//------------------------------// // Chapter 62 // Story: Refined Starlight in a Broken Vessel // by the-pieman //------------------------------// I sit in my room, trying to decide how I should spend the rest of my evening. I could finish that book I picked up the other day. “Anthony?” Twilight opens the door. She’s still not quite gotten the whole ‘wait for response before entering’ bit, though I’m not in the mood to bite her head off again. She walks inside and looks about. “Wow, you actually did clean your room.” Suddenly I don't feel as forgiving anymore. “Indeed, I am capable of performing actions that are expected of mature adults. Thanks for noticing.” I reply, as dryly as possible. “You got a reason for the intrusion, other than making backhanded commentary on the upkeep of my personal living space?” “Yes, actually.” Twilight levitates up a scroll. Similar to the ones she gets from Celestia, but it has the blue-purple-ish ribbon that Luna uses. “You’ve received a summons from Princess Luna to meet her at Canterlot castle.” “I see... and you know the letter says that because..?” I prod, miffed that she might have read my mail. “Well, I didn’t know it was for you. I just... it looked like what I typically receive from Princess Celestia, but the ribbon and seal were different; also it wasn’t sent through Spike. I had no idea what it was supposed to be, maybe some special message from Princess Celestia. I didn’t know Princess Luna sent messages in a similar fashion or had her own personal missive seal.” “And thus you just assumed it was for you.” I state, my tone now hopefully implying the traits of a desert. “I am the head of this household, so without any particular addressing, yes.” Twilight replies plainly. “Either way, here it is. Also, I’d take this a bit more seriously. Even I don’t get official royal summons like this, so whatever this is for, it’s likely important.” I take the rolled up parchment and uncurl it, a smaller piece falling out. Might as well start on the big one. Princess Luna requests an audience with Anthony at Canterlot castle, yadda yadda. Oh, she wants it tonight which explains sending it now. Yeah, alright. Should probably get myself to the train station before it gets much later. I head off and walk my way over, and the sun is rather low by the time I get there, but I see a few ponies there. “Hey, I need a ride up to Canterlot.” The pony at the sales counter shakes her head. “Sorry, we’re closing up for the night, you’ll have to come by tomorrow.” “It’s fairly urgent, though.” I insist. “I need to get to the castle tonight.” “Sorry pal, but hero or not, we aren’t gonna start up a train just to get you up a mountain when we’re ten minutes away from fully closing. You can buy a ticket for tomorrow morning, but that's all I can do for you right now.” I frown. “Well, I’m not one to speak above my station, but I’m pretty sure that me getting to Canterlot is worth a little bit of overtime from you.” I hold up the parchment to the mare. She looks it over thoroughly, and sighs. “Royal summons? Nopony in this town ever gets these. But I suppose it’s legitimate enough. Fine...” I put the scroll away and the mare leaves her booth. “Alright everypony, we gotta get a train running to Canterlot. Mister Hero here’s got a letter from Princess Luna that says she wants to see him real soon.” I hear some grumbling from the various ponies around, but they hop to it regardless. If I still had my powers, I could probably help out with loading the engine with coal, but that’s not an option so I keep my mouth shut. “Well, we should have this thing movin’ in a few minutes, so get on board.” I’m instructed and I get on. Thankfully it’s completely empty so I have all the space I need to stretch out. I figure I should check out that smaller letter while I’m on the way. Dear Anthony, Apologies for the formality, but I simply needed to see you as soon as possible, so I decided that a letter of urgency was in order.  I’ve been wanting to discuss some concerns I’ve had lately, and a face-to-face meeting is the most appropriate I can think of that still gives us complete privacy. I do look forward to seeing you, and I apologize if this summons seemed extreme and caused undue worry. Luna Okay, so this is just a casual visit, but she needed to see me tonight? As soon as possible? It must be important, she’s just not wanting to say as such. Maybe she’s upset about something but doesn’t want to turn me off of showing up, so she’s being extra friendly. So either Luna really does just want to talk, or she’s gonna chew me out something fierce. Too late to not take the gamble though, train’s already chugging along, and rather quickly. It’s a long train ride, and if I wasn’t still having issues sleeping lately, I might have fallen asleep. I feel the incline of us shifting from flat ground to going up mount Canter, so we’re almost there. Once we finally arrive the train stops only long enough for me to get off. I’m just stepping onto the platform as the train begins pulling out. Guess they really wanted this over and done with as soon as possible. I leave the platform and I see some of those dark-furred bat-winged ponies that make up Luna’s guardforce. Odd how the princesses each have their own specific types of guards, but that’s not really my business to question just yet. “Anthony.” One of them says as they approach. “We have been ordered by Princess Luna to rendezvous with you and provide escort to the castle.” “At ease.” I say casually. “This is just a friendly visit, apparently. No need to be all military.” “We serve the alicorn princess of the night. We are expected to maintain convention, regardless of scenario. We take our positions very seriously at all times.” “Yeah, I can tell. Let’s not keep her waiting.” I say as I follow along. I’m fairly certain I remember the way to the castle, but Canterlot does feel pretty different this late into the evening. Not that I come here much anyways, it’s just really not my scene. Too much... wealth. It’s quite the walk and it’s well into sunset before we make it to the castle. At least it’s quiet and nobody’s around. We pass the gate and the large double doors are opened by some more of Luna’s guards as we approach. “Princess Luna has informed us that she will be delaying her nightly court to have a private meeting with you.” I’m told by one of the door guards. So this really is that important, whatever she actually wants me for. I just nod as I enter the castle grounds proper. The ponies beside me escort me around the castle to... her room? I recognize it by the familiar design of the door. Getting some bad vibes now, considering what happened last time I was here. One of the night guards knocks on the door and announces his presence. “Princess Luna, we have retrieved Anthony and brought him to your chambers as requested.” “Thank you. Send him in and you may excuse yourselves.” I hear her reply, and the guards do as such once I step inside. Not sure that I want to close the door behind me, but that might seem suspicious if I intentionally leave a means of escape available. I slowly shut it, not taking my eyes off of the lion whose den I just entered. Luna seems to pay my caution no attention. “Good evening Anthony. You have impeccable timing, I had just finished raising the moon.” Just get to the point... “So you wanted to see me? Your letter didn’t say why.” “I thought that I should be as discreet as possible. After all, I know how private you like to be.” she smiles. “It’s also nice to have you here. The dreamscape is nice, but personal meetings have their own charm.” “Charm. Yeah.” I keep my hands to my sides, but my fingers twitch a bit. The pressure in the room is minor, but I can just feel it. Luna shifts to a slightly concerned look “Is something bothering you? Was this a bad time?” Gotta maintain cover, better go for indifference. “Nah, completely open night, not even any sleeping to get done so... I guess you start with exactly why I was summoned.” Luna nods. “Of course. Please, have a seat.” I look around and I don’t see a chair anywhere. Her room doesn’t really have much furniture. Luna seems to notice my gaze and she chuckles. “You may sit at the end of my bed. It’s not as much an issue with me; my sister is the one who is picky about who has been where in her room.” Might as well take the offer. I sit down on her bed and I notice how firm it is. I expected an absurdly wealthy person like her to have the fluffiest mattress possible. Still, it’s very comfortable. “Okay, so let’s get a real answer as to why I’m here in person, huh?” I prompt. “There are several things I’ve wished to discuss with you for some time, but you’ve been rather unavailable for several nights.” I sigh. “Yeah, I guess if I’m not dreaming, you can’t reach me. Also I’ve been having some sleeping issues lately.” “Indeed you have, and it has me a bit worried for your health. On top of the other things I worry about you.” Luna says, resting upright on her bed, though keeping a respectful distance from me. Seems like it’s safe so far. “Yeah, I don’t know what let me sleep so often earlier. This is the norm, really.” I state, and she grimaces. “You’ve said as much before. Several times.” I have? When? “I uh... I don’t remember saying anything like that. I mean I probably should have, but I can’t recall actually-” “You don’t remember your dreams. It’s rare that you do. You’ve told me so.” Luna looks right at me, and I feel that tension thicken slightly. “Eh? When..?” Luna hangs her head a bit. “The times you’ve slept the last few weeks, I’ve been having conversations with you. None of which you remember, come morning. The last one you seem to remember to date is when you had demonstrated that superheroing. Every night since in which I have been able to meet with you, I mention that you seem to forget our discussions, and every time you forget that you’d already told me you forget your dreams.” “So you arrange a meeting about this when I’m awake, meaning we won’t run into this repeatedly, of me forgetting I told you I forget. Yeah. Remembering my dreams is so rare. It’s rather baffling that I’ve managed to remember all of the dreams I’ve had that you visited me until now. Well, until then. Guess it was just luck and... luck always runs out.” Luna grows quiet. Almost somber. “We’ve had that exact discussion twice now.” I facepalm. “I’m sorry. I don’t... you know what, let’s start with you telling me what I’ve told you, just so I don’t make this take forever.” “That’s fair.” Luna says. “Your forgetting is truly the most pressing issue. I also don’t know why you remember my earlier visits but not recent ones, it may truly be up to luck as you say since I have no way of divining any other possibility.” She looks down at the floor. “It saddens me. I... I want to help you, but if my support needs to be repeated so frequently then I haven’t helped you after all.” “Not your fault. Blame my biology. I do it all the time for nearly everything.” I try to reassure her.  “Yes. You blame yourself for so many things you have no control over.” Luna replies, sounding slightly distant. I shrug and give my simple answer. “I’m used to it, is all.” Luna’s ear twitches a bit, and she looks down at her bedding. “I’m not convinced that is the full truth of the matter. I initially feared the thought, it just sounds so...” “I’m sorry to rush you, but can you get to the point?” I’m trying not to be too impatient, but if she still feels uncomfortable with me, it makes me feel uncomfortable in return, and I’m already not entirely alright with being here, where she could do just about anything she wants to me with no resistance at all. “I don’t think that you blame yourself for things just because you’re used to it. Rather, I think you’re used to it because you’ve been conditioned to. I still can’t imagine somepony being put in a position where one holding themselves accountable becomes their default response to any perceived shortcoming. What could happen to create that mentality?” Her expression droops further as she sighs. “I... I care about you. In a way I haven’t for anypony else, at least not that I can recall. I feel urged to help you as much as I can, yet I can’t fathom where the roots of your struggles could begin.” “You shouldn’t worry about it if you can’t. You’re not obligated to help me. I appreciate it when you do, but-” She turns her head to me sharply and looks very upset. “Do not dare to repeat that this is solely your problem and only you need to worry. That is not how this works. Not how it is supposed to work. I know that I cannot help you nearly as much as you have inadvertently helped me, but do not ever tell yourself you do not deserve help at all.” “Look, it’s not that easy for me.” I say tersely. “I don’t... I...” “Now it is my turn to insist you simply explain yourself.” Luna presses and I wince. Fine, she wants it, she’ll get it... “The few people I felt okay with trusting are dead and gone. Everyone else is as well. I don’t have a safety net anymore. I don’t just make friends with people, it’s not that easy. I won’t let people get close to me easily because that has actually hurt me before. I won’t let that happen. So I don’t want help, because the people I’ve known that have harmed me while saying they want to help is a much larger number than those who genuinely cared. Maybe it is conditioning, but if that’s what it is then that’s just how it is. I say it’s not your problem and you shouldn’t worry because you can’t fix it, and obsessing over trying to anyway just makes your life worse to match. Besides, you should hate me anyways, and I don’t get why you want to help. You hurt me, I hurt you and-” “We’ve apologized.” Luna interjects, her voice quiet but strong enough to hear. “Of all your forgotten dreams, that you forgot that one is... the most painful to me. We reconciled. I forgave you for everything you did to me. I’m sorry I was so harsh as to make your first apology meaningless.” She holds a hoof up to the diamond moon pendant I made for her and I realize that she’s still wearing it. “I love this... you did so much to show you cared. I don’t know what to do about you forgetting, but I just want you to understand that you’ve already cleared the air between us. Would you at least trust that?” I just feel myself freeze up. Did we really? I mean, she... the way she’s been acting so far looks like she’s put it behind her. But can I trust it? I just don’t know yet. She notices my hesitation and takes her turn again. “You expressed your issues with my treatment and implied potential treatment of you. Leashing you was not a threat I should have made. You were very clear about that and I agree. I was just angry and scared. You showed so much to be scared of that I was hostile and acted far too quickly. The night of our reconciliation, you connected with me. You consoled me about Nightmare Moon again. I had never felt so understood in all my life. And you... can’t remember any of it. You told me how you have issues with trusting others, that you’ve been hurt again and again. I explained how I felt, that you were so alien to my sister and I that we have no idea what to think of you. I felt like I truly connected with you, rather than just trying to offer verbal support...” “And it’s gone.” I state. “If any of that conversation did actually happen, I can’t recall to confirm it. All sentiments are effectively nulled.” “So where do we go from there?” Luna asks, sounding sadder than I think I’ve ever heard before. “How can we help each other if only I remember it? I truly believe you still feel the same inside even if you don't remember you had said it aloud, and if that's the case then I’m still grateful for everything.” “But if I can’t recall at all, then only you’re really benefiting.” I feel the air get a little bit colder. “One step forward, two steps back. That’s the way it is, unless we somehow get lucky.” “It’s just not fair...” Luna laments slowly. That statement confuses me. “Of all the things you’ve likely lived through with your sort of position and lifespan, this is what you call unfair?” “Absolutely. I genuinely feel that your inability to retain my help is the most unfair. Everypony else I’ve helped in some manner, small as it is, at least there’s proof I did it, but with dreams it... if it’s not remembered, then I’ve done effectively nothing.” My fingers curl and stiffen in anger at that. “You think this is the most unfair thing simply because what good you tried to do didn’t stick? Try having that be the majority of your life. You wanna connect with me, then walk a mile in my shoes. No, make it a hundred miles. Nothing good I do ever lasts. I don’t fix anything, no matter how hard I try. You don’t get to play the ‘unfair’ card with me.” Luna makes some sort of choking noise. “I didn’t mean... I didn’t... I meant... I meant that it’s unfair for you. That whatever progress I help you in making is ultimately worthless. No matter how much I may aid you or make you feel better about yourself, it may be for naught in the end. It is not fair that you live whatever awful life you had, where you cannot trust or accept help, and all I do gets washed away after only a few hours. How can I heal you if your wounds reopen the next morning?” “You know something...” I hang my head. “That upsets me even more, but in a different way.” “What do you mean?” Luna’s eyes seem like they might be tearing up, though I can’t see well enough in the dim lighting to confirm. Might as well answer. “You’re putting too much importance on my well-being. I could live much longer than most, but I’m still temporary to you. Why should I rate so highly? What could make you consider being unable to help me as the greatest unfairness in your life? Even if it all did stick, eventually I’ll be gone and it’ll be like I never existed. Congratulations, you helped a person just for them to die like everyone else and undo it all. Helping me won’t do you any good.” “That is where you are completely incorrect...” Luna says gently as she lays herself down onto the bed, a bit like a dog or a cat, her head still low. “When I help you, you help me in return whether you try to or not. You’ve discussed the Nightmare with me, you take me seriously and your treatment of me lacks the coddling I’ve gotten from all others, yet you also give a perspective of my troubles that I thought only I had, and some I’d never considered at all. It’s not fair that you cannot remember the good that you do with the limited lifespan you insist is worthless. I disagree. In your time here within my land, you have helped others in very significant manners. You have done more for me than I thought possible, and you still act like you are abhorrent and do not deserve any returned care... and then when I try to give it back anyways and it seems you might be slowly recovering, it all just... goes away.” This time, I can see a tear roll down her face and vanish as it soaks into her fur. “It’s just so unfair that I can’t help you the way you’ve done for myself and others.” The room is silent and the feeling of the room grows, but with a different sort of tension than before. Still cold as well. “There’s not much that can be done anyways. Fairness isn’t a factor, and assuming that it’s true you’re trying to help anyways, that’s commendable enough. It’s far better than the way other people act when faced with impossibility. When I say don’t worry about it, I mean it. You literally don’t have to. Clearly all this does is make you sad, so don’t hang onto it so much. Leave a devil to his demons. Nobody else has to needlessly hurt themselves on my behalf, especially if it doesn’t pan out in the long run.” “It used to work, though.” Luna says softly. “You used to remember. You used to sleep. When I talk to you, I... I feel more like a real pony than I have in an extraordinarily long time. You have taught me so much about perspective, Anthony. As chaotic and unusual as you are compared to everypony around you, you gave me normalcy and even a form of comfort I am still befuddled by how to describe.” She sighs, and it seems to add weight to the air. “But no longer. Now... it’s only luck if anything we share has lasting importance. Because as much as you help me, if you don’t remember the good you’ve done, all it does is stagnate and rot your view of yourself.” “So what am I supposed to do, then? Fix my insomnia? Remember my dreams? That’s not a choice I make, Luna.” I say, resting my arms at my sides. My hands brush against her blankets and I find they are rather soft. “Look, I get that I’m this... great help to you and all but there’s only so much of that to be done. You get closest to understanding how I feel, and that’s meant a fair bit to me, but if nothing else comes from this, then that’s just how it’s gonna be. I’ve talked with Twilight about seeing if she can replicate a sleeping aid to at least hopefully fix the insomnia. But if sleeping also makes me dream? If I remember a dream I have? Those aren’t controlled variables. This is why uncertainty frustrates me so much; there’s always more of it than what is for certain. You either accept it, or you suffer more.” I sigh. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Luna gives a rather sad-looking smile. “Even outside of your dreams, you are exceptionally profound. Tell me... if you really are the hopeless, damaged wretch you claim to be, how is it that you are so enlightened?” “Simple. I live in darkness, but that doesn’t mean I am completely black, in regard to the common relation of white to good and black to evil. There are many shades of gray, and we all have our place on the gradient, but even our given placement on the spectrum isn’t one for others to judge easily, as we all have complexities unique to our shade.” Luna‘s smile turns into a smirk. “Now you are just doing this on purpose.” I return the expression. “Sure I am, but that doesn’t make it untrue.” With a tilt of her head towards me, Luna closes her eyes. “Who are you, to be so wise and understanding of the complexities of ourselves as individuals within a collective, and yet still-” “A complete fucking downer?” I quickly finish for her with my own adjectives. “Yes! It is quite frustrating.” She says, though the way she looks tells me she’s somewhat entertained. “That one’s easy. Plenty of existentialist philosophers were depressing and generally unhappy people.” Luna quirks an eye. “I wouldn’t go as far as to label you a philosopher... but you are insightful nonetheless.” “Anyways, we admit that the whole dreamscape thing isn’t regularly viable anymore, not much else to say about it, might as well leave it where it is instead of further bemoaning the loss. We have other bushes to beat around, don’t we?” “Yes, the other things I wanted to properly discuss with you.” Luna agrees, readjusting her position. “Said my health was of particular concern. In what way, exactly?” I ask as I lay down on the bed, which is really comfortable. Shame I’m far from sleep yet. “You are always so keen on degrading yourself. I admit that it’s something of a relief in a few ways. Notably, it assures me that your ego is kept in check despite your antics, and you will not intentionally misuse your abilities once they return. However, it also means that you yourself are not as emotionally satisfied with your life. You simply aren’t enthused by most things, except for brief periods.” “It’s called anhedonia.” I say, eyes closed. “Anhedonia?” She replies, voice sounding confused. “Is that a scientific term? I’m... I’m not much of a scientist.” “Mental health related, specifically. It’s a condition where a person can’t get enjoyment out of things they typically find pleasurable in some form or another. Here’s an example: I like reading... but doing so at a given moment may not enthuse me in the slightest, even though I normally enjoy the book a lot. It’s not just simple boredom, it’s a fluctuating mental state.” “So you know what your problems are, even having names for them, but you don’t do anything about them?” Luna says, sounding concerned. I sigh. “It’s not something that can be dealt with. Possibly suppressed with drugs but that’s a purely temporary solution. That’s why it’s difficult to deal with me. All my issues are psychosomatic or internally chemical. Not to mention that my grab-bag of ‘mental disorders’ and innate hormonal deficiencies don’t make it any easier. I can’t just take some super wise advice, apply it, and become a more satisfied person. My body doesn’t let it work, to put it in simpler terms.”  “I... I do not recognize some of the words you’ve spoken.” Luna admits, shifting to lay down on the bed on her back to match me, her voice sounding sad and distant. “I want to help, but I don’t know... what to do.” I keep my gaze on the ceiling of her room. “Emotional support is essentially the thing. It does do good, but not for long. No matter how much better something can make me feel, I default back to neutrality or negativity. It’s why I say you shouldn’t worry so much. You alone can’t do anything about it. That’s not me being defeatist, you and your people simply don’t have a way to get inside my head and uncross the wires. No science can fix things I was born with and had cemented during my system’s early development.” I sigh. “Please Luna, promise me that no matter how much you may help me, that if it ultimately doesn’t do any good, you won’t take it personally.” “I just... I want to help you in return for how you’ve helped me come to terms with-” “Promise me, Luna.” I repeat sternly. “Have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. Don’t overworry yourself the way I do.” It’s quiet as we stare at her bedroom ceiling for a while but she breaks the silence with a whisper. “I promise that I will try my best to not punish myself over inability to return the aid you’ve given me.” “So who’s being the downer now, eh?” I ask rhetorically. “...would you mind spending the rest of the night with me?” She asks, leaning a bit closer to me. “I do have responsibilities to attend, but... I’d appreciate it if you could stay with me a little longer.” I chuckle. “She asks about an hour after any train would be running to get me back to Ponyville, royal decree or not.” “By that, do you mean-” I chuckle. “Yeah sure. Watching you politicking for the next several hours can’t be all that boring, right?” “You have not yet experienced true boredom yet, if you truthfully believe that.” Luna says with a soft groan. I smirk as I move to sit up. “Me? Not knowing true boredom? Please, I’ve waited at the DoL multiple times in a single day before.”