//------------------------------// // Horny // Story: Guy Talk // by JonRS //------------------------------// Guy Talk Episode 1 "Hello, Equestria. Welcome to Guy Talk, where we objectify women in a female run society for the sake of entertainment. This is the first and hopefully last episode of this debacle." Spike said starting the show. "Awww, come on. This is going to be awesome." Snips said excitedly. "I'm totally pumped. What are you being such a bummer for anyway?" Snails said. Spike just sighed as his friends missed the point of his anger. "You guys know what it means if we do this show, right? Talking about this stuff is fine when we're alone but there are ponies actually listening to us now. A lot of them aren't going to like what we talk about." Spike explained. "I know right. We're totally gonna be famous." Snips said. "Did you hear a word I just said?" Spike asked to colt who was practically bouncing in his chair. "Yeah, you said a lot of people are going to be listening to us which means we're going to get super popular." Snails said. Snips and Snails slapped hooves as Spike groans in frustration. "Whatever, let's just introduce ourselves. I'm Spike." The dragon spoke into the mike. "I'm Cutter." Snips said. "And I'm Slo Mo." Snails said. "What the hay are you guys doing? Those aren't your names." Spike said confused by their new names "We're establishing our new celebrity personas." Snips said. "Our old names weren't cool enough so we changed them. Pretty cool, huh?" Snails said obviously proud of himself. "I never thought I'd say this but your old names are better." Spike said. "Guys, I hate to break this up but we'll never get to the topic at this rate." Vinyl Scratch said from her booth. "That was our producer, Vinyl Scratch and the entire reason Snips and Snails are acting like a couple of big shots. You can blame her for this stupidity." Spike said introducing her. "Now every one knows our real names." Snips said disappointed. "We'll never be famous now." Snails said looking down. Spike placed his face in his palms and sighs heavily. There were no words for the kind idiocy he was experiencing right now. "Let's get on with it. What's the topic?" Spike asked his two co-hosts. "Oh yeah! Snails and I picked this one personally. On the count of three…." Snips announced. "Are you guys really doing a countdown?" Spike asked. "One!" Snails said. "Oh Celestia, they're actually doing it." Spike sighed. "Two!" Snips said. "Can you just say it already?" Spike asked. "Three!" Snails said. "Who's hotter? Bon Bon or Lyra!" Snips and Snails said together much to the dismay of Spike. "Truly the question that has plagued all of pony kind for eons. I'd like to apologize to if this conversation offends Bon Bon, Lyra, or anyone else." Spike said. "What are you apologizing for? They have the honor of being our very first topic." Snips said. "It's like they're getting a medal or something." Snails said. "I'm sure they feel like winners right now. Three adolescent boys fighting over who's hotter. What girl doesn't dream of such luxury?" Spike said being quite sarcastic. "Exactly!" Snips said taking it seriously. "Now you're getting it." Snails said missing the point as well. "I'm going with Bon Bon. She's just a bit better than Lyra." Snails said. "Okay, I'm going to tell you why you're wrong. Lyra's the total package. Nice flank, beautiful smile, and those legs. I could go on, but we only have so much time." Snips said correcting his friend. "And Bon Bon isn't the total package?" Snails asked in disbelief of his friend's opinion. "She's a beautiful pony. Don't get me wrong. Lyra just has something that she can't compare with." Snips explained. "What's that?" Spike asked. "She's got a beautiful horn." Snips said stating the reason for his pick. "Well, I'll give you that." Snails said agreeing with him but Spike was still confused. "Hold on a second. Are you kidding me? You're picking Lyra because she's a unicorn!" Spike exclaimed. "No, I'm picking her because she's got a great horn. It's almost perfect." Snips said." "Okay, you got to explain this to me because this how I see it. You picked Lyra because she has a horn but you say it's not because she's a unicorn even though were comparing her to a earth pony." Spike said explaining his confusion. "Let me put it this way. Lyra is a better unicorn, than Bon Bon is an earth pony." Snips said making his point. "Because of her horn? Why?" Spike asked. "Well, it has a nice shape. It's like a cone." Snails said. "It has a nice point too." Snips added. "Are you guys really telling me that unicorns care about horns when it comes to looks?" Spike asked. "Yeah, it's really important to me." Snips said. "Of course!" Snips nodded in agreement. "I-I'm going to need a third opinion. Scratch, is this a thing?" Spike asked the pony in the booth. "Oh yeah! I get my horn buffed and waxed all the time." She admitted. "It looks great, Scratch!" Snips said paying her a small compliment. "I think it's even better than Lyra's." Snails said "Aww! Thanks, guys! That's really sweet!" Vinyl Scratch said appreciative for the praise. "I don't get any of this. Maybe it's cause I'm a dragon." Spike said not understanding at all. "Who'd you choose?" Snails asked. "I chose Lyra, but I want to get back to this horn thing. I have lived around unicorns my entire life and I feel like I should know this. How big a deal is the horn of a unicorn when it comes to attraction?" Spike asked. "It's literally the first thing I look at when I meet another unicorn." Snips said. "There's even a fetish for it." Snails said. "Hold on! I get the horn thing being a big deal, but you cannot make me believe that there are ponies out there with horn fetishes." Spike said unable to comprehend such a thing. "Of course, there's a fetish for horns. You can pretty much turn anything into a fetish." Snips said. "How would that even work? Is it just unicorns? Vinyl, do you know any ponies who are into this sort of thing?" Spike asked deferring to the unicorn's experience. "I once dated a pegasus who was really into it. He'd ask me to just rub my horn on his body all the time." She said shocking the dragon. "Really?! And that got him in the mood?" Spike asked. "It did more than that actually. After a few minutes of moaning, he'd just lose it." Vinyl Scratch revealed. "Are you telling me that you dated a guy who was so sensitive that your horn was enough to get him off?" Spike asked in awe of this sordid tale. "He had a sensitivity to magic. Ponies like that don't need much." She said. "What happened between you two? You get tired of rubbing your horn on him or what?" Snips asked. "Actually, he asked me to do something with my horn that was just a little too kinky for my taste. Let's just say he literally asked to me to shove it, and I metaphorically told him the same thing." Vinyl Scratch answered causing Snips and Spike to react. "Oh, that's sick!" Snips said shaking his head. "I don't get it." Snails said being a bit slow on the uptake. "Trust me, you don't want to and with that bit of disturbing imagery I'll think we'll end things here. I'd like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this." Spike said just as Snails realized what Vinyl meant "Wait, I get it! Aww, gross." Snails said reacting a little later than everyone else. "That was Snails. I'm Spike and this is Guy Talk signing off." Spike said. If you have questions for Guy Talk, pm me with a question and your oc's name (or I'll just use your username). Your question could appear on the next show.