There was a tremor in my peaceful sleep, stirring me awake. Twilight was up and trying to sneak out the door. I pulled myself up and stretched. “Sorry, did I wake you?”
“No. You didn’t.” I lied.
“So um-”
“Breakfast?”
“Yeah, breakfast.”
We trotted down to the kitchen where Spike had placed two plates with a note, ‘At Rarity’s if needed.’ I chuckled, “Do you think Rarity knows?”
“It’s an ongoing joke in our friend group.” Twilight admitted, “Don’t tell Spike that, though. He’s sensitive to this stuff.”
“Ah, puberty.” I poured a glass of apple juice, taking a sip. “I’m gonna have to go through that again aren’t I?”
Twilight giggled, pouring herself a cup of joe. “It’s not too bad, the only bad part is heat season.”
I gulped, “Um heat?”
The purple alicorn grinned mischievously, “Nothing.” If it’s anything like cats, I’m definitely fucked in more ways than one. “Pffft, I’m just kidding. We have medicine to block the heat season.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“So about last night-”
I took a bite of my sandwich, “Mmm, Spike, you’ve outdone yourself, my boy.” I took a sip of my OJ, “You gotta try it, it’s fantastic. You really need to send Spike to culinary school. He’d make for an awesome chef.”
“And I starve to death? No way- Wait, you’re deflecting.”
“No I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
“I just want to praise Spike’s food, is that so wrong? I mean have you EATEN his spaghetti. I don’t know where you found that dragon but he’s a keeper.”
“I actually hatched him from an egg and- UGH! ALEX! Please, let’s talk about this.”
I crossed my forelegs, “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Yes, there’s plenty like how much you’re suffering.”
“It’s none of your business.” I waved a hoof.
“I’m your friend. It’s plenty of my business. Alex, please, let’s talk about it. Maybe we can get a professional or someone for you to talk to. Just please work with me.” Twilight begged.
I hopped up on my feet and barked, “A shrink? SERIOUSLY?! I’m not like one of those wackos in the asylum. I don’t NEED to talk to anyone. I’m fine just how I am.”
“You spent at least an HOUR crying your eyes out! How are you fine?” Twilight exhaled tersely, “Look if you don’t want to see a professional, how about doing something to relieve your suffering if even a bit.”
I sat back down, “What do you suppose we do?”
“Let me think.” Twilight laid her head in her hoof, then stood up and paced around, mumbling something or another. Even with my great hearing, it was all jibberish. The metaphorical lightbulb lit up above her head and galloped out of the kitchen. I ate the rest of my sandwich and drank the rest of my orange juice before I followed her into the library.
Princess bookworm was shoving out every one of her books mumbling what I can only guess was the title of each book. All of it was still in jibberish. It was entertaining watching her go through each and every one of her books. At least, until she found the one she wanted, “Ah hah! Found it!”
“What did you find?”
“Modern Versus Ancient Gender Role and Stereotypes.” She opened the book. I tried to follow along but she was a very quick reader. She kept reading and reading and reading and reading and the next thing I knew she had finished the book. I was nearly about to take an afternoon nap from boredom and that was after practicing my mouth writing and trying to find a pony name. I think Sweet Victory is a cool enough name. I’d rather keep Alexander as my name though.
“Did you find anything useful?”
“Uh no.” She smiled sheepishly.
“Ugh.” I groaned. “Do you have any ideas?”
“Yes I do, thank you very much.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“Well, we can always try asking all the stallions in Ponyville what they think makes a stallion.”
I looked at the clock, it was Twensy-two o’clock. “Let’s make this quick, we don’t have much daylight.”
“I think I know who we can talk to first. Follow me!”
We sallied forth onto Ponyville. Many of the stands were beginning to close up for the evening but there was an apple stand opened with a big red stallion guarding it. We took a stand behind a green mare, “Are you selling any cider?”
“Eeenope.” The big red stallion replied.
“Hmm, any more apple fritters?”
“Eeenope.”
“Hmm what about apple pie?”
“Eeenope.”
“Hmmmmmm, what do you have?”
“We have apple sauce and apples left, ma’am.”
“Oh, ponyfeathers.” The green mare cursed. “Give me an apple then.”
The red stallion placed an apple in front of him, “That’ll be fifsy-four Chits.” The green mare placed down a bit and the stallion exchanged it. “Enjoy.” We took a step forward, “Oh hey Twilight. Who is this with ya?”
“Hi, I’m Alex.” I held out my hoof only to realize I’m far too small to shake it. I went vertical and shook his hoof.
“Big Mac.” He shook it back.
“Well you see, little Alex here is writing a paper on what makes a stallion a stallion.” I gave her a look and a smile. She rolled her eyes.
“Hold on a second. Ah’ll close up for the day.” All he did was placed a closed sign on the table. We came around. “So, what do ya want to know specifically, sweetheart?”
I mentally cringed and had to keep myself from physically cringing. “I never had a dad so I’m wondering what makes a stallion, a stallion.”
Big Mac took a bite of an apple a chewed on it for a second, “That’s a tough question. Ah’ve never thought about it before until now. Can ya ask me somethin’ specific?”
“Uh sure. Would you say short hair- er manestyles or long manestyles are considered stallionly.” I asked as though I had written it down on a piece of paper.
“Short manestyles to be sure. There are plenty of mares who are feminine with the short manestyles. Ah guess it depends on what it looks like.”
“In what way?”
The red stallion mulled over it for a moment, “It jus’ is. Can’t really it better than that.”
“Are there any sports considered stallionly?”
Big Mac smiled, “Eeyup, hoofball.”
“What’s hoofball?”
“Ya see the…” The red earth pony went into a big long-winded explanation about a sport in which was way too complicated for its own good. And I thought American football was bad. “…and that’s really all there is to say about hoofball. I know it don’t sound the like the most excitin’ game in the world but Ah’m bettin’ if ya give it a try ya’ll love it.”
Twilight was sitting there reading a book, saving herself from the explanation completely, “Uh maybe I’ll try to watch a game or two. Do you have TV?”
“TV?” Big Mac asked, “What’s TV?”
“Um uh you know it’s a thing you watch stuff with.”
“Oh, ya mean a CV.”
“Uh CV?”
“Crystal Vision. Yeah, we have one back at the farm. We’re havin' a get together to watch the Championships at the beginnin’ of next month, ya wanna join?”
I smiled, just men hanging out with men, “Sure! What day it is.”
“Fourth of the First week.”
“I’ll need to put that on my calendar but I’ll make it if I can.” I smiled brightly, “Thanks for helping!”
“No problem, sweetheart.” Big Mac packed all his stuff on a wagon and cantered off.
I nudged Twilight, “Uh, Ms. Sparkle, we’re done.”
“Huh? You are?”
“Yup, where to next.”
“Well, I was thinking we could interview one of the colts. They should be getting out of school now.”
I felt something smash into my head, my snout dragging itself through the ground with momentum. I can’t remember how many times my face had been dragged through the dirt but I wish it would stop. That would be great, thank you please god. If god even exists in this world.
I pulled myself back together and brushed the dirt off the best I could. “Sorry.” A young voice spoke, his accent sounding slightly British. Which was odd because every pony I’ve met so far has sounded American. He was white with patches of brown, and about the same size as me. Which was knew since even other kids were bigger than me. His expression was one of worry and guilt.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry, kid.”
“You’re a kid too.”
I sighed, “So I am. Anyway, you’re just who I was looking for.”
“I am?”
“Yessir indeed.”
“What do you need me for.”
“Well, I’m doing an essay on what makes colts, colts.”
“We have penises.”
I blinked and Twilight looked like a beat. “Yes, yes you do. But I was thinking besides that what makes a colt different from a filly.”
“Oh, well I love the color blue. All colts love the color blue. It’s a colt’s color.”
I narrowed my eyes, “I’ll have you know that pink is a VERY dashing color. Very man- er stalliony!
“No it’s not. It’s a filly’s color.”
My eye twitched, “Look here you little $#!^, pink is a very masculine color.”
“No it’s not.”
“Yes it is!”
“No it’s not!”
“Yes it is!” I was snout to snout with this little shit. This fuck thinks pink isn’t a manly color. Well, I’m about to show him how manly it is. At least until I got pulled into the sky.
“We must be going, bye, Pipsqueak, thanks for your help.” She eventually dropped me.
“Why did you- er”
Twilight’s glare was terrifying. I felt like the small child I am under it. “What was that?!”
“He um called pink girly.”
“HE’S A LITTLE BOY OF COURSE HE THINKS THAT PINK IS GIRLY!!!!”
“Ow!”
She winced, “Sorry… No, I’m not sorry. That was unacceptable and foalish of you. I expected more out of you since you’re mentally an adult but it seems like you’re just a foal instead.”
I rubbed a hoof at the dirt. “Sorry.” My voice sounded like Fluttershy’s. She’s right, what was I thinking? What’s wrong with me? One second, I’m just asking questions and the next I’m picking a fight with a small child. “I’m so stupid.”
Twilight’s expression softened, “You’re not stupid, Alex. You’re just going through a rough time.” She pulled me into an embrace. It was warm and nice. She pulled back, “But you shouldn’t take out your emotions on other ponies.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Hmm, punishment is in order.”
I could feel my eyes bulge out of their sockets, “Wha- what are you going to do.” When I was a kid, my dad would give me a spanking anytime I did something wrong. I learned how terrible that is and how you should never do it, but I don’t think I can forget how many bruises I had from his paddle.
“You’ll know.” Her smile was so malicious that it sent a shudder through my very soul. Her smile turned warm, “Don’t worry, it won’t be anything big.”
I exhale a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “Okay. Now what.”
Twilight shrugged. “Anything you want, kiddo.”
I cringed at that but decided I deserve it. “I guess I could get a haircut. Any barber shops you would recommend?”
“Hmm, I know one place.”
“Welcome to the shop. How may we help you?” A synchronized quartet of stallions all dressed in the same way harmonized as we entered the shop. I was a little put off by it. We had barbershops where I’m from but I don’t think none of them did this.
“Oh uh I’d like a haircut, please. Make it short.”
A blue stallion came close, “Oh why would you ever want to do that. Your hair is simply marvelous.”
“Well, it’s because I’m a colt and too many peo- ponies think I’m a filly.” See I am getting used to pony diction.
“Still your hair is simply fabulous. But a paying customer is a paying customer.” He swiveled his head over to a not so sharp-looking barber, “Handlebar Cuts, get over here, big boy, we have a customer for you.”
I looked back to Twilight. She had a smug grin on her face, “I’ll be outside, sweetie. Take your time.” I glared at her, she just smiled.
“Yes, sweetheart, go with the big barber stallion. Mommy will be outside.” The blue stallion pushed me along.
I mouthed, “I hate you.” To Twilight and she giggled back. The bitch. I took a seat in the chair.
I took my seat in the spinning chair. I never went to a barbershop; my mom or sisters would cut the hair for me. They were pretty good at it too. “What do you want, kid?” Handlebar Cuts asked me.
“Uh, short and masculine.”
“Whatever you want, son.”
No clue why but being called ‘son’ got a huge smile out of me. The earth pony stallion began cutting my hair methodically and precisely. “So, I’m writing this paper and it’s about what makes a stallion, a stallion. I don’t really have much, so maybe you can help.” It couldn’t hurt to ask someone else.
He snipped and sat back for a moment, “What makes a stallion, a stallion hmmm?”
“Yup.”
He went back to cutting, “I think you’re askin’ the wrong question.” His deep gravelly voice soft near my ear.
“I am?”
“You are, you should be askin’ what makes a good pony.”
“I guess but I don’t really know any stallions and I’m trying to learn how to be one.” I admitted I felt a huge weight taken off my shoulder for some reason.
“Think ‘bout it like this, son. You say that you’re a stallion then you are already a stallion. You just have to learn to be a good stallion.”
You know, I don’t know the Equestian values now that I think about it, “So how do I be a good stallion?”
He snipped some more hair away, “It’s simple: find your virtue.”
“Virtue?”
“You’re a thestral so I don’t exactly know what they teach way north but I’ll teach you what we Equestrians believe.” He combined a specific lock of mane and snipped pieces away, “We believe in six virtues: Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, Laughter, and Friendship. The magic of friendship is powerful and has been harnessed several times by the bearers of the elements of harmony to defeat the evils that try to destroy Equestria.”
“Woah, wait, virtues were used as weapons?”
“In a way, yes. It was more of their friendship that was used as a weapon. Just last month, we almost were destroyed by a criminal named Tyrek who absorbed all our magic. Many died from his greed.” He took a moment of silence and so did I. I still remember the day Pearl Harbor happened. I guess ponies and humans aren’t much different. Handlebar went back to cutting, “The elements defeated him and brought magic back to Equestria.”
“Friendship is so strong.”
“That it is. It’s why it’s an important value we all share. It’s hard to be friends with everyone but we can at least be friendly. Talking about elements, you came in with the element of Magic.”
I blinked, “She’s an element?” I’m not really surprised to be honest considering this is a town, she lives in a crystal castle, and she’s a princess. It’s only fair that she’s also one of the elements of harmony. “But what does all of this have to do with being a good stallion?”
“As I said, simply find your own virtue. Our virtues aren’t the only virtues but find a virtue that you believe in and follow it. You may not be the best stallion but you’ll be a good stallion.” I watched Handlebar stand back and smile, “How do you like your new manecut, son?”
It was short and made me look a little bit more like myself. I smiled, “I like it! But I still don’t look like a stallion.”
“Hmm.” He took out some tweezers and stood in front of me, “Hold still for a moment, I think this will help.” He began ripping out all of my eyelashes, one by one. It was painful but when I looked in the mirror again, I saw a boy- er colt in the mirror. “Colts and stallions tend to not have eyelashes, so maybe that’s the problem.”
I watched as the boy in the mirror's mouth slowly pulled tight a grin so bright that it was beginning to hurt his face, “I think that was the problem.” I hopped off the chair, “Thank you, Mr. Cuts! I’ll have plenty to write about for my paper.”
“My pleasure, son. Come back here if you ever need a trim.”
“Will do, Mr. Cuts! Bye.”
When I paid and exited the barbershop, I found Twilight and Rarity chatting with each other. The world looked a little more colorful for some reason and I couldn’t stop grinning. “I’m back!”
“My,” Rarity began, “Aren’t you looking dashing, darling.”
“Wow, Alex, you look like your colt- er yourself.”
I bounced with vibrations of joy coming from my wings, “I know right, I look like me!” I chuckled, “I can’t stop smiling.”
Rarity’s eyes sparkled brilliantly, “IN SPIR RA TION!!!” She announced and galloped off.
“What was that about?”
Twilight chuckled, “I think I know. You want ice cream?”
I flew circles around Twilight in joy, “I’d love some ice cream!”
Dear Tia,
While I will take your suggestion to go to school. I will not be changing my name to a pony name. Instead, I want the name to be Alexander without my last name. I know that you want me to fit in more but my name is my name and I don’t feel comfortable with taking another. Besides if someone wants to know what it means I’ll just make up something on the fly.
On the note of cake, I love strawberry and I would be happy to come to have tea with you on the third day of the twensith week.
Love,
your faithful Lieutenant,
Alexander
P.S. The picture is my new look, do you like it? Rarity made me a collection of bowties I’ve been wearing everywhere. I think they make me look handsome and dashing.
P.P.S. Please save me! Twilight keeps using me as a hug pillow.
P.P.P.S. Tell Luna I said hi and that her opossum is adorable. Also tell her that the Operation is at a go.
Celestia admired the picture of Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight standing behind a little thestral colt with a very happy grin on his face. His light metallic-ish blue mane was short and messy now. His lime-green eyes had no eyelashes. His light-peach-pink coat looked a lot brighter than before. He wore a cute little red bowtie with white polka dots. “He is very handsome, indeed.” Luna mirrored her thoughts.
“Lulu?” Celestia asked.
“Yes, sister.”
“Why does Alex know you?”
“What do you mean, sister?”
Celestia pulled out the letter and gave it to her. As Luna read it a smile appeared slightly on the dark blue alicorn’s face. “Did you go into his dream, Lulu?”
Luna had a guilty look on her face, “Yes but he was having a nightmare.”
“Lulu, I told you to leave him alone for now.”
“But but, we became friends and he thinks Tiberius is adorable.”
How Alex thinks that little cake stealing rodent is adorable, Tia will never know. “What’s this operation you two have going on.”
“It’s nothing really.”
Princess Celestia, goddess of the sun and ponies, gave an inquisitive eyebrow out of disbelief. “Are you plotting something?”
“No!”
Celestia gave a flat look.
“Okay yes but it’s nothing bad and it’ll be good for you.”
“Good for me?”
Luna smacked a hoof to her lips and mumbled, “Oops.” Then flew away as fast as the princess of the night could.
Celestia decided to not give chase. She looked back at the note, “What are you planning, Alex?”