//------------------------------// // The "but she is a horse!" part // Story: Cheery Cheesy Cheeky Romance Hoers Words // by Axel Azabash //------------------------------// I was really sleepy when I heard a couple of knocks. I was living in a slightly bigger than normal closet with no windows, so I couldn’t see at first glance what time it was. Morning already? Wasn’t it a holiday? Was it late already? I opened the door and found a smiling Cheer-cheer. Looking around, it was still slightly dark, probably just before dawn. I didn’t have to work today, what was the deal? “Eh… Cheers? What’s going on?” I asked, still sleepy. “It’s morning, breakfast is ready!” She announced happily. I looked left and right. No signs of kitchen destruction. There was just a couple of hot cocoa mugs on the table and a plate of cookies. “That’s nice and all, but… Isn’t too early? We don’t have to do anything today.” “Nah… I just wanted to be absolutely sure…” She mumbled to herself, looking suspiciously left and right through the windows. “Absolutely sure about what?” I asked, crossing my arms. “…Aaahh… bout… Just making sure we enjoyed this day!” Came her not-awkward-at-all response. “Okay…” I raised an eyebrow. This mare was starting to creep me out. “Let’s have breakfast before the cocoa gets cold!” We sat on the couch and relaxed a little. With how sleepy I was, I was almost falling asleep again. Then, Cheery suddenly got up and trotted to her room, coming out a moment later with a blue saddlebag. Then she stood there, staring at me, with her eyes a little bit lost in the middle distance for a moment and a darker hue of red adorning her cheeks. She stood there for a moment, paralyzed, blushing and her eyes wide open. “Cheery, are you okay?” I asked, clearly concerned. She blinked twice, then laughed nervously, took a deep breath and released it, like trying to calm herself. Then she reached for her saddlebag, turning her whole body a little bit like a cat chasing its own tail but only less than a quarter of turn before she got her muzzle into the bag with the help of a foreleg. Then she took a red heart shaped box and presented it to me, her eyes closed tightly. After a couple of seconds, she opened up an eye tentatively, as if scared of what my reaction would be. I slowly reached for the box and took it, as she was clearly offering it to me. The moment her mouth was free, she was able to speak again. “Would you be my… partner this… Hearts and Hooves day?” She asked timidly. “I… uh… what?” “Would you… err… spend this day with me?” “Uh… wait… spend this day like… a couple?” “Yes?” “Uh… but… me… I… you… How?” I was completely dumbfounded. I sat on the couch and put the box back on the table. I looked down trying to understand what was happening, but my brain wasn’t working. I noticed the slight weight shift of Cheery sitting on the couch next to me. “Well, I had to try at least…” She said to herself. “You… what?” “Ask you out for Hearts and Hooves day, you know…” She explained. “But… You are a… pony and… I’m not…” I tried to carefully measure my words in order to not sounding… racist? Specist? “Yeah, and?” She asked. “We are from different species.” “Yeah…so?” “I don’t get it. Why would you ask out someone from a different species?” “Why would I not?” Her reply came like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Wouldn’t you want to be with a pony stallion instead?” I asked. “Depending on the stallion I may or may not…” “Then… why me?” “Because I like you.” Her words, those exact words, hit something weird inside me, like if they were coming from an old crush or something. “But… why?” “Why not?” After that, we remained silent for some time. My brain was experiencing a slow-motion train crash between the ‘But she is a horse!’ train from Earth station and the ‘Well, she is kind of nice, why not?’ train from Horse Land station. “I knew you were likely to reject me, but I had to try, at least try one year to have a special somepony to spend this holiday with. I’m feeling better now.” She explained. “Wait… I didn’t say anything yet.” “Then what are you waiting for?” “I… never considered this to be an option.” I answered. “Why not?” She asked again… I was starting to hate that question. The answer was so brutally obvious that it was overwhelming, but despite that, I had nothing good to answer the ‘why not?’ apart from ‘because of nope’. “I’m not… into… other species.” I argued. “I see… I didn’t expect that.” “You didn’t!? What is surprising is that you are actually considering it.” I answered. “Ponies, especially mares, date other species all the time, is not that rare.” She sighed and went back into lecture mode a little bit, like trying to swallow down her emotions. We remained in silence near each other, both of us looking down, not really sure about what to do next. It was a really awkward situation. Truth be told, I enjoyed Cheery’s company, but I only considered her to be a friend. “I don’t know what makes me sadder… the fact that I got rejected, or the fact that… one of my best friends will probably never find a special… somecreature… Just like me.” She continued after a while. “A special… what?” “Well, since you are the only one known of your species and you said you weren’t interested in a relationship with other species… That means you will live a lonely live unless you are able to return to your planet, and Twilight said that was going to be really difficult, if at all possible.” That was another hit to the feels I was not expecting. “But… what gave you the idea that I would want a relationship with… somecreature from other species?” I asked, a little baffled, trying to reformulate the issue. “Remember last week? We were talking stuff about universes and the possibility of space travel and you mentioned that your species had a lot of fictional stories about it and that some of those stories were based in actual theories that could become true in the far future…” She explained. “Uh… yeah, but what does that have in common with…” I motioned between the two of us. “You said that there was one creature… Um… I can’t remember his name… who was a hybrid between a… one of your species and other species, yes?” She asked “Spock, who is a hybrid with a human mother and a vulcan father…” I said, falling back into English for the actual names. As those names didn’t have an equivalent in other concepts familiar with the inhabitants of this planet, there wasn’t a direct translation in Harmonic. They couldn’t even pronounce them. “Um… that guy… yeah, the one who had a mother of your species and a father from an alien one…” She clarified. “And you looked… completely okay with that.” “Yeah, but that’s different, that’s…” Well, probably not that different at all, damn it, I went face first into her conceptual trap, I tend to forget sometimes that she’s a teacher... Clever girl… If I was to spend the rest of my life in an alien planet, and there was a cute alien girl interested in me… would I say yes? Probably, if I was attracted to her. Well, but it’s different, she is a little horse! An animal! An animal? An animal who is a year older than me, intelligent… who is a productive member of a complex society, who talks a foreign language, who has kind of the same feelings as humans do… I looked back at her. She was looking at the floor, some tears trickling down her muzzle, but maintaining a dignified stance. What would I do if she was a human? She was intelligent, fun to be around, strong, one of the most stable ponies I knew (believe me, that is a huge plus considering how crazy they can go sometimes), independent but without being cold and lonely… She was totally not a princess in distress, she could handle a bunch of wild children in a dairy basis without letting her emotions get in the way of her job, and she could handle herself and whatever life threw at her. The kind of girl I liked, not someone I had to protect, she was someone who could fight against whatever back-to-back with me, together. A battle buddy who could go on adventures with me, talk about weird science bullshittery, go drinking with me, wrestle with me over stupid stuff… If she was human, I would totally be all over her. But she is not… “Is it that common around here? I mean, dating other species?” I asked. “Uh… yeah, a lot.” She answered. “Ponies are weird.” “Well, not that much. Look at the griffons… It is said that the father of their species was a primordial eagle and the mother a primordial lioness. Those species existed and there are some records in ancient history.” She explained. “Griffons are even weirder then… I mean, it should be a legend, genetics don’t work like that!” I argued, falling back into English for the word ‘genetics’. Heh… they don’t have that word either, they haven’t discovered ‘genetics’ yet, so it may not apply here… like in some crazy child’s mind who would think that life was in black and white before color was invented just because all the footage from back then isn’t in color, or that we went flying around until gravity was discovered… Stupid Newton had to ruin it all. “And Hypogriffs… they are half griffon and half pony. It is said that a unicorn mare ran away with a griffon because their respective families wanted to kill the other’s, and their sons and daughters founded a new species. There are more recent and actual records about that.” She added. “I haven’t seen those.” “Well, nopony has in a very long time, but they were there.” “More legends.” “And well, then, there are the minotaurs. We have cows and bulls, but the Minnow Dominion is ruled by minotaurs, you have seen those, we know almost for sure that their primordial mother was a cow… but we don’t have any clues about their primordial father.” She explained. “Is that… true?” That was hitting disturbingly close home… In human mythology, a minotaur was a mix between a bull and a… “Dude, I’m a teacher, I have been teaching this stuff for ages! I can get you a textbook for foals with all the different races of Equus. Uh… are you alright?” She asked concerned when she saw my reaction. “A cow and a…” Then I pointed at myself. Cheery eyes’ went wide. She was smart, she got what I wanted to say. A minotaur was a hybrid between a human and a bull. If the things she was saying were true, then there had been humans in Equus before, long, long time ago. A human desperate enough to… bang a cow? Greeks had myths about gods, demigods and weird stuff. I remember that there were even horses in the mix, like a horse demigod that had relationships with other characters that were represented as humans and had more sons and stuff, a pegasus or something. I know I had read about it somewhere; I don’t remember the details and I don’t really want to. Greeks are weird. Also… Centaurs, damn it… And here I was, surrounded by mythological creatures, talking miniature horses, and unicorns and… oh god, there are pegasuses too, their cloud architecture reminded me of Greeks or Romans, and there are minotaurs too! “You will have to forgive me, but this is coming as a shock for me…” I said. “What shock?” “In my world, the only intelligent species are humans, so I find this really weird.” I answered, saying ‘human’ in plain English. “I thought you were over the species barrier already. We have discussed that.” “Yes, I accept that there are other intelligent species and I interact with them as people, not animals, but… Dating?” “If you are over the species barrier and treat us as people, then why not?” She asked again. “We are going in circles with that question.” “That’s because you are not answering it.” Clever girl… I was in a loophole, the answer should be obvious, but for some reason, Cheery was poking every single hole in that logic, I couldn’t come up with anything anymore. The only thing that I could add to defend my position was that I didn’t like ponies, that I didn’t like her like that. “…I mean… I don’t want to sound like a pushy mare, I know your answer, but… I just wanted to know why. Sorry, I won’t push the issue further.” She spoke. Was I against the idea because I thought she was unattractive? Because she resembled an animal from my planet? Because of ‘Deus Vult’? I looked back at her, staring into each other’s eyes. Concern was present in her eyes, those green, expressive eyes sparkling intelligence and understanding. Dumbfounded but at the same time curious about me, she cared about me. She tilted her head a little bit to the side in puzzlement after we have been looking at each other for a while. If she was a human, I would be all over her. “Okay…” “Uh?” “I mean… yes. Just… I’ll need time to adapt.” “What? Do you mean it?” She said, a spark of hope shinning in her eyes. I just answered by scooting a little bit closer and bumped my forehead to her cheek in a very pony like gesture. She responded by nuzzling my head and putting a hoof on my back to pull me in for a hug. We stayed like that for a little, her head on my shoulder and nuzzling my neck while I stroked her back. She shuddered a couple of times with a sob, but despite her tears, she was smiling. “An alien mare interested in me… that’s kind of crazy.” I said. “Well, there are a number of mares interested in you in town, at least that I know.” “Wait what!?” I broke the hug in shock. “Yeah, I have seen a few of them send you… hints and signals.” “What kind of signals?” I asked. “For the love of Celestia… Lyra whipped your bum with her tail last week in the bar! That’s as obvious as it can get!” She said with a groan of frustration. “Wait… are you saying that she meant it… in…” “As sexual innuendo, yes.” She deadpanned. “And the scrunchies…” “They mean something like ‘hey, you smell nice, come at me, big boy’.” She managed to say maintaining her serious glance and I bet she would had said that in a flat tone if it was at all possible in the sing-songy Harmonic. I started to think about every time a mare has given me a scrunchy… Lyra in countless times, Berry Punch a couple of times… The pink menace at Sugar Cube Corner… at least once that I remember… And a considerable number of other mares that I didn’t even knew personally. Thinking about all my interaction with ponies but considering the possibility that they could be hinting something in that way… Oh my… there were a lot… “But… How is that even possible?” I asked. “Would it be different if a pony from Equestria was sent to your planet?” An Equestrian on Earth… A pony… let’s say a stallion. He would be treated as a weird animal, probably some government would try to make some experiments with him. Just like Purplesmart did… He would be treated as an animal for a time… just like Yellowings did with me at the beginning, when she rescued me from the forest. If humans really made an effort to understand him and the experiments didn’t kill him and the government somehow let him go… If he was smart enough, he would end up learning the language… Just like I did. Then, I thought about girls… Girls would think that he was cute, of course, ponies in this planet are adorable. Then I thought about the internet. Hippies, furries, kinks, weird stuff… there were plenty of people who could potentially be interested in him in a romantic way. With the number of humans that there are, and on the internet, without doubt, he would become famous in no time. If only one in a thousand humans was interested in him in a romantic way, he would still receive a ton of attention… “I don’t know…” I answered. “Well, not all mares are interested in you, but just think about it. If there is only one in ten mares who would consider you a nice stallion to have, you are the only one of your species. If only one out of ten are interested in you, there would be like a dozen mares just in Ponyville for you.” She explained. Just as I was considering the opposite scenario. Were we sharing a mental bound already? “One in ten seems like a very optimistic proportion.” I replied. “That’s a conservative guess, I think there are even more, actually…” “Really?” “Yeah, remember that we ponies are used to other species, and dating them is not out of the realm of possibilities in general. Mares are curious about you.” She concluded. “So… what did you see in me that made you ask me out?” I asked. “Well… we have relatively similar interests, I like to chat with you, you are learning a lot about Equestria, I love teaching you all that… I suppose that you trigger my romantic feelings and at the same time my passion for teaching. Like if you were one of my students but you are actually grown-up, so it’s totally okay if I ask you out.” She explained. “Do you find me attractive?” “At first I have to say that you were kind of intimidating. You are so tall and have such long legs and those hands… Now, I find you kind of menacing too, but… in a thrilling way?” She said, blushing a little and hesitating at the end. “And… do you find me attractive?” You know as well as I do that if a girl asks you that very question, there is no right answer, nor a good way out. Wait… I started it by asking just that, so it was all my fault! I made a terrible mistake; I dug my own grave! This planet was doing weird things to me. “Um… I find you adorable, like all of your kind. The moment I see you I feel like I should protect you, but I know that you are a grown-up mare and need none of that, but still… I also get the feeling that you are my pet or something, so I get the urge to pet you like if you were my cat or dog… But at the same time, you are kind of intelligent, and one of the most stable ponies that I know. I feel like you are one of the few ponies I can talk to and who can really understand me.” I said, and felt the cheesiness dripping from every word. “Oh, the dangerous beast that would protect me instead of attacking me because he is in love…” She turned slightly around, covering her smile with a hoof and blushing. “That sounds like a cheesy love story for teenagers…” Fun fact, there is a story that is similar to the ‘Twilight’ saga back on Earth, but instead of a vampire, it has a cute little colt who is actually a timberwolf-pony at night and if he refuses to transform, he sparkles in the moonlight. That saga is called ‘Predator’, with a red apple held by two wooden claws in a dark cover and all. Why did I remember that? Because I knew where this conversation was going. “Oh, the predator… but he won’t hurt me…” She made an act of fainting and falling on my lap, her forelegs curling up to her chest in an adorable way. “You wouldn’t bite me or something, would you?” “No… probably not… at least… not too hard. Unless you are into that kind of stuff, and you ask nicely, that is…” If she was going to make me uncomfortable and embarrassed I might as well counterattack. She got up from my lap, smiling cheekily, breaking contact for a moment, then she sat in a more dignified manner and leaned on me. I got my arm around her back and her tail swished trying to get around both of us from behind, but the back of the sofa prevented that. I started to pet her back and she started to muzzle the crook of my neck. When we were both sitting in that position she was as tall as me.