//------------------------------// // Baby Don't Hurt Me // Story: How the Tantabus Parses Sleep // by Rambling Writer //------------------------------// What, exactly, was the point of a birthday? Moondog had asked herself that question many times and still didn’t have an answer. It meant you were a year older. So what? Celestia had twirled the sun around Equus this many times, which meant… But for some reason, so many countries put so much stock on age — and not just definitively different stages like “adulthood” or “adolescence”, but specific ages like “eighteen years” or “thirty-six moons” that weren’t all that different from “nineteen years” or “thirty-seven moons”. Why why why? And Moondog herself was only two-ish years old and next in line for one of Equestria’s thrones, throwing that system for a loop so big you could stick it on a roller coaster. Still, birthdays meant something to ponies, and a certain somepony’s birthday was coming up. Moondog might as well indulge her, if only to make her feel happy. It was raining in Meadow’s dream, but in spite of the puddles on the streets, the rain never actually reached the ground and instead vanished about a story up. Meadow was walking to nowhere in particular as she pushed through the blurry crowd, apparently deep in thought. Or maybe just not lucid yet. self.inhabit(puddle); Moondog slipped into a patch of water just behind Meadow and pulled herself into a vaguely alicorny shape; Meadow didn’t notice until Moondog tapped her on the shoulder and soaked her coat. She turned around to say something, only to stop when she saw who it was. “Boo,” Moondog said, solidifying. The clearest sign Meadow was obviously fairly used to dream logic: she only flinched a little. “Um, hey,” she said, turning around. “What’re you doing here?” “Nothing, just wanted to wish you a happy birthday,” Moondog replied. “So: happy Sweet Sixteen! Can you believe it? Only two more years and you can join the rest of the adults who are silently freaking out!” “Yeah. Sure.” Meadow stared at Moondog as she nodded. Great. Moondog wondered if she’d come on too hard with the creeping existential dread played for laughs. Maybe she could salvage it. “Don’t worry about it too much, though. It’ll take a while. After all, it’s like a lifetime to me!” “Right.” Nod. “Um. Thanks for the birthday wish, but, um, I’m. Kinda busy at the moment.” So there was nothing wrong with jokes about creeping existential dread. Perfect. “Need my help with de-stressing?” “No.” Pause. “Yes.” Pause. “No. No, I, I got it.” “You’re sure? This is my job, after all.” “Yes.” Pause. “No.” Pause. “Yes, I’m sure.” Meadow’s voice was slowly picking up speed. “I mean I’m sure I don’t need your help and I can handle it.” --Error; PoniesException e “But…” Meadow rubbed the back of her neck. “Really, thanks for this, but, but I think I need to be alone right now. It’s complicated.” “Well…” Moondog hesitantly pulled open a hole in space. “If you’re sure…” She put a leg through. “Wait!” Meadow said suddenly. “Maybe you can help. There’s, uh, there’s something you should know.” Moondog couldn’t even be annoyed if it meant she got to help somepony. She zipped the dream portal back up and tossed it away. “Yeah?” “Well, it’s…” Meadow flicked her tail and looked away. “You’re… neat. Like, really neat. I mean, you’re… you.” “I know, right?” Moondog grinned, flared her wings, and struck a suitably impressive pose. “A one-of-a-kind Princess Luna original, baby.” “Heh. Yeah. And you’re… nice. You’re practically a princess but you still- You saved me from a coma and took the time to teach me dream magic. Like, me, personally, because you, you liked me. You, you just stopped by to wish me a happy birthday just because. You’re still hanging around and listening to me. But…” Meadow kneaded her hooves and tried to look Moondog in the eye. “It’s… I… I think…” “If there’s something wrong with me, I won’t take it personally. C’mon.” “It’s, it’s not that. I…” Meadow swallowed. “I have a crush on you.” “Oh.” Moondog tilted her head. “Huh.” “Yeah.” Meadow looked at Moondog. Moondog looked at Meadow. --Error; WaitWhatException e --Error; ThoughtBufferOverflowException e --Error; ThoughtBufferOverflowException e self.activatePanicMode(); “Um, uh…” said Moondog nervously. “I, I gotta be…” She shakily pointed over her shoulder. “…elsewhere some. B-busy night.” dreamer.allowLucidity(FALSE); --Error; ObjectOutOfBoundsException e self.setLocation(NOT self.getLocation()); “Momwhatdoyoudowithsuitors?” “Who is it?” “Whatdoyoumean?” Mom raised an eyebrow. “Moonlit Meadow,” admitted Moondog. “And-” “How long have you known?” “Erm.” Moondog flexed her wings. “Two minutes and five idle thoughts. About.” Mom blinked twice at that and took a step back. “Two-” Her eyes narrowed and she frowned. “Did she confess this to you, prompting you to flee at the earliest opportunity?” “No!” Mom glared impassively as only moms can. “Yes.” Moondog nearly wilted. “But I mean-” She flapped her wings vigorously, hovering in the air in front of Mom. “I, I, I don’t know anything! Love is- It’s all- I don’t-” “Ai yai yai.” Mom planted her face in her hoof and dragged it down. “I shudder to ponder the state of Equestria’s dreams in the coming days if this is what makes you panic.” “I’ll be the Princess of Dreams, not Love!” Moondog yelled. “If I told Cadance that she was responsible for dreams starting now, I bet she’d-” She snapped her mouth shut and wrung her mane. Staring downwards, she muttered, “Look, I- I know I… didn’t handle it the best. But love is a big deal, and I literally don’t know anything about it, and it’s not like you told me anything, and wow I’m sorry that came out so wrong, and-” “Well.” Mom exhaled through her muzzle. “I- admit that… your love life has never been in my considerations since you awoke. It is certainly possible that I merely thought you would never interact with a single pony long enough for it to become an issue, but I do not give myself that much credit, nor does it excuse my neglect.” She shook her head. “And for the issue to be broached like this…” self.wrestle(self.getEmotionalState()); --Error; ObjectOutOfBoundsException e “Mom,” said Moondog quietly, “I really, really need your help on this. I…” “Indeed. Did Meadow say she loved you or merely that she had a crush on you?” “The second.” “Ah. Very good. At least she recognizes it as such.” Mom frowned. “Hmm. I shall need some time to think this over. Can you leave me be for an hour?” “Um. Sure.” Moondog’s tail twitched. Why did she have to wait now? “Do I need to do something? Like, talk to Meadow, or…?” “While certainly a good idea, I shan’t say you must. Perhaps you want to think it over yourself before you see Meadow. Perhaps you merely want to clear the air after…” Mom was just a shade away from smirking. “…fleeing the conversation entirely.” Moondog rolled her eyes. “MOOOoooooooom…” But it was a good idea and she would have to go back sooner or later. Might as well do it now. “Well, you’re a huge wuss,” snorted Meadow. “I panicked! What was I supposed to do?” “Not immediately run away? And are you a stallion now in the hopes that I’m just into mares?” Moondog flexed his wings. “No.” “Because I’m into stallions normally. It’s just you.” “Oh.” Cough. The beard tickled. “Um. Sorry for, uh, running away anyway.” “Yeah.” Silence. “Look, uh,” said Meadow, alternately looking Moondog in the eye and looking at the ground. “I, I’m sorry for putting you on the spot like- like that, but- it had to come out sooner or later, right?” She sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than Moondog. “I- I’m a teen and- we’re- not the greatest at keeping secrets and you- go through my head every night and-” She blanched, turning white completely and utterly from head to hoof. “I, I mean, not- in a- privacy-breaking way or anything, just- y’know- and you would’ve-” “No, I, I get it,” said Moondog. Kinda. Sorta. It was easy to keep secrets when ninety-nine percent of the people you could tell a secret to wouldn’t remember it in an hour. And secret-keeping had been a major part of your construction. Moondog could only shudder to think about how ponies dealt with secrets; imagine wanting to tell someone something that needed to be kept private specifically because the something needed to be kept private. “I mean, uh. You and me and- dreams. And all. There’s no other way it could’ve come out, right?” “Right. Yeah. Totally.” But Moondog suspected that Meadow was nodding so quickly because she wanted that to be true rather than because she thought it was true. The two of them stared at each other, silence hanging over them like a flock of vultures. (Moondog glanced up. No vultures.) Moondog definitely didn’t know what to do. He barely knew what love was. Oh, sure, good dreams for a lot of ponies had them pining after somepony else (with varying degrees of healthiness), but that didn’t mean he knew love any more than looking at a Van Gallop masterpiece meant he knew how to paint. What was he supposed to do? Reciprocate? Turn Meadow down? Ignore her until she stopped being attracted to him? And once he picked one of those, what then? Moondog simply didn’t know. From the look on her face, Meadow, didn’t, either. silence.break(); Finally, Moondog coughed. “So, uh. Yeah.” “Yeah,” said Meadow. “Definitely.” “You wanna, um, talk with our parents — I, I mean, you with yours, me with mine, not- you know — talk with them about this, come back here tomorrow, and- see where we go from there?” “Um.” Meadow shifted her weight around and looked away. “Sure, I- I guess.” Moondog nodded mechanically. “Good. Um. S-see you around, then?” He hesitantly saluted with a wing. “Sure. Yeah.” “Okay. Um. Bye.” “Bye.” Moondog had never imagined leaving a dream without doing anything could be such a relief. “Momwhatdoyoudowithsuitors?” Mom pulled the silver lining off a cloud and began unweaving it. “That depends on the suitor,” she said without looking away. “The best way to learn how to deal with them is… to deal with them and see how different personality types react.” Stupid reality and its stupid experiences that required you to make stupid mistakes. “And, and you’ve had a lot of suitors to learn on- or, I mean, with, right?” “Countless. It is rare a week goes by without some besotted, perhaps self-centered noble proclaiming that we are obviously meant for each other and ought to wed. Most of the time, I ignore them. A few may attempt to follow up, but often not for very long. If the letters continue, I tell them I am not interested.” “But…” Moondog kneaded the floor beneath his hooves. “How, how many of them do you know? Like, know know, not just look at the name and go, ‘oh, he’s the Duke of So-and-So’.” “That duchy is pronounced Sault-et-Sueur, but… yes, that is quite the disparity between our states of affairs.” Mom was silent for several long moments as she completed her unwinding of the silver lining and began weaving it into something else. Moondog opened his mouth and closed it again when he realized he didn’t have anything to say. He kneaded the floor again. Finally, Mom spoke again. “There have been some who I know know who have fallen for me, but even with that, our situations are quite different. You are not as…” She looked Moondog up and down. “…regal as I. No, that is not a criticism, and should you choose to keep that bearing when I abdicate, I shall have no complaints so long as you take care of dreams. But you may seem more… attainable to ponies than I do. I am positive that, for every pony who writes me a letter, there are dozens who see me as something unreachable and never bother. You are, by your very nature, far more personable.” Moondog swallowed. “Oh.” So it was his own fault. Swell. “However,” Mom continued, “that may be a blessing. Meadow seems mature enough to take it if you turn her down gently.” “What?” Moondog yelled. “Just- tell her I don’t love her, just like that?” “Do you love her?” “Well, I- No, but-” “Then yes, if perhaps not in those exact words.” Mom didn’t even look up. “Leading a suitor on with lies never ends well.” Her wings tightened slightly. “Never.” “But…” Moondog wrung his hooves. “I… I don’t want to let Meadow down-” “Then tell her the truth,” declared Mom. She finally looked at Moondog. “You will not hurt her by doing so. You are not remotely obligated by whatever her feelings may be. If you falsely return her affections and she discovers the truth, what do you think will happen?” “Uh…” Even Moondog didn’t need to think long about that. “Bad things. Probably the end of our friendship. Awkwardness if I ever had to improve her dream again in the future. The apocalypse, etymologically speaking.” “An apocalypse,” Mom said. “Do not blow this out of proportion. But you see?” Moondog nodded slowly. “Yeah. Unfortunately.” “I wish I could give you more help, truly,” said Mom. “But it is only rarely that a pony as close to me as Meadow is to you has developed those sorts of feelings for me, and certainly never when the other is but a teenager.” “Okay. Um.” Moondog rustled his wings and looked away. “Maybe I should talk to Aunt Celly, then? Do you know what her love life is like?” “I do not at the moment, but asking her advice certainly could not hurt.” Because as great as Mom was, Aunt Celly had been Equestria for far longer and her reputation was a heck of a lot shinier. There weren’t stories about Mom the same way there were about Aunt Celly. She was the ideal, practically divine. She probably got at least three or four letters from lovestruck paramours every single day, almost definitely more. She had to have some clever system for handling the postal and emotional baggage both. “I just fill out a form letter and send it off,” said Aunt Celly. “It’s why I invented them, after all.” “Uh… sorry?” One of Moondog’s ears went down. Aunt Celly wiggled more deeply into her beanbag chair with impossible dignity. “When you’re the Haytonic ideal of grace and beauty to countless ponies for centuries on end, constantly writing out responses to your admirers can get a bit repetitive. I’ve developed a few spells to automate the responses to the most common proposals. I can even alter the tone depending on the sort of message I want to send. And I have lots of different forms, so it’s not like-” Moondog rubbed his forehead. “Aunt Celly,” he said, his voice strained, “I don’t have enough propositions to need form letters.” “You asked for my help and it’s what I do,” Aunt Celly said, half-defensively. “I could give you the basic one and you can work from there.” She closed her eyes and hmmed. “How do I describe it…” s = new Scroll(); s.setContents(dreamer.getThoughts()); Nothing unrolled into a scroll in front of Aunt Celly’s face. She quickly snatched it and read it over, her eyes skimming it like a stone on a pond. “Yes,” she said, nodding, “this is the template.” She passed the paper over to Moondog. Dear [Pony Name Here], I am ▢ entranced / ▢ flattered / ▢ unswayed / ▢ vexed / ▢ horrified and disgusted by your (▢ offer of) ▢ odes and poems / ▢ gifts / ▢ land / ▢ vassalage / ▢ wealth / ▢ countless equine sacrifices in my name. ▢ Unfortunately / ▢ Therefore / ▢ As such, in light of ▢ our respective positions in Equestria / ▢ the current political climate / ▢ my own personal feelings / ▢ your previous such attempts / ▢ this depraved, heinous act against the dignity of living beings of all kinds, I must inform you that ▢ as a busy mare, I cannot in good faith accept them / ▢ your persistence in your fruitless attempts to woo me has become grating / ▢ I have already made my decision concerning the treaty / ▢ I’m coming for you, you deplorable aberration. ▢ I would welcome more correspondence in the future as friends, if you would accept it. / ▢ Cease your “courtship” immediately. You are not entitled to me. / ▢ Your attempts to get on my good side for politicking are even more transparent than glass. / ▢ Pray. Princess Celestia of ▢ Equestria / ▢ the Cleansing Flame of the Infinite Moondog gave Aunt Celly a Look. “There was a time, back in the 700’s,” Aunt Celly replied, “when a necromantic cult sprang up around me, in spite of my best efforts. They were…” She shuddered. “…quite taken with me and wrote me so many letters. I had to update the spell. And remember, this is one of the simpler ones. I could-” “No.” Moondog tossed the scroll aside. “I really need something more personal. What did you do with your first suitor?” Aunt Celly went silent and stayed that way for a rather long time. “Well,” she said, “considering I loved him back and he was of age, we did the normal thing between two adults and-” “Nope.” He clamped his wings tightly to his sides. “Never mind.” “I agree, I don’t think you want to commit to marriage so quickly.” Moondog squinted at Celestia suspiciously. She looked innocently back. innocentAct.isLie(); return: --Error; ObjectOutOfBoundsException e Whether Aunt Celly was faking it or not, this was getting nowhere. She and Mom were too… big to give him any help. He needed somepony different to talk to. Somepony who was a princess but hadn’t been around for millennia. Somepony smart, bright, intelligent. Somepony who could relate to him. Somepony who knew what she was talking about with regard to interpersonal relationships. Somepony who’d been alicorned specifically for this sort of thing. “Twilight, I need help with love.” “And you came to me for it?” “…Right. Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. Sorry for wasting your time.” Cadance cocked her head at Moondog. “And you didn’t come to me first because…?” Moondog swallowed. “Because I was a stupid, panicky idiot and don’t know you as well as I do the other princesses?” “…Yes, that sounds about right. And to be fair, it happens with a lot of people.” “Which one?” “Both, believe it or not.” Cadance looked off into the distance for a moment, then shook her head and said, “Can you change the dream to… a cafe? It’ll help me think.” Moondog would be willing to real-world cater the Crystal Palace for a week if it meant getting Cadance’s help. Cafes were easy. A little twist, and they were sitting at an outdoor cafe table just a few blocks from the Crystal Palace. Moondog even went to the trouble of populating the street. A crystal pony waitress was already at their table, balancing a tray on one hoof. “Champoney?” she asked cheerfully. “Uh…” Cadance glanced at Moondog, who nodded. “Sure.” The waitress deposited the bottle and two glasses on the table and left. Cadance poured herself a cup, took a sip, then coughed. “That’s actually champoney,” she said, staring at the glass. “Good champoney.” “I’m good with taste,” Moondog said, shrugging. Another sip; Cadance coughed again. “No offense, but could you get me some chocolate milk instead?” She wiggled her glass. “I don’t want to-” glass.setDrink(MILK.Chocolate); “-get drunk in the middle of-” Cadance did a double-take at her glass, then took a brief sip. She nodded. “Mmm. Thank you.” She set the glass down. “So. Your first suitor is a close friend and you don’t know what to do.” “Pretty much, yeah.” “Hmm. And you said she was sixteen?” “Yeah. I guess it could be worse, right?” Purely out of tradition, Moondog downed his glass of champoney. “I mean, better teenage puppy love than adult entitlement.” “Puppies grow up if you let them. Shining and I started with teenage puppy love.” Cadance shook her head. “But it doesn’t always work out and I guess things are a bit strange if one of you is a dream construct.” Another sip of chocolate milk. “Do you have anything specific you’re worried about, or are you just a panicky ball of panic?” “Erm. Mostly the second.” “Understandable.” Cadance tapped the tabletop a few times, staring off into the distance. “You like working with dreams. Have you tried just working to get your mind off this for a while?” Her tone wasn’t condescending, but genuine and questioning, like she was covering all her bases. “I… No. What if I can’t get my mind off it and half of Equestria dreams about Meadow in some way tonight?” Moondog shrugged helplessly. “I really don’t know.” “Hmm. Fair enough.” “I mean, I’ve never even thought about love before, and, and what would that do to me and my job and everything, and what if one gets in the way of the other and I screw up either one and it’ll be bad either way and if it gets really bad and I screw up both-” self.setBabble(0); Moondog snapped his mouth shut. “I just…” he mumbled. “I never thought I’d fall in love.” “And why wouldn’t you fall in love?” asked Cadance. “Well… you know. No hormones or anything.” But that just drew a snort from Cadance. “Last week,” she nearly growled, “one wannabe-smart mare proclaimed she didn’t believe in love because it was just chemical reactions in the brain. I kicked her in the face, then told her I didn’t believe in pain because it was just chemical reactions in the brain. She’s still bruised. And, yes, it was worth it.” A very self-satisfied drink, somehow. “There are plenty of reasons love might not be for you. ‘Just chemical reactions’ is not one of them.” Moondog twitched back an inch. You didn’t think of Cadance, of all ponies, as being vindictive, but if her dominion was belittled, what else was the proper response? Just look at what had happened with Mom, and Moondog knew he wouldn’t be much different if somepony intruded on dreams. “O-okay, so, uh, maybe I’m not that kind of person?” He grinned nervously. “Which exists.” Cadance's voice sounded a lot less like she was about to throttle somepony. “So if you’re not the type to fall in love, tell Meadow that. Just because she likes you doesn’t mean you’re obligated to anything.” “That’s what Mom said.” “And she’s right.” “But-” self.cutOff(); “Actually, can, can we stop for a bit? I need to think.” Moondog was chasing himself in circles worrying, even though he didn’t know what he was worrying about. “Take your time.” Cadance looked at her cup. “I don’t suppose I could get any cookies with this?” Moondog pushed a plate of chocolate chip cookies at Cadance and thought. Okay. Meadow liked him liked him. So what? What was so bad about that? There was nothing wrong with friendship, was there? No? No. Of course not. So what made the possibility of love so terrifying? Cadance and Shining were deeply in love with each other and they were going strong. If he was in love with someone, would Meadow be the worst pony for that someone to be? Stars above, no. Was it his own… method of existence clashing with Meadow’s? Maybe, but it hadn’t gotten in the way of their friendship. Although love was more… intimate than friendship, wasn’t it? (It would help if he knew what, exactly, love was.) Maybe it was the way giving Meadow love meant skimping out on dreams? That could be gotten around, especially if he hired some assistants once Mom abdicated. (Sheesh, he needed to put some serious thought into that…) Or maybe- Back up. Yeah, that was it. “Cadance, I hate to put you on the spot, but… what do you think love is?” “In what context?” The question came out so quickly Moondog was sure it was reflexive. He took a long look at Cadance, who was watching him with bright eyes. She casually put a cookie in her mouth and started chewing. It took Moondog a few moments to find the right phrasing. “What’s the… I don’t know, end goal, maturation, ideal of it all? What’s the point?” Cadance chuckled. “Going straight for the hard questions, are we?” Her mouth was still full of cookie, yet the clarity of her voice had nothing to do with dreams. “I’m clueless. I want to know what it all means.” “Don’t we all.” Another chuckle, then Cadance lapsed into silence, staring at the whorls in the table as she chewed on her cookie. Moondog let her. He recognized that silence; it was the same type of silence as when Mom was deep in thought about something. Cadance was in the zone, and Moondog wasn’t about to knock her out of it, no matter how long it took. Finally, she swallowed and spoke. “True, intimate love is… It’s weighty, not something you can just go out and decide to do on a whim. It’s letting somepony else into you, past… everything. You give them a part of yourself, and they give you a part of themselves. You’re both changed on some unknowable level, shaping and influencing each other without realizing it. And before you know it, the you that lived without them is gone. You don’t think at all before sharing everything with them because they’re not someone else, they’re a part of you. You’re one person, two alone.” “…Love sounds kinda freaky when you put it like that.” “It is, if you think about it for too long. It’s also beautiful. You always have somepony who’s there for you, somepony who you can trust with anything, somepony who makes you grow in ways you couldn’t on your own, somepony who drives you… At its core, love is about joining with somepony else.” Then Cadance looked flatly at Moondog. “It’s about a lot of other things, too, but I’m waking up in a few hours and don’t have time to explain it all.” Which Moondog had expected. “Uh-huh,” he said, nodding. That concept of love, however simplified, flitted through his mind and connected with things he already knew. He still didn’t know what, exactly, he was going to do, but he had an idea and time to refine. The hard part was executing it (as usual). “Thanks,” he said, getting to his feet. “Really. I think I know what I’m going to do.” “And if you need me, I’m available.” Cadance arched her back and stretched her wings. “This has been nice, talking about love like this. At least Twilight can apply her domain while being a princess at the same time. Ponies always get weird when I try to give them relationship advice.” “Sorry I can’t give you any more at the moment. You need anything else?” “No thanks,” Cadance said. She picked up another cookie in her magic. “I’ve got-” Realization hit her like a hurricane and she stared at the cookie. She turned to Moondog and opened her mouth. “Yes,” Moondog sighed, “you can eat all of those you want and not get fat.” “Then maybe I should stop or I’ll ruin my diet.” Cadance examined the cookie like it was a disguised changeling assassin, then nodded. “Yes. I should definitely stop.” The cookie promptly vanished into her mouth. The next night, Moondog went through a few ponies’ dreams before she stopped by Meadow’s. She wasn’t sure she could get straight to the nitty-gritty of things, and even though she needed to do this, she didn’t have to do it immediately, right? But, as was its wont (even in dreams), time slipped away and “in a few hours” soon became “immediately”. Moondog flickered into the dream on top of a snowbound castle, not far from Meadow. After a few moments of working up her nerve (a bit tricky when she didn’t have nerves), she coughed; Meadow glanced towards her. “Hey,” said Moondog, as not-tightly as she could manage (which wasn’t very). “Hey,” said Meadow, a lot more easily. At least someone was relaxed. self.psychUp(); Swallow. Moondog flexed her wings. “Anyway, uh… I’m… flattered, I guess, by you, uh, feeling that way for me, but-” Another swallow. “But I don’t feel that way about you. It’s… For me, we, we’re just friends. Sorry.” She extruded a grin and wondered if she could shut off whatever parts of her were responsible for emotional responses just so she couldn’t feel any awkwardness. “I’m not really that sort of person.” “Yeah, I know,” Meadow said. “If you’re in dreams all the time, you’re probably not really a-” “Wait, just, just like that?” It was the way Meadow said it, casual and easy, that really blindsided Moondog. Seriously, that was all it took? Meadow snorted and rolled her eyes. “Well, yeah, I mean, I- Wait.” She stared at Moondog intently as her mouth slowly slid open. In a low, I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening sort of voice, she said, “Did you think I was expecting you to get together with me?” Blink. Moondog had the distinct feeling she’d made a bit of an oops somewhere down the line. “Well, uh… kinda? When you… put it that way… sorta, I… guess? Maybe?” One of Meadow’s ears drooped. “…It’s just a crush.” All that freaking out for nothing. Moondog rubbed the back of her neck and cringed. “…Yeah…” “…” “…” “…” “…I’m new at this, okay?!” “So am I, but I didn’t freak out like you did! I was just telling you that so you’d know what I was feeling!” “It would’ve been nice to know that!” “I thought-” Meadow snapped her mouth shut and stared off into the distance at nothing. She flicked her tail, then looked at Moondog again. “Sweet Celestia, we’re stupid,” she said flatly. “…Pretty much, yeah,” Moondog said, shrugging. Moondog looked at Meadow. Meadow looked at Moondog. The two of them collapsed into the giggles of released tension; nothing was really all that funny, but clearing the air was such a relief that it was all they could manage. Moondog’s back legs even gave out and she dropped onto her rump. “Oh, Mom,” she snickered, her head in a hoof, “how can I spend all my time in ponies’ heads and still be so clueless?” “Because… heh… ’cause you never see what it’s like on the outside.” Grinning, Meadow slouched against an invisible wall. “Do you ever talk to ponies without a cheat sheet to their emotions?” A few last chuckles escaped Moondog. “Well, I mean, sometimes. Not usually. But!” She raised a hoof declaratively. “Unlike Twilight, I have an excuse for my lack of social skills!” Meadow’s ears twitched and she fell over as she lost focus. “Wait, the Princess of Friendship doesn’t have any social skills?” “Not no social skills, but less than you’d think. She’s a huge nerd.” “You say that like it’s a bad thing, dreamnerd.” dreamer.hasPoint(); return: TRUE “Anyway, uh…” Meadow got back to her feet and rubbed her mane down. “There’s something you should probably know. I talked with Mom a bit, and she said this is normal. The, uh, celebrity crush thing. When she was about my age, she thought she was in love with Precedent Order — Blueblood’s dad, you know — for like a moon. Then she just kinda…” She waved a hoof off at nothing. “…got over him.” Moondog cocked her head. “What, just like that?” “Pretty much, yeah.” Meadow nodded. “I even asked her if she had any, like, epiphany or anything, and she said, no, she just stopped obsessing over him.” She shrugged helplessly. “Sorry.” “Oh. Huh.” “And I’m kinda feeling like that already, because you running like a ninny kinda made me realize you’re not as awesome as I thought you were.” “Hey!” Moondog bristled, flaring her wings. “I mean, that still makes you pretty awesome, but… dude. Come on.” Meadow giggled. “…Yeah. Okay.” “Anyway, um, I, I’m still… crushing on you-” Meadow’s cheeks reddened and her ears went back. “-but I… guess I’ll maybe get over it at some point, I just don’t know when. And if you want to stay away until then, I, I get it. Sorry I, uh, put you on the spot like this.” “Heh. Honestly?” Moondog quirked a grin. “It might be for the best. I’m hiding behind Mom all this time and letting her handle all the social stuff, but once she retires, it’ll be my job, and… Let’s just say better me freaking out now instead of then, right?” “Oh, wow.” Meadow chuckled. “I can’t imagine.” “Anyway, um, glad we could… get this sorted out, I guess. I don’t know what I’ll do, but…” Moondog shook her head. “I don’t know, I’ll figure it out. Be seeing you.” “Uh-huh. Yeah. See you.” And so, Moondog slipped out of the dream, quiet as a whisper. Her emotions were still a bit of a mess, but now that mess had some form of organization. Where to go from here? She wasn’t supposed to make ponies feel things like that, just hang out in the background. And while Meadow was taking being turned down well enough, Moondog had no way of knowing what would happen… tomorrow, even. Was she supposed to just leave it alone? The feeling was alien. Leaving something alone was antithetical to her whole point. To her, mental things were meant to be poked and coaxed into something nice. Going by what Cadance had said, though, turning the idea of being crushed on nice would require actual romance and reciprocation, and Moondog suspected Mom might not appreciate her taking a year or so off to force herself to fall in love. She didn’t have that sort of time, not even with dream time dilation. Well, what sort of spontaneously self-aware automaton would she be if she wasn’t paradoxical every now and then? A pretty bad one, or at least a very predictable one. (Horror of horrors, that might mean the Eschaton was something resembling correct!) So she did her best to push the idea to the back of her mind as she resumed her dream duties. It kept jostling for position and trying to come back to the front, but the ponderings of her occupation were strong and beat it back down. It wasn’t long before the idea was banished almost completely. Several flights of fancy and one plod of plainness later, though, the idea came back, and in a much more sinister way. Once she became princess and had more publicity, this might be a more common occurrence. “—---,” Moondog cursed under her breath. “Language!” Cheerilee’s voice rang out from her armor.