C-Chara, please wake up. I don’t like t-this plan anymore, I don’t want you to die!
You like chocolate? I think mom keeps some for baking in the kitchen.
Come on, Chara! Do your creepy face!
Yeah, we’ll be best friends forever!
Are you okay? That was a long fall. What’s your name? Chara, huh? That’s a nice name. My name is
“Asriel!”
I screamed as I jerked awake, feeling something small and light go flying off my chest. My hand reached out to grab him, only to see he wasn’t really there. Asriel wasn’t there, I wasn’t in The Underground. Instead, I was in someone’s bedroom, someone who apparently lived with birds, judging from the amount of birdhouses and nests on the roof beams. There was a fireplace on the left side of the room unlike any I'd seen before, various large and small windows with bright light shining through them that told me it was early in the day, and the floor was made out of wood with one dark red carpet at the foot of the bed.
My breathing was heavy and I couldn’t get my heartbeat under control, I retracted my arm and placed it against my face as I closed my eyes. “Just a dream. I can...dream again, huh? That’s good to know.” Images of Asriel’s face with tears running down it as he carried my corpse to my old village, just to get struck down, coming back to The Underground and dying right in front of his own parents flashed in my mind. I clutched the blanket on my legs tightly as regret reared its ugly head, unwilling to let me forget.
“Or maybe a nightmare.”
I flinched as I heard a thudding noise, raising my head to see a...rabbit? It was against the wall across from me and picking itself up. It must have been that thing that launched off of me when I sprang forward like that, was it sleeping on me? It was about half a foot tall, snow white fur with a fluffy round tail and pointy ears. Unlike any rabbit I’d ever seen before, it stood primarily on its back legs, crossing its arms and giving me a very upset and distinct scowl.
He stuck his tongue out at me and opened a door, slamming it behind him as I could make out his tiny, rapid footsteps descending down what sounded like a flight of stairs.
I had to pinch my cheek to double check that I wasn’t dreaming; everything I have seen in this world had been so surreal so far, even compared to The Underground. I took the chance to examine my own body, surprised by how uninjured I was, besides some soreness in my...everything.
I was still in the same clothes as before, with the blood stain on the shoulder of my shirt. I peered down at my hands, strangely, there was not even a slight scratch from the dozens of splinters that had dug into them earlier. Made only stranger without any bandages on them, or anywhere on my body. A headache reminded me I was still alive, sure, but there was no lingering pain at all.
Did everything with those wood dogs actually happen? What about that thing that showed up at the end and saved me? Was I healed by them or something? The longer I was in this place, the more questions I had and the more confused I get.
I heard rapid footsteps again, though these were different. They were louder, and...denser? They didn’t quite sound like normal footsteps, I couldn't place it.
The door swung open, revealing the same person that saved me last night, I could tell since her fur was the exact same shade of pale yellow. Now that I wasn’t on the brink of unconsciousness and my body didn’t feel like I was the pack’s chew toy, I could make out her features more. She wasn’t as tall as I thought she was, actually just a few inches above me. Then again, I was delirious when I first saw her.
She had wings on her back that were currently extended out to the sides and big enough to probably cover my entire body. She had pink hair much longer and straighter than mine. A thick green shirt covered every inch of her torso except for her hands, and I assume wing holes, along with a long blue skirt that reached her ankles. Since I could see her feet now, which were hooves, I knew she was a horse person like that trio earlier, and that was why her footsteps sounded different. Or hoofsteps, I guess?
“Oh my gosh, you’re awake! Are you ok? Don’t move, I asked Twilight to heal you but I’m pretty sure you’re still really sore. Does it hurt anywhere? Do you need anything?” She bombarded me with incessant questions like Toriel whenever I or Asriel hurt ourselves after playing, her concern was obvious in her voice as her eyes: cyan and as wide as saucers.
I might have called her Toriel because I was delirious and very possibly on the edge of resetting, but seeing her like this made me realize she really was like her. Some part of me was expecting her to call me ‘my child’ in that sweet voice only Toriel could have, but I think I’d break down crying if she did.
She was beside the bed in a second, her legs momentarily leaving the ground as her wings fluttered. I confirmed long hair sucked for everyone else as much as me when her curtain like hair, or mane since they’re horses, fell down and covered most of her face as she tried to tuck as much of it as she could behind her ears, which wasn’t much.
“I’m...fine. Grateful to be alive, honestly.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? I can check your shou-”
“No!” I shouted out when she reached for me. I did it without even thinking about it, like a reflex. I turned my face away from her, but I could make out the surprised expression on her face.
My hands were shaking and I felt tense, I tried my best to hide it, but I think she could tell.
“No, please, you’ve done enough.” My voice was meek, a strange sense of foreboding came over me at the thought of being touched. It was familiar, I could vaguely remember being the same way with The Dreemurr family when I first fell down. It took months before I was ok with it, and even then my body would always tense up at any physical contact with anyone but Asriel, it was involuntary. Even though their goat fur was soft and they were always so gentle when they touched me, even when I touched their arm first and they patted mine in kind, I still went rigid and was briefly filled with fear.
The reason I refused to linger on, the echo of adult voices and the primal fear associated with them was motivation enough for me to think about something else. I clutched the blanket and swallowed the fear, pushing it back down with the rest of the memories I refused to think about.
“You...mentioned that your friend Twilight healed me? Does she have a horn like one of those three?”
I was trying to change the topic. I could tell my outburst made her more concerned about me, but right now that was the last thing I needed. I didn’t want someone as kind as her worried about someone like me. I was also just assuming that they used horns to cast magic, I have no real idea how magic worked here.
“Yes. She is..oh, you remember!” She suddenly perked up, leaning closer to me. “They wouldn’t stop talking about you! You really saved them!”
“No, I really didn’t, I just bought time. If it wasn’t for the fact that you showed up, those wood dogs would have devoured me.”
“Wood Dogs?” she asked as she tilted her head. “Are you talking about the timberwolves? Did you not know what they were?”
“That’s…” I felt a bit of embarrassment as my cheeks turned a bit redder than normal, that name made mine seem stupid in comparison. “That name is way better than mine.”
I’ve always been kind of bad with names, I think I got it from Asgore.
“Now that you bring it up...what kind of animal are you? I’ve never seen a species like yours, and you speak a lot more fluently than almost any critter I know except for Angel.”
She...thinks I’m an animal of some kind? Well, the only things I’ve seen so far that could talk were horse people, which made me think that whatever place I’ve ended up in was dominated by them just like how humans dominated the previous one. That wasn’t too strange to me considering I was raised by talking goats. Which also implied that humans didn’t exist in this world if she didn’t recognize me as one, I couldn’t deny that thought made me a bit happy.
“I’m a human.”
“A human? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that...where are you from?” She moved a bit closer to try to hear me better, a lot more interested in me than I thought was normal.
“I…” Crap, I haven't had time to think of a backstory! I’ve been so busy with things that I didn’t actually think of a lie to tell them if they asked. The truth wasn’t an option, they’d throw me right back onto the forest if they knew anything about me or my species, not to mention I’m not even sure how I got here.
I stayed silent as I tried to come up with something, appreciating that she was either nice or patient enough to wait for me. “I’m...not sure, I think I have amnesia or something. I just kind of woke up in the middle of that forest and ran towards them when I heard them scream, I have no idea why or how I got there.”
Well, that was half true. I just had to hope she's naïve enough to believe me, I've never been particularly good at lying. She brought her hands to her mouth as her eyebrows knitted together and her eyes widened, I recognized it instantly as sympathy; it was the same look Toriel gave me when she first saw me.
This horse woman might not have been a goat, but her personality reminded me more and more of hers the longer we talk.
“That’s so sad...so you don’t know where your family is or anything? Your species must be really smart since you’re wearing clothes, they’re probably looking for you as we speak!” She exclaimed, a much more slack expression on her face as she rested her hands on the bed beside my legs.
I couldn’t stop myself from sharply inhaling at the word ‘family’, my eyes half closing as I lowered my head. They weren’t looking for me at all, they’d moved on, taken Frisk in as their new child. How could I blame them?
I killed their only child in a selfish, stupid revenge scheme.
I pushed Asgore to declare war on humanity and start killing children that fell down, destroying their marriage and creating an unclosable gap between them.
If they knew I was alive, why would they ever look for me?
“No...I don’t.” I mumbled after a few tense seconds, trying to squeeze my eyes as tightly as I could to push down the memories. “Is it...normal for animals to talk?”
I tried to change the topic once more. Judging from the bird nest in her house, how curious she was about me because she thought of me as an undiscovered animal species, and that I’m fairly sure that rabbit from earlier was her personal pet, she really likes animals.
“Oh no, not at all. Which is really sad because they like to talk, but ponies generally can’t understand them. I have a special talent where I can talk to them, but it's mostly very small words. That’s why I’m so impressed with how fluently you’re speaking, Angel the only one I’ve met that can speak as well as any pony.”
She explained with admiration in her voice, I’m not sure if I should be proud or not that I could speak as well as an animal named Angel.
‘Pony’. So they were ponies specifically? I didn't know the difference between a pony and a horse, but I guess I’d just call them ponies too and they’d correct me if I was wrong.
“Uhm...Are you sure you’re the only one who has it? Those kids understood me pretty well.”
At least, I think they were kids. Seeing the pony in front of me and seeing how much more physically mature she was compared to them suggested that, or I could be wrong.
“They...could? Are you sure?”
She spoke in a genuinely surprised tone of voice, and a hint of disappointment. I’m not sure if that meant she's surprised or disappointed by the fact that she wasn’t the only one who I could talk to.
“Pretty sure, yeah. Also, how did you get their alpha to listen to you like that? It was dead set on eating me whole until you showed up.”
I chose not to mention that it did in fact eat me whole before. I don’t think telling them about my save/load ability would be a good idea, for a lot of reasons. The biggest one being that if they knew I could reset and do whatever I liked with none of them being the wiser, it’d make it near impossible to get them to trust me, whether I actually did anything or not.
They’d have every right to be suspicious. Sans didn’t trust Frisk for the same reason, and he was terrifyingly right.
“It wasn’t really that hard. They were only attacking because you went too far into the forest and they were afraid you’d hurt their home, I’m more surprised you didn't get attacked by any sooner. Timberwolves are just guardians of The Everfree Forest, if you’d just left you would have been fine. I’ll make sure to give those three a stern talking too about going that deep, they had us worried sick!”
Her voice took on a stern tone, probably a very similar one to when she lectured the alpha. She placed her hand on her chest and let out a deep sigh, her body noticeably relaxing. “I’m just glad you didn’t wander off to somewhere more dangerous, like Froggy Bottom Bog.”
I couldn’t help but smile a bit at how silly that name sounded. The Everfree Forest was kind of cool, Froggy Bottom Bog just made me think of a pond with a bunch of frogs. “What’s so dangerous about that place?”
“Well, it’s hard to move around because of how much water there is, but what makes it scary is a Hydra that lives there. He’s never hurt a pony or anything, but a lot of animals I’ve talked to are terrified of it and are too scared to go anywhere near there because of it.”
At the mention at the Hydra, I felt my blood run cold and my heart stopped as the color drained from my face. In the chaos of everything, I had almost forgotten about my first death, perhaps I was trying to.
The raw, petrifying fear it struck into me was enough to make my entire body break into a cold sweat. I would've liked to think of it as nothing more than a nightmare, but it was so vivid! I could almost feel the pain in my limbs again, hearing the sound of my bones crunching and flesh tearing as they ripped me apart, covered in my own vomit tears and pee as I was unable to do anything but scream and beg.
I lurched forward as the urge to throw up hit thanks the nauseating terror that threatened to overwhelm me. I brought both of my hands to my mouth, forcing it to stay closed.
“What’s wrong? Are you ok?”
She asked desperately, panicking as she jumped forward, one hand rubbing my back and another on my shoulder as she tried to comfort me, ignoring the fact that I made it obvious I didn’t like being touched to try to help me. I wasn’t upset either, nor was I as bothered by the contact as I would normally be; I was too concentrated on trying not to upchuck whatever little there was in my stomach on the bed she’d let me rest in, which I’m fairly sure was her own.
Once I calmed myself, or at least wasn’t on the edge of spewing my stomach contents out of my mouth, I tossed the blanket off and hung my legs over the other side as I stood up and shrugged off her hands. It hurt in my lower back particularly to get to my feet, but I grit my teeth and dealt with it, feeling the necklace dangle as I did.
I grabbed it as my lips curled into a hollow smirk, bringing all the good memories it reminded me of to mind, and ignoring the bad ones. “I’m fine, just…” I ran my thumb over the delta rune symbol engraved on the front, scoffing at my past self that genuinely believed I was the one meant to save them. “Stomach cramps. I think I need to eat something. Sorry for worrying you.”
“That…” I didn’t need to turn around to tell she didn’t believe a word I’d just said, I could almost taste the skepticism in her voice. “Makes sense. You’ve been asleep for over a day, I don’t know when the last time you ate was.”
She's choosing to believe my obvious lie, or at least wasn’t going to push it right now. It set in a few seconds later what she said. I swiftly turned to face her, mouth my dropping in disbelief. “I’ve been asleep for a day?! How d-”
“Fluttershy? Are you up there?”
I was interrupted by a voice coming from downstairs, distinctly feminine and a little higher pitched. The first part sounded like a name, which I guessed was the name of the pony in front of me.
I kind of felt bad now, I’d forgotten to even ask her name.
“That’s Twilight. I had Angel go tell her you’re awake, she wanted to ask you some questions. If…” She straightened her body and twiddled her thumbs, her hair covering half of her face and leaving only one eye visible, which was looking away from me like she was too afraid to make eye contact. “You don’t mind, that is.”
Her voice was much more meek now, making me see the ‘shy’ part of her name. I was admittedly nervous about answering questions, my lying skills had always been mediocre and I’m sure there were things they’d ask me I hadn’t thought about. This Twilight is the same one that healed me too, and since I knew next to nothing about how the magic in this world worked, she could have a spell or something that can see through lies.
But, at the same time, saying I didn’t want to be asked any questions would just make them suspicious of me. I needed them to trust me, that was the only way I would be able to learn about this world I’m in and try to find out how and why I was sent here.
“I don’t mind. As long as she doesn’t mind if I ask her a few too. I don’t really know anything except my name.”
“And...what is your name?”
Now I felt worse, I had totally forgotten to give her my name. I wasn’t going to use a fake one, way more hassle than it was worth.
“Sorry for not saying it earlier.” I said as I extended my hand. “Greetings. I’m Chara Dreemurr, th-” I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying the rest of that. I’d become so used to introducing myself like that to Frisk that it’d become something like a reflex. I didn’t know if they had anything like demons in this world, but saying I am one couldn’t have been good.
Even if it were true, they didn’t need to know that. This world was a chance to start again. I didn’t deserve a second chance, not one bit, but I got one anyways. I was going to bury every bit of my past.
Fluttershy didn’t seem to notice, reaching her hand out to meet mine, but stopping just before my fingers. “I...thought you didn’t like being touched?”
The fake smirk that I’d perfected dropped. “I normally don’t. But...handshakes are fine.”
“...Alright.” She hesitantly shook my hand, her grip was so weak and her hands were so soft. “My name is Fluttershy. It’s nice to meet you!”
If my heart was made out of pure ice, that smile she gave me would have melted it and I would have died on the spot. It was so small, little more than a slight uplift of the corners of her lips, not even showing any teeth. However, it was so genuine and kind, tender and gentle like everything else about her. The type of smile to make all my worries go away, to make all my problems seem like nothing.
She was so nice to animals, and even me. She's more than just a pony, she's Mother Nature herself. I swore to myself in that moment that I would protect her no matter what. I couldn’t save Toriel, the mother who gave me everything, but I could protect her, the mother who's giving me a second chance.
After I recovered from that, she led me down the stairs, keeping her eyes on me and staying close in case I fell. While every step caused a flash of dull pain in my lower back, it wasn’t something I couldn’t ignore, and I made it down without issue.
Fluttershy’s living room was about what I expected; bird houses and cages, a door where the top and bottom were separate for animals to get through, a very small bed for smaller animals that had various pillows, and a pile of animal food in the corner. A green chair and couch, and a large rug were in the center. I found it a bit strange that there were no actual animals around. Maybe she asked them to stay outside? Depending on what those three said to Fluttershy, she could think I’m dangerous.
Which, in all honesty, I was.
I could see she had a separate room for the kitchen, but I was paying more attention to the new pony person in the room. She was roughly my height give or take, a pale purple coat and dark blue mane that was short and straight, combed forward in something pretty similar to a bowl cut. A single streak of it purple and bright pink like a highlight, with an identical one in her tail.
That was actually the first time I saw their tails, I glanced at Fluttershy and saw she had one too that matched her mane. Not sure how I missed that before, maybe I'm just not as observant as Frisk was.
She was wearing a thick, brown sweater and long pants, a horn like the one I saw on the white one before protruding from her forehead, though this one was the same color of her coat. She was wearing shoes, which made sense since she was in someone else’s house. That did beg a question though: Do they just call them normal shoes, or horseshoes?
“Oh, hello! It’s good to see you awake. I was worried my healing magic wouldn’t work properly. I hate to admit it, but restoration is my weakest school.”
She gave me a nervous grin, her arms awkwardly hiding behind her.
“Other than some annoying soreness, I’m ok. You did a pretty good job, I think.”
Her eyes widened and mouth opened and closed a couple times wordlessly, her ears pricking up a bit. “You...you can talk?”
“Yeah.”
She was in front of me in an instant, a sparkle in her eyes and a smile that reached from ear to ear, absolutely overjoyed at the fact that I could talk to her. “This changes everything! If your species can talk, then does that mean you have your own language? Do you live out somewhere in the woods and have remained hidden until now? Where did you come from? Why can yo-”
I tuned out her questions as I realized that she was that kind of person. This pony had a strong sense of curiosity, similar to Gaster but hopefully she wasn’t the mad scientist type like him. He had always been enthusiastic about his experiments, almost always to the point of foregoing morals. As long as she didn’t have some scientific stuff in her basement that she ran experiments in, I wasn’t going to waste my time worrying about it.
“Hold on, can you please slow down?” I asked as I put both my hands out in front of me. “I don’t mind being asked questions, I’d just prefer if you kept it at a slower pace I can keep up with. Also, do you mind if I ask some? I...have amnesia and don’t really know much of anything, about this world or even how I showed up in those woods.”
I could see the disappointment on her face, her energy leaving her like air from a popped balloon. “Oh...well, I was hoping to learn more about your species, but it's not your fault if you have amnesia. However, since Fluttershy doesn’t have to translate for us, there’s something I’d like to ask you to do. Can you…” She glanced to the side, a slight blush on her cheeks as she awkwardly twiddled her thumbs. “Take off your clothes?”
I raised my eyebrows, confused as to why she’d ask me that. I'm glad she was somewhat more willing to believe my blatant lie than Fluttershy was, but I was also concerned she might see me more as a scientific thing to study than an actual person. I got enough of that treatment from a certain distorted skeleton.
“Why?” I asked as I turned to Fluttershy, who had been extremely quiet and was resembling a turtle hiding in its shell, but with her mane. She was just standing beside me and watching nervously from the one eye poking out, maybe she was really shy around other ponies but not animals? That would explain why she was like this now but not earlier when she thought I was an animal and someone else was here.
“Well, when I was healing you, I discerned that you had some big differences anatomy wise, but were still really like us in a lot of ways. I was just curious about it. If you don’t want to, I’ll understand.”
I wasn't not entirely sure why she was making a big deal about it, was it considered embarrassing in this world for others to see you with less clothes? It was never a problem when Azzy and I took baths together. Then again, It was hard to say if I could use them as a point of reference, they understood humans about as well as humans understood monsters before they threw them in that mountain and put up that barrier.
“I don’t mind. Just…don’t touch me, I don’t like being touched.”
She shot me a strange look, her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth pursed curiously. Her lips parted as she was about to speak, but her eyes turned to the left like she noticed something, and she abruptly closed her mouth. I followed her eyesight to Fluttershy, who receded further into her hair.
Twilight spoke suddenly and a bit forced, like she was trying to pull my attention to her. “That’s ok, I’m a visual learner anyway. You only have to take off your shirt, pants, and shoes, not your underwear, if you’re wearing any.”
I was a little suspicious, but I decided not to question it. Not now, at least. Admittedly, I was a bit curious about my new body myself. Other than being heavier, taller, and having to deal with annoyingly long hair that kept getting into my eyes no matter how many times I pushed it behind my ears, I didn’t really know anything.
I grabbed my shirt by the bottom and lifted it over my head, laying it gently on the ground as I intended to put it back on, I didn’t have anything else to wear. My pants and shoes followed, it was honestly relieving to be able to take them off and relax after what happened before.
The bra I'm wearing was bright yellow, and felt like there was a small hook of some kind attached at the back that kept it on. The underwear went down to my upper thigh and was dark green, strangely the same colors of my shirt, minus the striped pattern.
“Huh. So you don’t have a coat at all?” Twilight asked curiously, walking forward and leaning over. “You have a belly button, so you’re definitely a mammal. Then why don’t you have any fur anywhere? You have breasts, but no tail?”
She was mumbling to herself, barely audible and definitely wasn’t expecting me to actually answer her, not like I could. The spiral horn on her head lit up with a raspberry aura, the satchel on her side that I hadn’t noticed until now opening up, a book and a pen floating out of it shrouded in the same color. The book opened to a random page and the pen began writing, following Twilight around as she moved and talked.
I couldn’t help but be astonished by this. Telekinesis had always been a really interesting ability to me, and I’ve only seen it used a few times. Even then, I’d only seen it used to lift objects, I’d never even thought of using it to write. Either magic in this world could do a lot more complex things than I thought, or she's extremely good at multitasking. Whatever the case, it was an amazing spectacle to see.
“So...can any of you use magic? Or is it just unicorns?” I said the last part hesitantly. Unicorn was something from my world told in myths, I had no way of knowing if that word existed here or not.
“That’s...a complicated question with a complex answer. Most subscribe to The Universal Magic theory, which states that all three kinds of ponies can use magic. Earth ponies can use magic that makes them stronger and better at things like farming, Pegasi can manipulate weather, and Unicorns can do more advanced things like teleportation, levitation, etc. Though I’ve met a few…” The floating pen stopped for a moment as her nose, or muzzle I guess, scrunched up. “Anomalies that don’t apply. One of my friends in particular defies everything I’ve known, sometimes I wonder if she even is a pony or not.”
She went off on a bit of a tangent but didn’t lose any of the passion in her voice, it reminded me a lot of whenever Gaster would ramble about another alternative universe he’d found. Now I knew what they were called, and that there were three of them.
“What about you? Can your kind use magic? I don’t see anything that could be used as a conduit. Actually, do you mind if I check if you have any magical capabilities? I don’t have to touch you to do it, it’ll be like I’m...shining a light on you.”
“...Sure?”
As far as I was aware, I couldn’t use any magic. Only certain bloodlines could, and I don’t think I am a part of any. In a way, I’m relieved that I can’t.
An identical light encompassed my body, as a weird sensation went over me. It was only comparable to the shiver I get whenever I’m really cold and walk into somewhere warm, but in reverse?
“That’s...not a type of magic I recognize. You have traces of conjuration magic, which is rare, but there’s something else there that just feels...wrong. It’s powerful but unnatural, I can tell it doesn’t belong there. Maybe if I…”
The same light enveloped my body, this time carrying a much more forceful weight to it. I was being lifted off the ground, her head tilted to the side as she strained, though it looked more like because she was searching for something rather than struggling to lift me up. I tried to break out of it as a sense of fear and weakness began to wash over me, but it was pointless, like trying to push through the strong winds of a storm.
I began to hyperventilate, becoming afraid so quickly and I wasn’t even sure why. I was only inches off the ground, falling from here wouldn’t have hurt me, so why was I terrified? I shut my eyes and tried to calm down, which was a terrible mistake.
What welcomed me wasn’t darkness, but something much more similar to a lucid dream. I didn’t recognize it at first, having been so long since I was last there that the cylindrical pillars dotting the hallway and yellow-brown checkered floor were only vaguely familiar to me.
My heart dropped when I heard the unmistakable, rapid flashing sound of entering combat, the entirety of The Judgment Hall turning black and white. My hands were covered in a blue light now, not raspberry. The soul rattling sound of the gaster blasters filled my ears as they surrounded me, bones coming out of the ground under me like a pit of death.
Sans stood in front of me, leering at me with his malicious, flashing eye. His right hand hovering beside him, pointer finger and thumb pressed together about to snap. His empty, unforgiving grin prominent. I could never forget the rage behind it.
The last thing I heard before I opened my eyes were the gaster blasters shooting as he snapped his fingers, and I screamed.
“PUT ME DOWN!”
My voice was loud and shrill, putting every raw emotion I could into it. Twilight jumped as the magic vanished, my body falling to the floor with a weak thud. I collapsed to my knees instantly, trembling so violently I couldn’t stand. My heart was beating so hard and loud that it hurt, I clutched my chest as I let out shallow breaths. The pendant dangling from my neck, I tried to focus on it and calm down.
No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop shaking.
Fluttershy was by my side in an instant, trying to hug me with her angelically-soft feathers. It normally would have been comforting, but the sudden contact sent an icy shiver down my spine that shattered my attempts at composing myself. I let out a sharp yelp as I moved away from her, extending my right arm to keep her at a distance and my other still tightly gripping my chest.
“Please, don’t.”
I couldn’t stop my voice from quivering, I sounded so weak and helpless, I hated it. I closed my eyes and began to say ‘it’s not real’ to myself over and over again, trying to remind myself that I wasn’t there anymore. I had seen everything through Frisk’s eyes in that hall, every brutal death they experienced at the clawed hands of that skeleton. I may not have experienced the actual pain, but if I had a body then, I would have thrown up.
However, now that I was alive again, it was different. I’ve experienced death like that, and that made it all the more terrifying.
“I’m…” I don’t know how much time passed before I was relatively calm again, opening my eyes and seeing both of them before me. Fluttershy was worried and Twilight was afraid and guilty, she thought it was her fault. It was, but I couldn’t blame her, I didn’t even know I’d react like that. “Ok now. Don’t ever do that again.”
“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know…” She pouted as her lip quivered, more like a child than however old she was. That gave me the impression that while she's very book smart, she's much less mature. “I’ll...leave, I’m sorry I wasted your time.”
“No. Don’t leave, it’s fine.” I said as I stood to my feet, opening the pendant of my necklace and running my thumb over the ‘Best Friends Forever’ engraved in the center. “It’s not your fault. I just had a bad reaction, let’s just pretend that didn’t happen.”
“Are you sure? We can just do it later.”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I know I just slept for a day, but I feel like I’m going to sleep forever after this, so I’d rather just get it over with.”
I could tell by the concerned expressions on their faces that they didn’t buy that I was ok, and they’d be right. My ears wouldn’t stop ringing and my heart beat was erratic, I couldn’t quite stop shaking either and I just wanted to curl up in a corner, plug up my ears, and scream until I felt better.
I couldn’t do that. No, I refused to do that. For too long I could do nothing but stand by, unable to help the people I cared about, or myself. I was weak, helpless, useless, and just as much of a child as when I first fell down there. I didn’t deserve a second chance, but I got one, and I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes as before. I owed The Dreemurr family that much, even if they hated me now.
“If you’re sure…”
Fluttershy looked like she wanted to say something, but remained silent instead. I was sure she was going to say something when Twilight left, assuming she’d even still want me here.
“So...you said I had conjuration magic? What exactly does that mean?” I tried to get the conversation back on track, my right hand tracing up to my shoulder where I was bit by the Timber wolves. I could tell there were scars there, I guess the healing couldn’t completely get rid of it.
A strange sense of dread filled me as my eyes wandered to my wrist, mixed with a sense of morbid curiosity if that was the first scar on this new body or not.
“Conjuration is...well, It’s hard to explain. Out of all the schools it's the rarest, and no user of it is the same. If I remember correctly…” Her horn emanated that aura again as the pen and book appeared by her head and began writing again, another book coming from her satchel and hovered in her face as the pages flipped. “Ah! ‘Unlike any other kind of magic, a conjuration user cannot use their magic innately, they must attune themselves to it if they’re capable. There seems to be no limit to how complex the things it can create are, one case even showed the ability to make things as complex as a crossbow. There have only been a few dozen recorded cases of a pony being capable of it, and it is impossible to know what one can do until they have become attuned’.”
“Attuned? What does that mean?” I asked as I glanced up at her. I couldn’t describe the tightness in my chest I got after seeing there was nothing on my wrist, something akin to...disappointment. I knew very little about the magic from my world, but that word in particular didn’t make any sense to me. Nor did conjuration. Several monsters could make things appear like projectiles or something, but I had no idea if that was what this was or not.
“It’s a process that I thought was only used when a pony is having trouble with magic. Every now and again, a unicorn will be born but can’t use any kind of magic, and it's usually something to do with them being cut off from their Manik System. Oh, I should probably explain what a Manik system is.” She paused as she closed the book in front of her, putting it back in her satchel effortlessly, though the pen never stopped writing.
“The Manik System is very similar to the central nervous system, but is for the single purpose of using magic, and is concentrated the most in horns of unicorns, wings of a pegasus, and hooves of an earth pony. I wasn’t aware that it could work like that, or that anything other than a pony could have one. Wait, I think this makes me the first pony to discover a species other than a pony who has a Manik System! I could write a thesis about this, or maybe even a book of theories, an-”
“Can you do this attunement thing for me? Or do I need to learn to do it myself?” I had to deal with her type so often that I could practically see the spark in her eyes when she was about to ramble about something that I could only understand every other word of.
“I...suppose I could do it for you. I’m not familiar with the process, it’d take me a day or so to learn to do it.” She tapped her chin as her eyes wandered off to the side.
“I don’t mind waiting, not like I have anything else to do. Problem is, I don’t have anywhere to stay. S-”
“You can stay here.”
The yellow pegasus’ voice was small, but there was a firmness to it that pierced into the conversation.
“...really? You already let me sleep in your bed, I couldn’t ask you to trouble yourself by-”
“No, it's no trouble, no trouble at all. You saved those three, and you don’t have anyone else, there’s no way I could leave you alone after that. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need, as long as you don’t mind the other animals.”
Her kindness was almost smothering, she was so trusting of me that I found it staggering someone hadn't taken advantage of it yet. “I...can’t thank you enough, really. But I insist you sleep in your own bed, I can take the couch.”
She clearly didn’t like that from the way she pursed her lips, but I wasn’t going to give in and I think she could tell that. I walked over to the pile of clothes on the floor, the gaping hole in my shirt much more noticeable now that I wasn’t wearing it.
“I hate to ask for more, but is there somewhere I can get clothes? I don’t have any money, but if you could just lend me one set, I’d be fine.”
“I can talk to Rarity. We have our weekly spa trip together tomorrow. I’m sure she can give you something if I ask her, you did save her sister after all.” She chuckled a bit as she said the last part, bringing her right hand to her mouth.
I didn’t know who Rarity was or why Fluttershy was recommending her, but getting something else from her only worsened my guilt. I didn’t have a problem with how kind she was, my issue was how terrible it made me feel. Healing me, letting me sleep in her bed and her house, giving me new clothes, I didn’t deserve any of this. I only saved those three because it was the only chance I had of getting to any kind of safety, it was for a selfish reason, and I could never repay what she was doing for me now.
“Actually, that reminds me…” Twilight walked up to me, her eyes lowering as she examined me. “While you have all the distinguishing traits of a mammal, you’re the first creature I know of that has a Manik System. You also came from The Everfree Forest: A place known for abnormalities. You had to have come from somewhere, so how does your species reproduce? I think you’re a female, but I’ve heard of a few mammals that can lay eggs.”
“Reproduce?” That was the question that had confused me the most out of anything she’s asked. “What do you mean?”
Twilight’s face scrunched up, I can tell my response worried her for some reason. “How do you produce offspring? You know like...make babies?” She blushed as she broke eye contact, the pen abruptly stopping in the middle of writing.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. ”
Twilight and Fluttershy glanced at each other, the same expression of slow apprehension and concern on their faces. “Chara...how old are you?”
I paused as I tried to recall what age I was when I went to Mt. Ebott. While my body is more developed than it was then, I have no way of telling how old I am now physically, so I'll just go with what age I was then. “Twelve, I think?”
“And you...don’t know where babies come from? Does the word ‘sex’ mean anything to you?”
I’d never heard that word in my life. She could have told me that it was from a different language or that she was pronouncing the number six wrong, and I probably would have believed her. “No?”
“Oh...my.” I heard Fluttershy gasp, both her hands covering her mouth.
“Excuse me, for a second.”
Twilight went over to Fluttershy, the book shutting and the pen going back into the satchel. They turned away from me and began to talk about something, Fluttershy’s voice somehow quieter than usual, though Twilight wasn’t as good at whispering. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but I could make out an occasional word like ‘should’ and ‘tell’.
Since she shut the book, I assumed she was done asking questions, which meant I could put my clothes back on. I wasn’t cold or anything, this place was actually at a really warm temperature, I just didn’t like the feeling of not having clothes on. Sure, it was relaxing to take them off every now and again, but staying that way too long made me feel...vulnerable.
I was in the middle of slipping my shirt back on when their muffled chattering stopped, both of them facing me again. Fluttershy fidgeted uncomfortably, trying to look anywhere but at me.
“Um, Chara,” Twilight said in a much more hesitant tone than she’d used before. “When...two ponies care about each other very much, or two creatures want to keep their species alive…”
The good news is I finally learned what breasts were for, the bad news is I will never be able to look at them the same again.
_____
Twilight left after that, saying that she needed to learn how to do the attuning thing, but I’m sure it had nothing to do with that...unpleasant explanation. Physically I felt fineish, but mentally I was exhausted and needed to relax as I tried to process everything. I sat down on the couch, the white rabbit from earlier showing up again and kicking me in the shin. It wasn’t painful, but I’m pretty sure it was more to show he was upset because of the way I sent him flying into that wall.
“Hey...I’m really sorry about that.” I said in the gentlest voice I could muster, reaching down and rubbing one of his ears. I began to trace my finger around the ridges, his ears were similar to Asriel’s, so I know how to touch them in a way that feels good. At least, from how Asriel used to react I think it felt good. “I was having a really bad dream, and I didn’t know you were sleeping on my chest. We’re going to be living together now, so I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
He began tapping his foot rapidly against the floor, I couldn’t help but smirk as it reminded me of all the dogs I used to pet. His face relaxed into a dopey one as he had a dimpled smile and his eyes glazed a bit, which let me know I was doing it right. He bounced up into my lap, my hand pulling back as the sudden action startled me.
He jumped up to my hand and grabbed it with his little paws, bringing it to his head as he gestured for me to continue. I chuckled as I scratched the back of his ear with one hand, tracing my finger around the edges of it with my other.
I’ve always had a strong fondness for animals, even the ones who didn’t have soft fur like lizards were cute to me. They were innocent, and simple, just giving them food and affection was more than enough to earn their trust. Dogs in particular were so loyal and caring, more so than any human I’d known, and were incapable of things like greed and cruelty. I had little confidence in myself or things I knew, but I could say without a doubt that I cared deeply for animals. Maybe that contributed to why I warmed up to monsters so easily.
“I’m impressed, I’ve rarely seen Angel let anyone pet him other than me. How did you know he likes having his ears played with?”
Fluttershy asked, having returned from talking with Twilight about something. I couldn’t help but be somewhat afraid, even though I really shouldn’t have been. She was going to ask about what happened earlier, and it was one of the last things I wanted to talk about right now.
“I...just kind of knew. I think I’m good with animals.”
She sat down beside me on the couch, her complacent smile dropping into a frown that didn’t fit her tender face. “Chara, I know you don’t have amnesia.”
There was no hostility in her voice at all, I'm actually pretty convinced she wasn't capable of being angry. However, her words did make my entire body more tense, my hands stopped playing with Angel’s ears as I passively stroked his head. I could tell he was displeased by that, but wasn’t doing anything.
“What gave it away? You know, other than my terrible lying.”
“There are a few things, but the most important is...your necklace.” Her eyes lowered to the pendant on my chest. “The way you held it earlier, I could tell it means a lot to you. Did it belong to someone special?”
“It belonged…” My words caught in my throat as I was about to say his name, but I didn’t want to have to explain who that was. I brought my hand to it, rubbing my thumb across its surface, feeling it in my hand again was reassuring in a way nothing else was. “To someone...I still care about a lot.”
Angel hopped off my lap, scampering away to somewhere. He could probably tell where this conversation was going, and that my mind was in a different place entirely. “I’m sorry that I lied to you. You saved my life and helped me, and yet I wasn’t even honest with you.”
Fluttershy’s eyes raised with a sad glint behind them. “That’s the fourth time you’ve said you’re sorry since you’ve been awake, why do you apologize so much? I’m sure you had a good reason for lying.”
Had I really done that? If I had I didn’t notice it. I know Toriel asked me the same thing, it was a...habit I got from my experiences. That, and...I really was sorry, about everything. There were so many things I wanted to take back, but couldn’t. Regrets I’d carry for the rest of my life, but no amount of apologies would make me feel any better. I didn’t even consider that I’d still do it, some habits came back with me I suppose.
“Fluttershy, I know you think I’m a good person, but I’m not. I’ve done...reprehensible things, I would have killed those timberwolves if I could have. You should be afraid of me, humans are the most dangerous animals of all. If you knew what I’ve done and what I’m capable of, you’d throw me out and hope I never came back.”
Don’t get me wrong, I was grateful more than I could put into words for what she’s done to help me, I didn’t want to get thrown out. Yet I didn’t want them to think I was a good person, people have already made that mistake, and paid the price for it.
I’m not even sure what reaction I was expecting, but her eyes narrowing in a disapproving way wasn’t it. She moved closer to me, her eyes drifting off as her mind went elsewhere. “My special talent is being able to talk to animals, and I couldn’t be happier. Ponies weren’t always so nice to me; I used to be bullied for being frail, weak, and not nearly as good at flying as any other pegasus. I don’t get treated like that anymore, ponies are friendly to me now and I have a lot of friends I care about, but it's hard for me to get over my shyness from back then. Animals were kind to me then and they’re kind to me now, I’m only trying to repay what they did for me. In a lot of ways, animals saved me.”
Her story struck a chord with me, I knew cruelty like that. It seemed ponies in this world are capable of the same kinds of things humans were, I could only hope not nearly to the same extent, or I’d just be right back where I started.
“I’ve met all kinds of animals, so many that I could never pick a favorite, sometimes I feel like a mother to them. Some of them were alone for so long they're too afraid to trust me, but after a few days of showing them how much I truly care and that I won’t hurt them, they come around. But, every now and again…”
Her voice was grave and solemn, not wavering in the slightest as she spoke. Her eyes were narrowed and her mouth dropped in something close to a frown, it was the most serious expression I’ve seen on her face so far. She extended her left wing, wrapping it around me as gently as she could. My entire body got as rigid as a rock at the contact, despite the fact that I tried hard not to ne. She was trying to comfort me, her wings were softer than any fabric I’d ever touched, yet even this shook me to my very core. I hated it so much.
“I’ll find an animal who was treated more unfairly than even I was. Ponies can be so mean sometimes, even to pure little animals who don’t deserve it. They can hurt those weaker than them, and it...affects them in ways that makes me want to cry. They’re so afraid of ponies and even their own kind that they can’t trust any of them, biting anything that tries to touch them. They are traumatized from the abuse they suffered and it takes months before they let me comfort them, even longer until they can relax around me. Chara,”
Her voice was a firm as it was benevolent, a stark contrast to how soft spoken it normally was. I didn’t verbally respond, raising my legs to my chest and wrapping my arms around them before burying my head in my knees. I knew what she was going to say, I could hear the unspoken words before they even left her lips.
“Did...someone hurt you? Is that why you don’t like being touched?”
Bullying did not cover what they did to me, nor was it restricted to the children. Others that were supposed to protect me, even the people I was supposed to trust did things to me I could never forget. Humans weren’t evil because they were born evil, but because they could be and chose to be. If it justified their hatred and fear, humans could bring themselves to do anything, I’ve seen that myself many times. I’ve done it myself many times.
Once again, I couldn’t stop shaking, my hands gripping my legs so tightly it hurt. There was a knot in my chest that made it hard to breath, I don’t know if she pulled back her wing or I was that overcome by my emotions that it didn’t register, but I couldn’t feel her touch anymore.
“Was it a unicorn? Is that why you...reacted the way you did when Twilight used her magic on you?” Fluttershy’s brows pulled together as she hesitated to speak, likely as afraid to ask as I am to answer.
I could tell she was trying to be nice, like another one of her animals. To her, I am another animal, just one that could talk. She wanted to help me, I couldn’t be mad at her for that, but she couldn’t help me. The Dreemurr family couldn’t, and I didn’t deserve her help. I'm worse than any animal, I'm human.
“I…” My throat got dry as I tried to say something, my voice barely louder than a murmur. At the reminder of what happened with Twilight, flashes of Frisk’s fight with Sans appeared in my mind. The sound of their flesh being stabbed by bones, or the crinkling as they were turned to ash by the blasters. The deafening thud as Sans picked them up and slammed their body against the ground or the pillars; the countless, agonizing ways they died.
Sans was merciless, never hesitating even once, not that I could blame him for it. Frisk was a dirty brother killer, just like me.
“I can help you, Chara. You aren’t alone, you just need to-”
“Please, don’t.” I begged, one of the only times I’d ever done so in life, I rarely believed begging would work. It never had before. My voice croaked and I couldn’t keep it steady, talking made it hard to keep the lump in my throat that was a wretched sob. My eyes were so watery that everything was a blur, I couldn’t think straight and the memories were so close to resurfacing I could almost hear them. My nails were digging deeply into my legs. I think they were drawing blood, or that could have just as easily been cold sweat.
“I don’t want to talk about my past. I don’t want to relive it. I want to forget it! I don’t know how I got here, but it's a second chance, one I never thought I’d get.” I bit my lip as a tear went down my face. I could see Fluttershy retract her wing, I didn’t dare glance at her face, I’m sure I’d break down if I did. “I’m begging you, let me pretend I have amnesia. It’s easier for me that way. If you want to help me, then let me start over!”
I didn’t mean to yell at her, I tried really hard not to, but I did. I couldn’t keep the emotion out of my voice, or prevent myself from sounding as desperate as I truly am. I didn’t look at her, but I could tell from the way she moved she had recoiled as if I’d struck her, somehow I think I wouldn’t have felt as bad if that is what I did.
“Chara, if you do that, you’ll never be able to move past it. I just-”
“I will move past it. I have to.” I wasn’t sure if I was saying that to convince her or myself. “If I can’t, I’ll tell you. Right now, I need to work through it by myself, please.”
I didn’t really know whether I could get over everything myself, I am weak, but being alone was something I hated that I’d become used to. It was also exactly because I'm a lost cause that I couldn’t accept her help, it’d be a waste. I also knew I couldn’t move past it, there was no fixing what was wrong with me. I’d do what I’d been doing, what’s been working: Suppressing it. I’ll pretend I don’t remember anything until it becomes true, that’s the only hope I had. Put on a meaningless smile, act like I wasn’t broken on the inside, lie so often I convince even myself it's true. I did that for the first few months under Mt.Ebott, and that was the closest I ever came to being happy.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” I should be the one apologizing, hearing her say those words with such genuine guilt only made me feel worse when I was the only one to blame. I could tell through my blurred vision she was almost hiding behind her mane again, both her hands against her chest. “If that’s what you want. I just wish...you’d see that you deserve to be helped. I don’t believe you’re a terrible person, you wouldn’t have risked your life to save three complete strangers if you were.”
I was about to tell her that I only saved them to help myself, but my stomach chose then to audibly remind me of how empty it was with a growl. “Can you cook?” I questioned with an awkward chuckle, a stupid thing to ask considering what we were just talking about.
She raised her head as her eye met mine, cocking her head and touching the base of her neck with confusion at the sudden shift in topic. “Oh, well, I can, but I only know the basics. I can roast vegetables, bake pie, make grilled cheese, a-”
“Pie? You can bake pie?” My voice picked up as I asked that, a tone of excitement making it more vibrant.
“Not as well as Pinkie Pie, but yes. Though I don-”
“Can you bake cinnamon butterscotch pie?”
I wiped my face as I shifted my body to face her, a sense of delight overtaking the near despair that had threatened to swallow me just seconds before. My shaking had calmed down and it was becoming easier to breath, I think my mouth was actually watering and there was a longing in my heart I couldn’t quite explain.
Fluttershy pulled back a bit, surprised at my sudden movement.
“I think so? That’s very specific, but I’m pretty sure I can. It will take at least an hour and a half, longer if I didn’t always have dough prepared. Are you sure you don’t wan-”
“Yes. I can wait.”
I couldn’t put into words how much I wanted it. It was childish and immature, I know. Asking for even more from her should have been followed with a stab of guilt, but if so it was buried underneath the need and desire I was feeling. I didn’t even understand it myself, but I wanted it more than anything else in that moment. Besides, I could wait a little longer, being hungry wasn’t something I was unfamiliar with.
I think my sudden response to the fact that she can bake pie both startled her and made her more worried. She got to her feet, or hooves, her fingers interlocking as her hands lowered worriedly. She didn’t want to leave me alone for that long to bake a pie, but this is the first time I’ve gotten visibly excited in front of her. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, the idea of having that pie made me happier than finding out I didn’t die from the alpha again.
The next hour and a half passed in silence, other than occasionally hearing Fluttershy making the pie. There were nail marks and dried blood just below my knees, but they were barely noticeable. Angel returned, hopping into my lap eagerly with a face that told me he was demanding me to pet him like I had before. I obliged the spoiled, adorable thing, his fur was soft and warm, his body relaxing at my touch.
This is what I enjoyed most about animals. They can just tell when I’m upset and came to comfort me, animals were a blessing I didn’t deserve.
I smelt the pie before seeing it, hearing Fluttershy’s light hoofsteps from the kitchen. She was holding a plate with one slice, I’m sure the rest of the pie was in there and she’d bring it to me if I asked, though I’d rather get it myself.
“I’ve never made this kind of pie before, I’m sure I messed up somewhere, but I hope you like it.” Her voice was back to being soft again, her hair no longer covering half her face as she gave me a small smile. I could tell she was nervous by the way the corners of her lips were quivering, I don’t think she cooked for others that often and wasn’t that confident in her skills.
I grabbed the plate when she offered it, hearing Angel let out something like a disapproving grunt when my hands left him. The plate was warm and I could feel how hot the pie was, a fork resting beside it. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else, that nostalgic, intoxicating aroma filled my nostrils. My hands were shaking again, though for a very different reason than earlier, as I picked up the fork. Even as I cut a piece of it off and brought it to my mouth, I was hesitant to bite it. I gulped as I placed it on my tongue and began to chew.
I was...at a complete loss for words, the taste couldn’t be more perfect. The sharpness of the cinnamon, complemented perfectly with the rich, creaminess of the butterscotch. The pie crust was soft but still crunchy.
Exactly like Toriel used to make.
Anytime I was upset, or mad, or had a bad dream, or anything, she would bake me this pie. It didn’t matter how late it was or how stupid the reason, she’d do it with a patient smile while humming a song. Then, she’d cut me a slice, sit down, and hug me as I ate. She’d tell me everything was going to be alright, that she took care of me like I was her own child, and sometimes, she’d even sing me to sleep when my nightmares wouldn’t leave me alone.
“Are you ok? You’re crying…”
Fluttershy’s voice was a bit muffled. She was leaning forward with her hands out in front of her like she wanted to comfort me. I couldn't tell if she was more worried about me or if her pie was as bad as she was afraid it would be, which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
I didn’t even know that I was until she’d said something, hot tears rolling down my faces one after another.
“Yeah, yeah, I just…” I could hardly speak as my voice quaked, yet even as I cried I kept eating the pie. It filled more than just my stomach, it filled my heart with a warmth similar to the sun itself. I didn’t feel any worries or fears, no despair or sadness, nothing but a pleasant tingling throughout my entire body that almost made me want to laugh.
“I’m...happy to be alive.”