Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony
It was a dark and stormy night. The Ponyville weather team had seen to that.
Yet as hard as the wind howled, as loud as the thunder boomed and as often as lightning streaked across the sky, Pinkie Pie hardly even noticed. She was too busy looking for Homer to worry about the storm.
“Homer? Oh Hooo-merrr?” Pinkie Pie called out as she walked down the hallway, the lightning flashing again and casting strange shadows all over the walls. It didn’t seem likely to lose someone as big as Homer in a place as relatively small as Sugarcube Corner yet here the little pink party pony was, going from room to room.
Yet curiously Homer wasn’t in one of his usual spots grazing from the biggest bag of chocolate chips he could find. Poking her head back out she noticed a light was on under the door a little ways down the hallway.
“Ooh, maybe he’s in there!” Pinkie said trotting along with an adorable little ‘la-lala-lala’ before opening the door. The room inside was surprisingly spacious, the only thing of immediate notice being a table with a typewriter.
Pinkie gave the typewriter an odd look. “That’s weird, I don’t remember us having this room or a typewriter. Oh well!”
Pinkie peered at what had been written but it looked like only two words had been typed out. “‘Feelin’ fine’ huh. Well that’s good to kn-”
There was an almost blinding flash of lightning from a nearby window, and in that split second of perfect clarity Pinkie Pie could suddenly see that the person who had typed out those two words had written more.
Much, much more.
Scrawled out on the walls, the floor, even on the ceiling, was the phrase ‘NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY’ repeated over and over in enormous lettering, stretching from one corner of the room to the next.
Pinkie took this all in, squinting as the lightning kept flashing from outside. “Hmm, I’m starting to think something might be bothering Homer...”
“HELLO!” The door to the room suddenly burst open revealing Homer standing there. Most ponies would have noticed something seemed...off about Homer. What few hairs he had were in disarray and there was a manic gleam in his eye.
Most ponies however were not Pinkie Pie.
“Hiya Homer!” She chirped waving a hoof.
Homer seemed to falter a little, looking like he had expected a different reaction. “Uh...hi.” He seemed to collect himself slipping back into his earlier behavior.
“Well Pinkie, what do you think? All I need is a title,” He said in a low menacing voice walking towards her. “I was thinking along the lines of ‘No TV and no beer make Homer something something.’”
“Ooh, is this a guessing game? I love those!” Pinkie said, clapping her hooves. “Okay so you ended it with ‘something something’ meaning two words soooo-no no, don’t tell me I can get this!” Pinkie Pie said, holding up a hoof to cut Homer off as he tried to speak.
“Is iiit…’play hopscotch?’”
“Uh, no.”
“Hmm, is iiit ‘go fishing’?”
“Well a little seafood would be pretty good right about n-I mean no!” Homer said, shaking his head trying to stay focused. “Just...here.”
He walked over to the typewriter and clacked something out below where he had written earlier and handed the paper over to Pinkie. “Here, just say these two words out loud.”
“Oh alright, but I totally could have guessed it just so you know!” Pinkie Pie said as she read what Homer had typed out. “You mean where it says ‘go crazy’?”
“Thank you,” Homer said before he cleared his throat. “Now...DON’T MIND IF I DO!” He suddenly screamed his face contorting into a series of bizarre and manic expressions one after another all while gibbering and babbling like a loon.
Even in his current state Homer eventually noticed something wasn’t right when a few seconds in Pinkie had started babbling and making weird faces too. “Uh...Pinkie? What are you doing?”
“Oh I saw you were making funny faces and figured I’d join in!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Yours are pretty good, but I’ve been doing faces for years, in fact,” Pinkie turned away for a moment messing with her face while hiding it from view. “I bet you can’t make a face crazier than this!”
There was another flash of lightning perfectly timed to give full illumination to Pinkie’s face as she whirled around. Somehow she had contorted her face to resemble a photorealistic version of a regular Earth horse, the expression combining with her candy colored coat to produce an effect that was...well terrifying.
Homer let out a blood curdling shriek, his eyes nearly popping out of his head. Grabbing the typewriter and hurling it through a nearby window, Homer dove out and hit the ground rolling, still screaming as he ran off into the night.
Pinkie just sat there tilting her head. “Huh, guess I won.”
***
Some time later that night Pinkie Pie was in Twilight’s castle along with the rest of the girls. The storm was still raging in full force outside, but as much of an eyesore as the garish crystal tree/castle hybrid was, it was nothing if not sturdy.
“...And that’s what happened Twilight! I tried to find Homer but I lost track of him in the storm so I figured I should come get you guys.” Pinkie finished explaining.
Twilight frowned looking down at the ground in thought as she started to pace. “This is bad, from what you describe Pinkie it sounds like Homer may be experiencing a genuine psychotic episode.”
“Oh no poor Homer. To be honest I’ve been a little worried something like this might happen eventually. I’ve seen animals removed from their natural environment have all kinds of emotional issues.” Fluttershy said.
“That may be part of the reason, but I think what Homer may be suffering is an extreme case of substance withdrawal,” Twilight said, stopping to look out the window.
“From what he’s told me, this beer stuff is something Homer indulged in on a regular basis back home, often to the point of excess. Though I’m still a bit fuzzy on what exactly ‘teevee’ is aside from a source of stories and information.”
“The point is, being without it for so long has clearly had a negative impact on his state of mind.”
“Do you think there’s a chance he could hurt someone while he’s like this dear?” Rarity asked, visibly nervous about the idea judging by how she kept using her magic to play with her hair.
“Well it’s not like he’s armed or anything right?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t help him but are we sure this is that big a deal? I mean it’s not like how when Twilight went crazy she caused a riot with an enchanted doll.”
Twilight’s face turned bright red at the memory of what had been easily one of her biggest freak outs of her life. Surprisingly though it was Applejack who drew everyone else’s attention away, clearing her throat loudly.
“Ah-hem. Well, not to alarm anyone but it’s, ah-heh, sort of funny that you would mention that bit about being armed Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said, taking off her hat and holding it in her hooves. “I was going to mention it sooner but Homer stopped by the farm earlier tonight and…”
***
“Hey Applejack can I borrow your axe?”
“My axe? What’cha need that for?”
“For chopping stuff.”
“Stuff?”
“Yeah you know just...stuff.”
“Well alright just as long as you give it back when you’re done.”
“Thanks Applejack. Heh-heh, so naive...”
“You say something Homer?”
“Uh no, not at all! Heh-heh, so naive…”
***
“In hindsight maybe I should have asked a few more questions.” Applejack said while everyone else did a collective facehoof.
“Okay so let me get this straight: Homer’s gone nuts and now he’s wandering around Ponyville with an axe?! How are we not hearing half the town running around screaming in panic right now?” Rainbow Dash cried throwing up her hooves.
“Well if everyone is holed up because of the storm I doubt anyone will be out and about to run into him, but the sooner we get Homer under control the better, we don’t want anyone to get hurt, including him.” Fluttershy said her face settling into an expression of adorable determination.
“Fluttershy’s right. The question is how do we actually do that.” Twilight said as she started to pace again. “Okay, so the first time Homer found out Equestria didn’t have beer or teevee he freaked out, but he calmed down when Pinkie showed he still had access to something he regularly craved IE sweets. What else has he been talking about missing lately?”
“His family?” Rainbow Dash offered.
“That’s the big one, but I don’t know how we could make that work. If we tried to make an illusion of his wife and children it could only make his breakdown worse and it’s not like we can just put on a couple wigs and costumes and pretend to be his family.”
“Though I do think Fluttershy would look lovely in that green dress Marge is wearing in the photos Homer showed us. It would really bring out the color of her eyes” Rarity added.
“Aww, thank you Rarity.” Fluttershy said blushing at the compliment.
“Oooh! Ooh! I have an idea, pick me pick me pick me!” Pinkie said literally bouncing up and down as she held up her hoof like a schoolchild trying to get the teacher’s attention.
“Yes Pinkie?” Twilight said with only the slightest touch of exasperation in her voice.
“Wellll, Homer really loves all the sweets at Sugarcube Corner, but there’s something he’s been really hankering for that I think would be best if it came from someone who specializes in it!”
Pinkie hopped over and started to whisper in Twilight’s ear, and slowly but surely the little Alicorn’s eyes lit up. “That’s not a bad idea Pinkie! Homer’s mentioned those more than a couple times during our weekly catchup sessions, maybe that could snap him out of this!”
“Maybe what could?” Applejack asked.
“I’ll explain later, Rainbow Dash how soon do you think you could make it to Canterlot and back in this storm?”
“Pfft, I can be back within the hour, no sweat Twilight!” Rainbow Dash said snapping a salute in mid air. “You sure you guys will be okay without me though?”
“If we can lure Homer into the castle and seal him in, I’m pretty sure we can stall him until you get back with what we need. Here,” Twilight scribbled something down on a piece of paper and handed it over. “Everything we need is on this list.”
“I’m on it Twilight, be back in a flash!” Rainbow Dash said before taking off like a shot, streaking away in a rainbow colored contrail.
“Okay, now we just need a way to lure Homer to us.” Twilight said turning back to the others.
“Oh you just leave that to me Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said with a big grin.
***
Standing outside the castle drenched with the rain, Homer looked up with a confused expression. Hanging on the outside of the castle was a gigantic neon sign with the words ‘FREE TEEVEE AND FREE BEER!’ in flashing letters that he was pretty sure hadn’t been there a few minutes ago.
“Hmmm, this seems suspicious...good thing I’m too crazy to care!” Homer took off towards the castle cackling like a maniac.
***
As soon as Homer set foot in the castle a quickly constructed ward sealed the door shut and alerted Twilight via a buzzing of her horn. “Okay he’s inside. Now I already explained the situation to Spike so he’ll be lying low until we subdue Homer, now we wait for him to come to us.”
The rest of the girls nodded and took up positions inside the throne room staying out of sight as they waited for Homer to come through the door…
***
With crazed animalistic force Homer swung the axe again and again, the doorway splintering into shards with every strike. As soon as a big enough hole was made he stuck his face in it with a terrifying grin. “Heeeere's Johnny!”
Only to blink at the sight of an apparently empty room.
“D’OH!”
***
And waited…
***
Another door broke from the manic blows of Homer’s axe, his face appearing in the newly made hole. “Jay Leno returns to Late Night!” Again, nothing but an empty room. “D’OH! How many rooms does this stupid castle have?!”
***
Aaaaaand waited…
***
Many, many doors later Homer heaved for breath, barely able to lift up the axe in between swings. “Hahhh….hahhh...so many doors...running out of references...down to...Sean Hannity on Fox News.” Homer paused in mid swing and shuddered. “Ewww.”
Peeking an eye through the crack he made in the door, Homer groaned at the sight of yet another room devoid of victims. “Ah nuts to this I’m going to get something to eat, think I passed a kitchen five doors back…”
***
By now all the tension had been drained away in the throne room and had been replaced by sheer boredom. Pinkie Pie and Applejack had even pulled out a deck of cards and were currently playing poker.
“Okay, maybe I overlooked how easy it is to get lost in this castle.” Twilight admitted. “Okay new plan, let’s split up and look for him. And remember, be careful but even if things get hairy, non lethal force only. We need Homer alive.”
“To get him back home or so you can finish your thesis?” Rarity asked arching a delicate eyebrow.
“It can be both!” Twilight said with a huff.
***
Homer came out of the kitchen holding the axe in one hand and a half eaten grilled cheese sandwich in the other. “Now what was I doing again?” He mused taking another bite. “Oh! Right, murder.” He said through a mouthful of food.
Suddenly Homer heard a familiar ‘boink-boink-boink’ sound. Peering around the corner Homer saw Pinkie literally bounce by. But when he turned the corner she was nowhere to be seen.
“What in the...hey you!” He turned to a pony (who was clearly Pinkie Pie) wearing a bowler hat, a monocle and a mustache. “You see a little pink pony go by here?”
“Pink pony you say? Hmm,” Pinkie Pie lifted a pipe to her mouth and blew a few bubbles. “Did she have hair like this?” She lifted the hat letting her usual hairdo spring free once more.
“Yes.”
“Aaaand does she have a Cutie Mark like this?” Pinkie Pie gestured to her distinctive marking of two blue balloons and a yellow one on her flank.”
“Yes!”
“Aaaand does she bounce around like this?” Pinkie Pie gave a series of little hops around Homer causing her to make that distinct ‘boink’ sound each time.
“Yes that’s her exactly!”
“Sorry, haven’t seen her.” Pinkie Pie said, giving a little shrug.
“Oh, well okay thank you for your time,” Homer said, sounding disappointed as he turned and walked away.
He had only made four steps before he stopped suddenly. “Hey wait a minute-” Homer whirled around but it was too late, Pinkie Pie had already left. “DAMN IT! She pulled a Bugs Bunny.”
***
“Girls? Oh gii-iirls?” Homer called out in an eerie singsong voice as he walked down a hallway axe in hand. “Come out come out wherever you are, I have a surprise for youuu.”
Homer stopped suddenly hearing a whimper behind a closed door. Grinning maniacally, he suddenly kicked it open revealing Rarity who pressed herself up against the wall with a shriek.
“Oh help! Help! Won’t someone please save me!” Rarity cried, raising a hoof to her forehead.
“Now hold still Rarity, I’m just going to take a little off the top!” Homer cackled brandishing the axe as he stepped into the room-
And paused as he heard, right next to his head, the sound of someone taking a very deep breath.
With a sound like an acetylene torch going off, Spike, who had been perched on one of the castle’s many many bookshelves, breathed out and enveloped Homer’s head in emerald fire.
After standing there screaming his lungs out for a good six seconds Homer finally got the idea to move away from the flames and took off down the hallway, his head blazing like a torch.
“What do you think dear? Was that too much ‘damsel in distress’ or just the right amount?” Rarity asked Spike.
“Not bad but the whole ‘hoof to the head’ thing was pretty obvious so I’m going to have to dock a couple points for that.”
“Everyone’s a critic,” Rarity said with a titter as she gently stroked the top of the little dragon’s head. “Now back to bed with you Spike, I’d be the first person to tell you the importance of getting your beauty rest.”
“You sure you guys don’t need my help?” Spike asked looking up at Rarity.
Before she could answer the little dragon they heard a door being kicked open followed by a loud splash and a drawn out groan. Noticing light and steam from an open door, Rarity and Spike peeked around the corner and saw Homer in one of the castle bathrooms on his knees, his head submerged in a toilet.
“I think we’ll manage.” Rarity said arching an eyebrow.
***
Fluttershy looked out a window as the storm raged, giving a small anxious sound and ruffling her wings a bit. “Ohh, this storm really isn’t letting up is it? I’m glad Homer isn’t out there soaking wet and catching a cold, but I’m so worried about his mental health right now. I hope we can help him get better”
Standing a ways away Homer looked at Fluttershy, then down at the axe in his hands, and then back to her before he gave a little ‘pfft’. “Oh to hell with this, there’s being crazy and then there’s just plain being a dick.”
“Hmm?” Fluttershy turned her head but just missed Homer slipping away. “I thought I heard something…”
***
Twilight just stared blankly at what she could only assume was Homer’s attempt at a booby trap.
Ever since becoming an Alicorn Twilight had strived not to let her new status get to her head. That said Twilight couldn’t help but think she merited a bit more effort then the old ‘box held up by a stick tied to a string’ bit.
“Heh-heh-heh,” Homer chuckled softly under his breath as he watched from around the corner. “‘Step into my parlor’ said the spider to the...uh, not spider.”
Giving a little sigh, Twilight’s horn glowed as she simply levitated the book out from under the box and walked away.
“D’OH!”
***
After a while Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy had regrouped in the library to discuss their experiences (or lack thereof in Fluttershy’s case) and came to a conclusion.
“Homer’s not very good at this is he?” Twilight said returning the book Homer had taken back to it’s rightful spot on the shelves.
“I must admit thus far his rampage has been a bit...underwhelming.” Rarity said delicately. “I mean he’s certainly no King Sombra or Lord Tirek that’s for sure.”
“I wasn’t even sure if my disguise was going to be enough to fool him at first to be honest.” Pinkie admitted.
“Maybe he just needs more practice?” Fluttershy offered. “I’m sure if he puts his mind to it he could at least maim one of us, we should give him another chance.”
There was a nine months pregnant pause as the other three ponies gathered just stared at Fluttershy before she caught onto the problem.
“Oh, right, we’re supposed to be discouraging the attempted murder. Sorry, I’m so used to us encouraging ponies to believe in themselves it’s a little hard to switch off.” She said rubbing the back of her head sheepishly.
“Well regardless we should still stay alert until Rainbow Dash comes back,” Twilight said, her ear flicking as she heard the door to the library open followed by the sound of hooves indicating Applejack had arrived.
“Just because Homer hasn’t done any real damage so far doesn’t mean he can’t get in a lucky-SWEET CELESTIA APPLEJACK, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!”
“Whatcha mean Sugarcube?” Applejack asked, blinking at how everyone was suddenly gawking at her, aside from Rarity who had already fainted. “What, do I have something on my face?”
“Ah, it’s not so much what’s on your face as it is what’s on your back.” Pinkie Pie said.
“Oh dear, I think I spoke too soon about the maiming. Stay right there Applejack I’ll go get my first aid kit!” Fluttershy said, taking off like a shot.
“Applejack you have an axe sticking into your back!” Twilight said, throwing up her hooves.
“I do?” Applejack blinked and turned her head as if only just noticing Homer’s axe was buried an inch or two deep in her back at an angle. “Huh, wouldja look at that.”
“How can you be so calm?! Or even be standing upright for that matter?”
“Calm down Twilight I’m an Earth Pony remember?” Applejack said, looking more annoyed than anything at the presence of the axe embedded in her flesh. “It’d be easier to list the things that could kill me then what can’t.”
“But I mean, what happened?! You didn’t see Homer take a swing at you?” Twilight pressed on.
“Not really, the way I figure it must have been while I was out looking for him. I checked a few halls, opened a few doors, then I decided to come back this way when I heard y’all talking.”
“So Homer hit you in the back with an axe, and you didn’t even notice?” Twilight sputtered her expression somewhere between horror and exasperation.
Applejack shrugged, only then giving a slight wince and rolling her shoulders in discomfort. “Well I won’t say it doesn’t ache a bit, but I just figured I pulled something this morning when I was moving all the farm equipment into the barn before the rain started.”
“I...you...but…” The little purple Alicorn was sputtering like a car engine in desperate need of a tune up by now. Knowing her friend was only worried about her Applejack gave Twilight a hug and a reassuring smile.
“Sugarcube you’ve known me long enough to see just how stubborn I can be when I set my mind to it. It’s going to take a lot more than a cheap shot with one of my own tools to put this Apple in the ground, promise.”
“...Will you at least let me take the axe out so Fluttershy and I can take care of the wound?” Twilight said weakly.
“Would you hun? It’s starting to itch something fierce.”
Just as Twilight sighed and was removing the axe there was a knock on the door to the library.
“Who iiis iiiit?” Pinkie Pie sang out.
“Hey guys? Can I have my axe back?” Homer said from the other side of the door. “Applejack kind of walked off with it.”
“Are you going to try and use it on us again?” Twilight asked, glaring at the door.
“Uh...maybe.”
“Homer it was my axe to begin with, and I sure as shoot wouldn’t have let you borrow it in the first place if I knew you were going to take a swing at me with it!” Applejack groused even as the axe was pulled loose and Twilight began to apply her healing magic.
“Come on! Pretty please, with frosting and sprinkles on top?”
As one every other pony in the room, aside from Rarity who was still passed out on the floor, simultaneously turned to look at Pinkie Pie. “What? I’m not going to suggest we let him in just because he asked with dessert toppings.” She said sounding just a smidge defensive.
“Just making sure,” Twilight said before turning to the door. “Now for the last time Homer you can’t have the axe back unless you can prove you aren’t crazy anymore. I’m talking full spectrum testing buster!”
“Okay fine, I’ll find something else to use! Jeez you try and kill someone and suddenly they’re all judgmental about you…” Homer’s voice trailed off as he walked away.
“Ugh, Rainbow Dash can’t come back soon enough.” Twilight groaned rubbing between her eyes with a hoof. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
“Well at least now he doesn’t have the axe,” Fluttershy offered as she finished wrapping a couple bandages around Applejack’s midsection. “I mean how much more dangerous can he get at this point?”
There was dead silence before Pinkie Pie just sighed, looked up at the ceiling and slowly counted down. “Three...two...o-”
The door to the library abruptly exploded into a shower of debris and snarling metal as Homer stood there wielding a chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask. “HEY GUYS LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN A CLOSET!”
“Ugh what is that horrible racket?” Rarity groaned as she came to, holding her head with one hoof before she noticed Homer looming over her. “...Oh, I suppose that’s my cue then.” She said before taking a deep breath and letting out an ear splitting scream.
Twilight screamed too, though in her case it was to form words. “THIS WAY!” She led the others through a second door out of the library with Homer in hot pursuit.
“WHERE IN THE SAM HELL DID HE FIND A CHAINSAW?!” Applejack roared as despite her wound she kept pace with the rest of the girls as they fled.
“I don’t know! I swear everytime I turn around I find a new room in this stupid castle! Just yesterday Spike and I found a game room, an indoor pool and a sauna!”
“You have a sauna?!” Rarity asked her eyes sparkling with excitement before she noticed the look everyone else was giving her. “Right sorry, not the time.”
They rounded a corner only for everyone to come skidding to a stop at the sight of a dead end. “What the-WHY IS THIS EVEN HERE?!” Twilight screamed.
“Eh, got to get us cornered for the finale somehow.” Pinkie said, giving a little ‘what can you do’ shrug.
Right on cue Homer came around the corner still brandishing the chainsaw. It snarled and threw off sparks as Homer gave it another rev, as if the machine itself was alive and enraged.
“Twilight dear this would be an excellent time for you to cast a spell!” Rarity said as they backed up against the wall.
“Sorry Rarity, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.” The little alicorn said shaking like a leaf.
“What she said!” Fluttershy whimpered covering her eyes with her wings.
Applejack pawed the ground and gave a snort, but even she looked worried.
Pinkie just looked...thoughtful. Her left ear flicked, her eyes narrowed and she gave a soft ‘hmm’ as she did something most ponies wouldn’t expect her to do very often.
Pinkie focused.
Long ago her teacher, Fluffle Puff, had taught her everything the little pink party pony knew about manipulating the fourth wall in pursuit of a gag. It was in many ways as complicated and demanding as any form of spellcasting, requiring intense focus as to not lose one’s self in the din of the multiverse.
Just as her teacher had shown her, Pinkie lowered the barriers keeping her mind from wandering too far into the vast pathways of cross dimensional pop cultural references that connected most of creation. Time seemed to slow to a crawl, her eyes going distant and almost vacant.
She couldn’t do this for long, Pinkie was really only supposed to do this in quick bursts for the sake of a specific gag, but if she could just find the right quote, the right reference, it might just reach Homer through all the craziness.
There, deep within the turmoil of Homer’s thoughts Pinkie could see something nestled deep in his heart resonating at a frequency only someone with this kind of training could pinpoint, as precious to him as any family member or snack food. She allowed it to connect with her thoughts, information flowing between Kwyjbo and pony…
And with a start Pinkie snapped out of it, knowing what she had to do. Ignoring her friends calling for her to come back, she walked forward to meet Homer even as he stalked down the hallway the two of them meeting halfway.
Pinkie Pie looked up into that hockey mask, peering into those dark seemingly empty eye holes and picturing the kind simple gaze behind them and spoke, her voice somehow carrying even over the growl of the chainsaw.
“Homer, if you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”
Homer jerked as if he had been physically struck, his eyes now visible behind the hockey mask, staring down at Pinkie wide with shock.
“That....that’s from Star Wars.” He said, lowering the chainsaw.
“Is anybody else hearing an orchestral piece playing all of a sudden?” Fluttershy whispered, lifting her head up and looking around in confusion.
“Shh, Pinkie’s...well I don’t know what she’s doing but it’s having some kind of effect on Homer so let’s keep quiet and trust she knows what she’s doing.” Twilight whispered back.
“Come with me.” Pinkie offered Homer her little pink hoof her voice gentle, tender. “Come back to us Homer.”
Homer visibly trembled. “You don’t know the power of no tv and no beer...I must obey my madness.” He gave the chainsaw a sudden rev making everyone except Pinkie Pie flinch and cry out.
“Search your feelings Homer, I feel the conflict within you, let go of your rage!” Pinkie pleaded, her eyes glistening.
Homer closed his eyes and turned away, his voice heavy with emotion. “It is...too late for me Pinkie.” He suddenly lifted up the chainsaw giving it another rev.
But Pinkie’s words had set something in motion. Like how the first few rumbles of snow build to an avalanche, the references were unleashing a torrent of memories. Memories of timeless tales of good prevailing over evil, of personal redemption, of love and friendship that transcended generations.
The darkness only had so much to offer Homer. It was a maelstrom of rage and fear and madness born of a deep and terrible longing for not only his home but everything that made it a home. Little by little it receded and finally dissipated.
The chainsaw fell to the ground with a clatter followed by Homer’s knees. “Oh my god, what am I doing? I’ve turned my back on everything those movies taught me about right and wrong!”
“Look at me, trying to murder innocent children, I’ve...I’ve…” Homer suddenly threw his fists up to the sky and roared. “I’VE BECOME HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN!!!” Homer curled up on the floor weeping uncontrollably.
“Oh Homer, you’re not Hayden Christensen.” Pinkie cooed gently rubbing Homer’s back.
“I’m not?” Homer asked looking up at her.
“No,” Pinkie said, still speaking in that soft almost motherly tone. “You could never be that much of a whiny little bitch.”
Homer stared up at her before his eyes got huge and watery. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my entire life...I DON’T DESERVE YOUR FRIENDSHIP!” He bawled scooping Pinkie Pie up and squeezing her like a stuffed animal.
“Well you’ve got it anyway.” Pinkie said hugging him back just as hard.
The rest of the girls just...stared. They could tell something significant had just happened but they had no idea what. “Um, that’s...sweet...I guess?” Twilight said blinking slowly.
“Should we maybe consider getting rid of the chainsaw now?” Rarity suggested. Twilight nodded, picking up the power tool with her magic and tossing it into a room hard enough to break something by the sound of it.
“Homer...are you really back?” Fluttershy asked looking up at him as they gathered slowly around him.
“Yeah,” Homer sighed nodding. “It’s me, not that that’s much of an improvement over the way I was.”
“Considering your not screaming and waving around something with a lot of sharp edges anymore I’d call that a pretty big improvement Sugarcube.” Applejack said softly. “Course that’s usually a pretty low bar to clear most days.”
“Yeah I know,” Homer said glumly, his head hung in shame. “I know you kids are trying to get me through this, but I guess I started missing everything I took for granted back home so bad something just...snapped.”
“It’s not just tv or beer I miss, it’s the people I experienced those things with. Hanging out at Moe’s with Barney and the gang at the end of a long week at work, or even just curling up with Marge and the kids in front of the tv at the end of the day.”
“Is that why you went nuts? You were homesick and it just became more than you could handle?” Twilight asked.
“Well, that and a long history of serious psychological problems if I’m being honest with myself.” Homer said rubbing the back of his head. “But uh, sure let’s chalk it up to being homesick.”
Twilight flattened her gaze for a moment before she sighed and shook her head. “I don’t think I will ever fully understand you Homer,” She said before hugging him tightly. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”
“Sooo, am I off the hook then?” Homer asked.
“Well, we do have a history of forgiving people who’ve tried to wreck and/or end our lives,” Fluttershy admitted. “Princess Luna back when she was Nightmare Moon, Discord, Discord again when he ran off with Tirek…” She started rattling off.
“Yeah, Twilight even made the last big baddie we faced her apprentice, and Starlight Glimmer messed with the timeline enough to create a half a dozen horrible futures for all of Equestria!” Pinkie chirped before she turned thoughtful.
“Or has that not happened yet in this continuity? I mean we haven’t seen or heard from her fifteen chapters in and this chapter is kind of off on it’s own but…” Pinkie trailed off noticing everyone just staring at her. “Oops, sorry got a little too meta for a moment. Doing all those quotes must still be making me extra aware of the fourth wall.” Pinkie said with a giggle.
“Just what were you and Homer referencing anyway?” Rarity asked curious now that the threat of imminent death was back to acceptable levels of probability for any given day of the week in Ponyville. “Something about wars in stars?”
“Oh you mean Star Wars? Oh man where do I even begin describing that?” Homer said before he paused, his eyes widening. “Oh my god, that’s it! I know how I can make this all up to you guys!”
“By Pinkie Promising never to go on a murderous rampage ever again?” Twilight asked arching an eyebrow.
“N-well actually I should do that too, but no I meant something else! Pinkie how fast can you throw together a puppet show?”
Pinkie just smirked and held up a couple of hoof puppets she seemed to have made when nobody was looking. One was the upper body of a shiny golden humanoid robot, the other was of a ridiculously hairy creature that resembled a cross between a bear and a gorilla.
“Perfect! Okay, all we need now are snacks and a lot of them.” Homer said, and as if that had been her cue all along Rainbow Dash suddenly zipped into view lugging a big burlap sack.
“Hey guys, sorry I took so long, did I miss anything? Is Homer still crazy?” Rainbow Dash said sounding just the slightest bit winded.
Homer and the rest of the girls just looked at each other and shrugged. “Eh, no more than usual at least. Anyway Pinkie and I reconciled over pop culture references, Rarity and Spike set my head on fire, Twilight forgot to use her magic, Applejack no selled an axe to the back and Fluttershy kind of took a backseat in the whole thing.”
Twilight frowned. “Forgot to use my-?” Her eyes suddenly went wide before she threw back her head and screamed. “DAMN IT I DID IT AGAIN!” She settled down a little after Homer started scratching her ear but she could still be heard audibly grumbling.
Rainbow Dash just nodded knowingly. “Yeah I figured it would be something along those lines. Still, I made sure to come back as soon as I could with what Twilight had me pick up in Canterlot just in case.” She reached into the sack and pulled out-
“Oh my god DONUTS!” Twilight and the rest of the girls took one look at Homer’s expression and wisely cleared a path for him to scramble down the hallway to take the precious treat from Rainbow Dash. “Ohhh sweet, beautiful confection of the gods, how I have longed for thee.” He said cradling the pink frosted plain donut laden with sprinkles in every color of the rainbow.
“Donuts? How is that any different from everything he usually eats at Sugarcube Corner?” Fluttershy asked, blinking at how much Homer was salivating.
“It’s a sweets thing Fluttershy, different cravings require different kinds and when it comes to donuts you just can’t beat a fresh batch from Donut Joe’s in Canterlot.” Pinkie Pie explained.
Meanwhile Homer had already stuffed his face with at least three donuts when he stopped and visibly restrained himself from just diving head first into the open bag. “Oh right, snacks for sharing. Okay give me and Pinkie a little time to plan this out and everyone meets in the library, Spike too he’s gonna love this.”
***
The tiny red glow stick held by the puppet in black armor and a cape clashed with the other puppet’s blue glow stick in a furious display. The fact that the sound effects for the ‘lightsabers’ were being made by mouth took surprisingly little from the intensity of the mock battle.
Finally the armored puppet’s glow stick slashed up at the other puppet’s little hand, and when the brown haired puppet in white let out a cry of anguish said hand was discretely tugged off by a hoof to give the appearance of being severed clean off, prompting a collective gasp from Twilight, Spike, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.
Homer’s voice rumbled out from the puppet in black armor, making full use of his deeper pitch. “There is no escape, don’t make me destroy you.”
The armored puppet continued speaking even as the other puppet staggered and attempted to create some distance between them, clambering onto a precarious fixture made from toothpicks. “Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power.”
“Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy!”
Pinkie Pie replied in a rough haggard voice meant to sound masculine, her puppet trembling. “I’ll never join you!”
“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side.” Homer rumbled. “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.”
Spike and the girls leaned in, eyes wide as if sensing by sheer instinct something was about to unfold.
Pinkie’s puppet Luke spoke again. “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!”
There was the briefest pause from the armored puppet as Homer prepared himself to give the next line the full gravity it deserved, until the library seemed to crackle with tension, and then.
“No...I am your father.”
Applejack went pale, Rarity swooned, Fluttershy let out a terrified squeak, Rainbow Dash swore under her breath, and Twilight gave a little gulp hugging Spike to her chest like a stuffed animal. And Spike? He was in awe, his eyes sparkling as the little puppets acted out one of the most legendary scenes in hu-er, Kwyjbo storytelling.
“That’s not true! That’s impossible!” The puppet Luke cried out ‘his’ voice thick with emotion.
“Search your feelings, you know it to be true.” The armored puppet practically purred.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” The puppet Luke howled before letting out a second quieter “Noooooo…” almost in a whimper.
The audience could hardly contain themselves as the rest of the film was played out until, once the little curtain fell on the puppet stage, five ponies and a dragon leapt to their feet and or hooves and applauded.
Coming out from behind the stage Homer and Pinkie took a bow and it was hard to tell which of them had the bigger smile on their face.
“That...was...AWESOME!” Spike gushed his eyes sparkling with excitement.
“I have to admit, I didn’t think I’d get as drawn in as I did but you were right Homer these stories are pretty special.” Twilight said giggling at how Spike was practically jumping up and down. It seemed Equestria had its first Star Wars fanboy.
“Special is right, I remember seeing that one with Marge back when we were just starting to date.” Homer said, giving a nostalgic little sigh. He watched the girls start to chat amongst themselves about various things from the play feeling a rare moment of genuine pride.
There was one thing that was better than seeing a new television show or film, and that was sharing an old favorite with someone else for the first time.
Reliving his favorite scenes from the original trilogy and seeing how enthralled Spike and the girls had become, the warmth it filled his heart with made the evening’s mayhem already feel like a distant memory.
Homer was snapped out of his thoughts by the feeling of someone nuzzling up against his side. Looking down he smiled at Pinkie and stroked her hair. “You're the best Pinkie.”
“Right back atcha Homer,” Pinkie said beaming like the sun. “So! Once we have a snack break and do ‘Return of the Jedi’ what’s next, the prequels?”
“I’m...still debating that,” Homer said honestly. “I mean, they weren’t George Lucas’ best work by a long shot but they had their moments. I’m just kind of iffy about stuff like Jar Jar, the Jedi youngling massacre and pretty much anything to do with Anakin’s ‘romantic dialogue’ with Padme.” Homer said using air quotations.
“Yeah, and Applejack might blow a gasket over how they have Padme lose the will to live right on the verge of giving birth to Luke and Leia.” Pinkie admitted. “Pret-ty sure the idea of a mother abandoning the will to live when she has a couple of newborns to take care of wouldn’t sit well with a pony with her background.”
“Eh, let’s just give them the cliffnotes if they have any questions and move onto the Disney stuff after we do ‘Return of the Jedi’.” Homer suggested.
“Wait, you mean the Sequel Trilogy?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head.
“WHAT?! Oh god no I meant the Mandalorian. I’m not exposing Spike and the girls to the Disney sequels, I’ve terrorized you all enough tonight as it is.”
“Aww, you big softie!” Pinkie Pie cooed hugging him. “Ooh, I bet if we make the Baby Yoda puppet cute enough Fluttershy’s squee can crack glass!”
As Kwyjbo and pony made plans for the rest of the evening’s entertainment two bizarre creatures watched from a crack in the door to the library. The first one was Discord, watching the festivities with a bucket of popcorn (enchanted so as not to alert Homer with it’s spell).
“So you finally got around to finishing your little ‘Treehouse of Horror’ chapter,” Discord said speaking to the other creature watching through the crack in the door along with him. “How do you feel?”
The other creature was in it’s own way just as peculiar as Discord. It looked like a suit of armor in the shape of a pony wearing furs, the helmet made to resemble some nightmarish fanged visage. Deep in the empty eye sockets a pair of yellow motes of light disappeared and reappeared to resemble eyes blinking.
“Well, honestly I’m a little torn.” The creature admitted. “On one hand there’s that cynical little voice in my head all writers have, telling me I should go back and do certain scenes better, that there’s glaring plot holes and flimsy leaps of logic and overall it’s probably not my best work.”
“Bu-ut?” Discord pressed with a little smirk.
“BUT,” The armor sighed. “It does feel good to finally bring this whole idea to life and on paper, or you know, on text anyway. Certain scenes like the opening with Pinkie and Homer acting out my favorite scene from that episode of Treehouse of Horror have been bouncing around in my head for literally years.”
“So, will you be considering this canon or just a side story with no real connection to the main continuity like those Dragonball Z movies?” Discord asked.
“Probably the latter, I mean hell if Twilight could forgive Starlight Glimmer for nearly wiping out all life in Equestria maybe they really could forgive Homer for trying to kill them. But at the same time I just have a hard time imagining things going right back to normal so I’m considering this chapter canonically optional. If the reader feels like it fits, then sure it’s canon, but if not they can just consider it a fun little extra.”
“And I suppose if you were to allow yourself to be able to make more of these, oh what do the Japanese call them, ‘Omake’ chapters you can buy yourself time to figure out the rest of the plot like you should have when you first started writing?” Discord teased.
“Hey I know how it’s going to end at least!” The armor said stamping an iron hoof.
“Oh you mean the big final battle that has nearly a dozen variations depending on what song you’re listening to at work?” Discord’s smirk was bordering on insufferable at this point.
The armored pony gave an almost canine growl. “Look when my play list goes from ‘You Say Run’ to the opening theme to One Punch Man and then through a bunch of songs from Skillet there’s going to be different images in my head okay?!”
“Now ‘Barry’, you know I’m only giving you a hard time to tease you.” Discord chuckled patting the armored pony on the head. “In any case I think we should leave Homer and the others to it and call it a day.”
“Yeah I guess, hey maybe if I can put out a few more of these ‘Omake’ chapters I’ll be able to free up enough space in my head to remember my social security number without writing it down.”
“With all the Yu-Gi-Oh card stats and self insert shipping with canon characters floating around in there? It might take a while.”
“Aw shaddup.”