//------------------------------// // Fear of a Bot Planet // Story: Planet Express's Package Pony // by The Cowardly Christian //------------------------------// Professor Farnsworth, Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, and Derpy sat together in the Madison Cube Garden's Stand. This was Derpy's first Blernsball game ever, and a chance for everyone to have some fun together. "Hey, nice seats!" Bender said "We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down!" "Ooh! I wanna try!" Derpy bounced. "Bender!" Leela yelled "What?" "I don't get it." Fry spoke "Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball?" "Baseball!?" The Professor replied "God forbid! "Fry," Leela answered "Baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up." "Boring!?" Fry replied "Baseball wasn't-... hmm, so they finally jazzed it up?" Below, a player hit the ball into the sky, though the ball was on a string. Fry jumped out of his seat. "Home run!! Woooo!... Right?" The ball sprung right back, a player caught & held onto it, flew through the air and hits a base. The empire signaled an 'out!'. Everyone cheered as Derpy watched Leela write onto the chart. "What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing?" "It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope." Another hit. A player jumped & caught the ball, but released it and is Bender caught him. "I got me a souvenir!" He cheered. Bender placed the player next to Derpy. "Here you go, kid!" Derpy cheered and began to pet the man's head as if he were a teddy bear. "Why do they allow this?" He asked himself. Moments later, Zoidberg came back from using the restroom and gave everyone hotdogs. Derpy's souvenir, named 'Joe Change', had to use the restroom himself, but didn't return just yet, letting Derpy enjoy the rest of her hot dog. "Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed." Fry commented "Why does mine feel like it's moving?" Derpy asked. "Who cares," Bender replied "Who wants popcorn!?" Everyone agreed on wanting popcorn. Bender stood still and pop sounds were heard inside. He then took a large tub of popcorn out of his chest cavity. "Anyone want butter on that?" He began to pump his antenna and Derpy watched where the Butter came out of, making her cheeks perk up, and then puke all over a Blernsball player below her. "I'm starting to get the hang of this game!" Fry spoke "The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right?" "Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish." Leela replied. The blernsball fell into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Everyone, including Derpy, cheered at the mayhem which had multiple blernsball shot out rapidly, the player riding over exploding bases with a scooter, and a giant spider coming out. "...What just happened?" "Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns!" "He's good all right." The professor replied "But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory. "Clem Johnson?" Bender replied "That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine! "Exactly!" Leela replied "He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels. "Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer." "Yep." "You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field." "But I'm not a human." Derpy commented. "Fine! You Meatbags are what I just said." " What are you talking about?" Fry asked "There's all kinds of robots down there." "Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there?" "Eleven?" "21?" Derpy asked in a strange voice "Zero!" Bender yelled, throwing his bottle on the floor and it breaking it. A small robot came out and cleaned up the mess "And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish!" "Oh dear Lord!" The professor yelled, leaning forward and clutching his chest "What's wrong!?" Fry asked in panic. "Heimlich maneuver!" Derpy yelled "It's..." the professor spoke "my...new pager!" He took his pager out of his lab coat and turned it on. A holographic image of Hermes appeared in front of him. "This is Hermes." he spoke "A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately." Everyone grumbled at the news. A pigeon lands next to Hermes' image. "Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick!" "I'm sorry what?" The bird took off with the hologram, Hermes screaming in pain. Derpy and Bender laughed together at the sight. "See you all at the office!" In the office, Bender, Fry, Leela, and Derpy sat on the table. Both Fry and Leela scratched Derpy, Fry with her ears and Leela on her... butt. Bender was yelling at them "Admit it!" He yelled "You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier. "Well, aren't they?" Fry asked "I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!" "I beg to differ." Derpy replied, though sounding relaxed. Farnsworth and Hermes entered the room, though Hermes was bandaged up. "Great news everyone!" The Professor announced "You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight!" "Why is that great news?" Fry asked "I'm glad you asked that question, Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists. "Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him 'radical'?" Bender replied "Hey hold on," Leela spoke "I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens? "...They're not fans." "And what about me?" Derpy asked "...I'm not quite sure, actually. "That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery." Hermes added "Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work!" Bender whined "This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here." Leela replied "Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday." "Really?" Derpy asked "Which one? "Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar." "Oh come on Bender," Leela spoke "Last month it was Robomadan and before that Robonzaa. "Man that one was a blast!" Fry commented "I can't even remember a single thing." Derpy added "It wasn't just a blast," Bender replied "it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest. "Now look here Bender," Hermes spoke "I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis." "...All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives." "Well then it's settled!" Farnworth exclaimed "So long everyone!" After a while, the ship approached to Chapek 9. "So let me get this straight," Fry spoke "This planet is completely uninhabited?" "No!" Bender replied in annoyance "It's inhabited by robots!" "Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes?" Derpy asked. "Whatever." Everyone stood in the Cargo Bay. Leela pressed a button and the Cargo Door opened with the magnet slowly lowering "OK Bender," Leela said "we're here. It's time to get to work." "Yes Miss Leela," Bender mockingly replied "tote that space barge, lift that space bale." "HI-YA!" Derpy yelled, kicking Bender's leg and making him fall. "I did good, mom! I kicked Bender's ass!" Bender got up and grumbled to himself. Leela picked up Derpy and rustled her mane. "Very good, Derpy!" Leela praised before turning back to Bender "Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill us, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember: You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans! "I'll try to keep that in mind." Bender murmured to himself He stepped on & held onto the winch. Leela lowered him to the ground. "Hmm, he seems pretty angry." "Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet." Fry replied "Maybe we ought to do something nice for him." Derpy added. In the Ship's Cockpit, everyone decorated the room with banners, paper people and beer available for the adults to drink (Derpy had Root-beer available) "There." Leela spoke "That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him." The phone beeped. "Ah! Bender must be done with the delivery." Fry commented. Leela answered the call; Bender's face appeared on the screen. "I'm in trouble!" Bender panicked "They found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!" He was dragged off into the darkness and The phone cutted out. "...Well... we're boned." Derpy commented, opening a bottle of rootbeer and drinking it. "Oh my God!" Fry exclaimed "We have to go down and rescue him!" "No we can't!" Leela replied "They'll kill us on sight!" "Well what are we going to do?" "I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it." "The best I can think of is disguising ourselves as robots." Derpy spoke before drinking her root-beer again. Both Fry and Leela stared at Derpy as she finished her bottle. "...what?" Fry and Leela used Scarp metal to make their costume while Derpy wore her adorable robot costume from Amy. "OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots." Leela spoke "I am fully operational Captain." Fry replied in a robotic voice "We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if necessary solve complex differential equations like robots." "I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help?" Fry sort of danced like a robot. "Ugh, Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all." Leela danced like a robot. "Both of you are cute," Derpy commented, "but this is how you dance like a robot!" Derpy did the robot herself, which impressed both Fry & Leela. They lowered themselves to the surface on the winch and, they saw a huge robot complex. "Man, we look stupid." Fry commented "We should've gotten store bought costumes." "You looks stupid," Derpy replied "I'm adorable!" "Yeah, she's right," Leela agreed "and there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant." They reach the gates of the complex but are stopped by two huge robot guards. "Halt!" The one on the right ordered "Be you robot or human?" The left asked "Robot...we be." Leela replied "Uh yup!" Fry agreed "Just three robots out roboting it up!" He does his robot dance "Eh?" "Administer the test." The left spoke "Which of the following would you most prefer?" The right asked "A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file?" "Choose!" Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer. Derpy walked to the robots "Pwease sir?" Derpy asked "We've been widicuwed by the humans and we seek a new home for our famiwy. Can't you wet us pass?" Derpy did her Bambi eyes. "...Oh man!" The right exclaimed "Her cuteness levels... are off the charts!" "Don't fall for it!" The left replied "That's a human thing!" "Can't... head... going to-" His head exploded. "...oh crap. Uh... I... guess you can pass now. Just... oh crap, now I see how cute you are." His head exploded as well. Derpy laughed evilly as she rubbed her foreleg's hooves together. They continued on their way and walked down an empty corridor. "Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way." Leela spoke An alarm went off and Hundreds of robots come out of doors from all sides towards them. Though Leela & Fry were pushed, Derpy stood still... along with lines of robots exploding around her like dominoes. Another alarm went off in the next minute and the robots were gone." Derpy picked through the destroyed robots, taking their money off of them. "So far, so good!" Derpy chuckled to herself, placing the money in her boots. They approached a robot construction worker giving directions to a crane, building a mutli-colored wall of blocks in different, shapes of 4 blocks. "Have you seen this robot?" Leela asked, showing him a picture of Bender as a magician. "Sorry, can't help you." He replied. Derpy began to whistle a tune. "HIGH SCORE!!!" The crane yelled, blocking multiple blocks down, each disappearing. They continued on their way, but Both Derpy and Fry were now awkwardly walking . "Come on you two," Leela ordered "Walk like a robot. "I can't!" Fry replied "I have to go to the bathroom!" "Me too!" Derpy added "I gotta potty!" "Robot's don't have bathrooms." Leela replied "Oh right." Fry replied "I wonder where they all smoke in high school?" "POTTY!!!" Derpy exclaimed, now hopping up & down. "Just go behind those garbage cans!" Leela replied "I'll stand guard" Both Fry and Leela ran to the garbage cans. Derpy jumped into a garbage can while Fry did his business outside. Derpy could hear a robot outside talking to Fry, though she was glad that no one could find her, doing her own business of waste in waste. The robot zoomed away and Derpy stuck her head out, smelling the fresh air. Leela was about to sneeze, but Derpy stopped her from sneezing. Fry & Derpy let out a sigh of relief as Leela stopped, but was followed by Derpy sneezing herself. A robot nearby stopped and gave a mechanical shriek. Leela kicks it over and they ran off. "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" A voice yelled throughout the loudspeakers "Quick! Let's duck in here!" Leela yelled. They ran inside a movie theater, where a horror movies of the 1950s complete with an all-American college boy and his beautiful yet naïve girlfriend, but with robots instead of humans. Out from a bushes in said movie, a human (actually a robot actor wearing a human costume) appears out of some bushes, tearing off the male robot's head off and eats it I will eat, then shows off it's 'organs'. The crowd gasped at the sight. "Wow the 3-D's great!" Fry exclaimed "Mine's not working!" Leela replied, moving the 3D glasses back and forth over her eye. "This movie sucks." Derpy commented. In the movie the human stumbles around, breathes fire and finally collapses. It has an arrow in its back. The female robot and a Robot General approach it, commenting on how 'indestructible' it was until it died from a stick in it's back. The general points into the camera at the audience saying humans can be anywhere, including the movie theater. Every robot, including Fry, screamed Everyone walked out of the theater. "OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender." Leela spoke. Two robots approached them "So what did you think of the movie?" One of them asked "Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing." Fry answered "Yeah, it was a real chick flick." The other replied "It sucked to me." Derpy added. A loud fanfare was heard. "What's that?" Leela asked "What do you mean "What's that?"?" The first robot asked "Its 5 o'clock: Time for the daily human hunt!" The robots all take out weapons of different sorts and file off in the same direction. Everyone else followed. "Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look." "Awww that was uncalled for!" A crummy robot that looked like Fry replied "Other way, mom." Derpy spoke. All the robots congregate around a platform. On the platform stood another robot, this one older looking and with a banner in Lite Brite labeled 'Mayor'. "Welcome to a very special human hunt." He announced "We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser!" The crowd laughed at the joke "A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for: Bender!" Bender emerged from the shadows and stood at the microphone. "It's him!" Fry shouted "He's OK!" "Death to humans!" Bender yelled. The crowd cheered "Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!" "Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful!" The crowd cheered again. "My God! He's become evil." "Ahem?" Derpy spoke. "Uh... I mean eviler." "Thank you, thank you." Bender continued "And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchase my spoken word album," He pulled out an album with a picture of Bender on it and with it's title 'Bender Lets Loose'. " just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine." He pulled out a tiny toy of himself with a sting on it's back. He pulled the string and the action figurine spoke, in a smaller voice 'Bite my shiny metal ass!'. The robots pulled money out and wanted to buy Bender's crap. "Let the hunt begin!" The mayor announced Many of the robots ran out to hunt for humans, though a crowd, including Fry, Leela, and Derpy, stuck with Bender. "Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt." Bender explained "Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human?" A robot asked "Sure, why not?" "Dumbass." Derpy commented. "Anything in the trap?" The mayor asked. There was a large mouse trap with the sign 'Free Butter' on a stick of butter on a plate. "Nothing." Bender replied "Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait." "Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow." "Wait, what's that?" Bender pointed at an abandoned building "Oh, that's the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography. "Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out." "We better follow." Leela whispered Bender looked through robot porn; circuit diagrams. "Oh yeah!" Bender spoke to himself "You're a bad girl aren't you? "Psst! Bender!" Fry whispered. Bender jumped and stuffed the porn into his chest "Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here?" "We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser." "I was, but they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans." "Good for you," Leela replied "Now lets all get back to the ship." "What for?" "We're rescuing you." Derpy replied "I don't wanna be rescued." "Say what?" "I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring." "But Bender, we're your friends." Fry pleaded "Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair." "That's not true!" Derpy repelled "Well that's how it feels to me!" Bender turned around and stayed silent "...Bye Bender. I'll miss you." "Go on, get out of here before you get caught." "Bender, good news!" The Mayor announced as he entered. "Your album just went gold! What the? "It's the humans!" Another yelled "Bender! Do something!" "Ahem." Derpy spoke. The robots looked down at her. She placed her costume's head back on and did her bambi eyes. Without any words, all the robots heads exploded. "...Aw Crap!" Bender yelled "There goes my money! Oh well, we might as well go. Everyone ran outside, where the robots saw them, yelling 'humans!' over and over. They ran towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing them. They jumped onto it and Leela presseed the button. "So long suckers!" Derpy mocked. The robots began to stand on each others shoulders and pile up "Uh, hello suckers!" "Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package." He tossed the package to the robot on top. He lost his balance and fell with the rest of the robots, the package bursting open with Lugnuts. The robots cheered as everyone else made their escape. In the cockpit, Bender saw the decorations "Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me!" Bender asked in surprise "This is the best Robanukah ever!" "We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heritage." Fry replied "Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right?" "Of course." Leela replied "But that doesn't make it any less meaningful!" Derpy added "In that case - let the dancing begin!" Bender announced Fry, Leela, and Derpy did do their robot dances. "Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that!?" Several shots were taken: Everyone serving a glass of martini, Bender with a cake, Fry, Leela, and Derpy lifting Bender as he sat on a chair, Bender holding a broken beer bottle to Fry's neck with Derpy holding a broken chair leg as a weapon, a group shot together, and Derpy puking with a bottle of Bender's beer next to her.