Sunlight streamed in through large stained-glass windows, creating beams of colored light that recombined into a gentle ambiance that filled the courtroom. Princess Celestia sat upon her throne, looking out over the line of ponies that had come to court, most (if not all) were nobles. The room was silent save for the noble standing at the dais petitioning. On the surface, he was lobbying for some cause or project that needed funding, but in reality, he, and all the other nobles, were after a different objective.
Her.
Today was Hearts and Hooves Day, and it had become something of a tradition to try and woo Celestia on this day. In the past it was merely asking for her hoof for a day, and should she have no problem with the pony in question, she may have spent the day with them and that would’ve been it. A nice, calm day spent with another pony, and no responsibilities until morn.
But the game had grown more complex since then.
Dating the Princess brought a certain amount of prestige, so naturally nobles clambered over each other to be the chosen one for the year. It was problematic, but Celestia had been able to deal with it. But the game evolved even further than that. Every noble here had one objective:
To get Princess Celestia to be the one to ask them on a date.
If getting to date the princess had been worth some prestige, then being asked out by her was worth leagues more.
Once upon a time, Celestia’s Hearts and Hooves Days had been little breaks she could spend with her little ponies, but for the last many years, they had been filled with sitting on her throne for hours on end listening to blatant bootlicking and sycophantism, all in an attempt to draw her interest.
Her Hearts and Hooves Days were very dull now.
It’s not that she minded going on one-off dates with them, even if it did stoke their egos… a lot, but she knew that it would only cause headaches if she were to be the one to ask, regardless of who she asked. So, all she could do was sit in silence as the pony in front of her fervently attempted to curry favor with her, hoping that something would happen to make today interesting.
Suddenly, shouting could be heard from the other side of the courtroom door. As it grew louder and louder, it drew more attention from the nobles in line, until even the petitioning pony stopped talking to turn and glare at the door in annoyance. Eventually it grew silent. However, as the noble turned back to start talking again…
*BAM!*
The doors were flung open wide, revealing a tall figure. Parody strode forward, one of the door guards wrapped around his waist in an attempt to stop him, the other merely facehoofing. After clearing most of the courtroom, Parody stopped and struck a pose, pointing forward.
“Celetsia! Go on a date with me!”
… Eh, it’s better than nothing.
The noble at the dais scowled, “How dare you address the princess in such an informal manner.” He scoffed, “Besides, the princess would hardly deign fit to date beast such as yours-”
“Sure, why not?” Giving a slight shrug, Celestia rose from her throne.
“WHAT?!” Came the cry of most of the line.
“Well, he’s the first person to ask me on a date today, and I’m not opposed to it.” Celestia gave the line of nobles a slight stare, “Surely I’m allowed to take part in todays festivities if I should so please?”
That got them. They couldn’t say ‘no,’ since that was the whole reason they were here.
The noble at the dais scowled for a moment, before turning back to her with the most charming grin he could muster. It was incredibly forced. “Then surely I would be better than the likes of that.” He lifted out his hoof in an invitation. “Princess, would you go on a date with me?” He must have been trying to salvage the situation, thinking that if he couldn’t get Princess Celestia as ask him out, he could at least pull her away from Parody.
But Celestia wasn’t going to let that slide.
She frowned slightly, an expression that sent chills down the spines of the whole line. “That hurts. Do you really think I’m so loose a mare that I’d cast aside my date for another stallion after I’ve already agreed to go out with them?”
That sent him scrambling. He bowed low and attempted to run damage control. “N-no, of course not, I’m sorry for even insinuating such a thing. But, do you really intend to go out with this monke-” He turned to point at Parody, only to realize that the human in question was standing right next to him, crouched low to make eye contact. “Gah?!”
“Monkey, huh?” Parody pulled a banana out from under his cape. Moving slow, he peeled the banana and began eating it, gradually returning to his full height while doing so, never breaking eye contact.
After Parody was halfway through the banana, Celestia spoke up. “Parody, what are you doing?”
“Asserting dominance.”
After finishing the banana, Parody held the peel out to the noble. “Hey, throw this away for me.”
The noble scowled, “And what authority do you have to order me around?”
Parody flashed a grin while making a sideways ‘V’ next to his eye, “My authority as Celestia’s date for the day.”
The noble’s face scrunched up, cheeks puffed out, holding back tears of frustration like a child on the verge of a tantrum. After quivering in place for a moment, the noble snatched the banana peel away and stormed out of the room.
Parody shot Celestia a grin. “Ha! This is fun.”
She shook her head, “Parody, play nice.”
“Make me.”
Celestia quirked her brow.
Parody backed off immediately, “Point taken. Consider me made.”
Celestia stepped down form the dais as the rest of the line began to grumble and disperse. “So, I take it that since you came all this way to Canterlot to invite me on a date, you have some kind of plan?” They began to walk out of the courtroom.
“Not at all!” Parody declared loudly. “Kinda decided this on a whim.”
Celestia giggled, “You invited one of the diarchs of Equestia on a date, on a whim?”
He shrugged in response, “Yeah, why not?”
“Why not indeed,” Celestia smiled gently, “Were it not for the endless stream of headaches it would cause, I’d wish more ponies would act on whims as you do. Day to day life would certainly be more interesting.”
“Hold on. You think I’m a headache?”
“Aren’t you? Twilight certainly thinks so.”
“What? Princess Twilight thinks I’m a headache?” Parody looked appalled, but the mirth in his eyes let her know he was just playing around. “No way. Why would she think that?”
“Why do you call her Princess Twilight?”
“’Cause it annoys her”
“Why do you call me Celestia?”
“’Cause it annoys everyone else.”
“And you wonder why you’re a headache.”
Parody smirked as he gave an exaggerated shrug, “I just don’t get it.”
Smiling, Celestia turned to walk out the castle’s doors.
“Oh, before we go, think you could do something ‘bout this guy?” Parody patted the hooves of the door guard still wrapped around his waist. “Kinda making it hard to breathe.”
Celestia turned to look at Parody and sure enough, one of her guard ponies still had his hooves wrapped around Parody to slow him down. “… At ease, Corporal. Return to your post.”
“Yes, Princess.” Letting go of Parody, the guard gave her a crisp salute before turning around and walking down the hall as if nothing happened.
Parody shot a glance over his shoulder before following Celestia outside into the light of day. “Hmph. Real loyal.”
“Of course. They’re my royal guard, they have to be.”
The two of them strolled through the streets on Canterlot in companiable silence for a few minutes.
Glancing around the city, Celestia let out a soft sigh. “You may not know this, but it’s been many years since the last time anyone has asked me out for a Hearts and Hooves Day date.”
“Oh yeah? How’d that last one go?”
“It was a little colt, years ago.”
Parody’s mouth curved into a wicked smirk, “Wow, I-”
Celestia’s horn lit up, using magic to clamp Parody’s mouth shut so as to cut off any crass remarks. “He was sad that he couldn’t play with his friend because she was sick, so he gave me some flowers and asked me to play in the park with him.” The light around her horn faded as she released Parody.
Parody held up his hands in mock surrender, “Alright, alright. That’s pretty cute. So, how’s he doing now?”
“Happily married, last I checked.”
“To the friend?”
Celestia nodded, before smiling mischievously, “You should have seen the look on her face when I not only attended their wedding, but introduced myself as his ex.”
Parody sputtered a moment before throwing his head back with a wild cackle. “Oh man! I’d’ve loved to see that!”
Celestia laughed alongside him. “It was pretty funny. They took it in stride once I told them what actually happened, but I suppose it makes for quite the story to tell friends and family. Not many ponies can claim that a princess is their ex.”
“Aw, you told them? That ruins the joke.”
Celestia gave him a look. “But if I hadn’t, it could have ruined their relationship.
Parody nodded his head from side to side in thought. “… I guess.”
Celestia paused. “You would ruin someone’s relationship for a joke?”
“I’d die for a joke if I thought it was funny enough.”
Celestia blinked. His response was immediate, his tone flat, and his expression serious. The man in front of her truly would die for a joke, even if he could only laugh from beyond the grave. She shook her head lightly, “I know there are those who would make great sacrifices for their passions, but I’m unsure if I should applaud or scorn that level of commitment.”
Parody shrugged, “I get that a lot.”
Celestia couldn’t help but wonder what exactly a joke worth dying for would be like, not that she could come up with an answer. She just couldn’t think of any way to make dying funny. She supposed Parody couldn’t either, or else he wouldn’t be walking next to her having this conversation.
Shaking her head, Celestia decided to stop thinking about it and changed the topic, “Either way, I told them the truth, and those two are happily married. I even get to attend their family reunions.”
“Oh, that’s nice.”
“It is, they’re a rather warm family.” Celestia smiled wistfully, “I wonder if I’ll ever get that someday.”
Parody held up his hands, “Sorry, but I’m not looking to make any commitments.”
Celestia shrugged, “That’s fine. You’re not really my type anyway.”
“Really?”
“I prefer someone who’s easier to tease.”
“Easier?” Parody looked almost offended, “That implies that you can tease me at all.”
Celestia could feel her mouth pull up into a slight smirk, “Can’t I?”
Parody was silent for a minute, before shrugging.
Celestia turned her gaze back to Parody, “So, what now? You mentioned you don’t have any plans, but surely you have some ideas.”
“Eh, not really. Figured we’d just wing it. Take it as it comes.”
“So, we’re just going to walk around in silence until something catches our eye?” Celestia gave small shrug, “Well, I suppose I have been on worse dates.”
Parody rolled his eyes, “Alright, fine. We’ll try going traditional. Let’s start with lunch. Know any good places?”
Celestia gave him a knowing smile, “What, you’re not going to bring me to a restaurant on your own?”
“Yeah right. I don’t know this place. I was only in Canterlot for a week, and I spent half that tied up in your closet.”
“Yes, but that was your own fault. Do you have any idea how worried Twilight was when she couldn’t find you for three days?”
Parody laughed, “Worried enough to make me move to Ponyville. Where I immediately got lost for five.”
Celestia wore an amused grin. “Yes, she told me she found you dangling upside down from the ceiling of a part of her basement that she was unaware existed.”
Parody gave and exaggerated shrug, “What can I say? I’m nosy. Pinkie was happy at least. She got to throw me three parties: the first ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ surprise party; the ‘Oh No, Where’d Parody Go?’ search party; and the second ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ surprise party two weeks after all that. I’m honestly surprised she had the patience to wait until I’d forgotten about everything.”
“So surprised you punched her in the face?”
“Oh, don’t you start too.”
“… Speaking of nosy, you never did tell me what it was you were doing that resulted in you being tied and gagged in a pile of my old dresses.”
Parody smirked, “And I still won’t. So, about that recommendation…”