She Drives Me Batty

by I Thought I Was Toast


Canterlot Knights Part 1

Grin cocked with enough smugness for a flock of cocks and their dick swinging contest, I sauntered down the road to my marefriend’s house in full battle dress. My armor was polished until it gleamed with little stars, while my coat and mane had been scoured with the best shampoo and conditioner Diamond could buy. I was smooth as spider’s silk, baby soft, and hot as the motherbucking sun.

Up the driveway and to the door, I didn’t even get a chance to knock before Mr. Rich opened the door to dad me with his eyebrow.

“I thought I felt you walking up.” He had a cool and stern glower as he appraised me. “Very few ponies swagger like that.”

Even with a slight blush, I held my ground. “Very few ponies can claim to be dating a pony as beautiful as your daughter, sir.”

“True.” A ghost of a smile flitted across Mr. Rich’s face. “Except there is only one pony as beautiful as my little gemstone. I’ll go fetch her, shall I? Last I checked, she was still busy fretting over which ear shadow to use or something.”

“They make ear shadow now, sir?” Tilting my head, I flicked one ear.

“I wouldn’t know.” Shrugging, he turned to go inside, waving me into the foyer. “Do I look like I wear makeup?”

“Only when duty demands, sir.” My grin was back as I followed him in.

“Yes, well, I don’t know about you, but duty never demands for me. Now, wait here.” Mr. Rich trotted up the stairs to enter the labyrinth proper. Even a single click down the halls in front of me and to each side brought back a confusing mishmash of echoes. Turn after turn after turn, her mansion may be huge on the outside, but it seemed even bigger on the inside.

A good ten minutes passed as I waited, but that was why I’d shown up early—for Diamond’s sake. Stars above, that filly of mine was beautiful, but her prep time rivaled that of the entirety of Sapphire Shores’ troupe combined. She was no doubt rushing the last of it now that I was here, and—

“Hello, Night.”

—if time is what it took to make my mare look like that, then the junior guard had taught me well. ‘Hurry up and wait.’

Diamond sashayed out into the foyer and down the stairs, my heart dropping dead as she smote me with raw, pure beauty greater than the Nightmother herself. She giggled as my jaw dropped just as it always did, and my wings rustled violently as she moved to rub against me with a purr. If I was smooth as silk, she was as soft as moonlight, and the feel of her curves was enough to flush me Nightmare black.

“Wow….” My smirk was back in a flash, and I leaned into the contact to rub her back. Moving in for a nuzzle and kiss, she was the one to shiver as I chastely pecked her lips.

“Pretty sure that’s my line, handsome~” Diamond grinned as she pulled back, tail swishing as she eyed me like a hungry griffon about to pounce. “I feel underdressed with you all kitted out in your armor.”

“Yeah, well, I got my first night shadowing the guard after we have our date.” With a sheepish grin, I scratched the back of my head. “Trust me, if I was taking you somewhere super fancy, I’d give you a lot more warning.”

“Hrmmm… so you’re shadowing what? The local detachment? The Dawn Guard?”

“No~” My grin turned smug as a slug as I waggled my brow at Diamond. “As it turns out, you may not be underdressed, but I do have a surprise for you, Princess~” With a deep bow, I gestured my radiant star towards the door. “Our carriage awaits~”

Right on cue, the driver knocked on the door, and I sauntered over to open it and reveal him grinning like a loon under moon in a suit that was stretching slightly at the seams. “Carriage for two?”

I raised an eyebrow at the Uberbat. “Really, Dad?”

“Yes.”

“Where’s the actual driver?”

“Enjoying his night off.”

Rolling my eyes, I snorted and ignored Diamond’s giggles. “Mom’s gonna kill you for this.”

“And?” Dad’s grin grew wider. “It’ll totally be worth it.”

“We were going to meet at the hotel anyways!”

“Yes, but this way I get to have fun eavesdropping.” His grin didn’t even flicker—face straight as an arrow as he shamelessly admitted his crimes.

Daaaaaad!” My ears splayed back as I whined, Diamond’s giggles turning into full-on laughter. “Don’t ruin this!”

“I think it’s wonderful.” Diamond’s gaze traced over the ornate carriage. Rich ebony wood and silver filigree made our ride an elegant, if not royal affair. The wheels were large, circular and filled with narrow spokes, while horn-carved stairs ascended to a windowed door with shades for privacy. The inside was cushioned with soft velvet seats perfect for cuddling, and I had even ordered some blankets and hot chocolate for us to share, knowing the air would get chilly up in Canterlot this time of year.

“Relax.” Dad waved a hoof. “Carriage is sound-proofed, anyways. You two are gonna be free to do whatever you want.”

“Anything?” Diamond’s teeth gleamed almost predatorily as she grinned, and she sashayed up to me to grab my hoof and walk me to the carriage.

“Don’t you start.” I thwapped her rump with a wing as I tried to put my game face back on, the two of us squeezing into the carriage and closing the door on Dad.

Outta sight. Outta mind. Just be cool and— Nightmother above, her lips are soft.

“Five years and you still sometimes squirm~” The kiss was over far too soon, and she daintily settled down to pat the seat next to her. I rolled my eyes and swooped in to start cuddling her, but the carriage jolted to a start and instead of nestling up against her, I fell atop her. Diamond just laughed as I blushed, her head craning up to kiss me again, and that was all the encouragement I needed to stay for a while. Time seemed to stop as we melted in each other's hooves, and I barely let Diamond pull her head back to gasp for breath before I dragged her back in with a growl.

“Squirming one minute, strong and confident the next. I never do know which one I prefer~” Diamond giggled breathily as she pulled back again, and this time I allowed her to catch her breath as I shifted a bit to better wrap my hooves and wings around her.

Screw the blankets. Blankets were like straws—for wimps.

Pulling the thermos from the fridge normally reserved for champagne, I grinned as Diamond shivered from the chill mountain air, and I poured her a cup we could nurse together. She fit me better than my armor as she snuggled close, her head nuzzling up into the crook of my neck and the top of her head resting under my chin.

“Have I ever told you just how lucky I am?” Diamond purred from beneath me, sipping at our hot chocolate as we peeked out of the window to watch Canterlot wind ever closer. Circling the mountain again and again in the sunset, the spires of the castle gleamed as they poked between several fiery clouds all ablaze with the hungry sun’s dying light.

“You have.” I squeezed her and chuckled. “On more than one occassion. Some might call it boasting.” I nipped her ear even as she elbowed me. “Why are you lucky this time, Princess?”

“I’m lucky to have a marefriend as large as an ursa,” Diamond tittered, her tail swishing side to side and tickling me. “She has this wonderful, warm, shaggy coat and these elephant wings that make the perfect blankets; she’s like a big, old, giant teddy bear.”

“I’d prefer to be a grizzly bear.” With a rumbling growl, I squeezed her tight again.

Diamond laughed and squeezed my forelegs back. “Too bad. You’re the knight. I’m the princess, and by my decree you are the perfect teddy bear.”

“Bears are known to eat ponies when hungry enough. Don’t make me prove my point~”

“Oh? Prove your point how? I dare you to carry through on that, Dame Nightingale~” Confronting me with the most sinfully tempting fluttering of eyes, Diamond pouted at me with enough force to send my heart racing faster than a falling star. My face burned as I squirmed, and I murmured something unintelligible even to me as I curled tight around Diamond.

“That’s what I thought.” She flicked me with her tail and tittered, content with cuddling in silence until we finally rose high enough to coast over the city.

“Diamond, I—”

“Don’t apologize for something I’ve already said is fine.”

“But I—”

“I am fine with nothing but cuddles and kisses and snuggles.” Diamond shifted in my grip to turn away from the window, looking up at me and only me as we coasted over the city. “Seriously, how many colts and fillies do you think are actually getting any at school?”

“Scoots and Rumble—” I squirmed as she pecked my lips.

“—are as wild as they’ve always been. They don’t count.”

“Button and Sweetie—” There she went again. Why must her lips be so temptingly soft?

“—are in the same boat we are. Only action Sweetie gets is when she rolls for persuasion.”

“You want more, though.” It was a statement, not a question, as I frowned at her.

“I also want to be an alicorn princess.” My marefriend tweaked my nose with a smile. “And unlike that particular dream, I know getting my knight in shadowed armor is possible, so don’t apologize. I wasn’t even serious, not with your Dad right outside.”

“You… weren’t?” I blinked.

“Night, there are few ponies more capable of making you squirm like a five year old, cootie-infested filly other than your parents.” Diamond deadpanned as she poked my chest. “I’m not stupid enough to expect any real moves from you whenever your parents are in a two mile radius of us. Just like how you’re not stupid enough to make a move on me while we’re setting hoof on Daddy’s mansion. In fact, your parents are even spookier than my dad, cause I don’t know how they know. How many times has your dad ‘accidentally’ shown up on our dates with a camera?”

“More than either of us know.” I blushed. “I’m too afraid to open up the newest scrap books and find out.”

“Exactly.” Diamond patted my chest. “So don’t worry about it. If it ever becomes an issue, I’ll tell you and we’ll talk about it.”

“And by talk, you mean you’ll throw yourself at me.” I couldn’t help but smirk.

“What can I say?” She smirked right back. “I get what I want, even if I’ve gotta take it~”

“Why, Princess, that sounds almost downright criminal~” Nuzzling my marefriend, I inhaled the scent of her perfume and squeezed her tight.

“You know your princess has a spotted past.” With a laugh, Diamond turned to look back out the window. “Mmmm… It’s too bad the carriage ride has to end. Any other surprises for me, my knight?”

“Dinner and a stroll through the park.” I kissed the back of her head and nibbled an ear as I watched Dad take his sweet time to coast over the city and circle the spires of Canterlot Castle. The lamps in the streets were flickering to life with the moonrise, and we watched the streets below as ponies trotted about on their business.

With a jolt, we landed back on the street, and the rickety sound of wooden wheels on cobblestone filled the cabin as Dad landed to take us down the old town streets. Grungy, little houses passed on each side, smoke rising from their teeny-tiny chimneys, and the sorts of ponies we passed were much more… down to earth than the ponies around the castle.

It was probably not the sort of place Mr. Rich had in mind when I told him I was taking his daughter on a carriage ride through Canterlot, but Canterlot was Canterlot was Canterlot—even the slums were dainty. It might look rough, but the ponies who lived here didn’t have a bad bone in their bodies, and there was more chance of getting mugged in the noble district where thieves sometimes went on holiday to make it rich.

The slums didn’t have money or good looks, but they did have heart and more importantly they had food. The smells currently assaulting my nose put Restaurant Row to shame. They beat their way into my brain, and mugged me of all thought and reason. Strong zebra spices, foreign kirin teas, and pungent minotaur cheeses were but a small slice of the aromas wafting over from the main market place.

As we passed a shady looking alley—well hidden from the gaze of passing daydwellers—my nostrils flared at the salty smack of hippogriff fish and the rich iron tang of bloody griffon meats. I licked my chops at the scent, almost shivering at how fresh it smelled.

We weren’t even near the ocean! How?!

The carriage carried on, however, old scents swiftly replaced with new ones and I grinned as Diamond stirred beneath me. Her nose twitched in time with mine as I finally got a whiff of our destination—the smell of rising dough and bubbling cheese punching its way through the already overwhelming sea of aromas—and we both couldn’t help but moan at the heavenly scent of pizza incarnate.

“Pulling out all the stops, aren’t you, Night?” Diamond blushed from her rather unladylike reaction, slugging me in the shoulder as she laughed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I nipped her ear in retaliation as I chuckled. “No trip to Canterlot is complete without a trip to the Greasy Wheel.”

The restaurant was a small, unassuming wood and brick dive with barely room for a dozen ponies to fit around the four ancient looking tables. Eight more could squeeze in at the bar, though a glance through the kitchen door revealed enough brick ovens to feed a small legion as delivery pegasi and thestrals constantly flew in and out the back.

The dangling lights flickered as we entered, and I grinned at seeing my favorite grease stain still spotting the ceiling from when Dad and I had first brought Silver Fang. Poor colt had gotten spooked by Fat Gastone, and banged his head on the tray so hard the pizza had stuck to the ceiling.

“Buon giorno!” My voice filled the tiny space and then some, easily drowning out the bell and startling the old buzzard himself from his book behind the bar.

The big bird himself was as round as ever, easily earning his name with how he jiggled with every merry little move. He was a good-natured griffon who would chuckle at even the worst of jokes, and that often left him laughing so much that one would be hard-pressed to think of a time when his jowls were ever still. Even reading alone behind the bar, chuckle after chuckle had left his belly struggling to catch up with his mirth.

“Night, Night! Che piacere vederti!” It wouldn’t surprise me if Gastone set off a few richter scales as he stood tall to waddle around the corner and squeeze the stuffing out of me. “It has been far too long, Stellina! I see you brought your darling, little Principessa this time.”

“It’s date night, and I’m stuck shadowing the guard in a couple hours.” I chuckled as I hugged the big lug back. “Figured I’d pay for a carriage, fly her up, see the sights. You know, the works.”

“Ah, and no date is complete without the best of meals, no?” The griffon slapped my back and I nearly stumbled from the sheer amount of weight behind it. “Come, come! Let ol’ Fat Gastone roll out the reddest of carpets for you! For you, Stellina, I would even soak it in the blood of your enemies!”

“Excuse me, but I’d rather not ruin my hooficure, thank you very much.”

I snorted out a laugh as Diamond deadpanned harder than a skillet to the face. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary, Fat. Night Guard still your biggest customers?” With a grin, I followed our host to the corner table and pulled out a seat for Diamond. She tittered and pecked my cheek before sitting with grace, and I sauntered over to my own seat as Fat went to grab some things from behind the bar.

“Oh, they are more than mere customers, Stellina. They are the blood and soul of this restaurant by this point.” He gestured around the sleazy, grease-stained room as he pulled out an iron-colored tablecloth and several candelabras. “I woulda been forced to sell out long, long ago if not for the steady stream of late-night deliveries. Instead, I managed to put five chicks through school and save enough to retire years early. Just been waiting to make sure I’ve got a good replacement.”

As his chuckles intensified, so did the earthshaking jiggles. “A shame the business wasn’t in my blood, but Full Moon is as good as family, so good I mostly manage the bar at this point.”

Glancing at the one other thestral silently enjoying a slice in the gloom of the other corner, I arched my brow. “Is that so? Well, you better give me and my mare the real deal tonight. We came for an authentic Greasy Wheel.”

“Now, now. The lad’s on track to be a far greater chef than I.” Gastone belted out a booming laugh as he tossed the table cloth over our table. “Those booty doodles let you little ponies cheat!” Puffing his chest out, he bowed. “As you asked, however, I would be most glad to prepare yours myself!” A box of matches was pulled from one of his massive apron’s many pockets to light the candles, and a pair of menus was placed before us as he beamed. “I eagerly await your decision.”

Picking up the menu, I looked it over before peeking up to glance at Diamond. She was chewing her lip as she looked down, face scrunched in the most adorable way, and while I could see the resemblance between her and her wicked mother, on her there was always this… softness? Elegance?

She truly was the fairest in all the land.

Her wavy mane hung just so, while her hooficure sparkled and shined even after touching the grungy, grease-stained rug. From head to hoof, she held herself with true nobility; she deserved that dainty tiara crowning her head.

“You know, if you’re hungry for something else, we can always go someplace else~” Diamond looked up too fast for me to react, smirking as she saw my face flush with heat. “You don’t seem interested in the menu. Any idea what you want?”

“I… Uhh…” I swallowed, hard. “I was thinking we could maybe get a medium deep dish with tofu and mushrooms?”

Diamond frowned as she arched her brow and leaned forward. “Really, Night? You hate tofu.”

Shaking my head, I smirked. “But you love it. I’m tough. I can take it— Hey! What was that for?!”

“For being a chivalrous, masochistic, pig.” Diamond slugged my shoulder again. “How many times do I need to tell you to not be stupid like that?”

“It’s not stupid; it’s heroic.” Grinning at the mare across from me, I closed the distance to peck her on the cheek. “But fine, you got a better idea?”

Diamond’s grin was almost wicked as she sat back. “Pepperoni and mushrooms. Oh! No, better! We’ll get ‘The Works’!”

“Uhhhh… Diamond?” I coughed.

“Shush.” She booped my snoot. “I know darn well this place serves meat-lovers first. We’re gonna ask for half vegetarian, and it’ll all be mixed up so neither of us know who’s getting what. I don’t know when I’m—” Her cheeks puffed out a bit as she gagged. “—eating pork, and you won’t know when you’re breaking your sacred, batty traditions.”

Smiling with a grin broad enough to split my head, I reached my hoof out to hold hers, entwining our tails beneath the table. “Has anypony ever told you that you’re a devious and evil witch?”

“I try.” Fluttering her eyes as she tittered, Diamond grinned right back as she took our tails and gently brushed my flank. “Usually, I’m just called a bi—”

“Ohohohoho! Two lovebirds ready to take flight; I am guessing you two are ready, then? Or would you care for some more time to decide?” Gastone chuckled and winked as Diamond pouted at him. “Do not worry, Principessa, I am merely getting the order out of the way to give you two the privacy you deserve. Once placed, there won’t be another word from this bird.” 

“Mrgmrff… fine.” Diamond’s scowl was more adorable than anything as she set down the menu to glare up at the griffon four times her weight. “We’ll take a medium deep-dish pie with ‘The Works.’ Make half of the pepperoni and sausage vegetarian, but spread it all out evenly if that makes sense?”

Gastone’s chuckles actually stopped as he arched his brow. “You plan on eating the meat, signora?

“I’ve eaten at Night’s more than enough to get used to eating insects.” Diamond gave a small yet haughty sniff as she delicately raised her nose a fraction of an inch. “I’m sure I can handle a bit of pork.”

Fat blinked bemusedly for a moment or two before turning to me with a full belly-shaking laugh and a clap to the back so powerful I let out a screep and nearly fell out of my chair. “You keep this one, Stellina! Haha! She’s a rare, rare catch!” He grinned down at me as he scribbled on his notepad. “What kind of vegetarian pepperoni and sausage would you prefer? We have two types—one tofu-based, one not. I seem to recall you hating tofu, so—”

“Tofu will be fine.” My smile wasn’t quite wide enough to hide my grimace. “Diamond loves the stuff.”

Diamond rolled her eyes, but didn’t object beyond snapping our still entwined tails against my flank with a teeny-tiny whip crack.

“And the pepperoni and sausage itself, then?” Gastone nodded, still dutifully scribbling away. “I have the usual thestral substitute, of course—only the freshest of sago grubs—but I do keep the real stuff on talon for myself and any special occasions.”

“Give us the real deal.” Diamond spoke before I could even open my mouth. “Tonight’s a big step for her, after all.”

“As you wish! Now, I shall make tonight a date to remember for the both of you!” Ruffling his feathers and giving a faux salute so fake and corny it made me roll my eyes, Fat waddled off to squeeze through the kitchen door with a pop.

“He didn’t ask about drinks.” I arched my brow. “Should we be worried?”

“About what?” Diamond tapped a hoof on the table as she smiled across it at me. One of her hind legs stretched beneath the table to casually pet my flank, while her tail tightened its grip on mine.

“Dunno.” I shrugged and made sure to keep my breathing steady and measured. “I just feel like I’m forgetting some— Ah, horseapples. I forgot to order something for Dad.”

“Compliments of the house~”

I looked to the kitchen door as Gaston came back through, and caught the briefest glimpse of a familiar fanged grin. My mouth paused as I opened it to order for Dad, and it closed as Gastone swept down on us with a pair of crystal goblets far too pristine to be in a dive like this. Two bottles—one white wine, one rich, iron bloodwine—were popped, breathed, poured, and set in a bucket of ice. My nose twitched at the sweet and sticky fragrance, not the most expensive, but still a bit of a splurge.

The bottles were followed by a small bowl of delicate white cubes mixed with darker swirls, and while I was loath to step into Dad’s trap, Gastone was already gone. I picked up a single cube and licked my lips as I brought it closer, nostrils flaring as I caught the scent of cinnamon. Popping it in my mouth, I nearly choked in surprise as the taste of salt and sugar was added to the mix, and I quickly coughed it back up into my hooves to glare at the kitchen door.

“It would seem your dad has not forgotten you.” Diamond giggled as she picked up a cube to daintily sniff and lick it. The small shiver it sent down her spine sent a similar shiver down mine, and I forced myself to relax and enjoy the sinful little present.

“At least it’s not a whole salt block.” There would be time for retribution later, when I told Mom and she took him to the ring. Well, unless telling her got me in trouble? It was never a good idea to get salted before duty.

“It’s a pretty good mix, actually. Better than the stuff we get at the parties back home.”

“Diamond, dear, I love you, but if you could not bring up Apple Bloom’s barn raves right now?”

“Awww, what’s the matter? Afraid the guard is gonna walk in and hear your dark and shady past?” Sometimes my marefriend’s smirks were legit scary.

“Well… yes, actually.” I rubbed the back of my head grinning sheepishly.

“Then shut up and kiss me.” She leaned forward, eyelashes fluttering. The leg beneath the table turned its caressing up to eleven; her tail seemed tartarus-bent on pulling me under the table, and I could hear both our hearts racing as she toyed with me.

Between her and my dad, I was done being played for the night, and I growled as I reached out to pull her across the table to me for a long, tongue-filled kiss. She melted against me as I all but sucked her face off, and I left her winded and gasping for breath.

“You mean like that?” I rumbled, half-scowling, half-smirking, and the smirk only grew as my marefriend mewled incoherently. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Damn, Fang. Why don’t you kiss me like that?”

I turned to the door, brow arching as I opened my mouth to tell the latest interlopers to bugger off, but paused when I saw who was standing in the doorway. “Echo? Fang?”

“In the flesh, screeheehee! Fancy meeting you here, old friend.”