Fluttershy, Royal Game Warden (?)

by JimmySlimmy


You Remember The Previous Chapter's Title? Yeah, Oops.

THUD-THUD-THUD”

Fluttershy’s door reverberated with heavy knocks. At eleven-thirty in the morning, that would be Rainbow Dash hiding from her work supervisor. At nine-thirty at night, that would be a certain stallion coming for a surprising but very welcome visit.

At five-thirty in the morning, that probably meant somepony had a dying animal.

Fluttershy took a moment to clear the sleep from her eyes before fixing her face in the appropriate look of concerned compassion. It didn’t exactly embolden confidence in a desperate pet owner to be met with a dreary faced pegasus with truly prodigious bags beneath her eyes, and thus it was only after a quick peek in a mirror to confirm her appearance did she throw open the door to meet her patient.

“Please list the symptoms in order of severity that you’ve noticed in your – griffon?” She looked up from her clipboard. Rather than the weepy-eyed pony she expected to find, Fluttershy’s welcome mat was currently occupied by an immaculately groomed and impressively plumed elderly griffon adorned in fine, if dour, clothes and Wellington boots. Judging by the obvious wealth and distance traveled, Fluttershy braced herself for something exotic. Her money, insofar as she had any at this moment, was on manti-cheetah. “Uh, do note that I charge a, um, little extra for pets with special needs, like bulk fresh meat.” She gave another look at the outfit. That much black could suggest a were-parrot as well; they were quite fashionable right now. “Or voodoo talismans.”

The griffon gave a quizzical look, “Er, sorry, I think I may have the wrong cottage. Could you point me towards one –” He retrieved a folded piece of paper from a vest pocket, unfolding it to reveal an embossed blue crescent moon. “– Mistress Fluttershy of Ponyville?”

“You have the right home. I’m sorry, I don’t really understand what the issue could–” She realized her mistake. “Oh! Um, sorry. I gave you the speech for vet services. Adoptions start at seven, although I suppose I could make an exception since you are already here.”

The griffon shook his head. “No, no, the mistake is all mine! I didn’t realize you also practiced as a veterinarian, although I suppose it makes sense you would need to supplement your income considering the diet of your nobility. No, I have no ill pets for you to tend to, nor am I here for to acquire any. Instead, I will be needing your primary services. Now, as we ought to start whilst the sun is still rising, would you care to fetch a pair of boar spears, as well as something for yourself, of course. Oh, and a few snares, if you would? Might as well set a few traps while we are stalking.”

“Uh, I, er…Could I, um, see that letter?”

The griffon handed it over. “You may, although I assure you your concerns about my qualifications are unnecessary.”

Fluttershy started to read the page.

From the Desk of Her Imperial Majesty Celestia Luna

Ouch. They hadn’t even given Luna her own letterhead yet?

To the RH Ambassador Ingvar of House Välfjädrad, representative of the polity of Värend, including therein the hundreds of Northern –“

She skipped ahead a few paragraphs.

in service to HRH King Ongentheow IX of –

A little farther.

while we are unable to fulfill your request for a palace butchery, please note that the hunting grounds of the crown and the Gamekeepers thereof, are available for your services. The nearest to Canterlot would be one Fluttershy of Ponyville, keeper of –

“Wait, what?”

Fluttershy of Ponyville, keeper of the Crown Lands of the Two Sisters. If you should find yourself unable to locate her, please consult with the HRH Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Harmony Friendship Learning Ponyville, for help finding the residence of her appointed warden. Any services required–

Skipping the rest of the pleasantries, she checked the signature at the bottom.

HRH Luna.

Fluttershy noticed that Luna’s signature was in a wildly different script than the rest of the letter, which was odd, considering it was supposedly written by her. It also seemed to be bracketed by patches of drool stains, which, along with the content of the letter, gave her a more than sneaking suspicion that she hadn’t written the letter at all. Fluttershy hadn’t seen Luna tremendously often, but she had seen her enough to hope that Luna wouldn’t just assume that Fluttershy regularly led hunting expeditions for crown guests, regardless of what position she may be occupying in the government payroll.

The letter also meant that when Twilight told her those checks in the mail were just a government pension she was, as usual, an enormous fucking liar. It’s a good thing she wasn’t Honesty.

Fluttershy smiled sweetly at the noblegriffon as she handed the letter back. “Of course. Please excuse me, I must meet with my beloved liege first to clarify some particulars of my responsibilities. Do you mind?”


Rap-rap-rap”

Twilight Sparkle, hero of Equestria, failed to rouse from the pile of books on her desk.

Fluttershy looked back down at the griffon, who was growing increasingly impatient with Fluttershy’s attempts to awaken Twilight by knocking on her bedroom window. “I say! Do you usually contact your nobility by means of window? It’s quite irregular, you know.”

Fluttershy weakly smiled. “Oh, you know, just something of a joke between the princess and I. We go way back, you see, just a bunch of old chums.” She almost managed to get that last part out without clenching her teeth. She raised her hoof for another round of rapping only to have the window pulled open before her blow, revealing a very pissed little dragon.

“For the goddesses’ sake Rainbow Dash, we have a door you kno – Whoa!” Spike recoiled in shock, clearly not expecting this pegasus at the window. “Wow, that’s unexpected. What did Twilight do this time?”

“Well, Twilight told me she could get me some money with a government paycheck, which she did, but now somebody has shown up at my door –”

Spike had already started walking away from the window. “Right, for a hunt. Is it Luna, or is it somepony else?”

“Er, it’s a griffon.”

Spike had made it back to Twilight’s desk. He lifted one of her limp wings and began rifling through a drawer. “You’ll want letter thirty nine, then. Gimme a sec, I gotta find it first.”

“Twilight has letters written for all her contingencies?”

Spike lifted a letter out of the drawer. “Duh. She’s got hundreds of these. She always tries to keep some of them around just in case one of us has to fix something she messed up if she’s not around.” He paused. “Or dead.” He gave Twilight a cursory poke. “Phew, she’s still warm. We’re good.” He walked back to the window.

Fluttershy looked back at the griffon, who was checking his pocket watch with alarming regularity. “Spike, I’m not sure I really have time to read a letter right now. Can you, um, give me the short version?”

Spike took a quick glance at the letter, eyes scanning from side to side. “Yeah. Apparently, you should just convince whoever the crown sent you that there has been some kind of mistake. You didn’t talk to the griffon already, did you.?”

“Uh, I might have told him we could, uh, go hunting already.”

Spike winced a little. “Ouch, yeah, that’s not good. You’re going to need some truly impressive lying to get yourself out of that hole, which, no offense, isn’t your strong suit. Try Rarity.”

“I guess I’ll stop by there next.” Fluttershy peered around Spike. “Is Twilight, um, OK? She doesn’t seem to be waking up. Or breathing much, really.”

Spike offered her the letter. “Oh, she’ll be fine. She keeps staying up for three or four days working on stuff, then she’ll sleep for thirty hours. It probably has to do something with these little wax paper baggies I keep finding on her desk. I keep trying to see what it’s in ‘em, but every time I touch one she gets really mad, so I just gave up.”

Fluttershy took the letter, giving it a quick once over. “That doesn’t sound, um, healthy. It’s probably nothing to worry about, though. Probably.”

Spike shrugged. “She hadn’t died yet. Not that I’m sure she can die, really. Y’know, wings and all.” He looked back at Twilight. One of her wings twitched, which was likely a good sign. “I don’t know. They don’t pay me to force her to make good life decisions, they just pay me to move the books around.” He handed Fluttershy the letter. “Sorry, can’t help any more than this, not much I can really do officially without her.” He gestured back towards the comatose Twilight, who had started drooling prodigiously. “I gotta stick around regardless. I’m pretty sure it’s time to–” shiver “–change the bucket”

Fluttershy shut one of the window panes. “The bucket?”

Spike looked back at her, eyes wide and head shaking. “Trust me, whatever you think I’m talking about, it’s worse. Just leave it there.” With that, he shut the other window pane.


Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock”

Rarity looked up from her morning coffee in shock.

Only one pony could knock that politely, and five was bad news. One was a cursory warning before an arranged meeting. Two was an expected visit at an indeterminate time. Three was a truly surprise visit, which, on its own, was cause for considerable concern. Four was indicative of a truly disastrous circumstance, like the spa being on fire. Five meant “open this door in the next fifteen seconds or I stand a very good chance of death.”

Rarity threw herself to her hooves, nearly sprinting down a flight of stairs to her door before flinging it open.

“Hey Rarity,” said Fluttershy, pawing at the ground.

“Ah, good morning Fluttershy. What a surprise to see you here!” Rarity lied. She surreptitiously glanced around Fluttershy, trying to locate the impending disaster. There didn’t seem to be any billowing clouds of smoke, nor any rampaging herd of animals, so that meant her first two guesses were out.

Despite the seemingly peaceful circumstances, Fluttershy did indeed look rather panicked. “Could I, um, come inside for a second? I need to ask for your help with, um, something.”

Look of shock? No flames? That settled it; she needed to hide a body. “Of course! Sorry for my slightly disheveled appearance, you caught me in the middle of breakfast. Please, step inside.”

Fluttershy did as she was told and stepped inside. Rarity closed the door behind her, then, after making sure the door had latched, pressed Fluttershy against the wall. “Ok, how big of an, er, ‘problem’ are we facing? Is it in the town? Out at your cottage? Should I bring gloves? Bleach? Or are we just planning to hide it in the forest? Is it anyone we know? You didn’t finally whack Cloudkicker, did you? Not that she didn’t deserve it.”

Fluttershy looked back in confusion, “W–what? Hide? I don’t – oh goddess Rarity, I didn’t – I didn’t hurt anyone. Why would you think that?”

Rarity giggled, a little nervous thing. “Nothing dear! Just a little joke,” she lied. She was doing a lot of that this morning. It’s a good thing she wasn’t Honesty. “Please, then, do tell; what has you so bothered this morning?”

Fluttershy looked at the ground. “Well, you know how Twilight is now the princess of, um.” She paused, apparently trying to think of what, exactly, she reigned over. “Something?”

“Yes.” Personally, Rarity believed Twilight was probably the princess of social anxiety.

“Well, she caught me shoveling hotel soaps into a saddlebag once before she got her wings, and she asked if I had problems with, y’know, money, and I told her that I hadn’t eaten anything but rice cakes and rodent kibble for a week, and so she told me that she would find some way to help me, and then when she got her wings she told me she could get me some government money, right?”

“Perfectly reasonable, dear. How nice of her.” Twilight had not offered to give her any money. Perfidious bitch.

“Yeah, well, anyways, it turns out she can’t just give away free money, so she found a job for me that still technically existed but didn’t actually exist, except apparently Princess Luna didn’t know that, so now I have to actually do that job, and basically I, uh, now need to guide a griffon on a, um, hunt. In the Everfree forest.”

“Mmm. I can see how that might be a problem. When must you accompany this griffon?”

Fluttershy took a quick peek out the front door. “Right, uh, now. He’s outside. And very hungry.”

There was a rather heavy knock on the door. It sounded quite a bit less polite.

Rarity looked first at the door, then at the dreadful state of her mane, then at the cowering pegasus in her foyer. “Right. That does sound like quite the issue. I’m not sure what exactly you believe I could do about it, however.”

Fluttershy was still looking out the window. “Oh, well, she, well, really, Spike, gave me this letter that told me to lie to the griffon to try and get him to go away, but I’m not any good at that, but you are, so maybe you could, um, give it a try? Please?”

Rarity was momentarily a little miffed that Fluttershy had decided she was some kind of expert liar, but, yeah, that was probably right. “Ah, I see. Well, if he’s just some minor noble it shouldn’t be too hard, and I’m sure the crown can successfully cover up any complaints from some two-bit traveler.”

“Um, no, he’s kinda important, he’s the ambass–“

Rarity threw open the door. “Good morning sir! Sorry about the brief delay, I’m afraid there’s been some sort of misunderstanding. You see–”

HMPH.” It was a magnificent “harumph,” the kind that only came from a lifetime of snobbery. “I say, this has been most irregular! First the Royal Gamekeeper is seemingly utterly unprepared to guide any guests, then she must confer with her drowsy-headed liege before performing her duties, and now, after all that, she drags me to meet some low tailor? Quite irregular indeed. Your princesses, the real ones, I might add, will be hearing of this, unicorn, and I should hope she has the both of you punished for your incompetence.” He looked around the increasingly enraged face of Rarity, peering into the boutique. “Now, where has your yellow friend gotten to? I am famished and do not have all day to hunt, you know.”

Rarity, at first taken off guard by the sheer vitriol of the verbal assault, managed to shoot back. “The nerve! First off, sir, my name is not unicorn. It is Rarity, and secondly –”

The noble’s face lifted from abject contempt into something resembling a genuine smile. “Oh my, oh my! Excuse me for my brashness, miss. I had no idea I may have been speaking to a mare of quite some repute, although, in hindsight, I should have expected as much considering the locale. Are you truly the Rarity of Ponyville?”

Rarity looked back in confusion. “Er, yes, I suppose I am. Have you perhaps heard of my dresses? I must admit I did not know they had made it across the ocean, and you must forgive me, as I do not have anything quite cut for your, er, particular dimensions.”

He scoffed. “Ha! Dresses!" He chuckled softly. "You have a great humor as well! No, not your clothes, tailor. Surely you must have expected that a commission of that magnitude, by a pony no less, would create some waves among high society?”

“I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid I do not quite understand. Of what guild are you speaking?”

“Why, the gevärverkstad, the gun-makers guild, of course! Did you not commission a piece from my brother, one Erik Välfjädrad?”

Ah. Now she understood. “I did, yes.”

“Excellent! That makes this hunt far more interesting. I was expecting to have to use armaments provided by the gamekeeper, but the prospect of using such a rifle is truly exhilarating! He was quite proud of it as well, so I am waiting with baited breath to see if it measures up to the standard he described. Now, go and retrieve it for me and I will be on the way.” He made a “shooing” motion with his hand before pointedly looking away.

Rarity did not move, her face slowly contorting in something between complete befuddlement and absolute rage.

The griffon looked back at Rarity. “Er, sorry, but I can’t help but notice that you haven’t moved. Are you hard of hearing, perhaps? You are supposed to wear those earmuffs while shooting, you know.”

“No, I believe I heard you fine. Perhaps you could elucidate as to why exactly you believe you will be going anywhere with my rifle?”

“What? Are you somehow unaware of the laws of the land? All firearms produced by the guild must be given to nobility in times of need, which, as I currently do not have access to my own armory whilst I am traveling, is right now.”

“I don’t know if you have noticed, sir, but this isn’t Värend, which means you have absolutely no right to deprive me of my property.”

“Deprive you? Why would I deprive you of anything? We don’t just take and use property without its owner present! Don’t be ridiculous.” He stuck a claw in his breast pocket.

Rarity relaxed slightly. “Well, that’s a relief. I’m glad we could clear up this misunder–”

He brought out the letter, pointing to a paragraph about three quarters down the page. “Why, you’ll be caddying it!”

Rarity read the lines aloud. “Any services habitually required in your homeland shall be rendered by Equestria under penalty of law as according to the terms of the Treaty of – oh fuck me, you’ve got to be kidding me.” She looked back at the griffon, who had his head tilted back, smugly smirking outrageously, his hand shooing Rarity back inside. She stuffed the letter back into his hand before about-facing, walking back through her door and closing it behind her.

Fluttershy pulled back from the window. “I couldn’t really hear anything. Did you, um, get him to leave?”

Rarity did not respond, instead walking past Fluttershy without so much as a glance in her direction. She stopped at the threshold of her basement door, seemingly stuck staring at the door handle, left eye twitching slightly.

“Uh, Rarity? Are you OK?”

Rarity didn’t look up. “Yes, Fluttershy, I’m fine. Humor me, though, hmm?”

“Yeah?”

“How do you feel about, ah, regicide?”