[Elsewhere, in a magical land of horses and totally not anime, a book vibrates.]
Sunset – Hey Twilight, it’s Sunset. Listen, we’ve got a bit of a magical problem over here. One of the Canterlot High students seems to have woken up one morning with some kind of magical bracelet? It’s a big old gold thing with a- hold on- Rarity says it’s called a lapis lazuli stone in it. Dunno if that helps. Well, we can’t get the bracelet off, and it seems to be warded against magic. Also, it keeps turning the student into a girl every other hour.
Twilight – That… is alarming, to say the least. I can honestly say I’ve never heard of an artifact like that, ever. Let me see what I can find, and I’ll get back to you.
S – Actually, it’s pretty time sensitive. The guy can’t really go home without fixing it. Something about a fight with his dad. Also, he-wait, sorry, she now-is rather extraordinarily pissed off about it. Like, I’ve known this person for years and I’ve never seen them this angry. Or upset.
T – Well that’s no good. I mean, I’ve kind of got a lot going on here, too-princess fun times, wooo-but I’ll try to come by as soon as I can.
S – I was honestly kind of hoping we could just hop over to Equestria ourselves. It’s the weekend here, and we really kind of need this dealt with as soon as possible.
T – I understand. You know you’re always welcome at the castle, Sunset. I’ll make sure someone greets you at the mirror portal if I can’t do so myself. By the way, is the student someone I know?
[There is no response for several minutes.]
T – Sunset?
[Still no response]
T – Sunset, you th-
S – It’s Schadenfreude.
T – NO. No, no, no. Absolutely fucking not. Not a chance in hell. He can wait his happy ass over there as far away from me ass possible while I research this myself, in MY library, ALONE.
S – Twilight, he’s really upset. And this isn’t just going to go away or get better. He needs help-
T – Which I will gladly give him by doing everything I can to find a solution to this problem AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS POSSIBLE.
S – Twilight, he-
T – NO.
S – Twilight-
T – FUCK NO.
S – Twi-
T – AB-CELESTIA-LUTELY GODDAMN NOT.
S – TWILIGHT [The latter was said not with a pen, but a giant red stamp firmly squared in the center of the page, made especially for occasions like these.]
T -...what.
S – The bracelet gives him a mild electric shock whenever it detects interference by external magic.
[There is a brief pause.]
T – Sunset Shimmer if you do not bring this poor soul in need to my castle right away for help I will never forgive you.
----------------------------------------
“So, good news!” Sunset exclaimed, looking up from the journal.
“I’ve been barred from Equestria for all time and she’s just gonna throw a book through the portal that tells us how to turn this bracelet into slag?” I asked, with a sense of half-hearted hopefulness. The two of us were all that was left at Sunset’s house, after she had made it painfully clear that only the two of us would be going to Equestria. Namely because the Equestrian counterparts of all the other girls were national heroes, celebrities, and in general just too damn important to have two of running around over there.
“...no. Twilight is going to meet us at the mirror portal and do everything in her power to help you,” Sunset explained, still a little too cheerfully.
“Alright, what’s the catch?”
She blinked, her now obviously fake smile faltering slightly. “What do you mean?”
I feel my shoulders make a valiant attempt to fall off my body. They succeed only in slumping. “Sunset, I know that look. That’s your ‘There’s a really big catch behind this but as long as I don’t say it out loud maybe nobody has to find out and I can still fix the thing’ look. What the hell did she say?”
“Well…” she trailed off, not quite looking me in the eye. “I had to tell her who I was bringing…”
“At which point she tried to light the journal on fire, right?” I might have only had brief interactions with Princess Twilight, but I had been assured that my Equestrian double was almost nationally renowned for being the biggest non-villain non-noble cocksocket in Equestria, and frankly, the sense of pride was the only thing keeping me going.
“No, but she was very adamant that you not come to Equestria, and that she do the research alone, with you very far away.”
“-and you convinced her otherwise how? Was that stamp magical or something?” I asked, glancing at the rather dubiously large page-wide rubber red stamp she’d practically slammed into the page.
“Oh, no, that’s just a stamp with her name on it. I use it to interrupt her when I can’t get a word in edgewise.”
“...you made a stamp the size of a keyboard for the express purpose of cutting off a Princess mid-sentence?”
Sunset looked a little sheepish. “Maybe? Yo have no idea how hard it is to get her to stop writing sometimes.”
“...that is the second most beautiful thing I’ve heard all day,” I said quietly, wiping a tear of pride from my eye.
“You’re still not over the whole ‘Your otherworld clone is such a giant douchewaffle they had to draw up a 5-page legal document just to list all the things he isn’t allowed to do in the capitol city, and there’s a mandatory training session involving said document for any guard that has regular interaction with him’, are you?”
“Not even a little bit over it.”
She sighed, and pinched her nose. “I’m starting to feel less bad about this part, then. So, the only way I could think of to convince her to let you anywhere NEAR Equestria was to tell her about the whole ‘magic makes the bracelet electrocute you’ thing.”
“...you know what? I’m not even mad.” FLASH. BANG. “AT YOU,” I added, glaring at the offending piece of jewelry.
----------------------------
“I still can’t believe there’s a portal to a universe full of magical supernukes, talking horses-”
“-PONIES-” Sunset interjected.
“-equines, supervillains, dragons, and dogs made of tree branches just sitting around, always open, in front of a fucking inner-city high school,” I mused. I took another look at my watch, just to make sure it wasn’t close to the hour. The last thing I wanted was to change genders and species at the exact same time. Sunset also wasn’t sure what would happen if I did.
“To be fair,” Sunset said, taking a quick look around to make sure no one else was around to follow us through, “We’ve seen our fair share of magic over here, too.”
“Yes, but I’m more amazed we don’t have a constant influx of students jumping in and out of this thing for funsies.”
“Which is exactly why we’re here at 5 p.m. on a Saturday, and why I’ve been making sure nobody follows us. Everyone at the school knows about magic, but not everyone knows about the mirror portal. And we try pretty freaking hard to keep it that way,” she added, adjusting her bag over her shoulder. We’d both packed a bag, at Sunset’s insistence, which I found kind of odd considering ponies didn’t wear clothes.
“What about all the people that came through the portal after the boat fiasco?”
Sunset’s expression slid from one of determination to a flat, humorless smile. “Honestly, after your incident with the wolves, the boat sinking, traipsing through the rain in pony form, and a whole host of other stuff that night, nobody involved besides the girls wants anything to do with Equestria anymore.”
“I do not blame any of them in the least. Are you sure I have to come with, on that note?” I drawled. I was very much not looking forward to this. On top of a rather well-earned dislike of magic, which was growing literally by the hour, I have never liked horses, ponies, or anything with hooves.
“It’s either that or sit around doing nothing but change genders every hour waiting for two bookworms to find some obscure piece of lore in what could be any number of libraries. Which you wouldn’t be able to do at home, which sucks-”
“-yeah…”
“And even given the circumstances there is no way in HELL I’m leaving you alone in my house for an undefined amount of time.”
I had to smile a little at that. “Which I completely understand. Even as much as I hate this whole genderswap bullshit, I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t be tempted to try some of your clothes on as a girl.”
She raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Schaden, no offense, but even as a girl you could get knocked over by a slight breeze. There’s no way you’re fitting into anything I wear,” she chided, emphasizing her point by cocking an envious hip.
“You’re just mad because, in the event I do end up staying a girl, shopping for bras would be infinitely easier for me. Not to mention the significant lack of future back problems,” I added, with a passing gesture at her chest.
“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.”
“...I will, thanks.”
She took one last look around as we stepped up to the portal. “Alright, ready or not, here we- DAMMIT PINKIE I SAID NO!” she barked, glaring at a bush my the school’s front door.
“Awwww…….” said the bush.