David stared with bored eyes at the monitor, his mind in a state where he wasn’t asleep, but neither could he really see anything. His eyes were lifeless, blinking every so often to ensure that they wouldn’t dry out. It was a bare minimum affair, but one that sufficed its purpose. Car wash security wasn’t a glamorous job, but due to recent events, it paid quite well, so he sat in his chair and watched the screens, blinking like a lizard on a sunny rock, sans the warm embrace of the sun. This wasn’t to say he disliked his job, in fact he quite enjoyed it and all the benefits it brought, but it did get dull on the quiet days. That paled in comparison to his stress on the frustrating and… exciting days.
A flicker of rainbow colors flickered past on one screen, then on another, moving in the usual direction. David briefly hoped he was hallucinating out of sheer boredom, but the shouts of his coworkers assured him that that was not the case. Still, he sat, being his usual cheery optimistic self, hoping the problem would resolve itself.
That was not to be as one of his coworkers, Sam, stuck his head into the converted broom closet that was David’s office.
“Dave, the horses are back.”
“I saw… horses? As in plural?”
Sam nodded.
David sighed and dragged himself away from his desk, stretching tall to the ceiling.
“It’s getting worse. Is Mr. Samson going to try and stop it?”
“Pretty sure he can’t without causing an international incident. We can’t well shoot them; we can only shoo them off.”
David sighed again and rubbed his face.
“Why here?” he grumbled. “Hundreds of car washes in the state, but they always come here. There’s gotta be a reason.”
Sam shrugged.
“I dunno man, but you gotta get them out. They’re playing with the rollers, and they won’t let me turn them off.”
David let out his third sigh, a common occurrence when it came to dealing with the ponies. He looked around his office for ideas, his brain still trying to piece together why the repeated visits to his place of employ.
The small horses, ponies as they called themselves, had appeared a few months ago, not in some important place, like D.C or some other nation’s capital, no, they had appeared in the car wash, or rather she had. Princess Celestia she called herself. The size of a large dog, she was adorable incarnate, with her fluffy fur, perfectly proportioned fluffy wings, her cute pouting face, and those massive eyes that seemed to break even the strongest of wills. That first day it had taken David seven hours to get the alicorn to move along, and he had quickly found that he was the only one capable of doing so. All of his coworkers had merely showered the alicorn in affection, telling her how cute she was and giving her belly rubs.
David had spent much of that day devising strategies to isolate, and then drive away the adorable white menace, and had eventually succeeded, accomplishing two things. First, he found his first tool in dealing with Celestia, and second, he had earned a promotion; his current security job.
Unfortunately, the pony was smart, and she adapted as he did. Her visits became regular, and in each she would always go to the rollers, get the workers to lower them just right so that she could waggle her cute pony butt and get a good rub down. The first time, a broom had been his key to victory, but the second, Celestia had lit it aflame. David countered by getting a spray bottle filled with orange juice, making her fur sticky. The third time she had one of his coworkers add a special soap she brought with her to the wash, repelling the spray. The broom had worked again here, this time covered with a fire retardant; and so the battles went, with David and Celestia dueling it out, and David almost always succeeding in driving the alicorn away in a timely manner to get the carwash operating properly.
But she always came back. None of his efforts were permanent, and the war of attrition was slowly moving into her favor. Mr. Samson was getting on his case every time she showed up, and since all of his coworkers fell under her spell, it was up to him, and solely him (for some reason) to solve the problem. Why they hadn’t called the police, (or animal control) David didn’t know, but then again, the thought of Celestia locked into the back of a police car, or even worse, an animal control cage, sat wrong with him. Better to just fight her, even if the fight was getting harder.
Just the thought that more ponies had joined her forces made the fight more difficult, and David had to find a more permanent solution. He looked around his office and spotted a rather large cardboard box. His mind churned out an idea that had no chance of working, yet considering the magical, adorable nature of his opponent, just might work.
Snatching a permanent marker from his desk, David quickly scribbled the words on the box, then set it down beside his desk. He looked up to Sam, who was regarding him with some confusion. David shrugged.
“It’s magical ponies bud, it’s not any crazier than anything else here.”
His coworker shrugged.
“You’re the security guy. If you say it works, it works.” He paused, then glanced over his shoulder. “So, you gonna…?”
“Yeah, yeah, let’s go.”
Sam led him through the wash, which was by and large stopped. Soapy cars sat idle, waiting their turn to move on. Passing them all by, the pair of humans moved to the rollers, and David suppressed a groan when he found that “they” was an accurate statement. Celestia was in her normal position, humming quietly with an expression of sublime pleasure on her muzzle, as her rump was massaged by the massive roller. David glanced at Sam, and found him dawwing quietly. A glance toward the control panel found a similar situation.
Looking back to the roller revealed two more ponies. Two alicorns; one pink, and one purple. The pink one looked much like her larger white counterpart, and had her tongue flapping on the ground as her butt got a rolling massage. The purple one, strangely enough, was writing in a journal, taking notes as her small purple rump was massaged in equal manner to the other two.
Celestia seemed to detect his presence, and her eyes opened, a shining, joy-filled magenta that twinkled with mirth and playful rivalry as she looked at him.
“Hello “hated opponent”, and by what methods do you intend to sever me from this divine joy this time?”
David pointed to the machine operator without looking.
“Turn the roller off.”
The man groaned.
“Aw come on, they’re just cute little ponies!”
“John, Mr. Samson gave me firing powers after last time, now turn off the machine before I turn off your paycheck.”
The man grumbled, but turned his key and the roller slowed to a halt. The pink pony squawked in alarm and looked back at the still roller, while the purple one frowned at David.
“That’s not very nice. He was just giving us the best scientific results.”
“If the study was; "how much pony hair does it take to clog the drains?" then yeah, I’d agree,” David replied, not sparing the smaller pony a look. If he fried the big fish, the other two would fall in line, he was sure of it. Placing his hands on his hips and putting on his best (and slightly fake) scowl, he said; “Princess, I’m going to give you one warning today; get out or face the consequences.”
Celestia smiled and rubbed her butt along the roller.
“Nonsense friend, today is the day I finally break you. You will succumb to our collective adorableness, and then we can all enjoy the wonderfulness that is the great massager.”
David sighed.
“I guess it has to be this way. Into the box you go.”
One of Celestia’s ears flicked, and her eyes widened ever so slightly with the barest traces of nervousness. The purple pony’s eyes opened wide with alarm.
“Y-you can’t possible have one,” the purple one whispered. “There’s only three in all of Equestria, you can’t possibly have one!”
David had no idea what she was talking about, but he had to act. Celestia was right, he could feel it. Adding more adorable ponies to the mix was weakening even his strong will, but he had built up some immunity, and he knew he could enact his plan before he broke.
David moved forward with confidence, scooping Celestia up from beneath the roller. Her hind legs dangled down as he carried her outstretched around her barrel. With their leader in his hands, the other two followed as he walked back to his office, his strides long. He had to be quick, he had never touched the ponies before, and while Celestia was wet, he could still feel the warm softness her fur offered. Its siren call echoed in his ears, but went ignored as he turned into the doorway of his office.
Celestia spotted the box on the floor, and a loud gasp filled the air. Her shining eyes met his and she tried to wriggle free.
“Please don’t do this!” she pleaded. “I won’t go under the roller anymore, I promise! Not this! I beg!”
David shook his head.
“You didn’t learn your lesson the last hundred times, but now you will. Sorry it has to be this way Princess, but you forced my hand.”
Celestia wailed and fought as David started lowering her into the box. Her two underlings peaked out from behind his legs and let out twin knickers of alarm and panic. The purple one beat on his legs, also pleading with him, while the pink one simply sat back in utter shock.
All sound stopped as David placed Celestia in the box. The white alicorn looked down at the words, crudely written in black sharpie.
Bad Pony Box
Her shining magenta eyes then drifted back up to David, and she let out a whimper.
“Am… am I really a bad pony?”
David struggled not to crack under those eyes, and he found that offering somewhat kind words helped alleviate the spine crushing guilt he felt staring back at her.
“For today, yes. I’ve told you time and time again that you can’t come here, and I told you why. I tried to be nice, I tried to be logical.” He pointed to the smaller two ponies, who were staring at their leader like she was dying. “You put them in danger Celestia. Normally it’s just you, and I can understand personal risk, but now you dragged someone else into our game, and now it’s serious. What would you have happened if the operator got distracted and lowered the roller too much? You could have all been crushed. Not to mention how much it costs to clean all of your hair out of the rollers and the drains. That stuff isn’t cheap, and I haven’t seen a nickel out of you Celestia. This has to stop.”
“Stay in that box until you have fully thought about what you’ve done,” David said firmly. He then looked to the other two. “Sit beside her, and don’t do anything or you’ll join her. Am I clear?”
All three ponies bowed their heads and nodded silently. David’s heart felt crushed in a vice, but he remained stalwart as the smaller ponies trudged over and plopped down beside their leader. Their sniffles and whines were hard to blot out, so with a wince, David dangerously met the purple one’s eyes.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
The purple one put on her best puppy dog expression.
“Please Mister, Princess Celestia didn’t mean anything by it, we just wanted to experience the joys of your technology. Can’t she just sit in the corner? She’s not a bad pony, she doesn’t deserve the bad pony box.”
“No Twilight,” Celestia sobbed. “Mr. David is right, I put you at risk. I put you in danger with no regard for the consequences, and you could have been hurt!”
She let out a loud wail, then collapsed into the box.
“This is where I truly belong. My throne is built on lies and terribleness, I don’t deserve your words! I don’t deserve your friendship! I am a bad pony!”
The other two ponies began to cry, and tried to reach out to their sobbing leader, but their hooves never seemed to cross the threshold of the box. Celestia continued to cry, curling within herself, and David quickly realized that despite protecting them from themselves, he was the villain. The villain to the sweet, adorable little creatures. But as much as his heart wanted to scoop them up and hug them tight, apologizing as he carried them back to the roller, he knew he wouldn’t, couldn’t. Letting the ponies back into the car wash would only result in them getting hurt and him getting fired. No, if he was to be the villain, he had to hold strong. It was for their own good, no matter how much he now hated himself.
He slowly turned away from the scene and back to his screens, hardening his heart against the continued sobs and wails of the ponies. He quickly spotted a problem, and he felt irritation well up as he watched the operator lower the rollers onto yet another pony, this one also an alicorn, but blue. David snatched off his hat and slapped his knee with it before jumping up from his chair.
“I am not going to let someone hurt one of these damn ponies!” he roared.
He stomped out of his office, and back onto the car wash floor. The operator, perhaps seeing that the usually calm David was furious, immediately shut off the machine. The roller raised toward the ceiling and David heard a loud shout of protest from the blue pony as he walked into view.
“What is the meaning of this?” the blue pony cried. “We have paid thy fee, give us our due massages!”
Her green eyes fixed furiously on David, who glared furiously back.
“You are the cause of this, aren’t you?”
“Yes I am,” David snapped. “Now get out from under there or I’ll punish you like I punished Celestia.”
The blue pony scoffed.
“Please, our sister has told us of your “punishments” and we think you’ll find that not only are we resistant to all your attacks, we actually paid for thy services!”
She drew a receipt from beneath one of her wings and, using her magic, waggled it in David’s face. The human snatched the receipt up and looked it up and down to find that she had indeed paid. David sighed and glared at his coworkers.
“Whoever allowed her to do this is going to clean the hair out of the roller. Get busy.”
Sam let out a sigh and grabbed the plastic pitchfork they used to pick objects free from the rollers. David then looked to the blue pony and sighed.
“Look, Princess….”
“Luna.”
“Right, Princess Luna, you can’t use a carwash for massages. It’s dangerous and you could get hurt or killed. I’m glad that you paid, something your sister has never done, but you can’t use the roller.”
Luna huffed.
“Well then what are you going to do about it? We paid for a massage, and we demand a massage!”
David rubbed his eyes.
“Just… follow me to my office and we’ll try to work something out. You can’t be here though.”
Luna huffed again, but nodded.
“Fine, lead the way.”
David turned to walk back to his office, only for Luna to flap up and into his arms. She settled in, then cooed as one of his hands braced her rump.
“Now there’s an option,” she purred. “Those appendages of yours seem quite dexterous, have you any training as a masseuse?”
David snorted.
“I’m working pony security at a carwash, you tell me.”
Luna smiled and rested her chin on his shoulder.
“Well, perhaps we can change that. We can already sense that even your most amateurish ministrations would spread much relaxation.”
Her ears perked up as the sound of Celestia’s sobbing came into earshot, and she turned around when he entered his office, letting out a gasp as she beheld the still crying alicorn.
“Oh my,” Luna whispered. “Please set us down Security Professional. We must confront our imprisoned sister.”
“Imprisoned?” David echoed.
He set down the blue alicorn, and she sat before the Bad Pony Box, looking it up and down. She let out a whistle.
“So it is real,” she whispered. “We cannot say we envy your punishment sister, a thousand-year stint on the moon is kinder than this. Tell us, what crimes did thy commit?”
Celestia raised her teary eyes above the boxes edge and sniffled.
“Criminal endangerment, service theft, and trespassing. I must spend a days sentence here, like the bad pony I am.”
Luna bowed her head stoically.
“We will await thine return dear sister. Our only hope is that thy time on the inside will not change thee.”
Celestia whimpered and shrank back inside the box.
“I don’t think I can handle life on the outside anymore. I have become blackened by this foul place. I am not worthy of my crown.”
Luna sniffled and reached out a comforting hoof, stopping just short of the boxes edge. She then let out a sigh and turned to David.
“Our apologies kind sir, we know it is thy right to execute whatever punishments you see fit, but could I perhaps buy her freedom? We promise that she will not relapse. We will keep close eye on her, ensure that she remains an outstanding citizen.”
This was all too much. David didn’t think the box would be taken so seriously, but he could almost literally see that Celestia was growing darker. Her rainbow-like mane already shifted colors, and her fur was beginning to take on a blacker tone. Twilight and the pink pony still cried, lamenting the loss of their leader, and at a glance David could tell that Luna too was on the verge of tears.
“What did you do?”
David whirled around to find not only his boss, but also a pair of black suited men standing in the doorway to his office. Mr. Samson looked at the ponies with horror, while the pair of suited men, what David assumed were government agents of some kind, placed hands on hidden holsters.
“David… you were supposed to keep them out of the wash, not do this,” Mr. Samson said. “I mean, look at them….”
One of the agents glared at David.
“Sir, release the ponies immediately or you’re under arrest for crimes against humanity.”
David recoiled in shock.
“This constitutes a war crime?!?”
Mr. Samson glared at him.
“Screw that, you’re fired David. I thought you could keep control of this, but apparently not. I’m going to make sure you never work in this town again.”
“B-but I’ve lived here forever!” David protested. “I was born here!”
“And we’re all shamed at the thought,” Mr. Samson spat. “Turn in your uniform, you’re-“
“STOP!”
All eyes shifted down to Celestia, whose fur had turned a blistering and roiling black, while her mane had turned into the oranges and reds of flame. She glared white hot daggers at Mr. Samson and the agents.
“This fine Security Professional has meted out a punishment that fits my crimes, and he did it all with good intentions! If you seek to punish him for his dutiful, yet agonizing service, then you must be prepared for war with Equestria! Not a one of you will ever feel the joys of a pony’s pillowy soft fur! Not a one of you will ever get to participate in cuddle times!”
One of the agents fled in tears, while the other fell to his knees, crying softly and holding his head. Mr. Samson managed to stay on his feet, and he glanced to David.
“B-but he…”
Celestia stomped a foot.
“As soon as I am free of my punishment, I will declare Mr. David as my official ambassador! He is under Equestria’s protection.” She growled, a motion David couldn’t help but find adorable, and he felt his will crumble away. “Are you going to threaten my ambassador Mr. Samson?”
The man shook his head.
“N- no Princess.”
Celestia cooled her fiery temper and sat back down, her fur beginning to grow white again.
“Good. Now excuse me, but I must wallow on being a bad pony.”
“T-that won’t be necessary,” David stuttered.
All eyes shifted to him, with the ponies looking almost too excited. David reached down and picked Celestia out of the box, then set her on his desk.
“For, uh,” David racked his brain for a fancy sounding reason to let the pony go. If he just said it was for saving his skin, he imagined the ponies would think him corrupt, and seeing as they were the only reason he wasn’t going to prison, he needed to make sure that didn’t happen. Also he was really curious what cuddle time meant. His mind seized on an idea, and he smiled. “For intent to serve full time, and on the condition that she opens peaceful negotiations with Earth’s nations, I herby pardon Princess Celestia. She is a bad pony no more!”
David was immediately greeted by far too many cheers. The doorway to his office had become (almost magically) packed with people, and they all cheered and sang both his, and the ponies praises. Celestia beamed up at him, returning fully to her cheerful, pristine white form, while the other three ponies hugged each other and wept tears of joy.
*****
David tossed the newspaper he had been reading onto the pool side before nudging his way back toward the center. The title had read “World Peace Achieved”, but he had known about that success days ago when he had helped the ponies sign the treaty.
After his pardoning of the white alicorn, she had actually committed another crime; that of kidnapping. Celestia had teleported David, and the other three ponies back to his house, then, while her compatriots set about expanding the home, she had declared him Equestria’s ambassador and his house the Equestrian embassy. The simple one floor house had quickly expanded into three full stories, packed with hundreds of rooms using equestrian size magic. This included an upgrade to his bedroom, tripling it in size, as well as adding a master bath and an upgraded bed that David would soon learn was for one of his new duties.
Once the house was fully upgraded, Luna had filled his accounts to the bursting point, as apparently Equestrian bits were made of pure platinum, and the blue alicorn had taken the time to trade in several dozen bits for regular money. In the span of seconds, David had become a billionaire, though the money came with the condition that he attend masseuse lessons Luna had also set up.
Celestia had then opened a portal in David’s new basement, and ponies flooded through. His super-sized home became filled with staff to attend to every need, and as days passed, David found himself being waited on hand and foot.
After a week of settling in, the princesses had made their announcement to the world, and the diplomatic struggles began. Strangely enough, it only ever took one visit, but all the foreign ambassadors went home happy with their new pony allies, just so long as they took a small staff of cuddly little ponies with them at least. Cuddly little ponies like those who always filled his bed, warming his bedsheets like fluffy little heaters. Sleeping was bliss, and even in his dreams he cuddled ponies. It was his favorite part of his job, actually. And to think he had been punishing ponies once upon a time.
Speaking of cuddly, David glanced down at the pony on his chest, who smiled back with her ever-happy smile. The ponies liked pairing off in groups of five, and apparently the princesses had chosen him for the honor of being their official cuddle buddy. Celestia in particular liked to cuddle up with him, and with world peace now guaranteed, they spent all their time together. David glanced around the Olympic sized swimming pool and found Luna doing her morning paddles, while Twilight, and the pink one, David had later learned her name was Cadence, rested at the pool side, napping with Cadence’s husband, Shining Armor.
David looked up at the sun and winced when he saw how high it had gotten. He liked starting his day in the pool, but he while he regularly put-on sunscreen, today he had forgotten. It was probably why Celestia was hugging his chest. She hated the smell of sunscreen.
David let out a moan, and poked her fluffy rump.
“Sorry Princess, but I gotta go inside. I’m gonna get a sunburn.”
Celestia giggled and didn’t move.
“Not while I’m here my friend. Your solar master protects you from all manner of burning.”
An alarm bell rang in David’s head on the word ‘master’, but he elected to ignore it as the silly pony being silly. He kicked a leg and paddled them in a circle.
“Is that why I didn’t get burned when Twilight splashed me with grease from the fryer?”
Celestia giggled and nodded.
“Indeed. Can’t have my perfect little cuddle slave getting hurt, now can we?”
A second alarm bell rang, and this time David casually voiced his concern.
“Cuddle slave? That’s a big of an aggressive pet name.”
Celestia clicked her tongue, her eyes still shining with happiness.
“Someone didn’t read the treaty…”
David tilted his head in confusion.
“I… what?”
Celestia giggled and grabbed one of his arms from the pool, raising it so that he could see his wrist, on which was tattooed four cutie marks; a sun, a moon, a star, and a heart.
“And such is for all humans now,” Celestia said as David stared at his forearm. “Our invasion is officially complete and is a total success, and you are now all our cuddle slaves. These marks tell everyone who your owners are.”
David blinked stupidly, then let the arm fall back into the water. He racked his brain for any wording that had indicated that he was literally selling his body, but he couldn't really remember anything from the treaty signing, other than that Twilight had decided to take a nap on his neck at the time. She was such a warm, fluffy little thing.
“Huh. When did those get there?”
“When you signed the treaty. Didn’t you notice that Luna’s gotten particularly cuddly on that arm?”
David nodded slowly, thinking of all the “cuddle attacks” he had received recently.
“I guess so.” He paused, then spoke again with mild concern in his voice. “Is anything actually going to change?”
“Not particularly,” Celestia said. “Life will continue as usual, sans all those nasty stressors you all seem so plagued with. Much of the population will continue to age as normal and pass on, while those under a certain age," she nuzzled his chest, "including you, my adorable little cuddle slave, will become imbued with enough Equestrian magic to become immortal like us, and in a few centuries, you’ll have enough magic in your body to become a pony naturally. A few years before your sun explodes, we’ll draw everypony back to Equestria Prime and start our search for a new planet to conquer, and you, my adorable little slave, will join my cuddle harem.”
“Huh,” David again grunted. His mind chugged along slowly, but the warmth of the sun and the fluffy pony resting on his chest didn’t help his thoughts to process quickly. Still, conclusions were drawn, and his tongue spoke them aloud. “So you’re saying that you’re a species that invades, and enslaves planets, drains them dry, then moves on when the planet’s time is up?”
“Just so,” Celestia smiled. “Completely non-malicious of course, and we save as many as we can. We already wiped out all the hostile species. The rest of the universe will eventually fall under our spell over the millennia, then we’ll begin conquering other universes.”
“Huh,” David grunted for a third time. “So why me? Why did a lowly car wash assistant warrant the attention of a conquering princess?”
“There’s always one being per planet who can resist our charms,” Celestia said. “And we hate violence. Forcing you to join us would have resulted in such, so instead I merely applied pressure.” She let out a sigh and hugged his chest tighter. “But then you had that superweapon of yours. I almost thought you’d never break. Luckily you did not disappoint. I thank you for that cuddle slave.”
"Sorry about that," David said. "I didn't know it was so dangerous."
"Forgiven my friend," Celestia giggled. "My stay inside was short anyway, and you destroyed it after, so all is well."
David idly paddled around the pool, thinking on the alicorn’s words. Eventually he spoke again.
“So… nothing’s going to change immediately, right?”
“No dear, business as it’s been for a while now.”
David smiled.
“Want to watch a movie and cuddle?”
Celestia giggled.
“I knew you were a keeper.”