//------------------------------// // Errands: The Chapter Where Dan Goes Completely Insane // Story: Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) // by Barrobroadcaster //------------------------------// Dan did his best to make the bag of rice last longer than the bags of ice. Punching things seemed to be his version of squeezing a stress ball, and it actually seemed to be helping him. Dan's anger and inability to exact revenge on Rice Puddinghead was eating him up inside; now, he was beginning to suffer from hallucinations. Spike didn't know what to think. At the very least, he would have a lot to tell Twilight about when they finally got back home. "I don't think the rice is going to last much longer." "Then go get another bag," Spike said. Thank goodness rice was cheap. Still, they were going to need a better alternative than this soon enough before Dan punched his way through everything in the store. Dan dropped the bag. "I think... I think I'm seeing things, Spike." "That does tend to happen when your eyes are open." He grabbed a pair of cans off the shelves. He waved them around. "Look at this! Everything looks weird and... drawn and... animated! It's like we're in a cartoon!" Spike gave a long, hard look at the camera and said, "You don't say." He looked back at Dan. "Come on, Dan. Let's focus on the groceries. We're getting close on the list to something you like." "You mean we're leaving?" "No." "Pone Depot?" "I thought you ordered stuff delivered from there." Dan looked down at his feet. "I like going to the store. And just walking around." Spike shook his head in confusion. "You like going to the store and just walking around? You just walk around and you don't buy anything?" "I'm not used to being able to buy things! Access to the treasury is one thing but I'm just... well, I'm not used to it. Sometimes, I just like going there to walk around. I like being around hardware okay?" "Uh huh," Spike nodded. "Well, we are going to an aisle you like next." "Really? And what aisle is that?" Spike led Dan around the corner, a couple of aisles and shelves over, down a good distance past the dried pasta and instant macaroni was- "IT'S THE CANNED CHILI AILSE!!" Dan exclaimed. "Ahh, and they've got all the best brands!" They had exactly two brands: Timber Wolf-Brand and Hornel, pony versions of the quasi-popular Earth-based brands, Wolf-Brand and Hormel. In fact, most people that enjoyed chili made their own, but these canned chilis were popular in recipes. Dan liked them because they were quick and easy to make, they were a decent meal for him and Mr. Mumbles, they were very affordable, stored and kept well and he used the cans for various revenge schemes. They made great blunt objects or explosive traps. Technically, the canned chili aisle was not an aisle, but just a few shelves at the end of dried and canned meats. Canned vegetables and canned fruits and canned bread had their own shared aisle. Being usually poor, Dan valued canned foods, mostly because he ended up eating them a lot. Off-brands like Spaghetti Rings and Mystery Meataroni were among his usual diet. Honestly, it was rough for Dan when he was living in California. Ponyville, by comparison, was a lot easier and a lot healthier, all things considered. But the hard outlook on life, the rugged living never wore off on Dan. It was a part of him that Equestria's magic even amplified. "Just pick a few cans to restock the pantry. I figured you'd like the opportunity to do this yourself," Spike said. Dan loved preparing. This included stocking foods for survival situations. "I can't get a pallet of chili? Fluffle Puff's allowed pallet(s) of ham." "I know you're joking." "I am," Dan admitted, and happily placed the chili cans in the cart. Six cans, plenty for the time being, and that's what Dan was focusing on right now. They went back to the breakfast aisle. "Did you get cereal?" "Uh, no, we don't use it that often." "What are these brands, even?" Dan said. Not everything had an Earth-based counterpart, including cereals. "Sugar-frosted honey holes? Sweet brown maple rings?" "Umm... yeah, we don't eat cereal that often," Spike said, rubbing his neck. "Why are cereal mascots so creepy?" Dan asked. He picked up a box of Honey-glazed Sugar Loops. "Is it a rule or something that all these cereals have to have weird sexual titles? You know, there's actually a story about the Kellogg's guy, John Harvey Kellogg, and he believed-" "Look, Dan! Pop-Tarts!" "Oooooh, Pop-Tarts!" Dan exclaimed. "Nice, and the variety boxes are on sale. Good spot, Spike." "Yeah..." "Hi there!" "GAHH!" Dan nearly jumped back. "What's wrong?" Spike asked. Dan looked around. The aisle was empty aside from him and Spike. "I just thought I... heard... something..." It sounded like it was one of the sales pony robots. There was a coupon dispenser between the Pop-Tarts and cereal. Spike took a coupon, and the dispenser automatically replaced it. The design of the dispenser was meant so people couldn't just take all the coupons for themselves. Generally, it worked. After that, they swung back around to the lunch meat aisle to pick up hot dogs. "Can't remember the last time I had a hot dog," Spike commented. "I can," Dan said. The underground fight club in Appleloosa, which had really been a stadium/museum complex created by the Director, was the last place Dan had had a hot dog. He remembered Cap, Chris, the Imperials and others and he missed them. Even with all the chaos and randomness they were dealing with at the time, it had been fun going on a quest. Getting revenge on Rice had given Dan purpose and focus. Now, Dan felt like having a little taste of that. He picked up two large packages of franks. Maybe he'd combine them with the chili. Dan and Spike picked up a few other things, basic stuff. Eggs, milk, frozen food- anything cold was best-saved for last so it stayed as cold as possible. "Alright, we're at the end of the list now." "Great." "Last thing is... vegetables." "We go to the farmer's market on Green Street for those," Dan said. Spike rolled up the shopping list and then smiled knowingly at Dan. "Not for this." The produce section of the supermarket was comparatively smaller than those of its counterparts on Earth. Ponies had more farms and a larger abundance of fresh fruits and vegetables, and regulations were a lot more strict. For the most part, grocery store produce was meant to be used as ingredients in salads. Not soups, stews or anything fancy, but simple salads. This applied to every vegetable, save one. "Why exactly do we need a hundred and fifty potatoes?" "For lots of reasons," Spike said. "Now, help me pick out some good ones. Make sure none of them are bruised or-" "Yeah yeah, I know how to choose spuds," Dan said. He brushed a few of the potatoes aside, looking for ones that were decently-sized, shaped, none that were too old or damaged. Dan took a potato in hand, looked it over with his eyes half-glazed, only paying that much attention. But when he turned it around, it looked back at him. "Hello, Dan." "AAAAAAAAHHH!" Dan dropped the potato. "Dan?" "The-the potato... it..." It looked like Rice's head. It WAS Rice's head. And then, so was every other potato in the display. "Did you really think we were done with you?" "AAAAHH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Dan screamed. He staggered backward, hand gripping his chest, scrunching up the JERK logo in the center until it was unrecognizable, as was his horrified expression. "No... no, it can't be! This isn't real!" He bumped into a display behind him. "It may not be real," Rice said. Dan spun around. The refrigerated juice case was behind him, stocked full with various fruit and vegetable juices. But the labels all had Rice's grinning face. "Start your day with something else that's one-hundred-percent freshly-squeezed!" "AAAAAAA- Spike! Spike!" "Dan, what's wrong?" "Everything is... he's everywhere, he's-" Dan looked down at Spike. Except it wasn't Spike. It looked like Spike, was a purple dragon like Spike, but his face was unmistakably- "RIICE!! AAAAAAAHHH!" Dan dropped everything. Spuds flew everywhere. Arms flung up into the sky, Dan went screaming down the aisles of the supermarket. "Time to get Twilight," Spike said to himself. He began writing on the back of the shopping list and then incinerated the note with his flames. The ashes would reach Twilight soon, hopefully soon enough. Dan bolted outside. He could've sworn the stock boy, even the voice of the automated sliding doors were Rice's voice. He was everywhere! Dan was losing his mind, and he knew it! He ran down the street, past Sugar Cube Corner. Sweet Street intersected with Green Street which ran around the rim north of town down to the west, bordering the Everfree. He pressed himself against the wall of a cottage, hoping no one saw him. Hoping Rice didn't see him. How was Rice everywhere? It didn't make sense. Dan started to calm down. His heart rate normalized. He couldn't beat Rice if he was everywhere. He couldn't beat Rice period, as the princesses had ordered. But... his mind continued, he needed some way to exact justice. There had to be some way to get revenge. If he didn't, Rice would just keep coming back, that he knew. And he was right. But what could he do about it? Revenge, yes, that was the answer, but how? He didn't even know where Rice was, aside from the illusions surrounding him, which weren't even really good in hindsight. Equestria was telling Dan to get revenge, that had to be it. Yes, this was a message, a magical message for Dan and Dan alone. Dan had to get revenge... but how? What was something Rice valued more than himself? Dan looked up and down the street. No one was coming, no one was searching for him. It was night, and the streets were dark aside from the firefly street lamps. He was completely in the shadow of the building, no one could see him even if they were looking for him. He could escape Ponyville, maybe pretend he had been kidnapped or something. With things in Equestria still returning to a sense of normalcy, it wouldn't be impossible for him to just slip away unnoticed. He looked further down the street. The lights of Ponyville General Hospital were brightly illuminated near the north of town. Just a few blocks away from the hospital was- "Yes... yes, of course!" Dan said to no one. In a pocket of the north-west corner of town, carved into an outcropping of the Everfree Forest was the cemetery. It was just on the other side of the river- he could run across the dam and get there to avoid the obvious route. The cemetery was small, and the smaller pet cemetery was nearby it, a quiet and secluded spot for the spirits of the departed to rest in peace. Apart from the occasional Nightmare Night prank or funeral, the cemetery was empty of activity. Graverobbing was unheard of. Until now. A sinister smile spread over Dan's face. It was time he dusted off another favorite past-time of his own from Earth: graverobbing. And he knew the name of the grave he was going to rob: Vice Grip. Dan snuck through the streets of Ponyville to the cemetery, intent on defiling the grave of Rice's son.