//------------------------------// // Errands: Dial "D" For Discord // Story: Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) // by Barrobroadcaster //------------------------------// "This way! We'll cut across town square!" Dan shouted. He couldn't look back to see if Kent and Spike were following him. The salesponies and their deals were hot on their trail. Although they moved more slowly and deliberately, the robotic salesponies were seemingly unstoppable. The more they cut down, the more arose with new and worse deals. "If we don't make it out of this, I want you to stab me!" "Why?" "I will DIE before I sign one of those horseshit contracts!!" "With the way they tried to run us over with that lawnmower, you could die signing one of those contracts," Spike added. Riding on Kent's shoulders, he turned around. A mob of shining, grinning pony peddlers was slowly following them. "He's serious about stabbing him, isn't he?" Kent asked. Spike shrugged. "Does it matter?" "Good point." They reached the center of town square. "We'll take Haypenny Lane back to-" "Haaassssssshhh." Dan and Kent stopped. The way south was blocked by a line of Sith assassins. All with sticks, they formed a blockade that stretched across the street from edge to edge. There was no way past them. Even if they weren't as tough as the robots, they would slow them down for the robots to reach them. "Uhh-uhhh, this way!" Dan shouted, changing directions on the fly. "We'll go down Baker's Street to the airfield!" They ran around the townhall to where Sweet Street connected to Baker's. Once again, they found their way blocked. Dan skidded to a stop. "Vere do you zink you're going?" Photo Finish announced. An army of paparazzi ponies were behind her, all with cameras. Some with professional cameras, others with camera phones, one pony had an old-style camera on a tripod with one of those exploding flash-bulb things you had to hold. "Wow, these guys are really dedicated," remarked Spike. "Please, do not compliment one of the groups stalking us," Dan said. "They're the only ones not trying to kill us. Also, the other two are getting closer!" All three groups converged in the town square. Technically, town square was a triangle, since Mane Street led up to it and Sweet Street wrapped around Town Hall and led up to Sugar Cube Corner. With nowhere else to go, Dan, Spike and Kent were forced back to the doors of the hall itself. Dan remembered the last time he'd entered Town Hall. Things did not bode well for them. Flashing cameras, hissing assassins, money-back guarantees, a trifecta of tasteless destruction was headed there way. The three men backed away from the advancing assembly of various forms of annihilation- photo, physical, financial, descending upon them. Their backs hit the doors to the hall. "Maybe- uhh, maybe there's a way to make them fight each other!" Kent said. "Maybe if we get them to bump into one another..." Robots, assassins, photographers, all approached them. When the three groups converged, they did so seamlessly. Whether it was because the assassins were single-minded, the robots were programmed or the photographers just weren't paying attention to anything else, the three groups ignored each other as they crowded around them. "Hey!" Dan shouted at the crowd. "Before you, uh, kill us, why don't you guys fight to see who gets to kill us first? And we'll just, uh, be somewhere else in the meantime!" The mob did not even respond to Dan's suggestion. The hissing, flashing and sales pitches practically drowned him out. Spike face-clawed yet again. "Great try, Dan. What's next? We gonna try tunneling out of this mess?" "You see, I know you're being sarcastic, but there's a reason why I say to always pack a good shovel and THIS WOULD BE IT!" *knock-knockknock-knock-knock, knock-knock* The knock came from the door behind them. From the other side. "Shave and a haircut?" Dan asked. Being cartoon characters, they were all familiar with the jingle. That's a law of animation, right there. Perplexed, Dan opened the door. The grinning, familiar head of a certain draconequus popped out. "Am I interrupting something?" "Disco!!" Dan exclaimed. "Snap your talons, paws, fingers, whatever! Make them all go away! Get us out of here! Do something, man, they've got us dead to rights!" "Hmm, tsk-tsk-tsk, dear Dan," Discord said. "You've been here for a little over two years, you saved the planet, but have you really learned anything about Equestria?" "...Are you squeeing kidding me? Do you really have to do this RIGHT NOW?" "It's alright," Discord said with a knowing grin. "I brought some friends to help explain." The other side of the door opened. "What up, bros!" And out came Vinyl Scratch and Octavia wheeling a brand-new Bass Cannon. "Hiya, Dan!" "Hello, second-best DJ in town." The Bass Cannon started to rotate towards Dan. "Don't," said Tavi to Vinyl. "We thought you guys left town!" Spike exclaimed. "What are you-" "Hold that thought," Tavi said. *Dzz-dzzz-dzzz-BLBLBLBLBLBLRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!* A massive, bass-ic beam blasted forth from Vinyl's bombastic beatbox. The auditory artillery blew holes through the Sith Assassins, ripping their lines to pieces. The shadow warriors were evaporated in droves as Vinyl and Ocatvia unleashed salvos of sound at them. The two mares operated the Bass Cannon with simple hoof-cranks on the side; this new model was a simpler music box and cheaper as well. They swiveled the cannon, aiming the continuous stream of sonic energy at the array of enemies. The robots vibrated with each pulse until their heads exploded. The cameras of the paparazzi popped as the flashbulbs burst. Even the guy with the old-timey camera had his bulb explode, and bulbs for an antique were hard to find but seriously, the guy shouldn't have been stalking in the first place. "YES, YES!" Dan cheered. "I love you mares! You both can't leave now. There's no way we're letting you leave town!" "We're not finished just yet," Discord said, still grinning, quite pleased with himself as usual. "Engage the scoop!" "Let's clear the way, brother!" "Make way!" Flim and Flam rode by on their latest contraption. A new variation of their coffee-brewing machine, it scooped up the remains of the robots and dumped them into a furnace. The furnace then manufactured mugs for their coffee stamped with the Flim Flam Bros. logo on the side... and an outrageous pricetag of twenty-five bits per mug. "I'm still impressed but slightly less because it's Flim and Flam but still impressed!" Dan exclaimed. "And finally, fame is fickle. Best to let over-popularity be handled by a professional," Discord said. With that, his last surprise was cued. "The GRRREEEAT and POWERFUL Trixie! Is signing autographs." The paparazzi ponies looked to Dan, their target. Then, they looked over to Trixie, sitting at a table, smiling a bit smugly while levitating several signed headshots of herself smiling a bit smugly. They weighed the two heavily in their hooves: Dan, a sweaty, doughy, disgruntled and grouchy alien or fan-favorite and Equestrian phenomenon Trixie. Which did ponies want to see more? "Only two bits!" A line instantaneously formed at the table. "Vhat? Vhat? Vhat is zis? You are supposed to be PHOTOGRAPHERS, not ze grubby, pathetic autograph hounds!" Photo Finish protested. But photojournalists were fans, too, and the chance of getting a selfie with Trixie outweighed any photo opportunity Dan would give them. "Well, two bits is pretty cheap," Photo said, her accent slipping. She joined the line of fans. "Disco, you beautiful, crazy sonofabitch!" Dan grabbed the dracon and squeezed him. Then, he realized he was touching him. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." "I don't think I've ever actually seen him hug someone voluntarily," Octavia said. "Me neither. And with all the cameras destroyed, no way to take a picture of it. Bummer," Vinyl added. Dan quickly pushed Discord away. "Er-hem. Thank you. Yes, excellent work, all of you. I have to take points off of Flim and Flam for the decorative mugs and also because, eh, I don't like you." "We make money whether you like us or not!" Flam announced. "Yes, we're certainly making more money than we were in canon!" "Could you actually see us managing a hotel? Feuding over it, brother?" "Us? Why, never, dear brother! Ahahahahaha!" "Hahahahaha!" The siblings chortled, but locked eyes as their laughter subsided. Dan watched Flim and Flam drive away in their caffeinated coffee contraption. They all did, until they were finally out of the way. Then, it was Kent, surprisingly, that broke the silence. "I haven't met them, but I already can tell I don't care for them." "Trixie needs more photos of Trixie to sign for Trixie's fans!" "Discord, I'm impressed," Dan said. "You knew we were in trouble, you went to Vinyl, Tavi and Trixie and-" "Also Flim and Flam." "And I'm not taking off points for that," Dan said. "You became aware of a situation, came up with a plan and executed a counterattack all in such a short amount of time. You did... a good job." "How?" was Spike's only question. The tiny dragon was still more skeptical than most and he had a valid question. Discord's grin turned from sly to... oddly, humble. "Wasn't long ago... comparatively, that I was in charge here. I turned the place into a playground for chaos but, well, part of me cared more about it. I've gotten in touch with that part more and... well-" "He'd make a better leader than I would," Mayor Mare said. The older mare stepped outside, adjusted her glasses. "Mayor Mare, how nice of you to see what's going on on your own doorstep." Despite Dan's chiding, her smile did not fade. Whatever taunt or criticism Dan had, it washed over her like a wave above a stone at the bottom of the sea. "It's not my doorstep. Or, it won't be soon," she said. "I'm resigning." The news was a bombshell to all of them. Not unwanted nor unwarranted, but entirely unexpected was it that Mayor Mare would suddenly abdicate her namesake office. A lot had happened under her watch. It had been her that allowed Rice to gain a foothold on Equestria, it had been her who had given Rice information about Dan and others, it had been her, not anypony else that had believed Rice had valid claims. The test of leadership was not easy to determine at times, but it was clear that she had failed it. "Discord has been appointed as provisionary regent by the princesses... or he will be, as soon as I tenure my resignation," Mayor Mare explained. "Excuse me," Kent interrupted, "this is all very... substantial, but we're still being hunted." "Psssh, don't worry, scro," Vinyl said. And "scro" was apparently something Vinyl Scratch said. "We got it all under control. Barro gave us some sonic emitters to place around town. They'll disrupt any stealth fields or robots- and they'll occasionally blast out some sweet tunes." "That sounds... annoying," Dan said. "Or... whatever, hey, at least it'll stop the Sith-heads from attacking us." "Heheh. Sith-heads," Kent chuckled. It drew a stare or two; the guy was still mostly a mystery, and was kinda werid. "So that's it? We've solved our stalker problem?" "TRIXIE NEEDS MORE HEADSHOTS OF TRIXIE!!" "Looks like it," Discord said. "So are we finally gonna do errands now?" Spike asked. Dan stretched. "Ehhhhh... maybe tomorrow, Spike-o. It's been a long day." "Are you serious?" "I'll see you at home, buddy. Have fun." Unfortunately, that wouldn't work out for Spike.