The skies are dark from thunder clouds being shoved together into the sky. They were supposed to be for an ambush against my forces, but I easily outsmarted them by simply thinking ‘why the fuck are there thunderclouds over a city that loves sunshine?’ I sent lightning to course through the clouds, which managed to knock out at least the majority of the pegasi guards. Ingenious, I know. Anyway, the roads are covered in unconscious royal guards, and marching dogs. I stand at the main doors of Canterlot’s castle. Nothing will stop me as I throw up the doors. “Knock knock! Your rent’s due bitch!” I yell. Suddenly, a blast impacts my chest, but I’m already ten steps ahead. My coat deflects the force, sending it to either side of me, hitting some of my guards. “Well that just added to your debt,” I say. In front of me, is Princess Luna, glaring at me as her horn smokes. She’s fully clad in iron armor.
“You will not get past-“ She’s interrupted by me shooting lightning at her. However, the lightning bounces off as she chuckles. “Anon, I’ve seen your handiwork. You won’t-“ I hit her with lightning again. “Like I was-“ I hit her with lightning. “WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING-“ I pull out my gun and shoot her horn with a rubber bullet, which sends her sprawling to the floor in agonizing pain. According to Twilight, the horn has a sensitivity equivalent to my toes. Her horn’s fine, but it sure as hell hurts like a bitch.
“Detain her,” I say. Dogs rush over to her, clamping anti-magic rings and cuffs to her horn, wings and hooves.
“T-this is humiliating!” She says in between grunts of pain.
“No, this is,” I say, before taking out a marker. I walk over, kneel down and smile. “I hear you like nightclubs, so I’ll ruin it for you.” I start scribbling on her, as she’s still processing the pain. After a minute or two, I’m done and she’s panting.
“What did you do?!” She yells.
“Nothing too bad,” I say. I pull out a mirror. She squints and looks confused. “Glow in the dark marker. Permanent, glow in the dark marker.” Her eyes widen.
“No! NO!!!” She yells. “Why would you curse me like this you vile creature!?” I chuckle sadistically and lean into her ear.
“They were fifty percent off.” With that, I give her an evil grin and start walking past her.
“You’ll pay Anon! YOU’LL PAY!!!” She cries as I walk away.
I kick open another pair of doors, getting closer to the throne room. My group of Diamond dogs follows closely behind me. Bones comes up, looking worried. “Erm, sir? I uh, I’m just wondering, are you okay?” He asks. “You haven’t been yourself lately.” I glance at him and stop.
“Of course I’m okay. Don’t ask such bitch ass questions,” I comment before moving on. Once I get to another door, I kick it open to find the Princess of Friendship and her posse glaring me down. “I’d surrender if I were you,” I say. Twilight doesn’t respond, instead, she immediately shoots at me with magic, but I block it with a magic shield. In turn, I shoot off some lightning. However, Twilight easily blocks it and charges at me. I frown and pull out my gun. However, a lasso wraps around my hand and yanks my arm away, making me miss my shot. Surprised, I couldn’t stop Twilight in time, thus another magic blast hits my gut. I keel over, and a blast hits my face. I stumble, and a pair of blue hooves rush up and slam into my chest. I fly into the air, but the lasso jerks me back onto the ground. I let out a grunt and look up to glare at Applejack. She’s glaring right back. “No talk? That’s new,” I say. I start to get up, but a cannon suddenly appears to my right and blasts me. Applejack keeps a tight grip on the rope, and uses the blasts’ force to swing me out a nearby window. Letting go of the lasso, Applejack and the ponies watch as I fly down the mountain side. The wind rushes past me as I fly down. I look back to see that there’s some ground coming up to greet me...
Twilight and the gang look out the window with shock. “... Did... did we win?” She asks.
“I mean... he can’t fly, right?” Applejack asks.
“Oh no- we didn’t kill him did we?!” Fluttershy suddenly asks in terror.
“Who cares? We won!” Rainbow yells.
“like a soMEBODY FUCK YO BI-“ I yell, flying back in through the window and latching onto Rainbow. “THE FUCK YOU SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT-“ I release an intense electric shock, and Rainbow yells as she flies into a wall and knocks herself out. I land on my feet and glare up at the other five ponies as I start twitching. Bones, who’s off to the side, whimpers as he sees me.
“Wha- How!? HOW!?!?” Applejack asks.
“Let’s just say I got creative with a force push spell,” I comment, twitching a bit more.
“U-um, girls, something’s really off about him,” Fluttershy says.
“Darling, do you ever give up!?” Rarity asks. Applejack throws a lasso towards me, but I grab it. I yank it towards me, forcing her to fly over to me. I grab her, and send intense electricity before quickly throwing her at Rarity. The electricity, still coursing throw Applejack, arcs and connects with Rarity and Fluttershy. All three yell before going unconscious. Twilight and Pinkie look at me as I huff.
“Now, I’m mad,” I say. Twilight glares as Pinkie clears her throat.
“I uh, I think I’mma sit this one out,” she squeaks before jetting out. Twilight’s horn glows before several energy shots fly towards me. I simply sidestep them and raise a hand towards her. I starting shooting electricity constantly, and Twilight brings up a shield. However, she flinches and starts drifting back.
“W-what!? What are you doing!?” She yells.
“Do you think I’ve been buying generators for the fun of it?” I ask. I increase my power output, and her shield breaks like a China plate. She goes rigid as electricity courses through her. After a moment, I stop, and she falls. “Remember when Rarity said to never give me a real reason to fight? Celestia should’ve fucking listened.” With that, I continue. My soldiers, however, were a bit hesitant. They slowly start following me, unsure of something...
Finally, I throw open the doors to Celestia’s throne room. She sits on her pedestal of a throne, sipping tea. She looks down and sighs. “I saw you fly out the window. Thought I could relax,” she says.
“In this business, I’m the Amazon on villains. There aren’t any fucking breaks,” I say. Energy around me crackles and sparks as I walk forward. Celestia stands up, and sighs again.
“I surrender,” she says. Everything stops as I hear those words.
“... What?” I ask.
“You got this far. I don’t know what you could do, so I surrender,” she says. I look at her for a moment before chuckling. Then, I start laughing. Slowly, it becomes maniacal. Celestia looks at me with confusion.
“W-well?! What do you want?! We surrender!” She yells.
“No you fucking don’t!” I yell, suddenly angry and twitching. “I can tell you’re lying!” Celestia grimaces.
“Well, I never was good at that,” she mutters. Suddenly, her wings flair up and she shines brightly. I cover my eyes and curse.
“God dammit! Why the fuck do y’all-“ I’m interrupted by a massive hammer slamming into my stomach. I fly for a bit before slamming into a wall and falling to the ground. “Ow,” I mutter weakly.
“Anonymous the Human, I am no longer willing to put up with your games or your tricks,” Celestia says. “You are hereby-“ I slowly take out a walkie talkie and press a button.
“Plan BFB! LAUNCH THE BIG FUCK!!!” I yell into the device. The Diamond dogs all go stiff and wide eyed. They look at me with fear. Celestia looks between them and me.
“Wha- what’s plan BFB?” She asks. I start laughing and roll onto my back, maniacal laughter ringing through the halls. Bones falls to his knees.
“S-sir... why... why would you do this to us?” He asks in genuine shock. Celestia’s eyes widen as she sees that even my loyal dogs are terrified.
“What’s BFB!?” She yells as I hold up my radio.
“Sir, it’s launched, BFB will arrive in ten minutes,” it says.
“Anon- WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?” Celestia yells, stomping up to me as I continue my maniacal laughter. I calm down a bit, still chuckling as I looked up at her.
“The worst thing I can ever do,” I say. Celestia growls and lifts a dog up with her magic.
“What does BFB stand for!?” She yells.
“I-It’s stands for-“ The dog gulps. “B-big fucking b-bomb.” Celestia’s eyes widened before she rushes over to me, picking me up with her magic.
“DID YOU JUST SEND A NUKE TOWARDS US!?!?” She yells in fury.
“Weeeeell, let’s just say it’s going to get messy,” I say with an evil smile. Bones falls down, breathing heavily.
“S-sir, I-I thought-“
“Where did you send it!?” Celestia asks. I shrug.
“I threw a dart on a map and said ‘launch there’. No clue where it is,” I say, shrugging.
“Do you understand how many deaths this will cause!?” She says.
“Yes. It’s gonna be funny as fuck,” I say, grinning.
“THIS ISN’T FUNNY!!!” She yells. I merely chuckle.
“Look, even if you did try to to catch it, it’s got an anti-magic spell on it. So no matter what, it’s gonna go off,” I say.
“Is there any way to stop it!?” She asks. I shrug.
“You’re gonna have to surrender before we can even begin to start trying to fix this,” I say. She looks at me incredulously. She looks down, conflicted for a moment before growling and throwing her helmet off.
“Fine! You win!” She yells.
“Nah ah ah, we gotta put it in writing,” I say, grinning. She glares at me and teleports in a paper sheet. “And, since it’s your surrender, I’ll give you the pleasure of me telling you how you’re surrendering.”
After a few moments, and a cold atmosphere, Celestia hands me a signed surrender form. It basically says that every punishment suitable towards me are to be negated, and that I am exempted from any and all property and financial laws regarding taxes. I am also un-exiled and allowed to rebuild my castle. Any and all attempts to persecute or accuse me of any crime are to be scrutinized by yours truly. And just to add insult to injury, I forced her to allow me access to Canterlot castle any time to come and throw anything at her. With that done and signed, she glares up at me. “Welp, now that that’s settled, allow me to share a secret,” I say. “I lied.”
“What?” Celestia asks, getting angry. “You lied about the nuke?!”
“No, there’s a nuke, and it’s coming,” I say. I give a smile. “I just lied about not knowing where it’s heading.” Almost perfectly timed, a thunder sounds off in the distance. Celestia panics and looks outside to see a mushroom cloud nearby, and a wave of something enveloping the city. She looks at me, and sees me give a quick middle finger in her direction before everything goes white...
After a moment, everything goes quiet. Celestia keeps her eyes closed for a moment, expecting pain and agony, but it doesn’t come. Was it that swift? Was it that fast? She slowly opens her eyes, and widens them as what she sees shocks her.
Glitter. Nothing but glitter. Instead of a destroyed castle, it is both covered in and full of glitter. “... What?” She asks herself.
“Boom! Bitch! I win!” I yell, within a barrier. The Diamond dogs around me, who are also untouched by the cursed glitter, sigh in relief.
“W-what happened!?” Celestia asks. I snicker and hold up our impromptu contract.
“I just got revenge bitch!” I yell. She looks over at me and back to the glitter. It’s everywhere.
“... Was that nuke full of glitter!?” She yells in disbelief.
“Well, of course it was. What, did you think I was going to use an actual nuke?” I ask. “Do I look like I would put the money in for a working, radioactive, nuclear weapon?”
“It’s just... Oh goodness,” Celestia says as she tries to calm down from the rush of emotions just moments before. “I-I thought we were going to die.”
“Fuck no, if there aren’t any ponies, then who the fuck is gonna serve me some McDon’s? Also, why would I nuke myself?!” I ask. Celestia sighs and looks at me with a frown.
“You are the truest form of an asshole, you know that?” She asks. I laugh and smile.
“You haven’t looked outside yet,” I say. Celestia looks out and her eyes widen. Nothing but glitter covers the city, and the mountain. In fact, glitter is still rolling down the mountain.
“Where did you even find this much bucking glitter?!” Celestia asks.
“eNeigh, on a discount,” I say. She sighs.
“Just- just leave. Please,” she says.
“Hold up, I have one more demand that only needs to be enforced for one year,” I say. Celestia huffs. “And before you say you already surrendered, I actually did get a nuke a couple weeks ago.” I drop my smile and look at her seriously. “So you really don’t have a choice this time.” Celestia shudders and sighs.
“Fine. What is it?” She asks.
It’s been about a month, and Ponyville is as quiet as ever. The castle I had first made stands tall on the opposite side of town from Twilight’s castle. It’s an exact replica, all the way down to the sweet throne table. I almost cried in joy when I saw it. However, I have a new purpose in town...
“WHY DO YOU TAX ANYTHING THAT RHYMES!?!?” A disgruntled citizen yells.
“If you don’t make sense, you’re paying in cents,” I say, holding out a hand.
“No- this is a valid question! Buck you!” He retaliates. I turn on my massage chair and lean back.
“If you dare curse, you give me your purse,” I say.
“Celestia dammit!” He yells in frustration.
“Hee ho hey, your taxes, you gotta pay,” I say as the guy depressingly walks out. My throne room’s doors burst open as Twilight storms in, shoving past the stallion.
“Anon, can you explain why you’re taxing my castle!?” She asks.
“Magic, Diamond or tree, that shit still ain’t free,” I explain.
“Why did Celestia allow you this?” Twilight mutters, knowing she won’t get a better answer. “Also, can you actually help pay for the cleaning costs? We’re still finding glitter everywhere.” I laugh.
“Nope!” I say. “It was either the glitter, or my iron fist. I chose for you,” I say, patting her head. “Be thankful.” Twilight rolls her eyes.
“Fine. Also, Celestia wanted me to tell you to stop sending letters to her,” she says. I click my tongue.
“No, I don’t think I will,” I say. She shrugs.
“That’s between you and her. Personally, I don’t want anything to do with you. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” Twilight teleports out as I chuckle.
“Life is so good,” I say as I lean back even more. Bones walks in, sighing.
“Sir, might I ask why we’re getting a cake?” He starts.
“A little gift for Celestia,” I answer.
“Sir, it’s a cake that says ‘Fat Ass’,” Bones deadpans.
“I didn’t say it was a good gift,” I reply. Bones laughs and sits at the table.
“You know my lord, for someone who was an evil villain, you sure are laid back nowadays,” he says.
“Bruh, I nuked Equestria with a glitter bomb and forced them to clean it up without any repercussions on my part. If that’s not perfect revenge, I don’t know what is,” I say.
“Hey boss!” Frank yells, scaring me.
“What!?” I yell. Frank holds out a letter. I take it and look at it.
“Erm, sir? Who is it from?” Bones asks. I snicker and put it in my coat.
“Just the pony I’ve been talking to,” I say. Bones furrows his brow. After a moment, I sigh. “It’s Celestia.” Bones coughs for a bit.
“What!?” He yells.
“Yeah, my way of doing things has been actually effective for recovering the national treasury. Celestia doesn’t want anyone to know that we’re actually going to work together more.” I snicker. “Also, quite frankly, it gives me more opportunities to fuck with her. So, why not?” Bones sighs.
“Well, whatever you wish for sir,” he says. Frank salutes me before rushing off. I stretch and lean back.
“Right now though, I think I’ll just relax for a bit,” I say. Bones nods. I turn off the massager and close my eyes. I do believe I deserve a nice, long, nap. I’ll be living the life of luxury after all. Me, and all my loyal dogs. I hum in thought as I think of how much I should give them as a raise.