//------------------------------// // I Can't Help Who I Am // Story: Chasing Rainbows // by Gallifrey //------------------------------// Chasing Rainbows by Gallifrey Chapter Two I Can't Help Who I Am A miserable and dejected pegasus trudged aimlessly around, head bowed, not in the mood to fly for the first time in his life. He felt empty, devoid of purpose; everything he had ever hoped for had fallen down around his ears, and he felt as though a storm was raging inside and he had no outlet. He sighed and considered his options. I can't go to Dusk, not now. Perhaps I could go see Applejack? He always has good advice when I'm in trouble. Yeah, I'll go and visit him. With a small flicker of hope, Rainbow Blitz turned around and trotted in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. Blitz stuck his tongue out in disgust when he saw all the blossoming, bright pink trees. "Well, good afternoon there, Master Blitz!" called out Macareina from a field to his left, "I guess pink's not your colour huh?" "Nah, not really," said Blitz, "Is Applejack around?" "Eyyyup, he's in the south fields." "Okay, thanks!" "No problem, Rainbow, y'all take care now!" "You too!" Blitz walked past the barn house, scattering chickens before him and made his way into the south fields. He searched for the cowpony amongst the groves of apple trees, but there was no sign of him anywhere, no sound of trees being kicked nor sight of orange coat. Urgh, stupid trees! He thought as he prepared to take off and scout around for Applejack. He spread his wings and flapped into the air, only to be halted by his tail. "What the-" Applejack had Rainbow's tail in his mouth, to prevent him flying off. "Got'cha!" said the earth pony through a mouthful of hair. He spat it out and Rainbow fluttered to the ground. "Were you following me the whole time?" he asked. "Yup!" "I was looking for you." "That's a thing, what brings ya up here?" Where to start? "Well... I-" he stammered. "Blitz, are you alright?" asked Applejack. Now that he looked closely at the pegasus, he seemed very tense, and definitely lacked his usual energy. Something bad has happened. "No, I'm not alright." "Has something happened?" "I think it's more a case that something hasn't happened, to be honest. I was round Dusk's like usual, and I told him- I told him I like him." Applejack stood in stunned silence; he seemed to have frozen. Blitz waited for a response but none seemed to be forthcoming. "AJ, dude, you alright?" Applejack responded by taking a step back. "Beg pardon," he said flatly. It wasn't a question. "I just told you: I told him I like him." "You mean you like like him?" "What did I just say?" said Blitz, wondering why he was being so slow on the uptake. "Ah guess he said no? Wow, ah never thought you'd be a colt cuddler." Blitz began to laugh at Applejack's joke. The pegasus looked at the earth pony and immediately realised it wasn't a joke. "No seriously, ah never expected you to be one of them. I've seen you with the ladies, was all that lies? Ah thought you were better than this." "Lies? What are you on about? Of course it wasn't lies!" "Then what? You're making no sense! Are you normal or not?" The question struck Blitz as though Applejack had just kicked him. Yet again, he felt the hole in his heart widen. I can't take much more of this shit today. "What kind of question is that?" he asked calmly, but his voice was shaking slightly. "Are you a normal pony- a straight pony- or are you just another one of them?" "You're pushing my buttons here, AJ," Blitz spat, his temper rising dangerously. "You still haven't answered my question," said Applejack impassively. "You want the truth?" "Er, yeah?" "On your head, " he breathed. "I'm bisexual." "Ah, I see, so you're one of them confused ones who don't know what's right." "No. I know who I am, AJ." "Nah, you're confused- you don't know what you want. If anything you're just greedy." "What the fuck, AJ? I can't help who I am! I came up here to get some help and advice!" "Well you came to the wrong place! Ah'm not gonna start sympathising with ponies like you!" Blitz's anger, which had been barely contained during the whole conversation, was coming to a boil. "AJ, what's got into you?" "What's got into me? Ah'm not the one lusting after other stallions!" "And what the fuck is wrong with that, AJ? " He yelled, walking up to Applejack until their faces were an inch apart, spittle flying from his mouth in his rage. "Fucking tell me!" "It's unnatural and disgusting!" he roared back. "Ah never would've believed one of my former best friends would be one of them!" "Oh, I see how it is," hissed Blitz through clenched teeth, every word dripping with venom, "I don't know who you are, but you are not the Applejack I know." He turned around, wings flaring, preparing to take off. "Fuck you." "Yeah, bet you'd like to do that wouldn't ya?" he snarled. Blitz turned around; there was nothing he wanted more than to smack Applejack in the face right there and then. He struggled with himself for a moment, and with one last glare, he shot off into the sky, leaving a trail of colour in his wake. --------------- One may endure a world full of demons for the sake of an angel... The words crossed Dusk's mind with a whisper from a book read long ago. Time dragged on, it was now early evening. Dusk had been sitting in the same position for half an hour now, letting the silence envelop him as he tried to gather his mind together. A single silver tear fell from his eyes as he clenched them shut. He opened them and finally stood up, legs feeling like they were made of metal. He made his weary way back to the sofa and looked at the two cups of hot chocolate, now as cold as Dusk felt inside. The two books were lying on the floor, where they had been cast aside during their play wrestle, where it had all gone wrong. He picked up the books and opened a page. "A mare and stallion..." he murmured, as he read the sensual fiction, "That's what it usually is... what is needed to create life... but does that necessarily make it the only option?" Dusk's intelligent mind kicked into action, and he began thinking about the issue. And when Dusk Shine starts thinking, well, anything can happen. "Gay ponies, a minority in this society, how exactly are they treated?" Dusk asked himself. "It's just such a weird concept though! Especially Blitz, who apparently likes both, how does that work? Is it a choice? What should I do?" Matters like this were usually of no importance to him: he spent most of his time studying the sciences, not the people. "Well, it's no use asking these questions if I'm not going to try and find the answer; I've just reorganised the entire library, it's time to hit the books!" In the following half hour, he ran around the library, picking out every book that seemed relevant: Pony Sexuality Through the Ages seemed like a good start, The Classical Origins of Modern Homophobia was another promising looking tome. Along with factual books, Dusk picked out some more 'intense' fictional books, featuring both heterosexual and homosexual love. Dusk eventually retired to his room, dragging thirty or so books and a sandwich with his magic. There was a clink as he locked his door to ensure no disturbances from Spines whenever she returned. He took up position at his desk and began to read. -------------- "How very interesting," he murmured, as he read a passage on sexual attitudes in the Dark Ages before Solaris and Artemis arrived in the world. Dusk took a quill and began to whisper as he wrote down: In my ongoing studies into pony sexuality, it seems to me that the further one goes back in history, the more intolerant ponies were towards the idea of homosexuality; one particularly barbaric text even suggests that homosexuals be put to death. I may not yet fully understand the concept of being gay, but even so, being put to death is a sickeningly strong sentence for a 'crime' that has no victims whatsoever. "This is all very interesting," he said, putting down his quill. "Why I haven't looked into this before I don't know." You're talking to yourself again, Dusk, he thought. "Oh, I always have done, what does it matter? It helps me to think straight." He started reading on how attitudes changed dramatically when Solaris and Artemis took the throne of Equestria. After the Royal Princes arrived, Dusk continued in his writing, incidences of stonings, beatings, and general physical abuse dropped dramatically. Resentment, however, was still rife in the population. The laws of the land were changed so that homosexuality was no longer illegal, but that did not seem to stem the torrents of verbal abuse homosexuals still had to endure. A gay couple could at least now walk down a street together, but not without drawing a lot of attention and having vicious insults thrown at them. It was not ideal, but it was a start. In recent years, the Gay Rights Movement, aided by the Princes, has progressed well, and in all major cities in Equestria, gay ponies are not discriminated against in the slightest. The same can't quite be said of smaller towns, 'out in the sticks.' "Oh great, so I live in 'the sticks' according to this book," said Dusk, shutting it. "Well, I can conclude that times definitely seemed to have changed for the better. Gay ponies certainly don't harm anypony else, so treating it like a crime baffles me, I never knew that they used to actually be killed..." Dusk took a bite of his previously forgotten sandwich. "Well, that's the history all looked at, so now I've got to try and understand it!" It was at this point he spun in his chair and picked up the fiction books. "Let's read a bit more of Don't Let the Fire Die. For educational purposes, of course." Yeah, like you don't want to, said Dusk's inner monologue as he picked up and flicked to page seventy eight. He read, and his cheeks became tinted pink at the suggestive texts; he felt arousal stirring deep inside him, so he shifted his position and set the book down before he became too excited. "That's quite enough of that." He chose instead a book called Honeyed Words, which was centred around two stallions. "Well, let's give it a go." He flicked through the pages, until he arrived at an intimate scene. He took a deep, open-minded breath, and began reading. "Well, it's different, I'll give it that. Oh, it's getting all touchy feely. Why does the library even have books this explic-" He stopped as he read a segment where the main characters shared a passionate kiss. "Why, it's just the same as a mare and stallion..." he whispered. He continued and the story hotted up, and to his great shock and befuddlement, so did Dusk, he felt the stirring inside him again, albeit much fainter, more subdued. Closing the book, he put it down rather quickly, knocking his quill to the floor. He took a steadying breath. "What? Th-that makes no sense. How did that... what," he blathered. He picked up his quill and continued. Research into erotic literature reveals some very surprising results. Whether by fluke or not, the story between two stallions succeeded in its intentions, even if only slightly. I feel almost alarmed, but how does that make me any better than the ponies who condemn it? But I know I am straight, I have never once found a stallion attractive. He put his quill down as a little voice in his head said: You know that's a lie. "No. It's not." Yes it is, can you honestly say that you've never caught yourself checking out another stallion? Dusk faltered in his conversation with himself. "That only happens when I zone out, and you know how your eyes wander when you zone out." If you say so... Dusk continued writing. I can't tell what's going on, but the world suddenly seems to be conspiring against me, and not just the world, even myself. I just don't know what to do anymore, nor am I even certain about who I am. He banged his head against the desk in frustration. "I need advice, I need guidance," he muttered, taking a fresh piece of parchment from his drawer. "I need the Prince." He began to scribble: Dear Prince Solaris, I know this is an unusual request from me, but could you please possibly visit me at my home as soon as is convenient for you? I wouldn't ask, but I'm making all sorts of strange discoveries about myself, and I can't be sure if they're genuine because they make no sense to me. You've guided me well since I was a foal, so you are a natural choice for assistance. Your faithful student, Dusk Shine The words were scruffier than usual, and the language not quite as professional, but Dusk was in a rush. "Spi-!" He was about to call out Spines, but stopped. Not only was she not in, but he would prefer no-one know that he was requesting the Prince to come and visit. He sighed and looked at the letter. "I'm going to have to teleport you, aren't I?" Steeling himself for the massive amounts of energy it required, Dusk snapped his eyes shut and his horn began to crackle with a powerful white magical aura. After a few seconds building up the energy, he released it and the parchment disappeared with a pop. "Now all we can do is wait, and read," he said quietly, picking up another book and continuing his studies.