I tried to figure out what had happened. How I was flying. This turned out to be a mistake, and a rather colossal one at that. Have you ever heard of "The Centipede's Dilemma"? That's what happened to me. As I thought about flight, about how it was happening, I realized the pain wasn't in my shoulderblades at all. It was slightly below them, where my wings met up with my back. Wings, I thought. Okay, don't panic. Just... flap them, I guess? I tried. Honestly, I did. Trying only made it worse. My wings flailed around haphazardly, and I immediately lost the aerodynamics that had allowed me to fly up until then. I fell. Like a flailing, panicky rock. If that makes any sense. As the ground rose up to meet me, I reflexively spread my limbs to slow my fall. My wings caught the air, turning my plummet into an out-of-control dive. I strained to pull up. In the distance, I heard a high-pitched voice shouting excitedly. "I think she's trying for a Sonic Rainboom! YAY! You go, Dashie!" A massive tree filled my field of vision. Instinctively, I aimed for an open window, trying to buy myself more time to slow down. Wait, a tree with windo-- "No, check it out! I know it sounds stupid, but it's a really well written show! Just give it a chance, I promise, you'll like it." "Dave, it's My Little Pony. It's the epitome of girly fru-fru kids stuff. Barbie is less girly than My Little Pony." "Seriously, it's awesome!" "Seriously, you're bent!" "Mike..." "No, look, I'm sorry, Dave. I... I didn't mean it like that. I mean like, well, you remember that Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, and how I got all excited about it back when it came out, and you used to tease me about it?" "Yeah..." "Well, that's kind of how you're acting about this pony stuff. I'm glad you found something to get that excited about..." "...uh-huh..." "But it's PONIES." The world came back, slowly, and it was odd. It took me some time to get my bearings, mainly because the room I was in was strange. It was like something out of Tolkien -- a hobbit-hole, only if the hobbit was really into books. I tried to look around, but my head was throbbing so badly that the act of moving it made me want to vomit. Concussion, then. Great. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to stop the world from throbbing and spinning, but that just made the headache worse. A concerned voice called out from somewhere. "Are you all right down there, Rainbow Dash?" I moaned, feeling my stomach churn. "I'd say no, Twi," a second voice called out. Younger. Male, kind of scratchy. Also, enirely too loud. "Mmrrf," I managed. "Not so loud, please?" "Sorry, Rainbow Dash," the second voice said. Someone put an ice pack on my head, and I sighed. "That better?" "Much, thank y--" I chose that moment to open my eyes again, and froze mid-word. Less than two inches from my face was... a. Well, it was purple. Except for the parts that were green. It had scales. Judging from the size of the eyes, and the somewhat pudgy proportions, it was also juvenile. "What?" The purple thing looked confused. "Do I have something on my face?" It rubbed its muzzle with a hand-like claw. "Did I get it?" It rubbed again. "How 'bout now?" "Spike," the first voice called out, "you're not bothering Rainbow Dash, are you? You know she's hurt. Why don't you go down to market and pick up some more oats, huh?" The purple thing -- Spike -- shrugged. "Okay, Twi." So saying, it turned around, leaving the ice pack balanced on top of my head. I noticed the emerald fins running down its back to its thick, spade-tipped tail. A dragon. Spike was a baby dragon. The door slammed behind him and I winced at the sudden noise, which made the ice pack fall off of my head. I reached out to catch it, putting it back in place before freezing again. That had not been a hand I caught the ice pack with. It had been a sky blue hoof. Panic swept through me again. I flung myself back from the offending appendage, bracing myself against a wall. My wings were pinned awkwardly between me and... when the hell did I get wings? I started to panic, realized I was already panicking, and got thoroughly confused instead. That's when the owner of the first voice came down the stairs opposite the wall I was braced against. It was a purple unicorn. Judging by the proportions, it was a pony unicorn. Or a unicorn pony. A ponicorn? A unipony? It smiled at me, trying to hide its concern. "Rainbow Dash? Are you all right?" I screamed, turned to flee, and ran headlong into the bookshelf I had been braced against. Oh, I thought. No wonder that felt so awkward against my back, those books were jammed right into my kidneys! Then a book fell off the shelf onto my already traumatized head, knocking me out for at least the second time that day. "Look, at least give it a try, all right? One episode." "All right, fine, if it'll shut you up. One episode. One." ... "What?" "Well, it's just... the pilot's a two parter." "Tell you what. We'll watch the first part and if I like it, we'll go on to part two, okay?" Consciousness returned, slowly. I opened my eyes, finding myself face to face with the greenest eyes I have ever seen. A cascade of -- no kidding -- pink hair obscured one of them, but they were very expressive, and what they expressed was concern. "Agh, my head," I moaned, eliciting a startled sound from the eyes. "Oh... Oh my. Rainbow Dash, are you all right?" I screwed up my eyes. "No, I'm not all right!" My voice sounded off. Harsh, a little scratchy, and higher pitched than it should. "I crashed into a tree, dropped a book on my head, I've got a pounding headache, and everyone keeps calling me this weird name!" The concerned eyes let out a tiny "eep" sound, and their owner cringed away from me. It was a yellow pony, about the same proportions as the purple unicorn from a few minutes earlier. Its mane and tail were pink, its body was a soft yellow, and it was absolutely terrified of me, hiding behind one of the many bookshelves in the room. I frowned. "Look," I said. "I'm sorry. I'm just... I've got a really bad headache, and I'm very confused, and... I didn't mean to lash out at you like that. Okay?" Slowly, hesitantly, the yellow pony came out of hiding, and I realized that it -- no, it was quite clearly female, judging from the voice and the eyes at least -- she had wings folded up on either side, as well as some kind of marking on her flank in the shape of three pink butterflies. This was all becoming horribly familiar. I had a sinking feeling I knew, at least partly, what was going on. "I need a mirror," I said. "Please."