//------------------------------// // Like, a LOT // Story: Schadenfreude HATES MAGIC // by Daemon McRae //------------------------------// If the big capital letters weren't clue enough, my name is Schadenfreude, and I HATE magic. Not from any moral or religious standpoint, mind you. I couldn't even tell you what religion I am, honestly. Morally speaking, well, I have morals, but given my penchant for dicketry, I'm not exactly a solid foundation from which to be making such arguments. No, I hate magic because it really fucking hurts. For the uninitiated, I attend what is arguably the strangest high school in the country, Canterlot High. We have magical girls, inter dimensional monsters, giant man-eating plants, talking dogs, mind-controlling demon chicks, and memory-erasing garden rocks. To start. For some reason, however, it seems that every single time magic rears its ugly, pointy head, I end up in or near a hospital. The mind controlling demon? Blew a hole in the front of the school big enough to drive a bus through. Part of the rubble fell on me and broke my leg. Which I was then mind-controlled into trying to walk on. Inter-dimensional monsters? Turned the school into an angry super-competitive powder keg. I got in three fights, one of which dislocated my shoulder and broke my nose. Giant evil plants? Knocked me three rows deep into the bleachers, where I re-dislocated my shoulder, twisted my ankle, and broke two ribs. School party on a cruise? Nearly drowned, then got turned into a magical talking horse, where Timberwolves tried to eat me. In another dimension. As in, wolves made of timber. Giant barky loggy boys. NOT GOOD DOGGOS. Splinters everywhere, and don't ask about the bite marks. I still have scars. Then there was the time the magical girls lost control of their powers for almost a week, and I got my eyebrows burnt off by explosive Skittles (not a joke), had the other arm dislocated by a farm girl with super strength trying to rush through the hallway after she'd ripped a locker door out of the wall, got mauled by squirrels because the girl that can talk to animals told them about my putting neon blue hair dye in one of the other girl's shampoo bottles in gym (which she only found out was me because she read my mind), and had to pull magical diamond shards out of my skin after one of the other girls dropped a magical chandelier she conjured out of mid-fucking-air. Oh, and the girl with telekinesis (because why the hell not) landed her bike E.T. style out of the sky on my CAR. So yes, I hate magic. Not the people who use it, not the place it comes from, just magic. By itself. Because whenever I get anywhere near it something fucking awful happens to me. Oh, and the memory-erasing stone? Made me forget the final draft of a 20%-of-my-grade term paper. I got a D. In a class I had, HAD, an A in. ------------------------- "Ok," Sunset Shimmer said, alarmed, after I'd finished my rant. The rest of the Rainbooms were looking at me with varying degrees of concern, as I had wound myself up a bit, and am usually annoyingly excellent at maintaining my composure. "So... why are you bringing this up now, Schaden? At my house? On a Saturday?" "Because I had to miss school yesterday," I explain, speaking a bit slower as to gain my composure. I could already feel my blood pressure rising. "Because, when I woke up Friday morning, this thing was on my arm!" I raised my right hand and pointed accusingly at the artifact in question. A simple, if a bit bulky, golden wrist band with a bright blue gemstone in it. It looked, honestly, like a panic button. "Oooo-kay..." Sunset replied, staring at the wristband. There was an appreciative 'Ooooh' from Rarity in the back of the room. "So, what's wrong with it?" "Well, for starters, I can't take it the FUCK OFF," I barked, already having had enough of this bracelet's shit after only a day and a half. I demonstrated, angrily, by pulling on it as hard as I could. It stubbornly refused to move past my wrist, in either direction, despite having at least half an inch of wiggle room. I have skinny arms. “Well that’s not good,” Twilight said from behind the door. She stepped out onto Sunset’s porch to take a look at it herself. “Hold on, let me try.” Her hands glowed with the tell that she was using her telekinesis. “Sure, why not, what else could hap-HOLY SHIT OWOWOWOWOW!” I jumped back, clutching my arm, as the bracelet kindly refuted Twilight’s attempt at removal by electrocuting me. Rather brightly, I might add, as Sunset and Twilight recoiled from the flash of light, and yelps of pain. “Sweet Celestia!” Sunset cried, taking a step back. “Alright, now I’M worried.” “Oh, only now?” I droll, the feeling slowly returning to my arm. I give it a shake for good measure. Twilight took a cautious step forward. “Has it... done that before?” “No, actually. That’s brand-fuckity-new. Look, I know you’re all probably secretly enjoying having a conversation with me that doesn’t involve some kind of prank, pun, or overall social irritation-” “Secretly?” Rainbow Dash cut in. I glared at her best I could, given that I rarely have occasion to glare at people. She seemed unimpressed. “As much as I deserve that, this isn’t some cheap prank. This thing is causing me no end of grief, and I have no idea where it came from, what it is, or how the get rid of it. I’ve lost all semblance of composure, my dad can barely hold a conversation with me, and I sure as hell can’t go to school with this thing on my arm!” Sunset raised her hands defensively, attempting to get me to calm down. “Whoa, slow down. Besides the not-taking-it-off part, and the apparently rather violent magical security system, what the hell is it doing?” I took a look at my watch, and with as much sarcasm as I could muster, replied, “I’m so glad you asked. It’s about a minute to eleven, which means I get to SHOW you, instead of trying to explain this shit again. You see, once every two hours, on the dot, for exactly one hour-” I pause, as I feel the magic in the bracelet kick in again, and my body starts to glow. I’m briefly interrupted by the transformation, as it’s kind of hard to talk when your vocal chords are shapeshifting. Especially when it comes with a big FLASH, BANG. Stuff grows, stuff disappears, and I’d really rather not describe the exceptionally uncomfortable process, until a minute later, then the magic ends. I take a second to regain my composure, and adjust to my new height of half a foot shorter than 70 seconds ago, before I lift my wrist again, pointing at the bracelet, and yell in a much higher pitched voice than when I started the sentence, “-THIS MOTHERFUCKER TURNS ME INTO A GIRL!” --------------------------- After the laughing was done, and there was a LOT of it, the girls (now including myself), had seated themselves around and about the living room. The novelty of never having been in Sunset’s house before was quickly overridden by wild irritation and, quite frankly, emotional distress. Not to mention one of the worst hormonal imbalances ever. Apparently having an all-female body does not give you an all-female mind, and the two quickly collide, as they had done every couple hours for the last day and a half. If I end up living with this for a thousand years I still won’t get used to it. “So, do you have any idea who could have put this bracelet on you?” Rarity asked. “I mean, it is a bit gaudy for my taste, up close, but that is a rather splendid lapis lazuli, and I-” “Rarity.” Applejack said tersely. “Right, of course. My apologies. As I was saying, do you... have any suspects, as it were?” I thought about it for a moment. “Not anymore. Honestly I thought it was you guys at first. Right up till the point where I got tazed, I mean. I figured this was just some magical slap on the wrist for being a douchewaffle.” “Why the hell would we do that?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Actually, that kind of makes sense,” said Twilight, before I had a chance to answer. “I mean, if it hadn’t been actively hurting him until now, I could see him interpreting it as a kind of friendship lesson: turn into a girl for an hour before school starts, so that he’s the butt of the joke for once, he comes to us for help, gets his friendship lesson, and if he doesn’t learn it right away, he gets another hour. Rinse and repeat till whatever lesson we might have been trying to teach him sinks in, then we take the bracelet off.” “Pretty much,” I added, nodding to Twilight. “And up to the point you turned me into a piece of Home Alone bonus footage, that was exactly what I thought was going to happen. Of course, my dad didn’t even let me go to school yesterday, which is why I’m here now.” Pinkie Pie giggled, and upon receiving a room full of weird looks, explained, “Sorry, it’s just really funny hearing you talk with a girl voice.” “Well, who else would have access to this kind of Equestrian magic?” Sunset asked nobody in particular, before I could respond. Applejack spoke up first. “Honestly, take yer pick. We keep findin’ magical stuff lyin’ around everywhere. Magic staves in the ocean, magic rocks in the woods, hell, a couple of pop stars found a time loop thingy over the summer. With all the stuff Equestria kept dumpin’ on this side of the mirror, anybody in town coulda done it.” I rolled my eyes in exasperation. “And of course, anyone I personally haven’t pissed off, my dad might have, just doing his job as a tax accountant. So really, it’d be easier to shortlist the people that don’t have a motive.” “Wonderful,” Rainbow Dash groaned. “So now we gotta play Fancy Drew for the school asshat?” “Rainbow!” Fluttershy scolded. I jumped slightly, having forgotten she was sitting there. “He... I mean... she... might not be our best friend, but she... he... they... oh this is confusing. Schadenfreude came to us for help. We should at least try.” “Absotootely!” Pinkie Pie jumped in. “I mean, if any of us was turning into boys, well, I mean, I don’t think Schaden would help exactly...” “I can say with all honesty that I would hold off any and all mocking, commentary, and/or outright guffaws until after you got things sorted out,” I said, holding up a Scout’s Honor gesture. “He did wait until our powers got under control till he started makin’ jokes,” Applejack added. “That’s because I didn’t want to DIE,” I deadpanned. “I was spending that whole week avoiding the hell out of you. And wooded areas.” Fluttershy ‘humphed’. “The squirrels said they were sorry.” “I had to pull an acorn out of my ear canal. It popped my eardrum.” “...very sorry.” “Ok, ok,” Sunset interjected. “We have just a small bit of information and a lot of questions. And frankly, I can only think of one place to go for answers. We might-” “NO,” I said flatly. “Schaden, we’re probably going to-” “NOOOOO.” “You know there’s no other-” “FUCK NO.” “WE’RE GOING TO EQUESTRIA.” “...dammit.” I slouched back into the couch, as Rarity patted my thigh. “Do you... want to call your dad first? Or stop at home?” I thought about it. Then about the fight dad and I had yesterday. Then again last night. Then this morning. “No. He’s... not handling this well. The only times he’s dealt with magic were the times he had to drive me to and from the hospital. He kind of... implied that I should maybe not come home until I get this sorted out, or at least figure out if it’s permanent.” “Wait, hold on... I thought you an’ yer pa were thick as thieves?” Applejack asked. “Why’s he kickin' out his son?” “He’s not. He just doesn’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to handle this. We had a couple heated fights, stuff like he wanted to transfer me out of school, send me to live with my mom, that kind of thing. Both of which were ideas that I, in my rather emotional state, didn’t respond well to. I think he just needs some time to think about this. I’d love to take some time to cool my head and work this out logically, if I wasn’t having the world’s worst hot flashes once an hour.” “I’m pretty sure that’s not how hot flashes work,” Rainbow chided. “Actually, a hot flash is defined as a sudden influx of testosterone in a normally estrogen-balanced system. So really, whenever he turns back into a guy-” FLASH. BANG. “Like that, he gets a huge surge in testosterone-” “-and gets really fucking beside myself!” I add, yelling at the bracelet. “...what’s sad is this isn’t even the strangest conversation I’ve had with you,” Sunset groaned. “No, that was the time you had to explain how you figured out I was behind the bright blue hair dye, which I’m still not sorry about by the way, by accidentally grabbing my crotch.” The room as a whole turned to look at Sunset, who had gone from a soothing yellow tone to DEFCON red in seconds. “And what part of bringing it up is ‘NEVER TALKING ABOUT IT AGAIN’?” she growled. “Look, I have been in your living room for over an hour without screwing with someone, and have changed genders twice since this conversation started. If I didn’t piss someone off soon I was going to self-destruct.” “I was wondering when we’d get there,” Twilight mused.